I wanna start off by addressing what happened on Tuesday. I know you weren't poorly intentioned, you were just doing your job. I don't blame you for that and I don't think nor were you doing anything wrong, I understand what you did. Furthermore, the partnership fell through and while what happened doesn't feel right, I accept and understand that nothing will change with this conversation. What happened happened, I don't care about the server or the partnership right now, that's not anywhere in my focus with this.

What I did have a problem with, and what my issue was with the whole NSFW thing from the start, was simply how the whole matter was handled. I'll start here by saying the language I used was inflammatory, the hurt from the situation got to my head, and all that "haven't forgiven you" bullshit was just me being angry. I shouldn't have resorted to that language as it only led to confusion and anger so for that, I apologize. Simply stated, I was angry that I'd never been asked about any of this before the situation arose. Shasta, in his talks to you, simply forgot things. It wasn't a malicious attempt to hide or start drama, it was a mistake, one we all make, but nobody ever reached out to me (save shasta) after that happened and nobody, as it seems, followed up with shasta after he failed to relay any of our talks back to you. Miscommunication is what it fell down to in the end. I'm disappointed that somehow, one member (me) led to the tarnishing of the server's reputation even after all the hard work I'd done since then to streamline things. It seemed like everyone was fixated on that one particular event for reasons I couldn't understand, especially given the fact it had happened so long ago and the current state of the server was completely safe. However, I don't want to focus that or dwell on it. That's a grudge I can take to the server itself if I really felt like it, which I don't right now, esp considering I doubt I'd be heard or even recognized given that another mod is already ignoring me, but now Im just riding another tangent.

what kinda irked me was that it felt like the blame was getting to shasta. nobody had asked me for the details on the nsfw access before it was brought up, I was getting slammed with past drama and information that seemed irrelevant to begin with, yes shasta just slipped up. you talked about past history and all these things you have with him, which is completely legitimate, but felt like just another way to slip everything onto shasta. when i said you had some resposibility to take, I didn't say that to make it completely all your fault, because it wasn't. there was no fault in any of it, it was just a mutual miscommunication, but i felt like it was all getting piled on shasta.

now this is what i have to unpack in two ways. I'll start with the one i feel is most pressing
I'm worried about how you respond to things. I know that's really general and honestly kinda bs but I don't know any better words to simplify it, so let me dive in.
 Back when I first met you we talked a little bit about Chad when he joined the server. You talked about times when he gave you things he "didn't like" about the server or your art, you said he hated your art and the server, and I tried to reason that wasn't the case. Chad, and later i asked him about this, was just trying to offer suggestions. he was trying to give tips for betterment and improvement of the server, he genuinely had no malicious intent.
Here's another one, back when I was having some kinda conversation to you about Scarlett you said something along the lines of "well I'm sorry she;s not your definition of a great friend" to which i replied "that's not what i meant at all". You meant it as a joke, I didn;t pick up on it, so I said it wasn't something I really joked about. You then came back and said you;d stop telling jokes at all since they hurt me so much. you said the same thing after the time I tried to ask yall to stop telling a joke and left the server because of it.
after this incident, you said that i was making it all your fault, and make you the bad guy, and completely disregard your thoughts and feelings.

jix, in these situations, that didn’t need to be the reaction. For chad, he wasn’t trying to demean you or hate your work, he was just trying to offer tips for improvement. For me and your jokes, I didn;t get offended with everything you said, there were just some things that crossed the line or I didn’t like to joke about. For what happened Tuesday, I wasn’t trying to disregard you or pin you with blame, I just felt that honestly, you had a part in what happened as well, even if you weren’t poorly intentioned, and neither was shasta either.

that day when I left the server then proceded to ghost you for two entire month, i was on three hours of sleep and really depressed. That joke was just one I didn’t want to hear, and after 5 times of asking the server to stop, even if it was a joke, nobody did, and I didn’t want to deal with it. Kite apologized after I left, but you came to me, told me it was obviously a joke, told me i was being dramatic for leaving, and told me if your jokes were so bad you’d just stop them all together.
that broke me.
Not only was I hurt that you seeming didn’t care about how I was feeling, or what I was saying, but you tried to close yourself off by just giving up and stopping all jokes ever. I don’t know if there’s a word for that, or anything beyond a simple misunderstanding, but it feels manipulative. I know that;s not your heart, but it feels that way, and it feels like that to others too.
You never asked me how I felt, just like you never asked me if the joke really hurt, or you never asked chad if he was just offering suggestions, or asked me about the info you were giving to your fellow staff. then you took the info you had and made it big, like the only was to better yourself was to just stop joking entirely, or redo all your art and the server or say he hates it and ban him, or say I’m being inconsiderate or shasta is stirring drama. It’s not true, and its not the best path, and frankly, it’s destructive not just to others like myself, but to you as well. I always see you put yourself so, so far down because of incidents like tuesday, but it’s not how it has to be, that’s what i want to show you

