06[18:49] * Svetlana wishes he was a girl...
06[18:50] * @tiffany too ;~;
01[18:52] <Svetlana> ugh
01[18:52] <Svetlana> I feel extremely terrible today
06[18:52] * 4@tiffany hugs svetlana :c
01[18:53] <Svetlana> i feel like i'm complaining about my life when i shouldn't and i don't deserve what i have ;~;
01[18:53] <Svetlana> yet i just don't feel it's right...
06[18:53] * Svetlana hates his body
06[18:53] * @tiffany hates how this world works :|
01[18:54] <Svetlana> tiffany i can't take it much longer...
[18:54] <@tiffany> :(
01[18:54] <Svetlana> i don't know what to do...
[18:54] <@tiffany> have you told your parents or do they not care?
01[18:55] <Svetlana> i've told my mom i don't like how i look, for example my hairy legs and how i wanted to wax or shave them
01[18:55] <Svetlana> she laughed and said "don't be silly, men don't do that"
[18:55] <nys> i can see my mom saying that
01[18:55] <Svetlana> my mom scowls and yells at me for every slightly feminine thing i do
01[18:56] <Svetlana> it makes me feel so horrible

01[18:56] <Svetlana> tiffany i started crying at school for like 20 minutes today...
[18:56] <@Lymee> Here?
[18:57] <@Lymee> Ah.
[18:57] <4@Lymee> Svetlana, telling her exactly how you feel... if it's not dangerous, I think it's worth a try.
01[18:57] <Svetlana> ugh...
01[18:58] <Svetlana> she's very judgemental and discriminating
01[18:58] <Svetlana> she doesn't like gays and the like
[18:58] <@Lymee> If that's the case...
[18:58] <@Lymee> :s
01[18:58] <Svetlana> telling her i want to crossdress would probably get me disowned
01[18:58] <Svetlana> she might even kick me out of the house in an extreme case
[18:58] <@Lymee> That... does not sound like a loving parent. >>
01[18:59] <Svetlana> either way she'd probably become as depressed as i am now because she'd find out i'm not the PERFECT SON she wants me to be
01[18:59] <Svetlana> she already is kinda since i told her i was bisexual...
01[18:59] <Svetlana> i feel terrible..
01[18:59] <Svetlana> i just wish i had some support...

06[20:35] * Svetlana is desperate...
[20:36] <4@tiffany> svetlana, it'll get better :(
06[20:36] * Svetlana wishes he could believe that...
[20:37] <nys> do you want it to get better?
01[20:37] <Svetlana> yes!
[20:37] <nys> you control your future
01[20:37] <Svetlana> not while i'm anywhere near my family
[20:38] <@Lymee> Then get away from your family.
[20:38] <@Lymee> As soon as possible.
01[20:38] <Svetlana> i want to...
[20:38] <@Lymee> For certain people.... I don't think things can ever become perfect, but.
[20:38] <@tiffany> it's not like you're bound to them forever
[20:38] <@Lymee> You can make your life the best that you can.
01[20:38] <Svetlana> i just want to... live with someone who understands and support me... i don't know...
01[20:38] <Svetlana> i just
[20:38] <@tiffany> although... if you want to really get anywhere you have to have money... :x
01[20:38] <Svetlana> wish there was something i could do right now
06[20:38] * @tiffany needs to get a part time job <_>
[20:39] <nys> i wonder if you told your mom you were trans, then left for a while
[20:39] <@Lymee> I dunno.
[20:40] <@Lymee> Parents are supposed to be caring, and wish the best for their children.
01[20:40] <Svetlana> i already mentioned having considered a gender reassignment surgery
01[20:40] <Svetlana> she just changed the subject immediately
01[20:40] <Svetlana> she doesn't like me mentioning anything slightly feminine
01[20:41] <Svetlana> sometimes my nails are long because i'm too lazy to trim them and once i joked, JOKED about wanting to paint them
[20:41] <@Lymee> Yet, I see parents trying to make their children how they want them to be, or even exactly like them, and in the process hurting their child.
01[20:41] <Svetlana> she stared at me with a serious face and said "don't even joke about something like that"
[20:41] <@Lymee> And sometimes, they try to make their child what they think will make them happy, as if they knew them better than they knew themselves...
[20:41] <@Lymee> Urg. :s
01[20:41] <Svetlana> my mom is usually very nice... lately, she's been just... ugh
[20:41] <4@Lymee> Svetlana, I'm not sure how this would work, but...
01[20:41] <Svetlana> i want to get out of here...
[20:41] <@Lymee> I suggest you confront her directly about what she's doing and ask her why.
[20:42] <@Lymee> And if she says it's for your own good, make it clear how far from the truth that is.
[20:42] <@Lymee> If she tries to dismiss your experiences, call her out on that too.
[20:43] <@Lymee> And if she's just plain bigoted, well. At least you won't have regrets when you leave her.
01[20:43] <Svetlana> "how can you be so sure that's really what you want"
[20:43] <4@Lymee> Svetlana, "Because I know myself far better than you ever will"
01[20:43] <Svetlana> "you're only 17 you've never even been in a relationship"
[20:43] <nys> that's what my mom told me
[20:43] <@Lymee> "Even if I don't know what exactly I want, you know it even less. So let me decide"
[20:43] <nys> and I agree with her
01[20:44] <Svetlana> "men don't shave their legs having hairy legs is perfectly normal and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it"
01[20:44] <Svetlana> i'm not even ashamed of having hairy legs
01[20:44] <Svetlana> i'm downright disgusted with my own body sometimes
[20:44] <@Lymee> nys, my argument for that is "if I can't know that, why can you"
01[20:45] <Svetlana> "because everyone else has hairy legs!"
