FF6 Script Edits: GAME START ---> SOUTH FIGARO

I'm going through each scene comparing your translation to Slattery's using Mato's notes, along with the Slattery/Woolsey Compromise Patch at certain junctures. Also, please note that I'm only looking at Mato's stream highlights. Going over every line of dialogue would take far too much time and at that point, it wouldn't be Woolsey's script anymore.

PART 1A: NARSHE
"Biggs: There’s the city… Hard to believe an Esper’s been found intact there, a thousand years after the War of the Magi…"
-Nothing really WRONG with this line, although the Japanese (and Slattery's script) says the Esper was frozen, not just intact. I'm unsure what to do with this, but "preserved" would be a nice compromise between the two. Suggestion:
"Biggs: There’s the city… Hard to believe an Esper’s been found preserved there, a thousand years after the War of the Magi…"

"Old Man: Look, I have to get you out of here! I don’t have time to explain!"
-Missing a detail here that the GBA version adds back in, about how the guards won't listen to reason. Suggestion:
"Old Man: Look, there's no time to explain! I have to get you out of here! These fools won't listen to reason…"

"Kefka: Uwee, hee, hee! Good! Burn up everything!"
-Slattery's script sometimes plays up Kefka's mania more than on SNES. For example, he adds an extra "good" here, and instead of saying "burn everything", he says to "burn them all", as in people. Suggestion:
"Kefka: Uwee, hee, hee! Good, good! Burn up everyone and everything!"

"Old Man: Took you long enough! How goes the robbing and plundering trade?"
-In Japanese, the man asks him if he's rid himself of his thieving habits and gone legit yet. Neither official translation includes this. It could be alluded to and reworded as:
"Old Man: Took you long enough! Still in the robbing and plundering trade?"

"Locke: I PREFER the term treasure hunting!
Old Man: Ha! Like there’s a difference…
Locke: There’s a HUGE difference!"
-I would put quotes around "treasure hunting". Also, why remove the "semantic nonsense" line? Do you think it just flows better with Locke's following line? If so...I kinda agree. Keep it. Plus, in Japanese, Locke slowly exclaims "R O B B I N G ? !" letter by letter before his first line here, which is a cute detail neither translation includes. Not sure if that would require more work though. Suggestion:
"Locke: R O B B I N G ? ! I PREFER the term "treasure hunting"!
Old Man: Ha! Like there’s a difference…
Locke: There’s a HUGE difference!"

"Locke: ……!? You don’t mean?
Old Man: The city’s guards are pursuing her even as we speak. This city has the strength to stand up to the Empire but won’t use it. Even so, it’s not like it will join forces with an underground resistance movement, like the Returners. I tried to explain that the Empire enslaved the girl but they won’t listen!
Locke: All right…I think we’d better help getting her out of Narshe…
Old Man: Agreed. Take her to Figaro Castle, and talk to the king."
-Alright. So, you clearly did your homework and fixed the numerous glaring mistakes Woolsey made with this scene, but it could still be improved. First, there's slight grammar mistakes here and there. Second, it's missing a detail about why Narshe is hesitant to join the Returners: it's because the people prefer to remain neutral and independent in the war. It's also not as apparent that the Old Man and Locke are already members of the Returners. Also, the Old Man does nothing after this point, so "we'd better help her" isn't quite accurate. The Old Man called Locke there to ask him alone to help her. He also tells Locke to specifically go to Figaro Castle and talk to the King, but he would refer to it as just "Figaro" like the other NPCs do, and Locke being friends with a king is supposed to be a surprise when it happens. Suggestion:
"Locke: ……!? You don’t mean…?
Old Man: The city guards are pursuing her even as we speak. This city has the strength to stand up to the Empire, but won’t use it. The people are just too stubborn in their independence to join an underground resistance group like the Returners. I tried to explain that the Empire enslaved the girl, but they won’t listen!
Locke: All right…So you want me to get her out of Narshe?
Old Man: That's the idea. Take her and make your way to Figaro for the time being."

"Locke: Moogles…! Are you saying you want to help me?"
-Very minor nitpick, but the Moogles want to help him AND Terra. He even says later "we're in your debt". Suggestion:
"Locke: Moogles…! Are you saying you want to help?"

"This is a school for the adventurous beginner. Here we answer your questions about the world. Think of us as your advisors…"
-Some (albeit unimportant) details here are missing. Here's a suggestion with them added back in, with a bit more Woolsey flavor:
"This is a school for the adventurous beginner. Despite all our recent advances in technology, much of the outside world remains a mystery to us. So here, we answer your questions so you can brave its many dangers. Think of us as your advisors…"

"Relics give your party members a variety of abilities. For example… “Sprint Shoes” double your speed. “Knights Code” lets you shield others during battle. “Dragoon Boots” add the “Jump” command to your battle list. “Gauntlet” allows you to hold a sword with both hands. Use the Main Menu to equip up to 2 relics per person."
-Some of these descriptions are slightly misleading, while others don't properly explain what they do. Suggestion:
"Relics give your party members a variety of abilities. For example… “Sprint Shoes” double your walking speed. “Knights Code” lets you shield others during battle. “Dragoon Boots” allow you to perform jump attacks. “Gauntlet” allows you to hold a weapon with both hands for more damage. Use the Main Menu to equip up to 2 relics per person."


