Thread 56: Stories 46-60

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"18"
~~~

If the feeling of the room got any more awkward, a junior prom filled with antisocial hedgehogs with bad skin would spontaneously form at any moment, they both swore.

He had just walked into the sacred office without so much as a knock, realized what he did, started to leave to rectify it, immediately realized how stupid that would look, froze, shuffled a bit, moved to sit down, decided against it, cleared his throat at least twice, and then let out a long, slow puff of air from his cheeks while tapping his hooves upon the ground in a rhythmic, yet random fashion.

It was the trippiest three seconds of Eighteen's life.

>So... zombies.

In a desperate attempt to prevent the repeat of what had just occurred, she decided not to voice the biting sassy comment that always came to her when someone said something like that. Really, Chrysalis was going to ruin her.

"Zombies indeed."

>Kind of bad timing.

"Terrible, really."

>I mean, I didn't even get to talk to Applejack. Remember? That's why I was over there in the first place.

"Rescheduling, truly the greatest nightmare we have ever faced."

Well, at the very least whenever she sees 42 again, they can bond over wanting to punch their own inner brains.

"Sorry, that came off-"

>No no! Fine, it's fine. Totally fine. Need a bit of humor right now. Laughs are nice.

"Not a very funny joke, though."

>I appreciate the sentiment.

At what point two of the most powerful, both politically and magic wise, non-immortal beings had been replaced with awkward teenagers in very convincing suits, neither of them could say. They could only hope that whatever cosmic force had gotten its jollies off, and they would pull back the disguise at any moment.

>So... regarding the new... status between yourself and myself with regards to special permissions granted via Cadence...

Just like that, the edge of Eighteen's seat had been located, and she firmly familiarized herself with it.

"Y-yesss?"

Her mounting tension was not, in any way shape or form, helped by the sudden silence.

>Maybe we should... you know...

If her heart beat any faster, it would break out, escape, go up to the stallion and start strangling him with her own pulmonary arteries.

"Yeeeeesssss?"

Tortuously, he fell silent once more.

>...You know what? I have no idea what I'm doing, do you?

The phrase 'cruel and unusual punishment' briefly began to make itself known for clearly unsubstantiated reasons, Eighteen was sure.

>I mean, I don't know how to go about this. We've been through just... a lot! So much, and you never stopped feeling like this for me despite never being able to... and now, Cadence said yes to... THIS! To this! I never dreamed in a billion million trillion centillion years she would ever even consider, and not that I was even thinking of it! But then it happens, and you know what? A part of me, a big part... it's happy! It's happy because she's not hurt, or angry, or worried that I'll love her any less or anything like that! That's a huge trust thing! No, you know what? I'll just say it, I'll say it because this needs to be said and it wouldn't be fair otherwise... I do not know if I would have done the same if some stallion felt that way about her!

At some point in the last three seconds, Eighteen was fairly sure words were said, but strangely she was mostly hanging on wondering if centillion was a real number.

>I know! I know how unfair that is! You don't have to tell me because I know, and I can't make an excuse for it! I just... but she's okay with it! I checked, I double checked, triple checked, checked way past the point where it could be considered sane, but same answer! She's okay with it... but now? What do I do here? Seriously asking and would love your opinion. I had enough trouble understanding a single-pony relationship, and you best believe I was awkward as all hell. I was downright embarrassing.

As someone who had spoken with his mother, she knew this, knew this way better than he was even aware, but she felt this was probably not the best time to mention that.

