My Little Pony: History is Magic

>day books in Equestria
>you've been in this strange land a few months now
>you're trying to study the history of your new home, trying to get a grasp on the way things work in this society
>trying to figure out how this society came to be
>so of course you're spending a lot of time at the library, almost the entire day when you're not working
>you've become a fixture there, almost
>not literally, dammit
>you have started to annoy the librarian (adorable little Purplesmart) with your constant requests for more and more obscure historical material
>no Internet here, no standard inter-library loan system
>but she's good at her job, and you suppose being the personal protege of the Queen ("Princess," she corrects you) must help
>today's delivery is a huge book on the early history of Equestria
>on the cover it says VOLVMINE ANTIQVO
>then below that in smaller print LEGENDA DIEBVS ANTIQVIS
>leaving aside the question of why pones would speak Latin
>you think back to high school Latin classes think the title translates to something like "Ancient Scroll, Legends of Ancient Days"
>inside it is more of the same, fortunately with very, very old handwritten translators' notes in a separate bundle
>it's obviously very old, ancient even
>some kind of bound illuminated manuscript on vellum paper, perhaps
>it says it's about Equestria's founding
>and how the Queens ("Princesses!") ruled it before Luna was banished to the moon
>and
>say, what's this?

>it says that long long ago
>before the various pone kingdoms were unified
>before Discord turned to evil, whatever that means
>Celestia and Discord were lovers, if you're reading this correctly
>and
>holy shit, is this a centerfold?
>...
>yeah, it's a centerfold
>and you could really have lived without seeing that lovingly hand-painted picture of Celestia and Discord playing "Hide the Sausage"
>ew, seriously
>you wonder whether to ask Purplesmart about this
>for all of a quarter of a second
>nope.jpg
>but you really do want to know more about the early history of Equestria
>particularly clarification on the rule of the Pegasus Kings in the 10th Century
"Miss Sparkle, could I ask you to send a letter for me?  I'd like to arrange for an audience with the Queen."
>"Princess!"

>you've just arrived in Canterlot
>for an audience with the Q... Princess, you are wearing your best clothing
>you were overjoyed when Purplesmart read you the response to her letter
>you are ushered into a waiting room
>you know she is a head of state, and she's very busy
>you're really honored by her willingness to meet with you to speak for just a bit
>and you sit on the bench
>there are old copies of "Pones" magazine
>it appears to be about celebrities and celebrity gossip
>you flip through it for a few minutes but have no idea who any of them is
>finally you're summoned to a small side office
>you bow and greet Her Majesty
>she's tall
>you did not expect her to be this tall
>even without her horn she is the tallest pone you've ever seen, almost hoers sized
>and she has the most lovely eyes and voice
>even if she is, you suppose, a hoers
>she orders another pot of tea and smiles warmly
>you begin your pitch
"So, Your Majesty, as you know, I'm very interested in learning more about the history of Equestria."
>"I'm always happy to make time for a historian."
"And I'm currently interested in the period before 982 PE, but the source material I've found has made it difficult to determine what is history and what is legend."
>"The passage of time does blur that line.  What sources have you read?"
"Well, I've been reading Marelory and Ponyham, and also translations of Horserodotos."
>"Excellent choices."
"And I've also found an unattributed manuscript that mentions you specifically, and I'd like to ask whether you'd be willing to clarify certain things."
>"What's it called?"
"Volumine Antiquo, Legenda Diebus Antiqus."
>her eyes narrow dangerously, and her horn glows as she telekinetically slams the door
>what the hell?

>"Okay, what do you want, exactly?"
>all pretense of friendliness has been dropped now
>she actually looks angry
>no, wrong word.  Enraged.  That's the word.
"I, I, just"
>"Out with it.  You have the gall to come here under false pretenses and try something like this.  Tell me what you want."
"I'm a historian, I just wanted information--"
>"Is it money?  I can give you a note for the Royal Exchecquer."
"No, I just--"
>"Is it power?  Do you want me to make you a Peer of the Realm, something like that?"
"No, I--"
>the terrible, beautiful glare is too much for you.  You cannot speak.
>"TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT."
>you try to think of something, anything to calm the situation, and squeak out
"You're really beautiful when you're angry, you know"
>and avert your eyes
>there is dead silence
>you can hear a clock ticking loudly in the corner of the office
>you look back at her
>her eyes are bulging and her face has gone bone white and her voice is a hissing whisper
>"You dare."
"I--"
>"You dare to come here, to my home, to try to blackmail me."
"But--"
>"You used my student, whom I love as though she were my own daughter, to gain this audience with me."
"I--"
>"You came here under false pretenses.  You lied to Twilight Sparkle and you lied to me.  To extort something from me."
>"And since you don't appear to want money or power, I suppose you must want... something else."
>"Well played, Anonymous.  Would you like to do it here or in the royal bedroom?"

