in july / chapter one, for nathan

12:00pm — three hours until the wedding.


✧


The day had barely started, yet the universe already found a way to turn Shinwon's afternoon upside down.

Now, he wasn't a stranger to events like these - he expected the 'big day' panic, which was why he brought an earl grey with him to soothe his best friend. However, what he didn't expect to find was the wedding director on the verge of tears in Mae's dressing room, where the only thing that seemed to be holding her together was the elastic band wrapped around her extremely tight bun.

Bing! Bing! Bing!

He didn't bother checking the phone next to him, because he knew that every notification was about Mae and her wherabouts. To his frustration, everyone assumed that Shinwon knew where she was, or if he didn't, that he'd track her down like a knight in shining armor.

And they were exactly right.

She had been drinking her fifth shot of tequila when he found her slumped in the nearest bar, which was ironic and alarming, because she had always warned him against it. Drinking alcohol is bad for you, she'd remind him over the phone, as if they didn't have health class together back in high school. Don't drink too much, okay? Text me when you get home.

Shinwon dragged her out of there in an instant, and soon enough his old school Mustang reeked of clear liquor and salty tears.

"You know, I thought I remembered the song going, 'here comes the bride,' not 'where is the bride'," he mentioned, as if this was just small talk. Although Shinwon tried to lighten up the mood in his car, he couldn't hide the hint of smart aleck and scolding within the comment. "Unless I'm wrong, of course - although, that would be a first."

A hiccupy whine sounded from the backseat. "Shinwon, alcohol tastes bad."

He checked the compartments for food, but only came up with fistfuls of rice cracker wrappers and old receipts. "Maybe you shouldn't have drank it then." In college he swore that he'd never emulate his mom when he got older, yet he found himself sounding a lot like her.

"I know," she mumbled quietly, swaddling herself in her dress.

Hiccup. The heap of ivory tulle seemed to engulf his closest friend like a bottomless pit, but she didn't seem to care. Hiccup. Instead, when he adjusted the rearview mirror in front of him, he saw her trying to blink away swollen eyes. Hiccup. She was staring at the ceiling like she wished the world would swallow her whole, expensive wedding dress and all.

The previous edge in his voice dissipated, and softened into exasperation. "Mae, I know you know," Shinwon reminded her with a sigh. The word sweetheart was on the tip of his tongue like a reflex, but he retained the impulse and rounded on his friend again. "Which is why no one understands you running away from your own wedding."

"I know," seemed to be the only word Mae could string together. Hiccup. He knew that she had hit an obstacle, but he didn't predict that she'd be so overwhelmed that she'd decide to derail the entire journey altogether. "I know. . ." Hiccup. His breathing slowed when she reached for his hand and squeezed it firmly, but fragilely, unsure of her own emotions. She reminded him of a child in the dark, looking for her teddy bear.

Soft, he thought.

Getting a grip, he shook his head and busied himself by putting his hand over her forehead, which was burning up by the minute. Her cheeks bloomed into a garden of spiked roses, and she used Shinwon's hands to cup them - warm. "Mae, everyone's losing their minds in the chapel, and the wedding hasn't even started."

"There is no wedding," she murmured hopelessly. "I can't. . ."

He felt his mind drive in two different directions, like a fatal match of tug-o-war. He couldn't stand either idea, so he threw them to the side, hoping the wind wouldn't pick them back up again. He reinforced his main focus on the runaway bride, who looked queasier than she did five minutes ago.

"Mae-"

Brrrrrring!

Shinwon recognized the ringtone - it was the loudest, most annoying alarm, for arguably the most upright person he's ever met: the groom.

He picked up the phone, attempting to sound casual. Despite the countermeasures, he braced himself when he put the speaker to his ear. "Hello. . ?"

Changgu didn't sound up for conversation. "This isn't the time for hellos, Shinwon," he said briskly, but his tone simmered into something more serious and concerned. "Did you find her? Shinwon, please tell me she's with you." It was a very straightforward question with a very straightforward answer, concerning a very complex girl.