>But two mares in my life!? I know, every stallion's dream and blah blah blah, no! This is nothing like the movies! This is worrying! This is making me wonder the logistics of breakfast! Breakfast! I seriously woke up this morning before everyone else just so I could sit down before you all so I wouldn't have to pick who I was going to sit next to while worrying I would offend somebody! I don't want to offend either of you, I want you both to be happy, and yet my brain is trying to turn itself into some kind of super processor just to understand breakfast! So I just... I want to at least see if this can work, but I'm completely lost here. You're a changeling, you've been around a lot of love and romance, what's your take on this? Help me out here.

Her mouth resolutely and quickly opened.

Then shut.

Opened again.

Shut just as quickly.

Blinked once, twice, third time for good measure.

Opened once more.

Closed with a shrug.

"I'm... actually pretty lost here too. You know how many dates I've gone on? Not a lot. Next in lines aren't allowed to out of fear they'll get knocked up pre-ascension, and by the time I joined up with Chrysalis I was relegated to sabotage and subterfuge, not seduction. I tried going on some dates a while ago when I thought this whole thing was never going to possibly happen, but I'd rather not use those trainwrecks as a baseline for anything aside from reasons why second dates are a mystery to me. I don't want to make this a fight between me and Cadence, obviously, which is why I've kept my mouth shut about this... sooooo...

Just like that, those awkward teenagers had returned. Ninjas, the lot of them.

>So... you know what? Screw it. Want to, like, go on a date? Just a normal, chill date to start off with, get a feel for this, see what happens?

And also just like that, said awkward teenager inside of Eighteen was crushed beneath a girlish, energetic and excited teen. There were no survivors.

"YES! We should do that! We should totally, absolutely do that! All of that!... Well, not ALL of that, don't wanna, you know... before marriage... is that an issue with you? Did you and Cadence wait-"

If his look had been any more flat and stoic, the guard would have thought a tile of floor had come loose and taken over the kingdom.

"Okay, so no on that one?"

Medusa herself would give a slow clap with how quickly that rocky face got even more solid.

"Gotcha. Well, something to keep in mind for... later. So, uh... should we invite Cadence?"

A shock rippled through him as the implications sank in.

>Huh?

"I'm just saying, this isn't, like, you and me and she's on the side or something. Three ways is three ways, right? So, I guess anything we do, we should like... invite her along, right? I mean, if she doesn't want to go that's cool, just think..."

>...Actually? You know what, that is a brilliant idea. Thank you.

"Great! Always happy to help-"

>And since it was your idea, I'd say you should be the one to ask.

One blink, two blink, stunned blink, blew blink.

"...Come again?"

>No, this is a great idea! Yeah! You can ask her, see how she reacts, and you know, build from there! This'll be great! That way if she's got any preferences where she wants to go our boundaries or whatever, you girls can sort it out! I'm good with whatever, you know I'm just here to please, so you girls figure out the whats and where, and we can all go and start ironing this out! Great! This is great!

Whether he was intentionally, or unintentionally, ignoring the forced, nervous smile on her face, she would never have the courage to ask.

>Okay, so, good start! Whenever you ask her, tell me and we'll get the date set up and we can all go on it! This is good, liking this! Brilliant idea, Eighteen!

"Y-yeah... brilliant."

>Alright, well, tell me when you know! Bye! Lo... er, see you later!

He did not so much as open the door and leave as phase through it like some kind of low-rent science fiction movie, cheesy acting and all.

And thus, alone in her office, Eighteen diligently nodded, resigned herself to the fact she was about to go ask a married mare to come on a date with herself and said mare's own husband, and found her resolve.

...riiiiiight after slamming her head repeatedly into the desk and downing her entire emergency bottle of whatever liquor that the guards were kind enough to keep stocked.

"This... is going to be fun."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Jetset
“Nurse”
‘???’
~~~~~