>she does not wait for your answer
>there is a flash of light and a momentary sensation of vertigo as she teleports the both of you to the royal bedchamber
>you don't know what the hell to say
>everything you've tried to say has made things worse
>she glares at you with pure hatred in her eyes
>her beautiful, beautiful violet eyes
>her horn glows and she picks you up with her ponykinesis
>and tosses you twenty feet to land on her bed with a pomf =3
"Wah!  Your Majesty, what are we gonna do on the bed?"
>you giggle nervously, you couldn't stop yourself from saying that
>"We don't have time for very much, but I assume you want this here and now."
"I just, I just--"
>"Well, get your bloody pants off!"
>she advances to loom over you menacingly
>then your pants are yanked off by her magic
>you crawl back and try to curl up in a ball
>"Don't you want it any more?  After all this time and effort, don't you want me?"
>she sounds angrier and angrier
>you throw a pillow at her
>"Or do you want to play hard to get?  Honestly, what's with you?  Is this normal for your species?"
>"Because I have a kingdom to run here.  The magical trains don't run on time by themselves, you know."

>you work your mouth, but nothing comes out
>"Honestly, what the Tartarus is the matter with you?  You don't even look aroused," she says, staring pointedly at your groin
"I,"
>you swallow
"I just wanted information about the relations between the pony kingdoms and the Griffin Empire in the era of Cheval IV."
>she blinks
"That's all, I swear, that's all!  I just wanted to ask you about some contradictions I saw in the material, about silver coinage and the taxes on the wheat trade in the late Tenth Century!"
>"But you mentioned 'Legends of Ancient Days.'"
"Yes, I did."
>"And you've read it, and you saw the..." she trails off and looks at you.
"Yes, but that wasn't, I mean, it.."
>"You aren't--"
"Not trying to blackmail you, no.  Not trying to rape you, no, I swear."
>"But that manuscript--"
"And I could have lived without seeing paintings of Discord's penis, but I'm concerned more with trade history and monetary policy."
>there is another long, awkward silence
>and you can hear her laughing
"I apologize, I had no desire to anger you, and did not mean to imply that I wanted anything improper."
>she is laughing harder and harder
"and, um.  Please don't rape me.  Can I put my pants back on now, Your Majesty?"
>"Aw, don't you date outside your species?" she asks, a mischievous twinkle in her eye

>you take a few seconds to choose your words carefully
"Honestly?  I am still getting used to being around other sentient species.  I still don't know what to think about all of this.  I'm throwing myself into an investigation of history just to distract myself, so I won't have to think about it.  In the world I came from, there were no other sentient species.  There were equines, but they, uh.  They didn't talk.  And they had beady little eyes on the opposite sides of their heads.  Domesticated animals, about as bright as dogs."
>"Aw."
"And, truthfully--to take your student as an example.  When she speaks, I hear the voice of an adult female of my species, and she has lovely eyes.  And the way she wears her mane reminds me of some pretty girls I knew once."
"But I have to bend at the waist to look her in the eye.  She weighs maybe a third of what I do.  She's very cute in a way that makes me feel protective, not sexual.  There is something about almost all the pones I see that makes me think of human children.  Small ones.  I can't think about them sexually.  It feels wrong somehow."
>"That makes sense, I suppose.  And me?"
>you swallow hard and stare at the floor
"You're beautiful.  It's an eerie, alien beauty.  A fey beauty.  I don't know how to process it.  I don't comprehend how it is that I can perceive you this way.  Feminine but not human, nor even humanoid.  You have lovely eyes, a lovely voice.  When you speak I can see in my mind's eye a human woman, tall and dignified and regal, with great beauty and great strength.  You have great charisma.  You're very charming."
>you pause

"It's very strange.  The aspects of your appearance that make you so distinct from the other, the other pones, make you both more resemble the equines of my world and more resemble a female of my species.  But you are also a goddess, a living goddess, and I can no more imagine touching you than I can imagine touching the sun."
>you look back at her; you cannot interpret the way she is looking at you
"And that's the truth."
>you put your pants back on
"And I swear I had no intent to offend or anger you.  I'm very, very sorry for the misunderstanding and I should not have mentioned that book."
>you bury your face in your hands
"And I've angered you, and wasted your time.  I am so, so sorry.  I swear it was not my intent."
>she is nuzzling your neck comfortingly
>and she gives you a charming little smile
>"I'm the one who overreacted.  Can we start over?  Please?"

>two days later you are back in Ponyville
>with multiple notebooks filled with copious and detailed notes about the reign of Cheval IV and economic policy
>with Twilight's help you will turn it into a manuscript and try to get it published as a scholarly work
>you idly scratch at the marks on your chest and back
>the enormous hickies the Princess left you with last night will take a while to heal and the bite marks may take longer still
>but you don't mind
>today was a historically significant day

OMAKE:

>she throws you onto the bed with a pomf =3
>"Get your pants off.  I don't have a lot of time for this."
"I don't understand.  When I came here I hardly expected to be molested by the Queen."
>"She's the Princess!" says a muffled voice from the closet
>a familiar voice
>you walk over and open the door
>it's Purplesmart with a video camera, apparently attempting to film the scene
>you look at her, back to the Princess, back to her
>the camera is now diamonds
>and you're on a horse
>today was an Old Spice day