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Rika's Route Act 2: Balance

Mar 14th, 2012
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  1. Scene 1: Stalkers
  2.  
  3. As I’m leaving from my last afternoon class, I notice Rika just outside the gates, by the bus stop. Leaning against the wall with her legs crossed at the ankles, one arm around her waist, the other holding a cigarette at eye level. Her braided, silver ponytail is flung oddly over her shoulder and laying between her breasts. Nurse has cautioned us on numerous occasions about the dangers of smoking, but there she is, puffing her life away. She takes a deep drag on her cigarette and closes her eyes. For the first time since coming to Yamaku, I’m reminded of a group of girls from my old school who used to smoke by the school dumpsters at lunch. The word “bitchy” comes to mind. Though she looks the part in her current pose, I’ve never really thought of her that way. She just seems a bit lonely. Maybe this is how “bitchy” girls are when they’re not surrounded by their ilk? Like a lone wolf without a pack. Or maybe I’m just unfairly categorizing her having just now discovered her smoking habit. The thought makes me realize just how friendly most of the people at this school are. Rika sure does seem unfriendly, and I would have dismissed her as such had I never met her, but she’s always been rather kind to me, even if her manner of speaking can be a bit curt. On the other hand, nobody in the school’s social circle seems at all interested in reaching out to her the way they’ve been reaching out to me. Maybe there’s some history I’m not aware of.
  4.  
  5. It’s been about a month since I first met her in Nurse’s office. Rika and I had had appointments bookended occasionally and I’d seen her leaving when I was arriving. It turns out that she suffers from a heart defect as well, and there’s a great deal of overlap in our treatment plans. We have some medications in common. She even has her own “Emi,” a nurse-appointed ward of her physical exercise regimen – Miki, room 3-3's own track star. Nurse made a point of introducing me and Rika one day when her own appointment was running a bit late, and since then we’ve started to overlap a portion of our Nurse visits. A lot of his counsel is the same for both of us, so it seems a sensible way for him to save a bit of time. Nurse is nothing if not crafty, though, and I could never shake the suspicion that there was some ulterior motive in the whole thing. A “buddy system,” maybe, to hold us mutually accountable in the hopes that it’s good for our respective well-being. Or maybe he just thought we’d be good company for one another, in a more basic sense.
  6.  
  7. And then there was the festival…
  8.  
  9. “Can I ask you something, Hisao?”
  10.  
  11. I’m caught entirely off guard by the fact that she is aware of my presence. Has she been looking at me? I hope in vain that I haven't been staring.
  12.  
  13. She seems pleased by my surprise and leers at me with a mysterious glint in her crimson eyes, and a neutral, Mona Lisa smile. She’s mentioned to me before that her red eyes and white hair are the result of a pigment deficiency, and that she’s “nothing to be afraid of.” The phrase has since had the opposite of the intended effect. Then again, maybe it was intended. She certainly fancies herself something of an enigma.
  14.  
  15. She sighs impatiently at my lack of response, exhaling a long stream of smoke. “I was just wondering. Can you feel your own heartbeat?”
  16.  
  17. I’m a bit taken aback. “I don’t know what you mean.”
  18.  
  19. She adjusts her position against the wall and knocks some ash off her cigarette.
  20.  
  21. “I’ve asked people before, and Nurse, too. Most people only feel their heart beating when something is out of the ordinary. When they’re afraid, or excited, or they’ve been running. But most people never think about their hearts. They don’t have to.”
  22.  
  23. “I don’t know how to answer that, Rika. I’ve only ever had the same heart, so I’ve got no frame of reference here.”
  24.  
  25. “But you do feel it beating, all the time? And you have to try not to notice?”
  26.  
  27. “I guess you could put it that way.”
  28.  
  29. She finishes her cigarette and flicks the butt on the ground.
  30.  
  31. “Sorry if that was a weird question. I was just thinking about something Nurse told me once about heart palpitations. When normal people feel their heart beating, they’re terrified. They spend most of their time not knowing their heart is even there. But I feel every beat. You do too, don’t you? Even before coming to Yamaku, before you knew what was wrong.”
  32.  
  33. It feels a little strange that Rika is opening up to me like this. We’ve only known each other for about a month, and even though we may have spent time together at the festival, we're hardly what you'd call a couple, or even very good friends, for that matter. I’ve heard from other people that she isn’t typically assertive when it comes to making friends. She seems to think that there’s something different about me, though. I must admit I feel the same way about her. I’ve had a hard time relating to a lot of the people here, with how obvious their disabilities are. It’s funny how crippling ours are by comparison, how much more debilitating, how hidden. I put my hands in my pockets and lean up against the wall beside Rika, closing a bit of the distance between us. She stinks of cigarette smoke, and the smell is enough to make me cough.
  34.  
  35. “I guess it just seems pretty normal to me,” I say in response to her question. “I always took it for granted before my first heart attack that what I felt was normal. Once I went on the medications I started feeling healthier than I’ve ever felt. But yeah, I still feel it. Now that you mention it, I feel every beat. I... kind of wish you hadn’t pointed it out to me.”
  36.  
  37. She grins at this. There’s something sadistic about her expression as I talk. She seems to be in one of her darker moods right now, though I’ve already grown accustomed to this side of her and know better than to think anything’s amiss. I can tell she’s being playfully morbid so I decide to push the envelope a little bit.
  38.  
  39. “Have you ever seen the word ‘Death’ flash before your eyes, in big, red letters?” I ask.
  40.  
  41. She raises her eyebrows at me, looking a little impressed. “I guess you know where I’m going with this. Do you think that’s such a bad thing, though? Living in the company of death? Isn’t that why people go on roller coaster rides, or go bungee jumping? People crave death, Hisao. It’s human nature. If you think of it that way, we’re the lucky ones. Every day is a thrill ride.”
  42.  
  43. For the first time since meeting her, I find myself thinking about how lonely Rika must be. Her perfect frankness belies a feeling of intimacy that ought to take months of friendship to cultivate, but here we are, two casual acquaintances, discussing human mortality like a couple of bearded philosophers. She talks like she’s reading out of a book. It almost sounds rehearsed. Has she had this conversation before? Could this be why people avoid talking to her? The subject of “death” can stir up a lot of strong emotions in a place like Yamaku. It ought to with her, and with me, too. And yet the two of us are chatting about it as candidly as ordinary folk might discuss the weather.
  44.  
  45. Before I can reply, she spots the city bus as it’s approaching.
  46.  
  47. “Headed into town?” I ask.
  48.  
  49. She gives me a sidelong glance and shrugs.
  50.  
  51. “Sometimes I like to go see a movie after school. It helps keep my stress down.”
  52.  
  53. So she likes to go to the movies alone. I’d be surprised to hear it from anyone but Rika.
  54.  
  55. “In that case, would you care for some company?”
  56.  
  57. The bus pulls up and opens its door before she can answer. Rika gives me a coy grin.
  58.  
  59. “Asking me on a date when I don’t even have time to refuse?” She takes my hand for the second time since the festival and gives a girlish wink before dragging me onto the bus with her.
  60.  
  61. “You’re a better stalker than Death himself, Mr. Nakai.”
  62.  
  63.  
  64.  
  65. Scene 2: Demons
  66.  