He looked over to Mae, who was fidgeting with his free hand like a child. He noticed how her baby hairs never stayed in place, despite all the gel the hairdresser put on top of it keep it flat. "I found her, Changgu, she's okay," he told him. The response seemed to calm the groom, because his sigh of relief was audible.

"Can I talk to her?" Changgu asked him.

Shinwon paused. What was he supposed to tell Changgu? That his drunk fiancé was having an emotional breakdown in his car? Coming from him?

He decided to let Mae make that decision.

Removing the phone from his ear, he held it in front of Mae and made sure she saw the caller id. She was suddenly sober when he did so - her eyes widened with guilt, sadness, and panic. No, her entire body said. Please. Shinwon shot her a reproachful look, but he didn't have it in him to force her - it would only make her more frantic than she already was. That would increase the chance of her bailing out on the wedding, he thought. She can't. . .

That would only. . .

He couldn't be thinking like this right now. Let's focus on the problem at hand, he reminded himself as he relayed the silent response to Changgu. "She can't talk right now, she's not feeling good." A pathetic response, but a response. The truth, but not entirely.

Laughter followed, but it was drained of all humor. "I come to the chapel, ready to marry the woman that I thought wanted to marry me, but instead, she's not feeling well," he said, mocking amusement, the way only someone whose world was crashing down would say. "Absolutely grand."

To say Shinwon was in the middle was too simple - it was more like being entangled in a web, where every move he made worsened things. He took another deep breath, before he decided to plunge back into complicated waters.

"Changgu-"

"Even Hyojong looked like he felt bad for me!" the groom whisper-yelled in disdain, that caused Shinwon to assume that Changgu was in the presence of worried wedding guests. He imagined Changgu attempting to mitigate the situation with his classically warm smile, becoming more and more fake as time passed. "Hyojong, for god's sake!"

Silence echoed through the speaker; Shinwon couldn't find a comforting response for something like that. First Mae had been drinking, even though she strictly avoided alcohol wherever they went, and now Hyojong seemed to suddenly have a normal bone in his body; he didn't want to get started on how he was feeling either.

"I sound frustrated because I am," Changgu in a strained voice, as if he was mentally rubbing his temples. "Shinwon, usually I'd never ask this from someone like you, but what do I do?" Beneath the under handed insult was hopelessness - Shinwon was as lost as Changgu was, but he couldn't admit it outloud, especially to the groom. "Do I call it off?"

Shinwon went to school to be a musician, not a therapist - a  decade ago, did he simultaneously sign up for this? For the firsts, the lasts, and the unknown? Watching her try on wedding dresses with childish glee? Arguing in the library and gazing at her as she fell asleep? Or was it when he first opened up his window to the world, the day he met Mae?

They needed time.

"Just go to your reception Changgu," he found himself saying, and it was final. "I'll have her back in three hours." He checked the time on the dashboard and winced - two hours and fifty eight minutes.

"Three hours? That's the same time the wedding starts!" Changgu protested. "If there's even going to be a wedding, I assume!" Shinwon pretended not to hear the last part, and instead fastened his seatbelt after he did Mae's.

"That's all the time she needs to get her head in the right place," he responded confidently, despite feeling a little uncertain. In attempt to escape the claustrophobia he felt, he half jokingly added, "If not, I'll double my wedding gift in apology." Changgu did the same, with a short lived chuckle that wasn't as convincing, but less strung.

Before he could say his goodbyes, Changgu spoke. "I just want her to be okay," is all he said. It was a short statement, but bittersweet nostalgia glistened on the double edged sword as it pierced him; he gazed at her once more as she pushed the hilt further into his body, and he pretended not to notice.

"Yeah, I know."

With one last push of the handle, Shinwon turned on the ignition and headed to the first place his memories took him, more or less aware of the feelings that would follow.