Before i say anything i want to admit that my apology was expedited by the fact i received a strong reality check which made me aware of how much responsibility i had in these events, i try to make it clear what things i figured out on my own and what had to be explained to me. My part only lacks consequence because it was beaten to them by someone else's actions. I was not threatened with an exposé, my guilt was simply spelled out to me and i wish to take responsibility.

I would like to apologize to JasonD100 and his community, Eshe_LaJejune, AnimatedSarah, Lily(SecretaryOf_Transtifa), SakuraGore and multiple other people who i have reached out to in private. Recently i came forward with a statement and part of it was that JasonD100 was transphobic to me by misgendering and joking about me defending pedophilia. I got to know Jason as an insightful and caring person, who also brings humor to his commentary and upholds a safe space for POC and trans people. While i have been singled out before it was always in good fun and did not have an issue with it. The conversation about pedophilia with me at the center of it hurt my feelings. My perception of what went on was that he was playing it up for laughs. What i realize now after watching the VOD multiple times, is that in that moment he was trying to change the topic and move on which i missed because i was focused on typing carefully, worried of wording things incorrectly. I confused his way of attempting to move on for attempts to ridicule. Misunderstanding like this can happen to anyone, but where this situation is unique is my reaction. I did not handle it in private with Jason, nor have i asked for a second opinion, nor did i proactively show anyone the VOD. I kept reliving the moment until i believed something completely different happened. I never rewatched the VOD and that was a massive mistake and utterly uncharitable. The worst part, i kept reiterating this story to my close friends in a continuously more disparaging form. And they believed it, because until then i had a spotless track record, because they though i would be able to back it up and because i said that i am over it - but it became the truth to me and when i proceeded with the following events, i already manufactured consent with Lily and SakuraGore using my emotion to manipulate them.

On top of that i have taken two separate stories about Jason from close friends SakuraGore being one of them, who had bad interactions with him, but did the right thing - rolling their eyes and moving on and only relayed mild frustration about it in private conversation. I took those two stories and attached them to mine to put to words why i am annoyed with Jason and i went to Eshe_LaJejune and asked for permission to make a statement on her stream. That statement was originally meant to be about other two people who have done wrong in the community, but i was angry and hurt and i added Jason in the last moments. The intent of this statement was to vent about these frustrations to friends in a safe place which i refer to as "place where we can talk about our pains and problems" and the reason i asked permission was because i expected it to be 'ruining the mood'. The problem is that that was never going to be the case, these are serious claims and because of how much i have stressed how important the space is to me, because i used the words "it's one of very few places where do i feel listened to", because i built personal trust with Eshe, because i was trustworthy as mod for a larger streamer, i have now been made to understand that i have manipulated Eshe into letting me do it without due diligence, because of all this trust and because of the way the people there are - mods who volunteer to keep leftist spaces safe - it was going to be taken VERY seriously. This is something i have never experienced before and i have only realized the gravity of this statement when confronted over a week later.

During that week i admitted that i made this statement to littlebear36's moderation team which prompted a close friend of mine: Lily - SecretaryOf_Transtifa, who has already been distraught over these event to post it in a community wide moderation space with a very heated and disparaging sentiment attached to it. This is where full scrutiny was applied to the events for the first time and a lot of very heated conversations happened, including me chipping in and providing the full context and when at first challenged i reacted in a very passive aggresive way, i just wanted to disengage, i asked Lily to not continue posting, which she promissed then soon did anyway which is when i left. When pressed Lily doubled down on her actions with the sentiment that she doesn't care about online stuff anymore on multiple separate occasions and this was seen as her going out with a boom and bypassing littlebear's wishes to leave Jason alone which is why Lily got unmodded and later left to live offline. My statement on Eshe's stream was to a limited reach of about 10 people i consider friends and the only people who knew what i was going to say were Eshe, SakuraGore and Lily. All three of them were in the same way manipulated into not asking for proof, because they trusted me and my judgement. What i did not understand until presented with it is: I have done a much milder version of the same thing.

I have mentioned two stories above told to me in private by friends. Both of those stories were in regards of how Jason interacts with people based on their skin color. I will not discuss anything about this, because it's intensely none of my business and i should have never said anything about it in the first place. What i will say instead is an experience i can speak on, which is how i feel when i see other trans people in online communities: I am happy to see them, i am happy to find out they're trans and thriving and i do try to connect to them, especially if they were someone i already knew and found out they're actually trans. Which is comparable to what Jason did and it should never be about whether the conversation goes well, but about the intent and i know Jason's intent was good. He is a wonderful ally, he participates in organizing and upholds a safe space. I respect him, his work and passion, even if his content can be not be for every, it does not matter beyond the point of "do i want to watch or not", nor does it reflect on his values.

All that said, i am sorry JasonD100 and his community, you have been kind and wonderful to me on so many occasions and disparaging you over an overblown and petty grievance is a gross threat to a very important safe space for many people i care about and a brilliant place to learn crucial perspectives that are nowhere near as abundant as they should be. I learned a lot of important things from you and your streams and i am sorry i repaid you with this disaster.

I am sorry Eshe_LaJejune for violating your trust and manipulating you into repeating gross lies i cooked up in my confused mind and ruining what was a wonderful trust built on among other things mutual understandings of morality and principality. You held up your end of the deal, while in one week i faltered so far i understand why you see it as iredeemable. I stand by what i said about not owing trust to reformed nazis and respect you greatly for sticking to it even on the receiving end of it. I wish your stance was not as definitive as it is, but this is something i have always admired you for.

I am sorry SakuraGore that i have put you in an awful position where you stood by me as the supportive and wonderful friend you are and believed my lies, invested yourself emotionally in my well being only to be repaid with life draining mess and insinuation that you were somehow willingly complicit in smearing someone, despite the fact you were clear in thinking i should leave this be and move on.

I am sorry AnimatedSarah that i lied to you and when you were willing to take me up on my word and when confronted i both doubled down with a new sentiment and dismissed you by saying i am too tired to explain myself, which is not acceptable. Your care for the community and people in it is immense and i am sorry for abusing your charitability.

I am sorry Lily that i did not consider your feelings and set you up to trip yourself up for my sake and then i let you take a fall for what i was complicit in. We spiraled together and you beat me by a hair and i did not fess up instantly that i am also guilty. Your disregard upset me, but i am only beginning to understand my part in your actions. I won't let you take all the blame anymore though.

I will be staying away from positions of power or trust, until i can honestly say i can trust myself, then and only then i will even consider accepting someone's trust again. This means i am stepping down as a littlebear36 mod. I will also give as much space as they want to anyone i affected. I have to grieve now and then work on nothing like this ever happening again.