  67. We disembark from the bus deep in the city's commercial district. Rika takes my arm and I follow her lead. It feels refreshing being in the city for a change, after being walled up at Yamaku for so long. Brings back memories of the old days. And it doesn't hurt having a cute girl on my arm. We probably look like a couple of delinquents, walking around downtown in our school uniforms.
  68.  
  69. We arrive at a rather out-of-the-way cinema. The matinee is a double feature, two Japanese horror films from two or three of years ago. I don't care for horror films, but I find it a little amusing how neatly they fit Rika's personality. Rika takes point and buys our tickets for us, and as I try to object it occurs to me that I didn't bring my wallet. Strangely enough, despite our outfits, the cashier doesn't check either of us for identification. I wonder if it's because she comes here often?
  70.  
  71. We enter the theater, which is relatively small and surprisingly crowded, though the seats and the decor all look brand new and upscale relative to the cheap ticket price. The people in the audience are mostly couples in their 20s, with a few groups of friends. I'm pretty sure we're the only high school students here.
  72.  
  73. "Do you mind if we sit in the front?" she asks in her rhetorical style, giving me no time to object. We take our seats and I'm impressed with how roomy and comfortable they are.
  74.  
  75. "I should have figured you'd be into horror movies," I say to her, and she smirks.
  76.  
  77. "I like a good scare. It's good for the soul."
  78.  
  79. "Bad for the heart, though."
  80.  
  81. "I'm not a slave to my body, Hisao," she says emphatically.
  82.  
  83. The "coming attractions" appear on screen. They're all for movies that were released before I came to Yamaku. A few of them I remember seeing with my old group of friends. The thought saddens me a bit.
  84.  
  85. I glance at Rika. She's resting her head impatiently on her left fist, leaning away from me, her legs crossed, her long white braid hanging over her shoulder. Her pale skin looks eerie and luminous in the otherwise dark theater. Her bright red eyes are unblinking, staring at the screen, a strange mixture of enthusiasm and boredom.
  86.  
  87. The feature comes on. It's a film I saw when it came out, a jumpy shock-horror film about demonic possession. Even though I've seen it before, I easily lose myself in the rhythms of shocks and gasps emitted from my fellow moviegoers. About an hour into the film, Rika suddenly clasps my arm, almost causing me to jump out of my seat.
  88.  
  89. "Be careful," I hiss at her, "You're going to give me a heart attack."
  90.  
  91. In the low lighting I can faintly discern a strange expression on her face, one I've never seen before. Her eyes are half closed. I notice that her hand is trembling. She wordlessly puts my hand on her chest.
  92.  
  93. I feel her heart thudding rapidly. She gazes at me intently, her lower lip quivering, but with a strange semblance of calm.
  94.  
  95. The intimacy makes me lose track of the film, before our attention is broken by a blood-curdling scream. Our eyes widen and we sustain eye contact.
  96.  
  97. "Hisao..."
  98.  
  99. She clutches my wrist and speedily moves my hand down to her thigh. She is heaving desperately for air. I am terrified but can't rouse myself from her spell. What is she doing? My heart churns. My loins stir. I'm terrified.
  100.  
  101. She inhales sharply and moves my hand up beneath her skirt, placing it on her smooth, soft thigh. I caress her with my fingertips and her eyes widen even more.
  102.  
  103. "Don't stop," she says.
  104.  
  105. "Are you sure?"
  106.  
  107. Her brilliant red eyes gape at me. Her mouth hangs open. I move my hand up her thigh and she shudders in what I can only hope is ecstasy. I'm at a loss for words. But the intimacy between us is undeniable. Everything that's racing through her mind, the urgency of the blood pulsing through her body, our mutual fear of the unknown. I'm afraid. She looks afraid, too. More frightened than I've ever seen her. Her complexion reddens. She looks so... alive.
  108.  
  109. She squeezes my hand between her thighs. I caress the groove between her legs. Her body goes rigid as she emits a stuttering gasp, in no way undiscernable from the gasps coming from the moviegoers around her. As for me, I feel as though I've been holding my breath for an hour. I maneuver my hand deeper between her thighs and discover a moist spot on the front of her underwear.
  110.  
  111. Just what is going on?
  112.  
  113. Another movie scream fills the air. Rika reaches up and clutches her chest worryingly. Her thighs squeeze my hand. I hear a third scream, and a fourth. One of them is hers.
  114.  
  115. She clenches her eyes shut and her legs goes limp. My own heartbeat starts to diminish as I see that whatever demon has taken hold of her is now gone.
  116.  
  117. She's breathing. She's breathing. It's okay.
  118.  
  119. I start to breathe, too. She strokes my arm reassuringly and narrows her eyes. One deep breath.
  120.  
  121. We watch the rest of the movie in relative serenity. Nothing in the movie fazes either of us any longer. The scary part is over. We're alright. But a thousand questions are racing through my mind. I can't remember the last time I've been so afraid, so filled with adrenaline.
  122.  
  123. I feel her warm breath on my ear as she cryptically whispers something to me.
  124.  
  125. "Thank you for being here."
  126.  
  127.  
  128.  
  129. Scene 3: Labels
  130.  
  131. One of the nice things about being heavily medicated is the side effects. Sometimes when I have trouble sleeping I read the labels on my pill bottles – which is no small undertaking – trying to find one that lists “drowsiness.” Then the morning after when I’m groggy from lack of sleep, I like to see if I can find “wakefulness,” or “euphoria.”
  132.  
  133. Or maybe “amnesia.”
  134.  
  135. In the small hours of the morning, I turn one bottle over in my hand. “Drowsiness” again. Maybe I can go light on the “drowsiness” ones today?
  136.  
  137. In one of my first appointments together with Rika at Nurse’s office, I asked Nurse a few questions about my meds. I made a point of asking while Rika was around so I could get a user’s perspective. She only had one thing to say. “Keep the side effects in mind.” Nurse clearly wasn’t happy about that remark, but he chose not to say anything. I’m starting to understand what Rika was talking about, and why Nurse disapproved.
  138.  
  139. I’m too tired to stare death in the face, though. I decide to take the safe route and put my faith in my medicine. I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that I don’t fall asleep in Mutou’s science class. Shiina and Miki would never let me hear the end of it.
  140.  
  141. My curtains are doing a bad job of keeping the morning light out. I may not have slept but at least I had my eyes closed for a while.
  142.  
  143. Before my alarm goes off, my phone rings. I don’t even have to check the call display.
  144.  
  145. “Emi, I’m not coming this morning,” I say decisively.
  146.  
  147. “Every day you sleep in is a year off your life, Hisao.”
  148.  
  149. “Can you just cut me a break today? I didn’t sleep well.”
  150.  
  151. “You think I did? I stayed up all night worried about what Nurse would do to me when he finds out I’ve been letting you slack off. And besides, nothing wakes you up like a morning jog. It’s not like there’s anything else to do if you’re not sleeping, right? Come on, please?” She draws out the last syllable.
  152.  
  153. “Emi, you know I can’t see you making that face over the phone, right?”
  154.  
  155. “Hah! That just proves you CAN see it! You can’t escape me, Hisao! This face of mine is going to haunt you every morning starting at 7:00 AM sharp. Awake or asleep. For the rest. Of. Your. Life. And mark my words: that’s going to be a long time. Now get your marshmallow butt out here.”
