I would like to serve five terabytes of data.
00:02
No problem, we are Google. Five terabytes is so  little that I've forgotten how to count that low.
00:09
Great! I'll use appengine, that will be easy.
00:12
Very easy. Just register an appengine account,  write a little Python, write unit tests,
00:19
write a regression test, write an end-to-end  test, create a CL, pass the submit queue,
00:25
get the CL approved, wait for the  build to go green, and submit it.
00:29
Great, that will only take a week.
00:32
By the way my, data is generated by an  internal cron job- will that be a problem?
00:37
This is Google. You'll need to  store the data in a bigtable.
00:40
That's kind of a pain but I suppose it's  worthwhile for a production quality service.
00:45
You call that production quality? I  made a more robust production quality
00:49
service squatting over the toilet this morning.
00:52
Why is appengine and bigtable not production quality?
00:57
Oh sweet lord in heaven. What happens  when a PCR hits your serving cell?
01:02
A PCR?
01:03
Planed change request.
01:05
This is Google. You need to replicate  your data across multiple bigtable cells.
01:10
How do I do that?
01:11
Just purchase quota in two bigtable cells.
01:14
Done. Now is my service production quality?
01:17
You are so funny. Did you make sure that  both cells are in different PCR zones?
01:23
I didn't realize I had to worry  about that. Why didn't you tell me?
01:27
Look, I just want to serve 5  terabytes. This shouldn't be hard.
01:31
It's not hard. This is Google. By the way, make  sure you file a ticket to replicate your cells.
01:38
Done. Now is my service production quality?
01:41
If you're Yahoo, sure. This is Google. You need  to fail-over cleanly between PCR zones.
01:49
Just launch into both cells and create a corp GFE  DNS entry to point between the two instances.
01:55
I am beginning to hate you. But fine, I will  do that. Now is my service production quality?
02:02
Only if you think your users are scum. Do you?  Do you think your users are scum? Why do you
02:08
hate your users? How will you know when your  service goes down? Have you set up monitoring?
02:14
I just want to serve five terabytes.  Why is this so difficult? Fine,
02:20
I will write something in Diplomat;  I've heard good things about Diplomat.
02:23
Did you give your borg jobs the  appropriate names for diplomat?
02:27
Sweet jesus, you have got to be kidding me.  Never mind then, I'll just use borgmon.
02:35
Good. Just modify someone else's  borgmon code and you're good to go.
02:40
You just need to find someone  with borgmon readability.
02:43
Who has borgmon readability?
02:45
No one has borgmon readability. Just me,  but I don't have time to review your code.
02:51
I will give you a peer bonus if you review my code.
02:53
One peer bonus? I don't get out of bed for less than three.
02:58
That's not very googly, but fine. Three peer bonuses. Now review my 20 lines of borgmon code.
03:05
Looks good to me.
03:06
I need approval.
03:07
Approval costs three more peer bonuses.
03:09
If you weren't a staff software engineer I would
03:11
cut you open like a wet bag of groceries  and play hopscotch with your entrails.
03:16
Fine, now approve my CL.
03:18
Done. By the way, did you remember to purchase  quota for the cell where borgmon will run?
03:24
I am going to quit my job. My  next job will be making your
03:27
vital organs universally accessible and useful.