The last strip of bandage fell to the floor and the Nurse mare backed up, watching as Jetset slid his shades back on, the ends glinting.

“Annnnnd bam! Fully healed, babe! How do you feel?”

His nostrils flared, lungs swelling with fresh air.

No surge of pain raced up to meet him, there was no ache in his muscles, no throbbing in his temple. Everything was right.

>I feel like this vacation is over, and time waits for no pony.

Still looking thrilled at his recovery, a few specks of disappointment poisoned her smile.

“Yeah… I guess so. No, yeah, course… got other things to do, places to go, heh… princess’s to guard and all that. Gotta be exciting, the fast and furious lifestyle….”

She tapered off muttering incoherently, her hoof awkwardly scrapping the floor.

>…When you take on the kind of work that I do, work that often times keeps you away from the ones you care about, you start to worry. And when you start to worry, you start to build up stress and lose sight of the mission at hand, which, for me, is unacceptable.

From within one of his cloak pockets, Jetset pulled out what could have passed for a glowstick, one filled with a dim hue of silver light.

She stared at it.

He stared at it.

A few seconds silence, then—

>So to alleviate myself of worry, I… I, uh… I fashioned this, a method of communication that only two souls on this planet know about. It’s very important to me, so to are they and….

There was a long pause as Jetset stared at the stick in his hoof, then up at the Nurse mare now eyeing him with soft confusion.

>Just… I crafted it with an easy enough trigger. Not that it has a physical trigger, as you can see, rather it’s release is what’s simple….

He was rambling and felt beyond daft.

Deep breath in…

And release.

Better.

>My sister and Queen Celestia of Equestria are the only other two who know and possess one of these. Within each one resides a bit of my own magic. If you break it, that magic acts like a beacon, letting me know exactly where you are. In other words, if you’re ever in trouble just crack this open and I’ll erase whatever’s bothering you. Understand?

Even if she did, she was unable to express it.

The look of absolute gratitude that screwed up her face prevented her from speaking, but she did sniffle. And sniffle some more.

Patiently, Jetset placed the device in her trembling hoof.

>On second thought, no, you’ll wind up getting snot over it.

So he instead tucked it just behind her ear.

Better.

“Jetty, I… th-thank… thank y-”

>Now I think we’ve more than worn out our welcome here at my Queen’s family abode.It’s time we beat a quick yet silent retre-

‘Now hold yer’ apples, sonny. Ain’t no one done worn out nothin’, not ’til Ah done said so, y’hear me?’

The eldest of apples had come teetering into the room, laden with a steaming apple pie that she set down on a nearby table.

In the sudden presence of his second Queen’s grandmother, Jetset’s salute was crisp and strong.

‘At ease, boy, calm yer' withers fer’ a spell, only got a few questions fer’ ya.’

>Yes, ma’am.

‘From what Ah figure, judgin’ by yer’ character an’ all… y’all protect mah grandapple, don’cha?’

>Ma’am, yes ma’am. To the fullest.

Granny Smith nodded, her gaze eerily focused despite her ever-quivering form.

‘What Ah thought. Now Ah know mah lil’ apple’s a bit of a hothead at times, likes to rush first, think later, that sort, so Ah know her current condition- the burnt hair an’ hooves- Ah know that was beyond y’all’s control.’

That didn’t stop Jetset from steeply dropping his head, to the point where his horn scrapped the floor.

>Nevertheless, I apologize deeply for-

‘A stallion shouldn’t be so quick to apologize fer’ their mare, son.’

A flash of red turned Jetset’s cheeks crimson.

>M-muh-my mare…?

‘If she was Ah’dda been skinned yer’ hide fer’ lettin’ her wind up like how she is. But movin’ on, can’t be talkin’ all day, gotta conserve breath….’

Her chuckle in no way made her next words any less cutting.

‘So, goes wit’out sayin’ that iffin’ she shows up at mah farm lookin’ even an inch close to how she did a’fore Hearth’s Warmin’… that Ah’ll be comin’ to talk with ya. Right?’

A spear of pure icy dread struck the agent in a place seldom few could reach.

>…

“…”

‘Yer’ too young to be goin’ deaf, Jetset, an’ Ah’m too old to be repeatin’ mahself.’

>Caught every word clear as crystal, ma’am.

The atmosphere took a seismic shift into warmer temperatures as Granny Smith gestured at the cake.