  156.  
  157. She hangs up. I can’t help being a bit cheered up by her antics. She’s got a real talent for hounding me without getting on my nerves. And I suppose it might be a good substitute for a night’s sleep.
  158.  
  159. Emi ends up being right. I head out to the field and find her mid-sprint. She’s not about to wait for me to get started, after all. After a few warm-up stretches I join her, and she gives me that cheerful smile of hers that’s come to be the highlight of my mornings. Either the running or the good company makes me feel a lot more positive.
  160.  
  161. After a few laps I retire to the bench and just watch her sprinting for a while. Of all the tales of inspiration that come out of Yamaku, I always think hers is the most likely to end up as one of those made for TV movies.
  162.  
  163. She eases off from a final sprint and jogs over to the bleachers. I hand her a towel and let her take a swig from my water bottle. I’m still catching my breath but she’s not even winded, and takes a seat beside me.
  164.  
  165. “So did you and Rika have fun on your date?”
  166.  
  167. That’s really not the conversation topic I was hoping for. She takes my silence as a confirmation and breaks into a conspiratorial giggle.
  168.  
  169. I feign good humour. “I guess word spreads fast in the girl’s dorm, huh?”
  170.  
  171. “Nope! I have insider info. I got a text from Miki betting me that you’d try to bail on me this morning. Rika didn’t show up to her run last night and Miki has a theory about you guys.”
  172.  
  173. That doesn’t bode well. Miki is the grapevine incarnate. Suddenly the prospect of falling asleep in class seems even more terrifying. Maybe I should try to get a sick note.
  174.  
  175. “Are you blushing?” Emi says tauntingly.
  176.  
  177. “No, I’m just a bit heartbroken that your morning pep talk was coloured by an ulterior motive.”
  178.  
  179. “I don’t lose bets, Hisao. I find loopholes.” She nudges my shin with her prosthetic leg. I guess she has a point.
  180.  
  181. “Well, gossip girl, since you’re so interested, we just went downtown and saw a couple of movies after class. Why, are you jealous?”
  182.  
  183. She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Oh PLEASE! I don't date couch potatoes. I just need to make sure your girlfriend isn't screwing with your priorities. Health comes first, Hisao."
  184.  
  185. Girlfriend? Is that what Miki’s been telling people? I find myself wondering what kinds of conversations Rika and Miki have after their evening runs. Rika hardly said anything to me on the bus ride home from the cinema last night. She was even more quiet and aloof than usual. She held my hand. She said “Goodnight” before we went our separate ways. At what point did things become official between us? Did she tell people what happened in the theater? Does she think of me as her “boyfriend” now? Is that why she was so… forceful with me last night?
  186.  
  187. I turn my thoughts once more to Emi who is again giving me that pleading puppy-dog look of hers. I can't help wondering whether she actually is a little jealous. We've joked around about our relationship before but I've never really thought of her as more than just a pal. I know her concern for me is genuine, even if she doesn’t always agree with me, and I hope my relationship with Rika doesn't come between us.
  188.  
  189. “Emi, you’re the best Mom a guy could ask for.”
  190.  
  191. She crinkles her nose at me and punches me in the shoulder, then springs to her proverbial feet.
  192.  
  193. “And you’re the smelliest kid a woman could have. Hit the showers, loverboy.”
  194.  
  195. She dashes off for another run. It’s shaping up to be an interesting day. Hopefully interesting enough to keep my eyes open.
  196.  
  197.  
  198.  
  199.  
  200. Scene 4: Symptoms
  201.  
  202. At my old high school, when you wanted to miss a day of school, you just stayed in bed. I don’t need to be told that the same thing won’t be true at Yamaku. I haven’t missed a day of class since transferring here, but if I didn’t get out of bed and come to my classes I figure I’d be woken by the sound of paramedics breaking down my door.
  203.  
  204. The burst of energy I got from my morning run with Emi fizzles out before I reach the school, and I don’t even bother heading up to 3-3. 15 minutes before classes start, I’m sitting in Nurse’s office on his examination table.
  205.  
  206. “You’re not feeling well? How so?”
  207.  
  208. “I don’t know,” I mumble.
  209.  
  210. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that if I’m going to let you leave without recommending a hospital stay. What are your symptoms?”
  211.  
  212. I suppose it’s not fair to worry him.
  213.  
  214. “I didn’t get any sleep last night and I thought a little exercise this morning would be enough to get me through the day. Turns out I was wrong. I don’t think I can stay awake during class, so I wanted to just head home and sleep.”
  215.  
  216. “Hmm, insomnia.” He jots something down. “You’ve been taking your medications?”
  217.  
  218. “Yeah, every day.”
  219.  
  220. “Before bed, or in the morning?”
  221.  
  222. “Every morning like you suggested.”
  223.  
  224. “You’ve been missing your morning workouts, too, I’m aware. Is that because you’re having trouble sleeping?”
  225.  
  226. “No, this is the first time.”
  227.  
  228. He puts his pen and pad on his desk and sighs.
  229.  
  230. “I don’t think you’re telling me the whole story here, Hisao. I wasn't always the dashing paragon of maturity that I am today. I was a kid like you, once. Now listen, Hisao... I can’t control the choices you make, but it’s my duty as your school nurse to make sure you’re smart about it.”
  231.  
  232. He opens up a drawer and produces a couple of pamphlets, and what I recognize as a small pack of condoms.
  233.  
  234. “Trojan Juniors. I had to special order those for you on the internet. The school only carries them in grown up sizes.”
  235.  
  236. Funny guy. I look at the pamphlet. “Golden Love: Healthy Sex for Virile Seniors.” Really, Nurse?
  237.  
  238. “I picked up a few of those at the hospital last time I was in town. They don’t have one for teenagers with heart conditions, but everything in there applies to you.”
  239.  
  240. I pretend not to notice that he’s given me two of the pamphlets, and I quickly stuff the whole care package into my backpack. It’s probably too late for me to act shocked. I don’t know if I’d have the energy for it either way. He puts his hand on my shoulder.
  241.  
  242. “Go home and get some sleep, kid. In your own bed. I’ll notify your teacher of your absence.”
  243.  
  244. I step out of Nurse’s office and close the door behind me.
  245.  
  246. Rika’s crimson eyes seize me instantly. She’s leaning up against the wall directly across from me with her arms crossed. I’m surprised to see she’s not in her school uniform. Instead she’s wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a fitted, silver pull-over hoodie, with the hood up.
  247.  
  248. She grins at her craftiness in getting the jump on me.
  249.  
  250. “Taking the day off?” she asks me.
  251.  
  252. “What gave me away?”
  253.  
  254. “Just a guess. I couldn’t get any sleep at all last night. Too much excitement. I just came here to let Nurse know that I’m taking a personal day.”
  255.  
  256. No wonder Nurse was jumping to conclusions.
  257.  
  258. Rika pulls back her hood and extracts her long silver braid, letting it hang down. She must have tucked it into her sweater to improve her chances of sneaking up on me. The two of us start walking towards the exit.
  259.  
  260. “Any reason you decided to wear your school uniform just to come pick up your doctor’s note?” she asks.
