Thread 43: Stories 1-15

Thread 43 archive: http://archive.moe/mlp/thread/19893243
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>AJ
"Celestia"
~~~~~

>Tia? Got a question.

"And I have a NEED FOR SPEED! AWAY-"

*WHA-CHA!*

*THUMP!*

"...I see your lassoing skills remain despite the long absence."

>Pays ta' keep in shape.

"...And it is fireproof?"

>New workin's from Twilight. Will withstand anythin' up ta' rock melting.

"Noted. As such, if you will kindly un-hogite me, I shall answer your question."

>Well good. Ah' was jus' wonderin', do we have currency transfer?

"...what?"

>Currency transfer, you know, in case a gryphon or somethin' wants ta' trade in fer bits.

"They use bits too."

>Oh? Well, what about Buffalo?

"They use bits."

>...Dragons?

"You know they use bits, you saw how much that red one was packing."

>Is there anyone who don't?

"Nope."

>...How'd ya' manage ta' swing that?

"I didn't. It was before my time."

>Buh...Who the hay could make a universal currency that's used by everyone, even freakin' species who have never met.

"...Blame it on Discord?"

>That's yer answer fer everything.

"And it has served me well. Now untie me!"

>..Nah...

"APPLEJACK YOU COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!... APPLEJACK!?... I'M SORRY I SAID YOU HAD A FAT PLOT!........Shoot."
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>Chrysalis
"Celestia"
'SA'
~~

>I'm telling you, this idea is fool proof!

'She said, seemingly unaware how much it seizes my heart when she says something like that.'

>Oh for... Celestia, back me up here!

"I don't know, it seems like this could easily backfire."

>Bac... WHAT!? How!? How could this possibly backfire!?

'See, now that you've said it, the world WILL find a way.'

"It's predestined, really."

>This was Twilight's idea!

"...Ohhhh!"

'Well, see, now that you said that, I'm suddenly less worried.'

"This might work, yeah."

>SCREW YOU GUYS!

"We're just going off past history. Twilight's plans stumble in the beginning but ultimately succeed, your plans go swimmingly in the beginning but ultimately fall apart."

'Just how it rolls.'

>Well, whatever! She thinks I keep looking too evil, so this plan is sure to win!

'What is the plan, anyway?'

"Something about cookies."

>We bake specialty cookies, sell them at an inflated price using our celebrity status, and put the money towards whatever the hell we feel like that day.

'...Huh. Should work, yeah.'

>Pfft, obviously. Hard for anyone to screw this up.

"Where are the ingredients, by the by?"

>With Cadence.

"..."
'...'

>Oh, come on, I just asked her to make DESIGNS, not bake anything. She's good with designs.

'That is true...'

>So long as she doesn't out of nowhere get the urge to bake, we should all be-

*ROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRR!*

[SHINY HELP!]

"..."
'...'
>...Not a word...
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>Dash
"Rarity"
~~

>No.

"Come ooooooonnn!"

>Noooooo.

"Come oooooooooooooon!"

>Nooooooooooo....

"....*GAAAASSSPPP*...."

>...

"Come Ooooooooooooooooooooo-UMF!"

>...No.

"Don't stick your hoof in my mouth! I have no idea where that thing has been!"

>I do, and it only makes it funnier.

"DASH!"

>Look, I'll be clear. I am NOT letting you redesign the Wonderbolts outfits.

"YOU ARE BEING A TERRIBLE FRIEND!"

>Sure, why not.

"UGGHHHH!"

>...You know, I would probably be more open if you'd just accept it doesn't have to have YOUR color scheme.

"I STAND BY MY ARTISTIC CHOICES!"
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>AJ
"Dash"
~~~~~

>What do ya'll mean, ya' need more fundin!? Ya' only got, like, six members and yer' still gettin' a full budget!

"Most of my budget is going towards scouting."

>Baloney, what'dya need ta' scout that much for!? Yer' the wonderbolts! Ponies're flingin' themselves at you all the time!

"No, they aren't. I fired, like, fifty members, don't you think the word would eventually spread around? Just a bit?"

