a guest Mar 22nd, 2019 106 Never
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- Mama…… I honestly don’t know where to begin…. Other than to say I hope to remain in my life I understand everyone had boundaries even I have them however I truthfully never meant to cross yours I honestly wish you had just requested space instead of blocking me that really broke me to the point where I took off in real life and my dad had to jump in the car and go find me I was beyond hurt my reasons for my behavior are defenses that candace has pointed out to me because we talk about everything as you know…. Mama I have not had it easy as a kid I really honestly truthfully have not you honestly want to know where it all stems from….. its from all the abuse I went through all because I was different….. the minute everyone well not everyone but some in my family found out I had a disability I was isolated from everything my aunt wouldn’t let me play with my cousin because she thought autism was something you could catch whatever I had in my room at the time I had no idea but during thanksgiving and my aunt and uncle and cousin used to come up my aunt would say im going to the bathroom and what she was really doing was going through my room seeing if I had anything that her child would want or like and she would trash it because I wasn’t allowed to have it I wasn’t allowed anything in their eyes except for my uncle he never once looked at me any differently blood was so important to my aunt and cousin my aunt used to tell my cousin how ignorant and stupid I was and my cousin used to tell me I wasn’t family because I wasn’t related by blood my aunt used to think me calling my parents mom and dad was just a phase including my uncle that was apparently a phase to but the worst one? The worst of it was was my grandma she never accepted me either she used to call me every nasty word in the book you can ever think of that was me…… always comparing me to my cousin why cant you be like her why do you have to be the way you are you’re a guest in your parents’ house you don’t really live here your just a guest no one loves you they hate you they want to get rid of you she actually tried to move into my house and steal my room she tried to accuse me of abusing my first dog shadow so my parents would get rid of him she threatened me at a very young age if I told anyone she’d kill my dog my best friend my only friend the whole fuck you and saying if you want to go then go is my way of saying if you cannot handle me at my worst then why are we so close mama I love you and I understand you have boundaries the reason I make everything about me is because im constantly neglected from my feelings thoughts dreams whatever I wanted or do want its never realistic dreams smashed left and right I’ve actually stopped dreaming I do the same thing to candace just last week I questioned our friendship and owner ship because of the panic attack I told her you have an out you don’t have to own me you can walk away right now and thankfully she chose to stay and I really hope she does stay because shes a special person to me but mama you have you understand some times im going to be needy sometimes im going to need you im not a bad person its sadly what I grew up around and im used too so please take this letter coming from the bottom of my heart also know I lost my best friend that I’ve known since I was in diapers because I set boundaries with her and blocked her and she still wont talk to me and I’ve unblocked her and my sister my biolocial sister disappeared on me why? I can only think of one person our bio mother who is worse than I am im nothing compared to her im not unstable mama im honestly not im just unable to handle my sister sudden leaving me and Kelsey still not talking to me im trying to reach out to you and im trying to grab on to someone who wont let me go….. I meant what I said when your my rock….. I honestly meant it this letter is my apology as well as my explaining the way I can understand it in my own words the best way I can
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