lainlol

entry_8 //2-22-19
i was planning to delete this journal after many hours of rumination after my meltdown over the last two days
it seems i have a little audience unless theyre pastebin view bots in which case that would be very sad
writing something that wont be looked at is pointless and so this is still worth the effort
now im fairly certain these last two days have been the all time low for me so i made sure to give myself some time to be able to write this entry with some form of clarity
this will be the longest entry yet but youll have to look no further to gain an understanding on who i am after reading i assure youll
seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nooooo
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so it looks like it has even been more than a month since my last meltdown so i have to say im a bit worried this is now a bimonthly thing
i dont think ill be lying to myself anymore though there are no periods of happiness for me
these kinds of things happen because these things i bottle up go critical and overflow every so often
in other words im always feeling this way but i simply try and distract myself from expressing or reacting to my emotions
as it stands now this is starting to have some developments i was hoping wouldnt be
if it would be a simple crying session every couple of weeks i think i could live my life with that no problem
this is starting to look pretty bad
i cant cry anymore for starters
i laid in bed for a couple hours trying my hardest to cry but nothing gives
i dont remember the last time i shed tears and if youre not a fucked up person full of sorrow you dont know how important crying is
without it you just keep feeling the way youre feeling its a very numbing sensation
when you cry you release and feel immediate elation after it
im not even granted that feeling anymore its not a good feeling mind you but id say its the only bad feeling that could provide some sort of relief at the end
its been more than a couple days now and im still feeling this sorrow lingering and i hate it
another development has been my self destruction
for the most part at most id just remove all contacts and online friendships ive made silently and slinker away
i did that this time as well but i wanted more
i wanted to hurt myself even more
i purchased some whiskey for fucks sake and i always took pride in my stance against anything that would alter your state of mind superficially
you feel what you feel for a reason and you should never ignore it
but i didnt care this time and im worried what other things ill stop to care about as this continues
this is starting to leak into my school work now with this quarter being such a disaster there might be a possibility i dont pass a class for the first time
ive never liked my studies but i look at it as a piece to being a functional human being
having some sort of routine occupation that goes beyond what you like
anyways no one gives a fuck about that school is trash engineering is aids cant wait to wageslave
at the moment i can only take solace in that self mutilation nor violence have creeped up in my broken mind
i think if i ever see that kind of shit happen id take my life in a heartbeat thats one line i can never cross and ill make sure i wont either
i was much too cowardly to even crack open the whiskey i bought although i did have a bit of fun asking friends about it and going through the process of buying it
im just trying to find something to keep my spirits up
id like to talk about why this happens and why im in the state im in
im a very lonely person with not a single person i can truly say is a friend of mine
but i wonder if people in this world truly have someone like that
someone that would say they love you
i think thats the true requirement for being a friend everything else is merely light social interactions
but i think most people can live life happily without that
how they do it is something i cannot grasp but i dont think the way i handle relationships is a factor
i made a friend quite recently who i opened up to
i wouldnt say they opened up in the same level but they were there to listen to me listen to things ive never told a soul
i feel embarrassed to say i loved them at one point and really felt a similar feeling back maybe not so much on that level but strong enough that i could be truly content with
they were someone i looked forward to talking to everyday every morning and awaited there messages with great anticipation
i grew comfortable and thats when i make my grave mistakes
i still cant say what i feel or what i do in detail its still something i cant comprehend
but i begin to treat anyone i grow comfortable with with maliciousness
maybe i want them all for myself could it be jealousy
maybe i feel embarrassment once they open themselves up to me and im not liking what my eyes and ears are presented with
i cut off communication usually and watch with sorrow at the side as they realize ive just shunned them out and move on
forget about me and continue living there life with as much joy as they can without me
i really do hope this person didnt care too much about me he seems to be doing fine and looks quite happy
meanwhile i sit here watching that and grow frustrated angry scornful
this is something i did to myself and i cant expect people to jump down the fucked up rabbit hole with me
but it still hurts to see and i cant quite explain why its quite a fucked up situation
so with no one i feel is close to me anymore i put all my attention to the people who care next to nothing about me
those people either hate me or dislike me and i give their opinions on me all the care in the world
can you imagine giving people that hate you so much attention so much value
as im writing this im feel like ive lost a lot of the thoughts i had when i was at my worst
they were quite important ones so now i dont think ive told a big enough picture
i take it back this wont get you to understand me
i dont seem to understand myself
im not sure what happened but it seems a couple people have noticed i removed them and added me back
on one hand id like to imagine they are just surprised they dont see me on their friendslist and just added me without given a second thought
on the other hand id like to think they might be keen on what im going through and ask me how im doing
its quite the selfish thought isnt it but i cant help it
its very frustrating because i want these people to open up to me more and get to know more about them in response
but i cant say how these good people see me how important i am to them or how little worth i hold in contrast
there are people who bear witness to my actions and wonder what they are thinking
i hope they are not thinking i hate them in any way or that they did something to upset me
i think for their sake i shouldnt try and keep doing this kind of thing this whole bring everything ive built up down to the ground thing
maybe trying to get closer should be something i undertake
maybe i should try and apologize and tell these people ive turned away from how so sorry i am
im too much of a coward for that im afraid
their response to such a thing is something i cant handle especially if its a bad one
sometimes i just feel surrounded by people who have it all figured out
they have their happiness and keep their bullshit sadness in check
they dont have room for fuckups like me
i cant say for certain but how can someone like me connect with people who are like that
its almost like im hoping these people are just as fucked up
im rambling now theres no cohesion here no solid points made
how disappointing
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thats about all i can say i might write up a follow up to this
just feels so incomplete
id like to finish with this note
there are people reading this
but i dont get any response back
its not something im too bothered with but i have to wonder if people really care or are just looking to read about some fuckups mind and move on
at the moment either or is not something that bothers me
it would be nice if i got some sort of feedback though i must admit

