Professor Oldfag's Time Machine

This was a protest script when we were derailed too often by Oldfags bemoaning the fact that among the 16 girls currently performing in the thread, none of them were names they recognized.

Professor OldFag's Time Machine 1/2

Hello, Professor Oldfag? Are you in here? Basement offices are so dark. Well, I wanted to talk to about my grade. <Be sexy and alluring here>I was just wondering if there was anything, and I mean anything I can do to––<Total Shock and Upset> OhmiGod! All that blood! All over your keyboard! N-no! Stop hitting your head like that! You'll break your monitor! Gee, I hope you weren't looking at one of my papers...What? Time? A time machine? You were trying to code a time machine! Stop crying, please.
<Trying to calm him down with reason>

Time machines never really work, you know. There's all these paradoxes and things that go wrong. At least that's what I've read. Where...I mean, when did you want to go? I think the time of the French Revolution, or maybe the 20s-30s in America in New York would be so cool, huh?––– 2009? You're kidding, right? [Shiver] That was high school for me. I would NOT want to go through that again. What? When you were relevant? Professor, I don't understand. Golden age? Poker room? Oh, Vocaroo! <Pause> N-no, you're confused. I don't know any of those names and that last one you mentioned sounds like a bed anyway. I'm not any of those girls.

<Be sexy and alluring here> I'm <insert thread name>. Let me take your mind off of this. Look at me. I'm a young, sexy, supple college coed offering to give herself to you and let you do just anything you want right here and right now. In this time! I could be so good for you. <pause> Um, kinda limp here, prof. Blue pill time? Let's just get you cleaned up and––--whoa! <SFX frantic keyboard tapping> What? You're kidding! You'd rather code your way out of this? Seriously? You'll be able to recreate the past this time? And it doesn't matter that you could have me, right now, for sure? <Sigh> I guess I'll go see Professor K. I don't really need to improve my grade in English, but he always takes care of me. <Air kiss> Maybe I'll be around When you get your head out of the past. I doubt it. But maybe.