when that joke hurt, it would have meant the world if you had just asked if it hurt, asked if it crossed a line, and where that line was, or what about the joke hurt. when chad gave feedback, it would have been good to maybe just consider it, or even ask him what his intentions were so you could see if he was hating your methods or just trying to give feedback. when you went to talk to shasta about me, you could have asked for a follow up, or when you gave the info to your staff team, admitted that you never heard a follow up, or that the information was dated and things have since changed (ifthat didn’’t cross your mind, I wouldnt have expected it to so this ismainlyjust  for saying. My point in all of this is, we aren’t all out here to hurt you,you’re not doing everything wrong at all times, one little slip-up isn’t something detrimental in your ways of handling or your personality. there are ways to improve everything that don’t carry with it such heavy actions and burdens.

For example the jokes, specifically the flirt one. My limit is that I don’t like to joke about my flirting sometimes. It can be embarrassing and in that particular context i didn’t like it, and that’s all it was. When it was the joke about Scarlett, I just have trouble distinguishing some language from a joke and a serious topic, and that was a time I thought was serious when it was a joke and I misunderstood, and even then I don’t like joking about other people and my thoughts of them as friends to others for various reasons not worth getting into as it strays from the true point here. That’s all really. I don’t hate all your jokes, and it’s not exclusive to you, I’ve even mentioned it to IRL friends, but all that I really needed was to just draw a line there. You don’t have to assume I hate all your jokes, if that’s a concern you can ask me, but you don’t have to jump to that. The line was with that particular joke, and that was all. If you had asked about it, you would have seen, but you didn’t in the moment and you were angry and I understand your frustration in that, but sometimes it is just better to ask.

Same thing with chad. He was just trying to be helpful, provide support, and honestly be friendly. He wasn’t poorly intentioned and he didn’t dislike your art or the server (in fact he let me know that he really really liked your art), he just had tips. I know the contrary is an easy conclusion to jump to but you can see it wasn;t the case.

moreover, i hurt. a lot. and sometimes you just don’t ask. i don;t expect you to go out of your way bending over backwards to check on me and ask me about my every movement but like, if something is so serious that i have to ask people to stop, and so serious that i leave, don’t you think it’s better to ask about there motives than assume? jix, it hurt, a lot, but asking would have have allowed us to remedy in a way that both of us could have walked away better.
chad was angry with the way things got left off, he was trying to help, but nobody ever communicated to him that his feedback was being interpreted as hate and or criticism, which wasn;t the case. asking would have given him the chance to clarify that he liked your work and was just offering ways to improve, and you could have rest assured in that fact and maybe even taken the tips if you felt they were helpful.

i guess the summary of this whole thing is that, simply put, jumping to conclusions is hurting you. you drag yourself down a rabbit hole of assumption after assumption to the point I’m often scared to bring things up to you or talk to you about things because I don’t know how you;ll respond. if you have a concern, you can ask, it never hurts. assuming the worse about others isn;t constructive, but assuming the worse about yourself too is even worse. Youre much better than you tell yourself, and incidents like this you put yourself down so far in ways that were just unreasonable.

stream of consciousness of course clarifies this, that youre not being manipulative, but by jumping to conclusions you’re being unreasonable to yourself and others

i want to finish this off by saying this, I am not saying any of this to criticize you, I am not saying any of this to demean you, call you a terrible person, put you down, hate you, anything like that. I just want to show you what I see, something that i think can help you and others tremendously. and while i dont expect everything to just change overnight, i hope that i’ve shown you effectively, and i hope i can be there to explain more and help you with this if you’re okay with this, but most importantly i just hope i haven’t lost a friend with this. I understand if I’m a source of stress for you that you’d rather not have, but i hope with this you see i still care and want to help you grow.

i did say above earlier this was a two part unpack but i want to take time with what ive given you for you to read (if you choose) and respond to this before continuing. I want to hear your thoughts, your thoughts behind the incidents I’ve mentioned if I’ve gotten them wrong, or really anything i could have gotten wrong. any feedback or thoughts you have, i want to hear them

anyways normally id give this more time to proofread but i think ive written what i wanted to say
i have some work to do tonight so i might not be on when/if you respond, but ill respond asap

also, and I need to make this clear, please do not share this document with a n y o n e
i am keeping it private myself, for no other reason than I’d like to keep our conversation here.