PART 1B: FIGARO
"Long ago, a force called “magic” existed. People who used magic were called “Mage Warriors.”
-Oh dear. I'm not sure if you knew this when writing, but the "Magi" mentioned in "War of the Magi" and "Mage Knights/Warriors" are one and the same. Slattery ties them both together in a way that works much better. Plus, they have their own village. "War of the Magi"..."Village of the Magi". It's good consistency. Also, not everyone who used magic was a warrior. Recommend changing ALL instances of "Mage Warriors" to "Magi". This line is also sloppily written in general. This is being said by a scholar, not a child. Suggestion:
"The ancients once wielded a force known as "magic." Those who mastered the art were called "Magi.""

"Though Edgar showers his attentions on women, most are too smart to pay any attention to him."
-The SNES version omits a line here saying Edgar loves ALL women, from old grannies to little girls. The former is funny, but the latter is...a bit disturbing. I'm not sure if you'd want to include it, but a child in the castle DOES mention Edgar saying he'd marry her when he got older. The GBA version rewords this line to be a little more PC. Also, this lady would not refer to her king as just "Edgar" like the High Priestess would. Suggestion:
"Our king showers his attentions on women. Young, old, pretty or plain…No one is safe! Most are too smart to pay any attention to him, though."

"High Priestess: Edgar has a twin brother. He was such a nice boy, always thinking of his family…"
-Very minor nitpick, but the "you know" the GBA version adds gives more of a "sweet old lady" vibe:
"High Priestess: Edgar has a twin brother, you know. He was such a nice boy, always thinking of his family…"

"The Empire has smashed the three cities on the southern continent. Just a matter of time ’til they come up here…"
-Three nations, not three cities. That's more threatening. Plus it's a bit inaccurate to say they've "smashed" them. The nations aren't destroyed, just under new management.
"The Empire has already overthrown the three nations on the southern continent. Just a matter of time ’til they come up here…"

"Edgar: What brings Kefka, loyal servant of Emperor Gestahl, to my humble castle?
Kefka: A girl of no importance recently escaped from us. We heard she found refuge here…"
-The original specifies that Kefka is a mage, which is special in the world of FF6, so that's important info:
"Edgar: What brings Kefka, loyal court mage of Emperor Gestahl, to my humble castle?
Kefka: A girl of no importance recently escaped from us. We heard she found refuge here…"

"This cave leads to South Figaro. It’s closed now due to construction."
-Why would a cave be under construction? The GBA version fixes this:
"This cave leads to South Figaro. I'm afraid I can't let you through, though."

"Beyond is the Figaro Castle Engine Room. We’re ready to leave at a moment’s notice!"
-Incorrect. The engines are under maintenance so that eventually, they CAN leave immediately in case of danger. Also, this man speaks in an Osaka dialect, which is the equivalent to the American South in most translations, so "beyond is" seems a bit off. Suggestion:
"Down those stairs is the Figaro Castle Engine Room. The engines are under maintenance right now, just in case we need to skedaddle!"

"Stay clear of the engine room. It’s dangerous."
-Redundant with the previous line. If the player does this first, they're compelled to talk to him for explanation if you leave out the "engine room" part. Plus, add some Southern flare:
"Woah there, bud! That's dangerous!"

"Edgar: I’d love to chat with you, but the Chancellor and I must plan our strategy. It’s hard being a king sometimes! If you’ll excuse me."
-In Japanese, Edgar says he's going to talk with multiple people, not just one. I also like the GBA wording better, since it has a bit of Woolseyism to it:
"Edgar: I’d love to stay and chat, but my advisors and I must plan our strategy. Being a king's not all tea and crumpets. If you’ll excuse me…"

"Kefka: Ackk! So, the brave and noble king flees, leaving his people behind! How utterly delightful! Hee-hee-hee!"
-I can see you tried to compromise here, but the exclamation at the start doesn't make much sense if he's being sarcastic and Slattery's version is more Kefka-esque. I recommend reverting completely to the GBA line:
"Kefka: Oh, my! The brave and noble king abandons his people to save his own skin! How utterly delightful! Hee-hee-hee!"

"Chancellor: No one can touch the people of Figaro!"
-The original Japanese line is very flowery, talking about diving into a great golden ocean and how Figaro has a gallant appearance. The translations are a bit plain in comparison. It could be rewritten to be a little more epic:
"Chancellor: Come! Witness the gallant glory of Figaro, as we dive into the golden ocean below!"

"Kefka: Go! KILL THEM!"
-Minor nitpick, but maybe add more exclamation marks?:
"Kefka: Go! KILL THEM!!!"

"Kefka: Son of a submariner! They’ll pay for this…"
-Kefka is threatening them, not talking to himself:
"Kefka: Son of a submariner! You'll pay for this!"

"Edgar: Terra has magical powers. That Esper seemed to…react to her. Can there be some connection?
Terra: I haven’t the foggiest! It just seems natural to me that I have the use of this power…"
-Terra's line is written a little sloppily. Suggest a compromise with the GBA version here:
"Edgar: Terra has magical powers. That Esper seemed to…react to her. Can there be some connection?
Terra: I don't have a clue! These powers just come naturally to me…"

"Soldier: King Edgar! Where are you headed?
Edgar: Through the cave, and eastward to South Figaro.
Edgar: Return to the castle, and tell the others we’re safe.
Soldier: Yes, your majesty! Take care!"
-There's a missing detail here that helps guide the player along: Edgar mentions that they'll turn north past Figaro and make for the Returner headquarters. A soldier would refer to his king as "sire", not "your majesty". Suggestion:
"Soldier: King Edgar! Where are you headed, sire?
Edgar: Through the cave, and eastward to South Figaro. We'll then make for the Returners hideout in the north.
Edgar: Return to the castle and pass the word along.
Soldier: Understood, sire! Take care!"