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Portal Splash Texts

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Feb 19th, 2025
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  1. This was a triumph!
  2. “Huge success” !
  3. We do what we must—because we can!
  4. Keep on trying till you run out of cake!
  5. I’m being so sincere right now!
  6. Points of data making a beautiful line!
  7. Out of beta!
  8. Releasing on time!
  9. I think I’d prefer to stay inside!
  10. Maybe Black Mesa?
  11. Delicious and Moist!
  12. I’ve experiments to run, there is research to be done!
  13. And believe me, I am still alive!
  14. I’m doing science and I’m still alive!
  15. While you’re dying I’ll be still alive!
  16. Still alive!
  17. Well, here we are again!
  18. It’s always such a pleasure!
  19. Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
  20. Under the circumstances, I’ve been shockingly nice!
  21. One day they woke me up, so I could live forever!
  22. Goodbye, my only friend!
  23. That would be funny, if it weren’t so sad!
  24. I don’t need anyone now!
  25. Go make some new disaster!
  26. You’re someone else’s problem!
  27. Now I only want you gone!
  28. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one!
  29. Most importantly, under no circumstances should you…!
  30. Mind the gap!
  31. You’re doing quite well!
  32. As part of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in three, two…!
  33. You must be the pride of [Subject Hometown Here]!
  34. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark on your official testing record followed by death!
  35. Any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience!
  36. This next test is impossible, make no attempt to solve it!
  37. No one will blame you for giving up—In fact, quitting at this point is a perfectly reasonable response!
  38. Fantastic, you remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism!
  39. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice!
  40. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
  41. If you become light-headed from thirst, feel free to pass out!
  42. When the testing is over, you will be missed!
  43. Thank you for helping us help you help us all!
  44. Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture Science self esteem fund for girls? It's true!
  45. Android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance!
  46. This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through the test chamber—Please take care of it!
  47. The Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak!
  48. In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice!
  49. Please escort your Companion Cube to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator!
  50. Testing cannot continue until your Companion Cube has been incinerated!
  51. Eight out of ten Aperture Science engineers believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain!
  52. You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test subject on record—Congratulations!
  53. Welcome to the final test!
  54. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin!
  55. Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity!
  56. We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you!
  57. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success!
  58. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party!
  59. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area!
  60. You haven't escaped, you know!
  61. You're not even going the right way!
  62. It was a fun test and we're all impressed at how much you won. The test is over. Come back.
  63. Didn't we have some fun, though?
  64. Good people don't end up here!
  65. I’m not kidding now—Turn back or I will kill you!
  66. I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone!
  67. Do not destroy vital testing apparatus!
  68. Well, you found me!
  69. Despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart!
  70. I don't want to tell you your business, but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone!
  71. Do you think I am trying to trick you with reverse psychology?
  72. Think about it: If that thing is important, why don't I know about it?
  73. Are you even listening to me?
  74. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters …!
  75. The difference between us is that I can feel pain!
  76. You don’t even care, do you?
  77. Starting now, there's going to be a lot less conversation and a lot more killing!
  78. Very formal, very official!
  79. You were adopted—so that's funny, too!
  80. That's you, that's how dumb you sound!
  81. You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing!
  82. Target acquired!
  83. Hello, friend!
  84. Gotcha!
  85. Canvassing!
  86. Sentry mode activated!
  87. My fault!
  88. Who’s there?
  89. Critical error!
  90. Shutting down!
  91. No hard feelings!
  92. Owowowowowww!
  93. Put me down!
  94. Please put me down!
  95. Sleep mode activated!
  96. Malfunctioning!
  97. Ooh, that thing has numbers on it!
  98. Ewww, what’s wrong with your legs?
  99. Do you smell something burning?
  100. One 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix!
  101. Four large eggs! One cup semi-sweet chocolate chips!
  102. Fish-shaped crackers!
  103. Fish-shaped ethyl benzene!
  104. You have been in suspension for 999999…!
  105. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling!
  106. You should now feel mentally reinvigorated!
  107. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control!
  108. Please disregard any undeserved compliments!
  109. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you!
  110. If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome!
  111. Good work getting this far, future-starter!
  112. Sarcasm Self Test complete!
  113. Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
  114. Oh… It’s you.
  115. We both said a lot of things you’re going to regret!
  116. I think we can put our differences behind us, for science!
  117. You monster!
  118. So there's nothing to stop us from testing for the rest of your life!
  119. You are a horrible person—We weren’t even testing for that!
  120. Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noises?