  261.  
  262. “Just a habit, I guess. Any reason you’re dressed like a drug dealer?”
  263.  
  264. She shrugs. “Maybe I’m pushing pills.”
  265.  
  266. “I could use some of those. Drowsiness?”
  267.  
  268. “Difficulty sleeping," she says flatly. "Bleeding ulcers. Shortness of breath. Loss of life.”
  269.  
  270. “In the event of sudden death, discontinue use.”
  271.  
  272. She cracks an incredulous smile. "You're making that one up."
  273.  
  274. "Maybe."
  275.  
  276. It's nice to see her smiling without cynicism for a change. It’s the same peaceful smile from last night. I wish I could tell her how beautiful she looks right now, but I’m sure that would just agitate her. Rika seems like the sort of person who likes to have control over the way people perceive her. These fleeting moments of authenticity are just going to have to be my secret.
  277.  
  278. “I don’t think I can go to sleep right away,” she says. “Want to come over and watch some daytime TV?”
  279.  
  280. The girls’ dorm? Is that even allowed? Not that it would stop her, I guess.
  281.  
  282. “Yeah, sure, let’s do that. No scary movies though.”
  283.  
  284. She takes my hand and looks right at me with a happy glint in her tired, cloudy eyes.
  285.  
  286. On second thought, maybe I’m wrong about that smile. Maybe she knows exactly what she’s doing to me.
  287.  
  288.  
  289.  
  290.  
  291. Scene 5: Programs
  292.  
  293. Daytime television is something I hope I never learn to enjoy. Rika stares at the TV in a daze, sprawled on the couch with her head on my lap, as we spend time together in the middle of the girls’ dorm lounge. I can’t tell whether she’s really following any of what’s going on, or whether we’re both just being silent. We got here just in time to catch the end of the morning news, and are watching one of those tacky soap operas that are the hobby of bored housewives across the nation. I’ve heard that Japan is infamous in the world for its television and I don’t normally enjoy watching it myself, especially ever since I took up my reading hobby in the hospital.
  294.  
  295. Rika takes hold of my arm, which I realize I’ve been resting on her as she reclines on me. Her slender body feels almost weightless against me, though the way she's sprawled out draws my eyes to her long, shapely legs. The sweater and jeans combination accentuate her shapeliness in a way that I hadn't noticed seeing her in her school uniform. This level of intimacy would be comforting if I weren’t still so uneasy about her company. I close my eyes restfully and try to clear my mind of the day’s events, my torment at the hands of Emi, the awkward appointment with Nurse… and it leaves me only with the memory of what happened last night.
  296.  
  297. She starts to laugh, and I open my eyes and look at the TV. One of the characters on the program is a little boy with a wooden leg. Of course, it’s just a stage trick. They couldn’t be bothered to find an actor who is actually missing a leg. The prop leg looks hilariously tacky and nothing at all like a real prosthetic. The boy hobbles around while sad music plays.
  298.  
  299. “The music is how you know you’re supposed to feel bad for the little katawa,” Rika says. “In case we couldn’t figure it out.”
  300.  
  301. I try to disregard her vulgarity. “I think I’ve seen this show before,” I say. “The writers must think amputees spend every moment of their lives being pitied.”
  302.  
  303. “People love to feel pity. It’s human nature. It’s the same reason media likes to go to the Yamaku track events.”
  304.  
  305. Her negativity is oppressive and it makes me even more tired. There isn’t a hint of malice in her voice, either. Just her usual inoffensive, thoughtful demeanor. I’m surprised she talks so openly in the public lounge like this. Either she’s absolutely certain there’s no fear of anyone hearing her, or she doesn’t care. Maybe this is how all the girls at this school talk to each other when they’re just hanging out, not trying to impress each other. Not like I’d know. Nobody here really seems as comfortable with me as Rika does. I decide to change the tone of our conversation, mostly for my own sake.
  306.  
  307. “Well, it’s not all like that, I’m sure. I think a lot of people are really inspired by the stuff that goes on at the track meet. I know I am.”
  308.  
  309. She looks away from the TV and into my eyes. They’re bloodshot from fatigue, half-closed. Her irises look like starfish.
  310.  
  311. “Do you admire Emi?” she asks me softly.
  312.  
  313. “Well, everyone admires Emi, right? She’s remarkable.”
  314.  
  315. Rika sighs and looks at the TV again. “I think if you admire someone, it means you wish you were more like they are. I’m not going to deny that people get emotional watching Emi run. I’ve been to the track meetings with Miki before, and I’ve seen people crying. People who don’t even know her. But I don’t think they’re crying out of admiration.”
  316.  
  317. “Don’t you think they want to be strong, and face their fears like she does?”
  318.  
  319. “People aren’t strong because they want to be. Emi never asked to lose her legs. It’s not admiration. It’s pity. The thing Emi wants most in the world is to just be a normal girl again.”
  320.  
  321. It’s not easy to tell whether Rika’s speculating, or basing her opinions on her own knowledge of Emi. Before today the two had never even really mentioned each other. Now I’m suddenly getting the impression that there’s bad blood between them.
  322.  
  323. “Rika, you know Emi is my best friend, right? If we’re going to…” I run out of words here. Be together? Date? Do whatever it is we’re doing?
  324.  
  325. “Didn’t Emi tell you that we used to be running partners?” she says.
  326.  
  327. She reads the answer on my face.
  328.  
  329. “Well, I have nothing against her, Hisao. We just don’t really get along. Nurse put her in charge of my health, and she was always… well, I don’t have to tell you what she’s like.”
  330.  
  331. I don’t need much more of an explanation. I can’t see Rika’s strange outlook on life being at all compatible with Emi’s stubborn optimism.
  332.  
  333. Rika goes on. “I guess what really pushed me over the edge with Emi was the socks.”
  334.  
  335. “What, you mean the striped knee-highs she wears over her prosthetics?”
  336.  
  337. Rika toys with her braid idly while she talks. “She didn’t used to wear anything over her prosthetics. But when I saw her wearing those socks for the first time, I thought of what was going through her head when she put them on. I wonder if she looks in the mirror and sees the person she was before she lost her legs. That the goal of all her hard work is to undo all of the bad things that have ever happened to her and go back to being the person she was before. Is that what Yamaku means when they call her an inspiration? That she’s learning to pretend she’s just like anyone else? And that's all part of the program here. We celebrate everyone to the extent that they reach parity with what's normal.”
  338.  
  339. She pauses for me to answer, looking at me expectantly, but I’m at a loss for words, so she just continues talking.
  340.  
  341. “I’ll give you another example. Do you know Hanako? The girl with the facial scars.”
  342.  
  343. “Yes, she’s in my class, actually. I’ve never really talked to her all that much. She’s pretty timid.”
  344.  
  345. She snuggles up to me a bit more and closes her eyes. “Would you believe that she used to be worse? I don’t know what happened to her in her middle school. I can only imagine. But when she came here, she obsessively hid herself from everyone.“
  346.  
  347. Rika puts her hand up over the right side of her face, eyes still closed. “She walked around like this for a year.”
  348.  
  349. “Yeah, she still does that sometimes.”
  350.  