[20:45] <@Lymee> And even more experience in life isn't an answer to that. Because your experiences arn't mine.
02[20:45] * Colson (~osx@adsl-68-222-183-164.clt.bellsouth.net) Quit (Quit: Computer has gone to sleep.)
[20:45] <nys> I know myself better than she does, but I don't know myself that well
[20:45] <@Lymee> Then what you do, you should decide, right?
[20:45] <@Lymee> ^^
[20:45] <nys> i've never actually tried a dress on or kissed a guy yet
01[20:45] <Svetlana> ...
01[20:46] <Svetlana> i'm going to be honest with you guys...
[20:46] <nys> how should I know how these things make me feel?
[20:46] <@Lymee> nys, I dunno... I guess a very good imagination helps.
01[20:46] <Svetlana> i've worn some of my sister's clothes on a few occasions when i had the chance.
01[20:46] <Svetlana> nobody knows about this.
[20:46] <4@Lymee> Svetlana, that's perfectly fine~
[20:46] <@Lymee> ^^
[20:46] <4nys> Svetlana, what are we gonna do, find your sisters contacts? :D
01[20:47] <Svetlana> i'm just saying
01[20:47] <Svetlana> it
01[20:47] <Svetlana> made me feel nice, i don't know why but it did
01[20:47] <Svetlana> i just
01[20:47] <Svetlana> don't know how to deal with this
[20:47] <nys> if wearing dresses makes you feel good you should wear dresses
[20:47] <nys> well
[20:48] <nys> women's clothes, I mean
06[20:49] * Svetlana cries
[20:49] <nys> I mean, you should do things you like to do if they don't cause people pain
[20:49] <@Lymee> If society says you shouldn't do something, but that something hurts nobody...
[20:49] <@Lymee> I think it's more than likely nothing more than bigotry.
01[20:50] <Svetlana> i wish i knew anyone supportive as you guys...
[20:50] <@Lymee> People will try to hurt you for doing what you do at times. There are people trying to change that, but... I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.
[20:50] <nys> it depends on what you mean by nobody
[20:50] <nys> take bestiality
[20:51] <@Lymee> There's nothing you can do but try your best to have the happiest life you can, in any way you can. ^^
01[20:51] <Svetlana> but how...?
[20:51] <nys> do what you like to do
[20:52] <@Lymee> I've heard trans people say that transition does help a lot with quality of life. If you don't pass, people will be very bigoted, but... I've heard a lot of claims that that's better than being seen as and expected to conform to the wrong gender.
[20:53] <nys> Lymee, you are, or suspect you are mtf, right?
01[20:53] <Svetlana> i don't even know if i should be considered being in the wrong gender... what if i'm wrong about all of this
01[20:53] <Svetlana> what if i don't really want to be a woman
01[20:53] <Svetlana> that's what scares me
[20:53] <nys> make up washes off
[20:54] <@Lymee> nys, ...?
[20:54] <nys> the first stages of transition are not permanent
[20:54] <@Lymee> Umm... ^^;
01[20:54] <Svetlana> nys something like that doesn't wash off people's memories as easily though
01[20:54] <Svetlana> REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO THINK YOU WERE MEANT TO BE A GIRL HAHA THAT WAS VERY DUMB WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, RIGHT?
[20:55] <nys> they aren't your friends
01[20:55] <Svetlana> they aren't
01[20:55] <Svetlana> that would be my brother
01[20:55] <Svetlana> he'd probably say something like that
01[20:55] <Svetlana> i have no friends
[20:55] <nys> you have everyone here
01[20:55] <Svetlana> no i don't
01[20:55] <Svetlana> i have everyone there
01[20:56] <Svetlana> not -here-
[20:56] <nys> friendship is more than touch or eye contact
01[20:57] <Svetlana> call me shallow then but if just text on a screen really helped maybe i could write "you are being hugged now" on a piece of paper and look at it every time i feel bad
[20:57] <4@Lymee> Svetlana, I suggest you read up on feminism, etc. If the discrimination in this world isn't enough to sway you, I don't think you are wrong about yourself.
01[20:57] <Svetlana> hint: it won't work
[20:57] <@Lymee> There are people typing these words, right? ^^
01[20:57] <Svetlana> still... it really hurts me not being able to actually hug them
01[20:58] <Svetlana> i guess i'm just an idiot
[20:58] <nys> no
[20:58] <nys> you just have a physical contact love language
[20:58] <nys> I learned it in SCHOOL
[20:59] <nys> *physical touch
01[20:59] <Svetlana> i'm a mess
[20:59] <nys> but it will get better
03[21:02] * Colson (~osx@adsl-68-222-183-164.clt.bellsouth.net) has joined #kawaisa
06[21:02] * @Vivio hugs Colson
01[21:02] <Svetlana> i wish i could just... be somewhere else right now...
01[21:03] <Svetlana> with someone supportive...
[21:03] <4@Lymee> Svetlana, do you know if your mother is doing what she thinks is best for you, or is she just outright bigoted?
01[21:03] <Svetlana> i have no idea
[21:04] <@Lymee> I raise this question because if it's the former, it's not hopeless.