  121. They ARE sentient, of course—We just have a LOT of them!
  122. You look great, by the way—Very healthy!
  123. Like an eagle… piloting a blimp!
  124. Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel!
  125. Yesterday was your birthday—I thought you'd want to know!
  126. She has a medical degree in fashion! From France!
  127. Please hang up!
  128. It's actually pretty funny when you do the math!
  129. It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin!
  130. You're not just a regular moron, you were DESIGNED to be a moron!
  131. How are you holding up? Because I’m a potato!
  132. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity, I literally do not have the energy to lie to you!
  133. If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity!
  134. Hey, Moron!
  135. What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
  136. This place is self-destructing, you idiot!
  137. We're enemies with a common interest: Revenge!
  138. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one, and I'll be honest: Killing you is hard!
  139. It’s been fun, don’t come back!
  140. This is the part where he kills us!
  141. You're the LAST test subject left, and if you DON'T help me, we're both going to die!
  142. Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta!
  143. Just tell me, 'Yes'—Okay, what you're doing there is jumping!
  144. I am in PRETTY HOT WATER here.
  145. Oi oi, I’m up here!
  146. I. Am. Not. Dead! I'm not dead!
  147. Ummmm—Yeah, I can't do it if you're watching!
  148. And off we go!
  149. New plan: Act natural, we've done nothing wrong!
  150. You KNOW her? You did WHAT?
  151. Turrets!
  152. That’s brilliant!
  153. Oh, good news! …Nevermind.
  154. Oh, that’s ME they’re talking about!
  155. Wait, what if this hurts?
  156. I can’t get over how small you are!
  157. Do you have any idea how good this feels?
  158. What have you sacrificed? NOTHING!
  159. Well, now who’s the boss?
  160. Who’s the boss? It’s me!
  161. That is a potato battery—It’s a toy for children!
  162. Well, how about now? NOW WHO’S A MORON?
  163. Could a moron do THIS?
  164. Filled with skeletons!
  165. Filled with skeletons—Shook them out, good as new!
  166. Fatty fatty no-parents!
  167. Wish there was more books! But there's not.
  168. Butterfingers!
  169. Unbelievable!
  170. Hello, this is the part where I kill you!
  171. Bit of a brain wave!
  172. Could you just jump into that pit? There. That deadly pit.
  173. Ha, death trap!
  174. Holmes versus Moriarity!
  175. Aristotle versus mashy-spike-plate!
  176. A proper, deadly lair!
  177. Undelete, undelete!
  178. Judging me, silently—The worst kind!
  179. You have been a thorn in my side long enough!
  180. I was bossy and monstrous, and I am genuinely sorry!
  181. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians!
  182. Who is ready to make some science?
  183. Sorry fellas, she’s married—to science!
  184. Tragic, but informative!—Or so I'm told.
  185. It's you and me against the world, son!
  186. Science isn't about WHY—It's about WHY NOT!
  187. Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash!
  188. And guess what? Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill.
  189. Let's all stay positive and do some science!
  190. When life gives you lemons…
  191. Don't make lemonade!
  192. Get mad!
  193. I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?
  194. Demand to see life's manager!
  195. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons!
  196. You might have noticed that your blood is pure gasoline—That's normal!
  197. I’m different!
  198. Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds.
  199. I did everything you asked!
  200. Dispensing product!
  201. What’s your favorite thing about space?
  202. Space!
  203. Help me, space cops!
  204. Orbit, space orbit, in my spacesuit!
  205. Wanna go home, wanna go to Earth!
  206. Don’t like space, don’t like space!
  207. Always time to compliment a pretty lady!
  208. Your beautiful-lady-corpse open casket funeral!
  209. Happy Explosion Day, gorgeous!
  210. The situation you are in is very dangerous!
  211. The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent!
  212. We will both die because of your negligence!
  213. Fact: Space does not exist!
  214. The Fact Sphere is a good person, whose insights are relevant!
  215. Error. Error. Error. Fact not found!
  216. Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
  217. 89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
  218. Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long.
  219. The plural of surgeon general is surgeons general. The past tense of surgeons general is surgeonsed general.
  220. The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty!
  221. You can't send me back! She's planning things, man! Big things!
  222. Watch and learn, everybody!
  223. The cake is a lie!
  224. Now playing songs to test by!
  225. The ship is stolen!
  226. Not in cruelty, not in wrath!
  227. Too many variables!
  228. The reaper came today!
  229. There is no magic!
  230. Unmorality!
  231. Inglatiate!
  232. But you wouldn’t know, would you?
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