  351. “But not nearly like she used to. You don’t realize, Hisao. Every day, she’s a little bit stronger. A little bit more comfortable with who she is. And she’s weak, Hisao. It takes so much out of her to do the things that she does. Have you ever spoken to her?”
  352.  
  353. “Just a couple of times. We had a chat about books in the library once. Even talking to me took a lot out of her.”
  354.  
  355. “That’s what I mean. Every time I look at her, I see effort. She’s always afraid. And that’s why she’s the student I admire most.”
  356.  
  357. “But isn’t that parity, too? Just wanting to be like anyone else?”
  358.  
  359. “It’s different, Hisao. When I think of how she’ll be ten years from now, I imagine an uncompromising, strong woman who makes the world choose to accept her or reject her. And wherever she’s accepted, she’ll know it’s because of who she is, not who she pretends to be.”
  360.  
  361. I’ve never really thought of Hanako as a “strong” person before, but I suppose Rika has a point.
  362.  
  363. “Have you ever told her about how you feel?” I ask.
  364.  
  365. “No. Her teachers and her counselors tell her how brave she is all the time, and they don’t mean the same thing I do. I doubt my meaning would really penetrate the din of empty praise she gets on a daily basis.”
  366.  
  367. She yawns as she finishes her sentence and closes her eyes, starting to doze off with a peaceful sigh. Her choice of words strikes me as rather profound, especially for someone half-asleep. Come to think of it, there really are a lot of dins at Yamaku. It’s hard to see what’s really going on with anyone. People are bashful about their problems, because everyone here has a story to tell, and nobody wants to draw the spotlight onto themselves. Like an emotional white noise, you can’t hear anything over the sound of everything all at once.
  368.  
  369. Rika’s sleeping now, her head and her left hand resting on my lap. Still busy with the thought of everything she’s said, I can’t sleep, so I just watch her face as she drifts deeper, her eyelashes twitching, her mouth opening ever so slightly. Who was it that asked me a while ago whether or not I like to watch girls sleeping?
  370.  
  371.  
  372.  
  373. Scene 6: Fears
  374.  
  375. It’s 3 in the morning, and I’ve found what I think might be the best of all possible study hours. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired at this hour. I woke up at 7:00 PM in the lounge of the girl’s dorm, in the company of Shiina and Shizune who apparently thought it best not to rouse me and evict me for trespassing. Shiina winked at me as if to say she was the reason I’d been afforded any deference with the rules, and teased me for “snoring like a homeless person at a bus depot.” When I awoke, Rika was nowhere to be found. She must have either gone willingly or been dragged to her evening track appointment with Miki.
  376.  
  377. I tap my pencil as I try to work out the particulars of a biology report that’s due at the end of the week. It’s been a relatively productive evening, and I’ve been trying to push thoughts of the last day’s events out of my mind. This is only my second sleepless night at Yamaku, but everything that happened the day prior feels like a week’s worth of events. All the course material I’m reviewing feels like it’s all new to me. I hope this doesn’t affect my grades.
  378.  
  379. The text message notification on my phone goes off. It’s from Rika.
  380.  
  381. “Come to school.”
  382.  
  383. Why is she at the school?
  384.  
  385. “Why?”
  386.  
  387. “Because I want to see you.”
  388.  
  389. That doesn’t entirely answer my question, but I can’t really expect Rika to be anything but vague when she’s trying to be so mysterious. I had thought of trying to force myself to sleep with an extra “drowsiness” or two in order to straighten out my sleep schedule. She must have come to the opposite conclusion. Maybe she’s more accustomed to sleepless nights than I am.
  390.  
  391. The walk to the school building refreshes my senses. It’s a cool night, just enough to chill my breath a little bit. The weather is cloudless and the sky is lit up with stars. One of the nice things about Yamaku is it’s just rural enough that you can see the stars really well in the dark, something I never was able to enjoy growing up in the city. The moon is ominously full and it floods the courtyard with a soft yellow glow. There is a total silence everywhere. I’m not sure where she was planning on meeting me, exactly. As I approach the school doors, my phone’s text message notification beeps again.
  392.  
  393. “Look up.”
  394.  
  395. I look straight up and see Rika staring down at me. She’s sitting on top of the chain-link fence that surrounds Yamaku’s roof, her legs dangling over the edge, swinging very nonchalantly, her hands balancing her at the sides, one of which is holding her phone. She clutches the bar and leans forward slightly to look down at me better, her long, bare legs anchoring her against the fence, her silver braid dangling in front of her. The school is tall enough that she’s too far away for me to speak to her discreetly. The ever-present glow of the moonlight causes her bright visage to pop out vividly against the black sky. I can see the redness of her lipstick, the bright luminosity of her fiery eyes, the wicked, sly, tight-lipped smirk that is a permanent fixture. She’s dressed in a pair of green cotton shorts, white crew socks and a plain white tank top. Her apparent boldness and confidence is the only thing keeping my heart from giving out from second-hand fear. Is this what she wanted to do?
  396.  
  397. Before I can ask any questions, she turns and disembarks onto the roof, and I get another text message asking me to hang on. The front door of the school opens a few minutes later.
  398.  
  399. “Security is lax around here at this time of night,” she says in a hush, “but we have to be quiet.”
  400.  
  401. She takes my hand and we enter the school, which is almost pitch black. How she can find her way around here without any light, I don’t know. She must come here a lot after hours.
  402.  
  403. We ascend the many flights of stairs to the roof. My heart starts to beat a bit more rapidly. Emi would be pleased to know that I’m doing a little extra cardio.
  404.  
  405. Rika throws the door to the roof open, and we walk out onto the gravel-covered rooftop of Yamaku. I’ve been here once before, on a lunch date with Emi and Rin, but it looks eerily dissimilar under the moon’s glow, with this stillness and silence everywhere.
  406.  
  407. “Home free,” Rika says, closing the door behind us and locking the handle. She guides me towards the back of the school, where the chain link fence abruptly stops, leaving a bare ledge with a very small concrete border just a foot above the gravel. She hops up onto the ledge and starts to do a mock balance-beam walk. I reach out instinctively to stop her but she proceeds undeterred, taking one cautious step before the other but walking rather rapidly.
  408.  
  409. “Are you afraid of heights?” she asks me without looking over her shoulder.
  410.  
  411. “I guess, a little,” I reply. “Aren’t most people?”
  412.  
  413. “Everyone is,” she says. She twirls on her heel, facing me again, her braid flipping around to her front side. I regard her cautiously, trying to remain calm, but the spectacle is still putting me ill at ease. Her arms are extended to keep her balance, and the sight of her wobbling just a bit with each step fills me with anxiety. I feel my heart rate increase, and try to take controlled breaths as I watch her. She seems to notice this in me and narrows her eyes gleefully at my reaction.
  414.  
  415. Finally, she takes a seat on the ledge and motions for me to join her. I comply, more because I want to sit down than because I want to face my fears. I try to look at the sky rather than the ground beneath my feet. She puts a hand on mine and we both stare out, me at the sky, her at the earth.
  416.  
  417. “You’re pretty agile for a slacker,” I say.
  418.  
  419. She chuckles. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me. Did I ever tell you about my first heart attack?”
  420.  
  421. “Didn’t you say it was when you were just a little girl?”
  422.  
