Personal Log #1

I've always been this way.
Hard. Unaccommodating. Relentless.
Always shared few sacred moment with others.
One way or another I always felt like a worm, crawling inside mother's Earth deep condolences.
Yet, here I am. Deprived of my own destiny.

Pulled away from everything I knew. Sent back do a distant past, trying to figure out what went wrong.
Specifically, when.
Specifically... why.
Never thought about being stranded all alone in a distant past. On what I can easily call an alien planet.
This fucking shitty old Earth is just that: shitty. Everything is abnormal, here.
Weather, society. Not to mention quality of life.

I want my life back. I'm, eager to get back to my time, when many things were easier. More... relatable.
Yet, I'm here. Sent back to this sinking hole.
Observing and depositing info into the future.
Time archivist, they say. I hope they're right.
I just hope they're absolutely right.

I remember when I first came here. Full with fear. Fear for my future.
Fear for myself.
I knew the'd put up a listening post called The Lighthouse.
Nevertheless I couldn't help but thinking about all those millions of variables which I couldn't grasp.

I felt desperate.
I knew I was doing the right thing.
I felt lonely.
I knew there still was a chance to save my Earht.
I felt scared.

I started my job a The Lighthouse months ago. As soon as arrived. It was silent. Completely silent. Everything was old and rusty. I prayed a lot. Not the same old God of course. One of the new ones. Still, I had no response. As usual.
Some things never change, right?

In the Lighthouse there's this abandoned, quite room. I loosen up there for a while, sometimes, trying to feel the rhythm of this world, on the verge of total annihilation.
And when I'm here, my mind starts wandering.

I focus on the rain, over there.
Every single drop seems to wash me away. How dare this planet?
I try to see through every single drop.
Like I'm trying to find something forever out of my reach.
It's all useless.
All wasted.

There's no remorse, of course. Nor bad feelings between me and WECHPEC guys.
Never will be.
They did choose me among hundreds because I had what they needed.
Didn't have a family.
Didn't have a past.
Nor a future, actually, if things would go as they were supposed to.

Decision was quite simply, you know?
I packed my things. Closed the door behind me.
In less than two hours I was sent years back in time.
Alone again.
Scared again.

I find myself in this very strange and deadly spot: no safe past, no safe future. I'm stuck in between.
Time cannot pass for me.
I'm not allowed to grow in here.
I'm not allowed to live in the future either. In my future.
I can only live in this fucking endless present.
Earth as I know it will cease to exist if I don't send these info back to my source.

What am I looking for? That's a good question.
I wish I know.
I wish they told me.
The only thing they left me was a note. A single, small note.
Handwritten on a little, sticky paper.
All the instructions were there.
I burned it, like asked, soon after I reached The Lighthouse.

I put up these simple connection to the future with my SOME interface.
I totally rely on this WECHPEC Temporal Signal Booster of mine.
Temporal gateway is stable and holding. For now.
I just hope this shit won't break at some point.
I would be difficult, for me. To say the least.

I also regularly check the Lighthouse's Temporal shift room.
I couldn't explain in detail how it works.
I only know he's keeping me alive in this time.
It's a reminder of sort. Like I'd need to be reminded how fragile is everything around here.

I don't know.
Can't write down ideas properly right now.
I'm walking on the verge of a new tomorrow and yet I'm stranded in the past.
It seems I'm losing it. I'm just few feet away from it.
Can't hold it.
Can't grasp it.
Can't talk directly with the guys at the Hovel.
Can't talk to anyone, it seems.

I'm just here with all the ones I can afford to be with.
We are just three.
And we're all alone, living in a memory.

My echo, my shadow and me.