Those Who Do Not Move: Vinata's Calm

Those Who Do Not Move: Vinata's Calm

Today's gone on way longer than it should have, but at least tomorrow should be better.  It's a full moon night, so I just have the match with Cara and then I'll have most of the day to be alone.

My hand touches the handle for my door just as my name is called behind me.  For a second I seriously consider ignoring it, but I wouldn't do that to her.  I turn to see Vinata peering out from her own doorway, looking at me.  "Vee," I answer back, trying not to sound bitter and annoyed but most likely failing.

Her hand goes to her mouth as she looks at my face.  She holds it there as she moves up to me and slowly exhales.  It's only when she's barely a foot away that her expression slowly shifts from surprise to sadness.  She reaches out a hand and slowly holds it over the wound as she sighs, "You're always getting hurt."

There's nothing to say to that, either.  If I laugh it off she'll just worry more.  If I agree it'll be even worse.  There's nothing I can do to make her feel better except by distracting her.  "What do you need?"
she pauses and looks back to my eyes.  Her hand pulls back almost immediately as she gasps "Oh, right.  Can we talk?"  She tips her head toward my room.

My eyes unfocus as I think about the last time she was in my room on the night before the full moon.  She probably recognizes this as she quickly adds "I won't stay the night."

Deal.  I nod and head inside.
She hesitantly continues "Though - I guess you figured it out a month ago - but I'd like to."
I stop in front of my chair.  It looks so inviting.  It leans back, so I could nap in it.  I could nap and wake up and no one would've said anything.

"Val?"  I turn back to Vee, who's watching me with concern and uncertainty.  "You haven't said anything.  Are you all right?"
Filling my lungs doesn't usually take this much effort, but my ribs and shoulders both feel like they weigh significantly more than usual.  "It's been a long day."  I try to raise the pitch of my voice just a bit to make it sound like I'm in a better mood, but all that happens is that it takes on a slightly wheezy quality.
She swallows before quietly offering "Is now a bad time?"
That actually makes me smile.  "Vee, when would you think is a good time for this?"

I didn't want to see her look hurt or saddened.  Not her or Rina or Evette or even Lythalia.  I didn't want to hurt any of them today.  And yet here I am, looking at her as she looks away, trying to maintain composure in spite of the blow I just dealt.

When she looks back it's only to ask "Why?"
"Because I don't love you like that."
"But you do love me," she presses.  "Even if it isn't like a lover, isn't that still close?  We still care for each other."
"And it's not the same."
"But it's closer than not knowing each other at all."  She looks around, frustrated, trying to form an argument through the fog of discomfort.  "We're closer than- than some girl you've never met before, right?"

Ah.  That's it.  I did this.  I brought all of this down on my own head.  I collapse onto my chair, eliciting a creak as complaint.  "No, Vee.  That's not how it works."  My tired brain dredges up the first thought that comes up as a possible answer.  "If it's points on a line, then it's family on one side, strangers in the middle, and lovers on the other side.  Way opposite sides."

I'm not even looking straight at her anymore.  I don't want to and I'm too tired and uncomfortable to force myself to bear with it.  Instead I just watch her stew in her frustration as she presses a hand to her chin and glares angrily at the wall.  "But a human girl," she finally bursts.  "They- they cheat on their husbands!"

I nod slowly.  "Some of them, yeah.

"They aren't beautiful or- or as," she looks around again, as though looking to find the right word written on the walls.  "They aren't as skilled," she finally, quietly says, placing a great deal of emphasis on the last word and pausing before finishing, "at being with their husbands.  You'd prefer that to one of us?  Any of us?"

I nod again.  "Yes."

She stares at me again, angry and miserable in equal parts.  She slowly starts "That's not-"
"Fair," I offer.
"Right."  She takes a deep breath.  "It's not right."

We wait for a minute, both of us deciding what to say now.  She's trying to figure out how to get closer to me while I try to figure out how to make her leave without crushing her feelings.  It's a big, stupid dance that I've been shoved into.

She glances to my bed and back to me.  "It's getting pretty cold.  Do you think we could lie down?  Just for a little while."
"We shouldn't."  I don't want her any closer right now.  I don't want her holding onto me.
"If we'd never been a family, would you have thought about me?  Would you have dated me?"
I shake my head, "I don't know."
She presses, "Could you have, though?"

She's just standing there now, staring at me with those brilliant, slitted eyes.  The snakes hanging down from her temples are all but limp except for the tilt of their heads turned to face me.  "Why are strangers closer to you than we are?"
I don't know.  I won't tell her that I don't know, because I don't want to have to tell her what the options are.  Someone has to be responsible here, and it's either me or it's them.
She scoots an inch closer as she continues, "If you don't know then why not change it?  Lythalia already-"
"No," I interrupt.  "I'm not doing anything that Lythalia thinks is a good idea."
Another inch, "But why?  If you don't have any reason then why not change?  You would be happier."  She tilts her head and sighs, "We would be happier."

I appreciate that she's trying to work through this problem.  It's really no different from what I was already doing.  "I'm not ripping out a part of my personality."
"You're not ripping it out, you're just changing, and only slightly.  You'd just be getting over this nonsensical problem."
"Nonsensical?"
"Yes!"  She moves forward now in earnest, lowering herself on her tail to come closer to me and stopping when we're only two feet away.  "Val, we're not brother and sister.  We're not related at all.  Why is it that you won't even consider us?  I know you don't dislike us."

She waits a moment before moving closer.  She isn't looking away now; she's looking me straight in the eyes.  "If you'd never been adopted you would've dated us, like you did that Nekomata.  But the only difference between her and us is that you know us better."
"There's more to it than that."
She furrows her brow.  "What?  What more?  That you don't want to change things?  You're going to be leaving us someday, so it's not change or loss.  So what's left?"  She doesn't give me a chance to answer, "Human culture."  It's not a question, it's an indictment.

I stare back at her now.  "You know that's not it."
"I don't know that."
Of all the things I have to deal with.  "If you think that little of me then why are you even here?"
She shakes her head in frustration, "I don't think less of you.  It's not your fault."
"I'm not-"
"Then why won't you even consider changing your mind?"
"Because it's wrong," I snap at her.  She draws back slightly, but then her expression finally softens.

She reaches down and holds one of my hands.  "It's not wrong and it's not sick, and I don't know how humans can think that it is."  Her thumb starts to move, stroking the side of my hand between thumb and forefinger.  "Who are you trying to protect, you or me?"  I take a breath to answer, but she lifts her other hand and places a finger to my mouth.  "You don't have to do anything right now.  I know that neither of us would be hurt, but I want you to think it through on your own."

My hand slips out of hers as she pulls herself back up to her usual height and pulls back.  After a moment she's turned around and gives a vague little wave and a "Good night" as she slips out of my room.

A minute after that I walk out into the hallway and knock on one of the doors.
"Ah, I'm a little tied up right now," Lythalia responds.  I was expecting to have to talk through the door, but it opens a second later, revealing her naked form covered in a complicated pattern of knotted, interwoven ropes.  "Oh, Shiny, do you think you could do me a favor?"
"No."
"Oh come on," she whines while she turns around.  "It's this knot between my shoulders - I just can't get to it.  Do you think you could tie it for me?  Just something simple so I can get myself out in a little while."

I stare at the offered ends of rope for a moment, before sighing and setting to work.  "Hey," I start once the knot is almost done, "don't tutor my siblings on how to debate with me.  It's annoying."
"Oh, that was just-"
"There.  Have fun untying a double constrictor knot."

I close the door and walk off, ignoring her shouting my name.