‘Well now that that’s cleared up, Ah recommend both y’all get in on some o’ this cake while it’s still hot!’

>…Gladly.

“Y-yes, Ms Granny Smith.”

‘Oh, sugar, just call me ‘granny’, everyone does. An' it’s been a right pleasure bein’ able to spread the apple hospitality yer’ way. Regardless of what this here lunkhead done told ya, any time ya wanna drop by, feel free. Barn door’s always open, honey.’

“O-oh! Um…”

She glanced at Jetset but he was muzzle-deep in pie and determinedly not making eye contact with anything or anyone.

‘You’ll stop by again, right, sugar?’

“Definitely. Yup, I sure will. So often you’ll get sick of me.”

And she, too, hastily dug into her slice of pie while Granny Smith smiled.

‘Good. Always a pleasure.’

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CD (Mostly just bullshitting a bump)
>Vekir
"Daw"

"-so all ya need ta do is grab yonder shiny and just slip it into my saddlebag."

>Vekir is certain that scarred pony said you could not steal.

"Right, but he didn't say you couldn't now did he?"

>Hmm...there is a point being made, yes yes. And Vekir admits...it is quite shiny...so very very shiny.

"Eyes on the prize, kiddo...okay, less on the prize...and don't drool. You lot don't eat metal do ya?"

>What?! Of course not! Vekir eats meat...and mushrooms...and sometimes small bugs.

"Alright, gonna file that away, but anyway, just tuck it in me saddlebag and none will be the wiser."

>Hmm...Vekir has doubts. What's in this for Vekir?

"I'll give you candy."

>DEAL!

"Children, easiest thing to bribe in the world."

>Vekir is NOT a child!

"Ah, sorry, mare-children, even easier."

>Vekir is unsure about you...

"Look, ya gonna filch that bauble over there or what?"

>Hmm...what kind of candy.

"Gryphon chocolate."

>The very sweet kind?

"The sweetest."

>Ooh...Vekir shall do this thing! Charge!

"Aaaaand...STOP!"

Vekir halts in her tracks before the desk she is attempting to grab the aforementioned shiny off of.

"That's what I figured. No class to ya at all. No finesse."

>Vekir does not understand Jackidaw pony.

"Hence why I said stop. Didja not think fer a sec that the Princess of a Thousand Tubes might just have some kinda security system?"

>...for small shiny?

"I didn't say she DID, but she MIGHT. I see the glint in your eye, you've got a thief's spirit but not a thief's mind, savvy?"

>...who is Savee?

Daw smacked a hoof to her head.

"Lass, congrats, you've just made yaself my new pet project."

>...Vekir is not Tunnel Skulker Jackidaw pony.

"I-student, I want you to be my student. I'll teach ya to be as stealthy as black sails at midnight."

>Hurrah! ...whyfor do seals of blackness need to be stealthy at midnight?

"Oh we are going to have a lot of work to do."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon

>Pinkie
"AJ"
~~~~
>Welcome to late night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie. It's during this time that content doesn't matter, and you're not required to be funny. Now for our main guest...APPLEJACK!

"Hey, Ah'm gla-"

>and that's all the time we have folks. Glad you were with us.

"Wait, I didn't even-"

>Silly Applejack. The game is just not to say bump. A quick and messy one-shot story with no real point. Some anons think Bump is too mainstream and want to do something else.

"What are you talking about?"

>...I mean you should wake up and talk to Luna about dream commercials. Also too many cooks!

Applejack wakes up in her bed.
"...what in tarnation?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>77
"88"
'???'
~~~

>And THEN we left Partyland.

"FINALLY! FOR FUCKS SAKE FINALLY!... That was kind of cool with the robot, though."

>It was rather exciting.

"So, did anything interesting happen after that?"

>........You could say that.

*KNOCKKNOCK!*

>GAH!

"WHAT!?"

>Someone actually knocked!?

"..."