>It can't be that bad.

"..."

>...Are... are ya' wibble-lippin'?

"...WHYYYYYY!? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HOHOHORRRIBBBBLLLLLEEEE!?"

>W-whoa, easy now, Dash. It can't be that-

"EVERYTHING I KNEW WAS A LIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

>H-hey now! Come on! Don't be like that, come on don't-Oh no, no no don't you do that fetal position thing on the floor, no Dash, no, bad, you get up right now and-

"WHYYYYYYHYHYHYYYYYY!? I JUST WANTED TO BE A WONDERBOOOOLLLLLTTT!"

>L-look, okay!? Ah'm signin'! Ah'm signin' yer' paper and yer' gonna find you the best fliers in the whole world and everythin's gonna be just fine, just you watch! It'll be fine, Dash! It ain't so bad-

"Thanks! Well, that was easier than expected."

>...

"Thanks again for the budget increase, I'll spend it wisel-pfftahahah... can't even say that with a straight face. Later, AJ!"

*SLAM!*

>...Ah'm gonna burn it all ta' the ground... all ta' the ground...
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>Twilight
"Sucker Punch"
'41'

>Hmm...

"What?"

>Hmm...

"Whaaaat?"

>Hmmmm...

'Can you please use words!? This is creeping us out!'

"Oh crap, what if this gave me cancer!? I knew we couldn't trust those con artists at Fawntaine! That dragon's lead me to my death!"

>Hmm...

'Quick! Princess! Heal him with your cancer punch!'

"Wait, let me turn my head, if I don't see it coming I won't try to dodge it!"

>You don't have cancer but this...this is interesting.

"Oh Faust, interesting to a scientist is never good to someone who isn't one!"

'Yeah, seeing those sci-fi movies with you taught me that'

"Someone's gone too far, toyed with nature, and/or played Faust!"

>Are you two finished?

'...now in theaters, SHOCK HOOF!'

>It's not cancer and you're not going to die but I need to run some tests on this. Private Punch, do you need to be anywhere?

"No ma'am."

'Aw, I was gonna introduce you to facepunch...'

"I'll be around later, go on ahead and show the other guys your new headband."

'Aw yeah, who looks like 42 now, suckers?'

41 grins, smacks Punch on the back, and trots off.

>Well...

"Mhm."

>She seems...nice.

"That's my best friend."

>What do you two usually do?

"Beat the shit out of each other, though there's been less of that lately."

>Ah...

"...this is gonna hurt isn't it?"

>Only a lot.
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More Chitty's diary entries.
~~~

>Earlier today I got a weird thought in my head, and I idly asked my mother what a heart tastes like.
>She punched me so hard it broke my jaw, and said "Mostly like that, but more chewy bits"

~~~

>I asked mother yesterday where we were going, she said "The next town"
>I realize now that it was a bad idea to ask her what the town looks like, but whenever she finally arrives I'll be sure to tell her "Dunno, why don't you go check" was a clever comeback.

~~~~

>Today, we arrived in a swamp. I felt sheer dread when I realized I was going to be cleaning muck out of my holes for a while. Mother shared my view, it seemed.
>Carrying her was bad enough, but the "giddy up!" she kept saying felt unnecessarily mean.