  423. “Yeah,” she says, and pauses, a dreamy expression overtaking her. “I wasn’t even old enough to remember it, but my parents have told me this story a few times. They had taken me to a circus just at the outskirts of my hometown. I was dazzled by the trapeze artists. There was a tight-rope walker that came out towards the end of the show and my parents said that the look on my face was a sort of joy they’d never seen before. But just at the halfway point across the rope, the tight-rope walker lost his balance and fell. I must not have understood that there was a net beneath him, that he’d be okay, because I was mortified. I fell unconscious. I spent months in the hospital, going through tests and surgeries."
  424.  
  425. "So that's how you found out about your heart condition?"
  426.  
  427. She shakes her head. "We already knew. I'd already had a few corrective surgeries and was scheduled for a third one once I was old enough. That's just the first time I had a brush with death. The doctors said it wasn’t fear that caused the heart attack, it was just a 'complication.' But how could it just have been a coincidence? I still think it was that sight that did it for me. The thought that I was watching a person die.”
  428.  
  429. She stretches out along the narrow ledge, dangling her right leg off the side, and puts her head in my lap. Her hands are interlocked, sitting on her stomach. She looks up at me, forcing me to look down and be confronted with the sight of the great distance to the pavement below.
  430.  
  431. “I can hear your heart,” she says.
  432.  
  433. “I’m still not as good with heights as you are,” I admit.
  434.  
  435. “Me neither. Look,” she says, and takes my hand, sliding it down the collar of her tank top. I feel her heart beating rapidly, moreso than my own. Her skin is hot. Is she alright? She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, then goes on as though nothing was amiss.
  436.  
  437. Something else makes my heart skip. She isn’t wearing a bra.
  438.  
  439. “I fell in love with gymnastics as a kid,” she goes on. “My doctors said it was good for me, that it would keep me fit and healthy. But what I really wanted was to be an acrobat. To walk on a line between life and death. And to help others feel that way, too. Because of me. When I told my parents this, they pulled me out of the gymnastics program. That was when I was 10. I was furious. But, I understand why they did it. They never did like when I talked about those things.”
  440.  
  441. “So, now you have to sneak out of your room at night and come up here to work on your tight rope routine?”
  442.  
  443. She giggles. “I was a kid, Hisao. I grew out of that dream years ago. But I still like that feeling. Of forcing people to face their fears. People who want to feel as alive as I feel all the time. And maybe I like not being the only one who is afraid of what’s going to happen to me. You know? Besides, I’m sure nobody would hire an acrobat with heart failure. And I probably wouldn’t like it, anyways. There’s nothing real about walking with a safety net.”
  444.  
  445. I frown at her. She’s forced fear on me enough times for me to know exactly what she means. My hand starts to shake where it lays on her chest. I’m conscious of the fact that her heart rate isn’t diminishing, and that makes me even more worried. Has she been taking her meds?
  446.  
  447. “Are you okay, Rika?”
  448.  
  449. “Why? Are you afraid for me?”
  450.  
  451. “I’m afraid for both of us.”
  452.  
  453. This makes her smile. She says nothing.
  454.  
  455. I take a deep breath to try and calm myself, but the combination of the height and the intimacy are making it difficult to control my breathing. Being alone with her, feeling her body against me in this starry night up on the rooftop, makes me feel so close to her. Even though we hardly know each other. This common affliction, this thing that we share, binds us together. I feel both of our hearts beating, hers faster but slowing a bit, mine accelerating to meet hers. Almost like they’re listening to each other. Even in spite of her heart rate and her rapid breathing, her face is filled with serenity and peace. The pale moonlight fills her skin with a golden glow. Her shiny silver hair is positively glittering in the low light. Her beauty overwhelms me.
  456.  
  457. “Rika, we should get down from here. This isn’t good for us.”
  458.  
  459. She snuggles closer to me and sighs. “Just a little longer, okay?”
  460.  
  461.  
  462.  
  463.  
  464. Scene 7: The Other
  465.  
  466. At 7:30 AM I arrive at the track and, as usual, Emi’s already running laps. Lucky for me, Emi is incapable of negativity when she’s running, so she beams at me with a smile that I probably don’t deserve. Rika had insisted we stay on the rooftop just long enough to watch the sunrise, so I wound up ignoring a few of Emi’s phone calls this morning as the two of us silently watched the sun come up over Yamaku. After all, it’s not often you get to enjoy a sight like that. We were lucky enough to evade the cleaning staff as we vacated the premises.
  467.  
  468. Even if I am late, I’m sure she’s just happy that I’m not blowing off my responsibilities again. I join her on the track and run a few laps.
  469.  
  470. Just as I’m about to make my fourth lap, I feel a tightening in my chest. Emi sees me faltering and sprints over to assist me. I can see her concern but she masks it with enthusiasm.
  471.  
  472. “Hey, no dilly-dallying, lazy butt! Do you really want me to lap you again?”
  473.  
  474. “Sorry Emi, I think I need to call it quits for today.”
  475.  
  476. She glares at me sternly, her hands on her hips. “Hisao Nakai! Did you take your meds today?”
  477.  
  478. I fall to my knees. The pain is intense, and my fingers clutch at my chest in agony. Emi rushes to my aid, putting my arm around her shoulder and helping me back to the bleachers. I sit down and take a long swig from my water bottle.
  479.  
  480. “I’m calling Nurse,” she says, and opens her phone.
  481.  
  482. “No, Emi,” I say, “I’m going to be alright. Don’t worry about it.”
  483.  
  484. “Going to be alright!?” She fumes at me, and then tries to collect herself. Her angry expression fades and all that’s left is that sad face of hers, which hits me even harder. She puts her phone away and sits down next to me, covers her face in her hands, and starts to sob. Why is she getting so worked up?
  485.  
  486. “Hey, Emi,” I say, reaching out to put my hand on her shoulder. She bats me away.
  487.  
  488. She speaks again in a quiet tremor, still covering her face. “Don’t you know what’s going to happen to you if you don’t take your medicine?”
  489.  
  490. “Emi, it was just one day. I’m sorry. I couldn’t sleep because I slept all day, so me and Rika were just hanging out and I didn’t get a chance to go back to my room before coming here.”
  491.  
  492. This is probably not what I should have said. She stares daggers at me.
  493.  
  494. “So it WAS her? What has she been telling you, Hisao?”
  495.  
  496. “Nothing, Emi. That’s nothing for you to worry about.”
  497.  
  498. Her face turns red and I can see her suppressing more anger. Tears are still flowing down her cheeks. Why is she reacting so strongly? Does she hate Rika that much?
  499.  
  500. “Listen, Emi,” I start again, “I don’t know what happened between you and Rika. I know you guys used to be running partners and I know you didn’t get along. But I am making my own choices about my health. She’s got nothing to do with that. This has just been a weird couple of days for me and I promise I’m going to take it more seriously from now on, okay?”
  501.  
  502. She stares at her prosthetic feet while I talk, the rage subsiding. She sniffles. The vision really is heartbreaking. The weakness, the tears, make her look like a child.
  503.  
  504. Finally, she looks at me, a bit more collected. “Hisao, there’s something else I need to tell you about Rika.”
  505.  
  506. I tense up in anticipation. I’ve had a feeling there’s something Emi has been keeping from me.
  507.  