The door opened slowly, but strangely 88 could hear no hoofsteps to accompany whatever came in.

>Oh! Sister, glad to see you!

'You as well, 77.'

The gruff, yet distinctly feminine voice was one 88 did not recognize, but it felt familiar.

'So, this is our dear lost soul, 88. I am happy to see you are alive and in good health... relatively speaking, of course.'

"And... who's this?"

'Heh, didn't expect you to recognize my voice. I was not named when we last met, but I've taken up the name 42 in the meanwhile.'

"..."

'...I'm the one who loved to hit things.'

"That is at least three fourths of our entire species."

'I'm the one who was actually GOOD at hitting things.'

"OH!... The one who beat me up outside of Fillydelphia?"

'I would prefer if you didn't remember me solely for that.'

".."

'...But yes, that was me. I assume. I don't know who you were. I beat up a lot of changelings outside of Fillydelphia.'

"Yeah, I looked like a male back then."

'We all did.'

"So, why is she-"

'I honestly have no idea why she doesn't care. You'd think her mother would have drilled in the importance, but I'm not exactly complaining.'

"...But, wait, you're her of hive, right?"

'Correct, myself and Seventy Seven both. Why?'

"...so then wouldn't you have been in the same brood as her?"

>...Wait a minute...

"..."
'...'
>...

'........Huh. Erm... well, if you need anything from us, be sure to request it from the proper representatives so we can have this dealt with in a timely manner.'

"Did she just turn into a robot?"

>She does that.

'Good day to you!'

*SLAM!*

>...Huh.

"...So, she's also-"

>Yes.

"Is that stallion's dick made of changeling nip or something!?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

CD
>Fancy Pants
"???"

>And yes, while the furnishings are a bit sparse I do believe you'll find it to your liking. You seem like an upstanding pony of means, I'm sure you can replace it all.

"Thank you kindly, Mr. Pants."

>Oh please, call me Fancy. I believe it's in my best interests to be on good terms with the gentlecolts, or in your case, gentlemares that rent my properties.

"Oh you are too much, Fancy, you'll make me blush."

>Well I can assure you I'm happily married so there's nothing to fear on that score.

The pale red mare stifled a titter behind a hoof as she looked through the empty front room of the now empty building that once housed a jeweler.

"Quite spacious, and very appealing, whatever could have made them leave?"

>I believe they cited the city becoming 'Too dangerous' for their purposes, sadly it's becoming quite popular to leave for the countryside amongst my dear peers. But I assure you that while I may summer elsewhere from time to time, this city shall always be my home, and as such, I'll be happy to assist you and yours getting settled in.

The mare wiped away some dust from the counter with a handkerchief, smiling amiably.

"I don't think this will be a problem, Fancy, me and mine believe that our wares are going to make this city feel much safer."

Fancy Pants adjusted his monocle, tilting his head with interest.

>Really now? Do tell, what are your wares?

The mare's horn lit up, opening her saddlebag and unfurling a banner across the wall behind the counter...

A banner that read "Coltsly Security Solutions, a Subsidiary of Fawntaine Industries", the words flanked by a steadfast droid scaring away a burglar on one side, and a stallion holding up a bottle containing a bright almost incandescent liquid on the other.

"Miracles, my dear Fancy, we're selling miracles."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >AJ
"Braeburn"
~~

"Hey? Cuz? Ah've got a question for ya'."

>Really... ya' know what? Hold up, is it gonna make mah head hurt or make me think somethin's broke?

"Yeah, probably? Why?"

>....Ya' know what, Brae? Ah'm gonna do somethin' real quick. Ya've been askin' me questions this whole time, right?

"Yeah?"

>Well, and correct me iffin' Ah'm wrong here, wouldn't it be fair ta' let me ask a question of you first, iffin' Ah' should have one?

"Well... Ah' guess, have been buggin' ya' a bit."