~~~~

>I'm starting to wonder if mother's eye sight is going.
>This is the third time I've caught her with a mare she swears looked EXACTLY like a stallion.
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>Yep, her eyesight is definitely going.
>She's been walking right into street poles all day today, and walked into a BUILDING twice now.
>Silently, I can only pray nobody at the national lingerie festival notices.
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>2
"Applejack"
'Students'
[Teacher]
~~~

>For my show and tell, I brought... APPLEJACK!

"Uh... hi?"

'WHAT THE WHAT!?'

[Two, deary? You're not supposed to bring... ponies to show and tell.]

>But you said I could!

[Okay, I should probably have clarified that I meant you could bring them to sit in and watch.]

>She is!

[No, I mean, she could... uh...]

>...

[I meant you could bring, them but not as a...]

>...

[...How did she get you over here anyway?]

"Little critter jus' picked me up and ran. Jus... one second Ah'm at mah desk, next she's liftin' me over her head and draggin' me ta' the portal, and here we are. Ah' don't even know what this is about."

[Oh... Two, you shouldn't abduct ponies.]

>But I was running late! Not-Mom and Auntie Celestia accidentally set fire to the west side of the castle and I was up all night!

"Still, could'a jus' asked."

>Oh... would you please be my show and tell?

"Okay, Ah' meant before ya'...."

>...

"...Fine, whatever."

>COOL!

'Wish I could just abduct princesses.'

'Would be kind of cool, huh?'

'DIBS ON PRINCESS LUNA!'

'NOT FAIR!'

'HEY! I want in on this too!'

>...Whoops.

[WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?]

"...So can Ah' go now, orrr...."

'DIBS ON PRINCESS APPLEJACK!'

"HEY! LET GO YA' VARMIT!'

>SHE'S MY SHOW AND TELL! NEH!

[...I hate my job sometimes.]

"STOP PULLIN'!"

>'NEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'
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>Earlier today, one of the drones went missing. I brought it up to mother, and she asked me which one. I gave a description, and she looked thoughtful for a while.
>She looked under her hoof, peeled off some splattered Chitin, looked it over and said 'nope, this was a different one.'
>I am no longer looking for that drone.

~~~~~

>I asked mother if Queens were allowed to have second jobs today. As in, could we be Queens AND also something else.
>She said it wasn't done normally, but if I wanted to be a Queen AND handicapped keep talking.

~~~~~

>I carried our entire hive today. Loaded up every single one of them on my back and walked for over a dozen miles.
>I was so proud of myself, I stopped being mad they didn't invite me to go get drunk off their asses with them.
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NC
>Luna
"Applejack"
'56'
[student]
~~~

>OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVENS!

"TARNATION, THIS AIN'T RIGHT!"

>WHY!? WE JUST WISHED TO VISIT THE ONE OUR SISTER SPEAKS SO MUCH OF, THAT'S ALL!

"AH' CAN'T WATCH!"

'MOONS...HEEELLLLPP!'

[BUGSPRAY MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU KNOW IT!?]

'NOBODY TELL DT!'
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>Chrysalis
"Twilight"
'SP'
~~~~~

>COOOONSLAMA!

"ACK! CHRYSALIS! I SAID NO SLAMMING SO MANY THING WILL DIE!"

>You keep saying that, I keep slamming your door, nothing happens. I think you're full of it, Twili.

Why the fuck lightning just struck inside the room, Chrysalis would never know.

"NO!"

>...

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

>Uh...

"NO! You do not, do NOT, CALL ME TWILI! TWILI IS RESERVED FOR SHINY ONLY, END OF STORY!"

She shrugged, trying to look indifferent.

>Alright, jeez. Calm the zappy"

"Non-zappy doesn't stop you from opening my doors with a slam, and this is a matter not negotiable."

>Fiiine... so, this him?

"Who?"

>This guy, in the tube, this the one who got that... what do you call it, 'infusion'?

Suspiciously, Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"Did you already know about these?"

She chuckled darkly, trailing her hoof along the glass.

>Oh no, of course not, my minions just know to inform me when matters of my interest are at stake. 41, despite her lack of restraint, is quite loyal. I am up to date with what transpired in that tent, and have been making my own investigations into the matter.

Her tone was more than a little worrying to Twilight.

"Nothing too crazy, right?"

>Twilight...

A wicked smile crossed her face.

>When have I ever been known to do something... dangerous?

'Blublb...'

She blinked, confused as bubbles floated up out of his mouth in the tank.

>Uh... what did he say?

"Think he called you creepy."

>Oh...THE FUCK DID YOU SAY, LITTLE STALLION!?

'BLUBLLBLUBL!'

>THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!... little shit.

"Please do not harass my patients."

>Pfft, fine, I'll go get my jollies off elsewhere! I just wished to see if you had time to continue with Fluttershy.

"No, not yet. You doing okay with her so far?"

>The pinnacle of control.

"..."

>HAH! I didn't believe me either. Later, Not-Twili!

"DON'T YOU EVEN-"

*SLAM!*

"...How you holding up in there?"

'Blublb...'

>How much longer? Well... uh...

'...'

>...Next test!

'BUBLBOUB!
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NC

This is going to be terrible

>PD
"DT"
~~~~~~
Donut Joe's

"Joe! Another chocolate milkshake!"