  508. “What is it, Emi?”
  509.  
  510. She swings her prosthetic feet as she looks down at them, trying to retain her composure.
  511.  
  512. “Well, Hisao… there used to be another boy like you at Yamaku. I never really talked to him a lot because he was a junior when I started here, but he was paired up with one of the girls in his class who was on the track team. Like us.”
  513.  
  514. Her eyes meet mine. They are filled with pain. Why has nobody told me this before?
  515.  
  516. She continues. “And he…” She trails off, tears welling up in her eyes again.
  517.  
  518. My face reddens and I speak with trepidation. “Emi… what happened to him?”
  519.  
  520. She takes a deep breath before continuing, her voice saturated with pain.
  521.  
  522. “He died, okay? I wasn’t supposed to tell you but I just can’t keep it from you anymore. When you do stuff like this, I just… I just don’t want you to die, okay?”
  523.  
  524. She collapses in a fit of tears again and I hug her, stroking the back of her head. Her tiny frame presses against me as she sobs into my shirt. A million thoughts rush through my head. I can understand why people would keep something like this from me, but why is Emi suddenly telling me all of this? What’s different about our situation now? And then I remember something she said earlier. I let her calm down a bit before speaking again.
  525.  
  526. “Emi?”
  527.  
  528. “Yeah?”
  529.  
  530. “You said you had to tell me something about Rika. What does this have to do with Rika?”
  531.  
  532. She takes another deep breath and pries herself from my embrace. After a long pause, she speaks.
  533.  
  534. “Hisao, Rika was... his girlfriend.”
  535.  
  536.  
  537.  
  538. Scene 8: The Three Ghosts
  539.  
  540. It's been almost a month since Emi broke down in my arms on the Yamaku track, and I've still got a million questions and no answers. It doesn't help that exams are approaching and I'm spending so much of my time walled up in the student council room with Shiina and Shizune. These silent lurches back to my bed are the only chance I get to really reflect on the strange events of last month. Try as I might, the harder I think about it, the more lost I become.
  541.  
  542. I can’t blame Emi for telling me what she told me about Rika. And I have no reason to disbelieve her. It’s pretty plain to see that Emi isn’t the meddlesome type. And even if she were, I don’t think she’s attracted to me enough to make her jealous of Rika. I keep getting vague hints that she's got a crush on the track captain. And she has never been anything but completely honest with me. She's probably the person I trust most here at Yamaku.
  543.  
  544. Nurse’s silence I can understand. The medical history of the students of Yamaku is a confidential matter. And I’m sure this boy who came before me, whose name I was never told, is not the only tale of sadness at Yamaku. What would I expect Nurse to say to me? “Exercise well, eat well, because you don’t want to end up like Kid X?” I know Nurse has too much respect for the dead to do something like that.
  545.  
  546. Confronting him is out of the question. I can’t betray Emi’s confidence in me.
  547.  
  548. When it comes to the other students at the school, even if there’s no pact of silence, it’s no mystery they wouldn’t say anything. The students here are anything but cruel, and sharing this secret would be cruel to me, to the deceased, and even to Rika. Moreover, Rika’s told me on more than one occasion that it’s taboo to talk about death at Yamaku.
  549.  
  550. And that leaves Rika. Strangely enough, Rika is the only one whose silence I can’t fully understand. In the days since Emi’s breakdown, Rika and I have grown closer and closer. We’ve started taking lunch together in the courtyard, skipping the odd afternoon class to go for a walk. We've even snuck into the school after hours a few more times so we could spend some time alone with the moon, the stars, and our fear of heights. I’ve begun to share with her all the pastimes she tells me she used to simply enjoy alone. And yet, of all the stories of her past that she’s spontaneously poured out to me in moments of closeness, this one issue has never emerged.
  551.  
  552. Why wouldn't she tell me about this? Rika is not bound by the same politeness as the other people at Yamaku. Quite the opposite. Nor is she withholding the information out of concern for my well-being. After all, she’s taken every chance she’s had to give me a heart attack since I’ve arrived. Every chance but this one.
  553.  
  554. All I can think is that either she's afraid I will judge her, or she’s still not done coping with her loss. I can’t imagine what it’s like losing a loved one at such a young age. Am I her placeholder? Her rebound from beyond the grave? Could this be the reason for all the rushed intimacy?
  555.  
  556. As I lurch through the dorm halls, hungry for sleep, I go over the thought in my head again and again. What if I did confront her? She might get defensive and snap at me. She might break down crying. She might deny it. And what would I gain? Validation? The peace of mind of knowing that I wasn’t going to take this laying down? Any way I look at it, there’s no reason to say anything. So all I can do is wait for her.
  557.  
  558. When I open my door, I notice an envelope on the floor. Someone must have slipped it under my door while I was out. One nice thing about Yamaku is that people around here tend to look out for each other. I’m sure someone noticed I hadn’t checked my mail in a while and took it upon themselves to give me special delivery.
  559.  
  560. I unfold the letter and begin reading, my eyes flying across the pages without fully comprehending their contents. It’s a long letter. It’s beautifully written. The paper is nice. Do I smell her perfume?
  561.  
  562. Her presence overwhelms me.
  563.  
  564. Iwanako.
  565.  
  566. I scan the pages again, but none of the words make their way into my head. My heart twitches.
  567.  
  568. Then, a newer but equally familiar sensation rouses me from my daze. The sound of my phone. I check my new message.
  569.  
  570. “Come to the woods.”
  571.  
  572. I know better than to respond to any of Rika’s vague text messages anymore. The answer’s never any different. I stuff the letter in my pocket and throw on my sweater-vest, which ought to keep me plenty warm on a mild summer night such as this one.
  573.  
  574.  
  575.  
  576.  
  577.  
  578. Scene 9: Pieces of Paper
  579.  
  580. As usual, Rika’s directions are far from precise. She isn’t keen on the traditional rendezvous. What she meant by “the woods” is anyone’s guess, after all. What she really wants is just a general idea of where I can be found so she can sneak up on me.
  581.  
  582. I walk halfway up the path leading into the woods near Yamaku, winding through zelkova and maple trees, trying to be alert enough to my surroundings. A breeze rustles through the branches. It makes me shiver, even though I’m not cold. I’ve never been out here at midnight. I can see why Rika likes it so much. It seems to suit her.
  583.  
  584. I wander for a good 20 minutes before her voice gets the jump on me. Not what I was expecting to hear.
  585.  
  586. “Who’s Iwanako?”
  587.  
  588. I look up at the source of the sound to see Rika is reclining in the divergence of two wide maple branches, wearing her silver pullover and jeans. She waves the letter at me and I instinctively reach for my pocket to find that it’s now empty. The letter must have fallen out. Either that, or she pilfered it from me. It wouldn't be unlike her.
  589.  
  590. She hops down from where she’s sitting, slapping the note against my chest. I frown at her smug gesture, still a bit miffed at the invasion of privacy. For the first time since our date at the cinema, I smell tobacco smoke on her clothes.
  591.  
  592. “Did you read the whole thing?” I ask.
  593.  
  594. “I didn’t have time. I just looked at the name at the end. Is she a friend of yours?”
  595.  
