OneLiners

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory.. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.;
Nurse to Doctor - "There's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." Dr says "Well tell him I can't see him right now.";
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.;
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself, this is the last thing I need.;
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.;
Just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.;
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.;
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.;
Dr's are saying not to worry about the bird flu because its tweetable.;
For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.;
I ordered 2000 lbs of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.;
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 1379 matches.;
A termite walks into a bar and says "Where is the bar tender?".;
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully I tuned myself around.;
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said "No, wait! I can change.";
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.;
My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him "oh yeah we'll see about that!";
My friend's in prison for flashing; he says he can't bare it anymore.;
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.;
Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested.;
My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.;
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke.";
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frost bite.;
I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.;
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.;
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.;
Not to brag, but I still fit into the lack of enthusiasm I had in high school.;
Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.;
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.;
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".;
After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off.";
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.;
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.;
Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?;
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.;
Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.;
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.;
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.;
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.;
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.;
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!;
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”;
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.;
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.;
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.;
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.;
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.;
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.;
What do you call a thieving alligator? A Crookodile.;
Q. What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison? A. An escapea.;
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.;
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't",;
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.;
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.;