>So, I've heard about you and your attempts at killing a changeling

"Yea, what of it?"

>Heard you been failing...actually, failing would be considered an improvement

"...So what, you got a better idea?"

>Alright, I'll tell you, want to know why?

"Why?"

>Because you can't top it

"...Really?"

>You see, I have giant robot with the power to destroy Chitania, and all you've got is a tiny little rocket launcher that can't even kill one little changeling

"Excuse me?"

>You heard me, that thing can't even injure a small drone, what could that pathetic thing do to someone like Chitania?

"EX-CUSE ME?"

>You're excused, now then, I must be off, got big plans for the future, unlike you

"..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Grumble... Grumble... I'll show her, calling my TBDRLIATU pathetic...

'Baby? What are you up to?'

"Nothing Daddy, just...planning things"

'Oh...You want some brownies while you plan?'

"Okay, daddy"

"I'll freaking show her...I'll show them all!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued

Find out next time on Princess Applejack: Chitania Defeated /s
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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Cadence'
~Celestia~
^2^
[18]
{42}
=Mane-Iac=
+PD+
~~~~~

>Okay, so, I want to remind everyone that soup is very much still banned, alcohol is still banned, fire is still banned, and any knives that can cut through something thicker than a particularly sturdy piece of bread are still very much banned. I know I am just re-treading old ground, but we have a new guest at the table and I feel I need to answer why his forks are made of rubber.

+I actually kind of guessed already.+

"SERIOUSLY!? We're inviting HIM!?"

~Says the giant love sapping bug monster in regards to the dear longtime friend of the stallion who's wedding she ruined while mind controlling him at who's table she now sits?~

"...You shut up."

'Oh hush you two, this is going to be a good day!'

[And now I am worried.]

{We all are, just bite your pride and say a little prayer.}

^Hey! Caddy didn't do no cooking, I checked!^

'By checked, she means she threw flour balls at me if I walked too close to the kitchen.'

>...Good girl.

'SHINY!'

=AHHAHAHAHHA! BUT QUEEN OVERTUUUUUUUURE, WHAT IS SO MAAAARE-VELOUS ABOUT THIS MEAL!?=

~See? You're okay with her, but not Poindexter?~

"She is worth my time, unlike him."

+Please stop drawing attention to me...+

>YEAH, CADENCE... what's so special?

"Subtle."

>HUSH!

'Oh, I found this really delightful sounding meal, and I asked the chefs to whip it up for us!'

^AWESOOOOOOME!... What is it?^

'Stargazy pie!'

>Huh. Never heard of it.

~I think I have, but cannot for the life of me think of what it was... strange, I feel like I should remember this, the name sticks out...~

[Sounds kind of like something she would make, huh?]

{Did you make it up, Cadence? I'm seeing all sorts of images in my head, and I want to know what it's really like.}

[Yeah, Caddy, tell 42 all about your pie. She clearly can't stop thinking about-OW!]

>NO HITTING AT THE TABLE!

{I uh... my apologies, 18, there was an insect on the back of your head, and my instincts took over. Sadly, I am still more charged than expected, and did not mean to leave such a damage, I will be more mindful of this in the future.}

[Right...]

>That's better.

'ANYWAY!... I have no idea!'

~What?~

"She says she has no ideas, because her head is empty-OW! You said no hitting!"

>Exceptions made when you call my wife dumb.

"HYPOCRITE!"

>Cadence? Continue.

'I don't know what Stargazy Pie is, I just found the recipe in the book and liked the name! I thought it would be a fun surprise. You know, guess what it's made of and all of that!'

=AHAHAHHAHAHAH! A MYYYYSSSTERY SO MAGICAL AND MANIACAL!? OH, WHAT WONDERS LIE IN THE... Shoot! Sorry! SORRY! Kind of got a tick there... this'll be fun!=

+...Why are you smiling? You're smiling. Wide.+

"Who? Me?"

+Yes. You. You are smiling and it is scary.+

"Oh, no reaaaason..."

~Well, that's an uncomfortable feeling.~

>Oh, well, moot point anyway, I guess we're about to find out what Stargazy pie is made of, because-WHAT THE BROWNBUBBLES!?

'OH SWEET FAUST!'

~Two, sweetie, don't look!~

^AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!^

[Too late.]

{Oh, that is just... uuuggghhhhh...}

+WHO WOULD INVENT THIS!?+

"PFFTHAHAHAHAHAHHA!"

=What, is this funny? Should I be laughing?=

"Yes."

=Oh... AHAHAHHAHAHAHAA!=

="AHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAH"=

>NOT! FUNNY!

'SORRY! I'M SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW!'

~Server? If you would please take that away-good stallion. Off you go...~

>'~+[{^..............^}]+~'

>Anyone still hungry?

'~+[{^No.^}]+~'

>Didn't think so. Let's go drown our sorrows in ice cream and just forget this ever happened.

'~+[{^...Agreed.^}]+~'

'Sorry...'

>...Chrysalis? Where are you going?

"..."

>...Eat that pie and I will never let you come close to my face again in any capacity. You will be forced to sleep facing the other way from here on out, I swear it.

"DRAT!"

>...

"...I mean, I wasn't going to. Silly Shiny."
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>JJ
"Actarius"
'Random changelings'
~~~~

