I'm going to write this here because it's going to be *semi* secure, but it has to be a place where I can write, write, write and get some thing off my chest.  I have no idea why it's been rough for me to get going after my vacation, but it has been.  We had a great session upon my return and then my brain decided to step in.

So, what's the deal? I wish I knew.  I've climbed upon a wagon I thought I was done and over with and it's having an impact, but I feel like it's a place I need to be in one more.  As I sit at the bottom of a bottle that I pounded through in on 2 days (something that should, at its EARLIEST, instead of a week.  I could have have easily done as much in a single day, tbh.

For every night that I drink, I do pay a price. Blood from places that I should never see.  Pain in both kidneys as well as the liver area.  My body has hit its limit from the torture I put it through since my divorce 5 years ago and for a time, I was okay and able to set it aside, but since I've returned home after vacation, all I want to do is return to this space. I feel I deserve it and nothing less and see if I can perhaps push things over the boundary.

If any of my long-time friends read this now, you know why and are already pissed at me for this.  For those of you that don't know me, I will lay down the context of it.

For my entire life, I've worn a mask.  Some of my closest friends have seen thought it and realize that I am not the happy-go-lucky person you've come to know.  I'm not all puns and dad jokes once you crack the surface.  It's just a way that I can be sociable and not blatantly ruin everyone's day.

The naked truth: I really shouldn't be alive right now and wish nothing less but to be dead.  I live only because of the most bullshit obligation on the planet which is to keep the worst person on the planet alive and "functioning" but it's hard and the sooner I pass, the sooner I extract some revenge though I know that they will only do what they've always done and find another host from which to leech from as they did me.

To not get into too much detail, I'll only say that I am being taken for over half of my yearly salary on the regular without having a child to support, but only for their benefit.  Why?  Because I was tired of the situation and wanted to move on and rise above it, but that did not truly become the truth of it. With her or without, the end result is the same.  In my passing it only exerts enough pressure for that said person to find another person they will ultimately live off of, but it would no longer be me.

It's a sad existence and one I honestly wish I was no longer a part of.  Is this path stupid? Sure.  Can I change my current situation though? Not really.  Because the impacts of my choices to this point do not make it easy for me to fight the current state of affairs to make it better.  I dare say that it's nigh impossible to change the course and I feel that mentally I have no recourse but to do what I am doing now.

I don't feel that I am bettering anyone's life in general which doesn't help. I've achieved a fair share of life goals too, so it's hard to say that I have more to live for.  Having been able to represent a "popular" game though lesser known for a charity on the big stage, I find myself at a loss on where and what I should do now since setting that goal 4 years prior. And though I am still okay at what I do, I struggle at keeping at it because I know that I have a limited potential and never can live up to those that try to spur me forward.  I feel that today's performance truly proves that I can't keep going with any level of competency and it hurts to think about trying to progress.

In short, I'm really at a loss.  My internet self doesn't know what to do.  The IRL me has pretty much given up on having any sort of life again thanks to many poor decisions in the past that has locked me into an endless loop of servitude.... You can see how it weighs and adds up.

I only draft these words out so that I can vent a lot of what has built up in me over the past few weeks and am not seeking your advice or solutions you feel are what I need to do. I only appreciate you "listening" (as it were) and we can all move out of this, but I don't see a course correction coming my way any time in the near future.  There are other much more deserving folk out there that require your attention.