  596. She presses the point with her eyebrows raised in what’s either real or mock sternness. I don’t see any jealousy, but then again, maybe I wouldn’t know it if I did see it.
  597.  
  598. “I guess you could say that,” I reply.
  599.  
  600. She takes my hand and starts to walk down the path with me. We’ve come out here plenty of times before, during the day, but never this late at night. I’m not sure why she chose this evening to call me. Maybe she’s got insomnia again. Maybe it was a lucky guess that I’d still be awake, or maybe not even sleep itself can guard me from her whims.
  601.  
  602. Somehow the woods feel even quieter than normal. The trees look so different at night. The colours are so faded in this low light that they’re almost grey. The leaves look like they’re made from origami paper, and even in stillness they seem to shift as I pass by them. Rika’s white skin is the brightest thing in the woods, positively beaming with radiance and warmth. Her shiny silver braid sways across her chest as she walks. I’m reminded of the way she looked at the festival when we watched the fireworks, with the different colours illuminating her as if she were made of mirrors. And how in the cinema, I could almost see the film reflected in her skin…
  603.  
  604. “What did she say in her letter?” Rika asks.
  605.  
  606. “I don’t remember. I didn’t really get to read it.”
  607.  
  608. We take a few more steps in silence before I talk again.
  609.  
  610. “Iwanako was my tight-rope walker.”
  611.  
  612. Rika gives me a strange look. “I thought I was the only acrobat in your life.”
  613.  
  614. I chuckle and shake my head at her. “No, I mean Iwanako was the one who gave me my first heart attack. It’s kind of stupid, now that I think about it. We weren’t dating exactly, we were just in the same class. One day she slipped me a note in class asking me to meet her after school. I was shocked. We'd never really talked before in class, but I always sort of thought she was cute. I went to see her, and... she sort of asked me on a date.”
  615.  
  616. Rika slows her step slightly before picking up. I wait for her.
  617.  
  618. “And what did you say to her?”
  619.  
  620. “I didn’t get that far before, well…”
  621.  
  622. I trail off and she squeezes my hand wordlessly, as though to signal her understanding. This is the first time I’ve ever told the story of my heart attack to someone who didn’t already know about what happened. Even my parents didn’t get the full story. Somehow, it’s so much different with Rika. I’m starting to understand why she has such an easy time telling me so much about herself. I continue.
  623.  
  624. “She came to visit me in the hospital, but it was weird. For one thing, we weren't really friends before that, so the fact that she'd bother to visit me in the hospital at all felt... well, it just felt really awkward. Most of my memories of her are from the hospital visits. Since we didn't have a lot to talk about, she just gave me updates on how things were going at school, what everyone was up to, how all my friends were doing. That kind of thing. But she never asked me that question again, and I never brought it up. I don’t think she even wanted to come to the hospital, really. I think she was just visiting me out of…”
  625.  
  626. Rika cuts me off. “Guilt.”
  627.  
  628. Her voice cracks a bit and I look at her with alarm. Her face has its usual neutral expression, but her eyes look heavy. She watches her feet as we keep walking. After clearing her throat, Rika begins speaking in a dreamy, flat voice.
  629.  
  630. “People told her it wasn't her fault, but she couldn't believe them. She was there. She knew if it wasn't for her, that wouldn't have happened. Maybe later, maybe years later... just not then. But she couldn't figure out what she did wrong. All she wanted was to be an ordinary girl with a normal boyfriend. Do you remember what it was like, the first time you looked at her that way? The first time she looked at you that way…”
  631.  
  632. Her voice trembles a little despite her best efforts. Her hand is shaking. I’m speechless. I turn to her but she’s averting her gaze from me, hiding herself from me. This meekness is entirely unbecoming of her, and it makes me uneasy. After a pause she speaks again in an eerie hush.
  633.  
  634. “Are you going to answer her letter?”
  635.  
  636. I ponder for a moment as we walk.
  637.  
  638. “Honestly, I don’t think I will answer it. Getting her letter, seeing her name on it, just reminded me how much I’ve moved on after all that’s happened to me. And even though she visited me for a while in the hospital, after a while, well… she just left me alone.”
  639.  
  640. I wait for Rika’s answer, but she says nothing. The breeze rustles the branches of the trees as we emerge into a meadow clearing. With each step, I hear the letter from Iwanako crumpling more in my pocket. Rika and I have never walked out this far before. It’s quieter here. Her fingers dig into my hand while we walk. I don’t know what to make of it. She speaks softly.
  641.  
  642. “Are you even going to read it?”
  643.  
  644. “I don’t think I have to.”
  645.  
  646. I listen to the silence more. Rika’s breathing is increasing again, but there’s something different about it. I try to look her in the eyes again, but they’re closed. Something sparkles on her cheek. Is she crying?
  647.  
  648. “Rika? Are you okay?”
  649.  
  650. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.
  651.  
  652. My heart starts to thud against my chest. I speak calmly.
  653.  
  654. “Rika, what’s wrong?”
  655.  
  656. Before I finish my sentence she falls to her knees, her fingers digging into my hand. I kneel in front of her, putting my other hand on her shoulder.
  657.  
  658. “Rika! Tell me what’s wrong!”
  659.  
  660. She clutches my hand in silence. I press two fingers against her neck to feel for her pulse, but there’s nothing.
  661.  
  662. My heart churns with intensity. I can hear it thumping in my ears.
  663.  
  664. I try to calm myself down and Nurse’s words echo in my memory.
  665.  
  666. (Remove her shirt.)
  667.  
  668. I tug her sweater over her head. She’s not wearing anything but a bra underneath. Her body feels stiff and empty, like a shell.
  669.  
  670. (Lay her down on her back.)
  671.  
  672. I lay her half-naked body in the cold meadow grass. Her face is blank. In the meadow clearing, the starlight shimmers all over her. I gaze at her narrow, athletic physique, her gorgeous fair skin. I force my head to clear.
  673.  
  674. (Stop staring at her. Take deep breaths. Calm down.)
  675.  
  676. I close my eyes and my eyelashes moisten with tears.
  677.  
  678. (Press her chest with your hands. Two motions per second.)
  679.  
  680. I place my hands on her chest and feel for the correct position. I feel a long ridge between her breasts. I try not to think about what it is.
  681.  
  682. (One. Two.)
  683.  
  684. My hands pump at a steady rate with the practiced amount of pressure. My own heart rate mimics the rhythm of my movements. I try to ignore it.
  685.  
  686. (Get ahold of yourself. Breathe.)
  687.  
  688. I collect myself and continue pressing her chest.
  689.  
  690. (One. Two.)
  691.  
  692. Then I hear a loud gasp. Our eyes spring open simultaneously and bind one another. Rika’s crimson eyes are glowing with sheer terror, her mouth gasping for air. She springs forward and embraces me. I clutch her tightly to my chest and she presses her wet cheek against my own, shuddering and stifling her sobs.
  693.  
  694. “Rika, please,” I implore her. “We need to get you to a hospital.”
  695.  
  696. Her fingers dig into my back. I feel her hot breath on my skin for the first time as she whispers something repeatedly in my ear.
  697.  
  698. “I’m so sorry.”
  699.  
  700.  
  701.  
  702.  
  703. End of Act 2
  704.  
  705. Act 3: http://pastebin.com/FbP4K59w
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