"Do you guys just do this every night?"

>Gonna have to be more specific.

"...That."

'HEYYYY! MAMBOOOO!'

'ARRIBA!'

'FIRST ONE TO GET PAST THE LIMBO GETS TO PICK THE NEXT SONG!'

'WWOOOOOOOO!'

>...Still not following.

"..."

>...OH! The dance? No, they pick different songs, obviously. Would get boring with just the one.

"You know, if it weren't for the fact you're jobless, confined to a place surrounded by ponies that don't like you, your species on the brink and unable to move forward in society, I'd say this was a pretty awesome place."

>...

"...But all of that is true, so partying every night seems more like a coping mechanism than anything."

>Uh... it's not, we just... do that.

"Oh..."

'And I play the maracas going chick chikka boom chick chikka boom!'

"...It looks like fun."

>Sorry they didn't invite you.

"If it makes you feel any better, I am at the exact amount of parties I was invited to as a guard as well."

>It, uh, doesn't.

"Well... I tried."

'ARRIBA!'
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>Idris
"Gwen"
~~~~~

>And just where are you going?

The Gryphon monarch paused in the door, looking back with a raised eyebrow at the crossed arms of her fellow royal.

"I have business I need to attend to."

>Rather well packed for 'business'.

Indeed, the pack she was carrying could only be called 'light' if one were to compare it to, say, a city stomping giant monster.

"It is the reason for the trip. The trip I am late for and need to leave for immediately."

>Then have a servant do it.

"I do not trust them with it."

His brow furrowed.

>Does this have anything to do with what occurred in that blasted flying amusement park?

She did not answer, only turning her back to him.

>...Hrmph. Well, if you must, go on. I shall watch over our kingdom, the place we are supposed to protect, on my own. Again.

She scoffed at him, and moved to leave.

>Will you be back for our son's birthday, or will you be missing another?

She froze, one claw on the door, the other gripping her bag just a bit tighter.

"...I will try to make it back in time."

>Suppose that's the best I could hope for. Have a safe-

She did not even let him finish before she left, seeming already in a massive hurry.

>-travel... damn.

He let out a tired, bitter sigh.

>...Was I too subtle with the book I got her last week? Do I need to go back in and make it so the whale is black, or should I just rename the damn thing and be done with it?

Knowing he could do nothing more if he tried, he left, off to go sit upon his throne and command his kingdom once again. As he should.

>Even when she's not here, that blasted monster is wrecking my home...
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