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entry_7 //2-21-19
ive given up
its so much easier to just be completely alone
you dont have to try and get people to care about you
its just you and thats it
its not so bad if youre just hurting by yourself
if youre hurting surrounded by so called friends if feels so so horrible
i bought some alcohol
i have never taken a drop in my whole life but ive never felt this way before
i might give in

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entry_6 //2-9-19
well i skipped a planned entry last night and i dont have anything i feel like i need to say
i think its obvious this journal was made to simply let my negativity out in words and maybe have someone out there be able to read and react in whatever way they see fit
theres no need to write anything when im already interacting with others
ive already shared my feelings and have had people respond to them and give their own in kind
i cant really share the dark feelings though ive done it maybe once or twice before and its just not a fun time for everyone involved how could it be
so i think thats where this journal stands
i want to share what im feeling at my lowest but not make anyone feel too uncomfortable
this will serve as that outlet
so i guess i should hope to not have to come back here for a while
thank you for everyone who has taken a look
youve made this effort worthwhile
see ya in the thread you dorks why did you even post this there smhsmhsmh not fighting games
i love you

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entry_5 //2-7-19
quick entry today
outside of those mental breakdowns that happen every so often i must admit im pretty happy for the most part
it is a bit bothersome not having physical friends really but i find the people i talk and play with online every day to be quite fulfilling
lots of them are in similar positions as myself both sharing many of the same feelings
given that we keep each other good company makes my heart warm
ultimately i feel like these connections can be just as powerful as ones made in the physical world
what can be shared digitally is such a different force altogether that might make it more impactful in the long run
might write up my thoughts on that one day

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entry_4 //2-6-19
had no desire nor thought to write today
im happy and occupied enough that i could avoid this journal for now but just adding an entry in for the sake of tracking my mental progress

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entry_3 //2-5-19
truly pointless to keep away from others
theres two things that need to happen
finding a balance between being close enough to others while not hurting each other
and just treating myself better
this is true but also something ive repeated before
its so cyclical how annoying

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entry_2 //2-4-19
i was planning to add an entry every night to reflect on the day but the feeling ive woken up to was such an experience i felt it best to type now i wont be able to do it justice though
the morning after a meltdown like last night is always so rejuvenating its as if my body just cant handle the constant negativity i throw at it and takes control
none of the thoughts i had last night are around anymore and im surrounded by a feeling i can only describe as the sensation you get after just finishing swimming a mile and your body is simply in recovery mode
everything feels good
to add to that its raining and very dark one of my favorite atmospheres alongside and very windy sunny day
my pups had to wake me up this morning with kisses i was glued to my bed
feeling well
the entry i made last night was made during my lowest points they happen every so often maybe once every 2-3 weeks but only for a few hours at a time
its not that way all the time otherwise id have definitely left this world long ago
have a ton of studying to do for the rest of the day so i dont think thered be much to add
i think its a good idea to keep away from contact with others for a few more days though id like to be alone for a while

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entry_1 //2-3-19
id like a public record of myself one anybody can look back on and understand who i am
even though im hard pressed to believe anyone would ever care about me making this journal lets me pretend that would happen someday
i wanted to make this during one of my mental breakdowns to really let loose and destroy myself in text but ive calmed down a bit and dont really feel like doing that
notice that im already starting to think someone will read this
its very embarrassing but i have to believe someone will read this one day
having words or a voice go out and be unheard is truly the greatest sorrow i can imagine
the thing with loneliness is there are people around you that will listen i can hop on discord right now and talk with someone wholl probably listen to what i have to say and provide feedback
for me its self inflicted i make myself believe these people who might call me friends dont care about me
but really why would they care about me
weve never met in person and are miles and miles away they have joys and sorrows in life that have nothing to do with me they have their friends their hobbies their life in which im not even a fraction a part of
i think im being selfish i think i want people to make me their focus make me the most important thing in their life
i want the attention i want the praise and admiration while not turning an eye to their pain or desires
im so tired
i used to cry all the time but ive found that i dont even have the tears to do such things anymore
i just feel sick and exhausted sick and exhausted ill and sleepy very sleepy i just want to sleep forever these days
im working for a degree i hate which takes up a chunk of my day with the rest of it spent alone in a room trying to get some sense of communication and friendship with people that will never see me never walk with me never see me theyll never see me im only information they cant see my soul only my words and my avatar and my streams and my pictures none of these things hold anything theyre simply information there is no context there is nothing tangible there is no voice there is no heat there is no force
i cant think of anything else to say i came in with nothing planned and im spent on words
i wont ever kill myself for life is the only thing i have
i dont think i will ever be happy
i think i will always be alone
i think this will continue and that scares me it scares me i dont think this will end
this is where tears will be helpful