>Good! That there's good. Now... iffin' ya' don't mind, Breaburn, Ah've got a question.

"Yeah?"

>Why did ya'll start Appleoosa?

"...What? Cuz, that's crazy! We started it casue we were hopin' ta' expand!"

>Expand why?

"Cause... uh..."

>No no, even better. Ya' expanded and built that there whole town in under a year, right? That's why that whole business with the buffalo didn't come up.

"Y-yeah?"

>But we planted all of those trees. All of them. By movin' 'em from other areas.

"Yeah?"

>So... ya' built a great big town out in the middle of the desert when it had no source of food, ya' didn't even talk with the guys already livin' there, and prioritized, of all things a BAR before ya' figured any of that out. All this in a year. Fer' a random bit o' barren desert. Fer' no reason.

"..."

>...

"..."

>...

"...Ah'... Ah' think Ah' hear Granny callin'."

>Well, ya' better go check that out, shouldn't ya'?

"Yeah... think Ah' do..."

>Have a goodin', cuz.

"You too..."

>...........Ah, crap. If Celly ever catches onta' that, Ah'm doomed.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
"???"
'???'
~~~

Oh, what a pleasant dream to have.

Yes, she would most certainly have to thank Luna for this one when she got the chance. Really, she had never had a more pleasant time than this right here.

A massive table, cake galore before her... and so many family and friends all along side her. So many ponies all just sitting with her, chatting, regarding her as they would any other. She bantered with Shiny, she chatted with Twilight, she reminisced with Luna, and she even shared some good natured barbs with Chrysalis. It was so perfect, it could only ever have been a dream...

So thus, she thankfully wasn't too surprised when she was very, very violently pulled from this place of rest, and her ears burned with the words of

"PRINCESSPRINCESSPRINCESSSPRINCESSPRINCESS!"

The light, as with many things in her life, was a cruel mistress. One that punished her and made her shy away, clench her eyelids tight and groan in pain.

But, it seemed, her assaulter would not allow this to come to pass. Her head was roughly picked up, and those very eyelids forced open once more.

"I'MSORRYIWOULDNEVERDOTHISOTHERWISEBUTTHISISSUPERIMPORTANTLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOK-"

Were it not for the fact she recognized dear Twilight's voice, she would have probably killed them by accident. But, thankfully, her years above her student taught her that this action she was currently forced to endure would never, ever occur unless it was of the utmost dire importance.

And as her vision finally, at last, shifted from blurry indecipherable haze to sanity, she understood.

>BRONZE POMMEL!?

'...Really? No way, no. There is no possible way you remember me. How.'

She ignored his stunned, incredulous look, stumbling towards him almost drunkenly while blinking her eyes so rapidly the world took on the nature of a faulty film reel.

>It... it can't be...

"I know! I thought the same thing, but it's him! I DNA tested him, that's how much I didn't believe this!"

'Yeah, unpleasant. Just jammed the needle right in there, and I'm pretty sure you did not need that much blood.'

A shaky, almost frightened, golden clad hoof touched his cheek, slowly moving his face back and forth.

>...It is you...

'Seriously. You remember me? Me. How. We all look the same!'

>I know all of you, Pommel... I never forget your faces...

That same hoof pulled back, covering her mouth as those same disbelieving, but hopeful eyes looked upon him.

>You... how? Thirty Two said... that you...

'Got eaten, yeah. And, suffice to say, he was NOT exaggerating. That was not fun, no ma'am, not at all. I fought Bob down there!'

"...Wait, Bob?"

'Bob the tapeworm. Now, I know what you're thinking, but he actually was pretty dangerous, because he was a tapeworm... as big as I was.'

"...Wait, what!?"

'Long story. Actually? Whole things a long story, but short version is Chitania threw me up on a deserted island, and then made a raft and I went on a crazy adventure with pirates and sea monsters and giant things I think was a god but honestly I beat it and frankly that probably means it was full of shit or something and woe I am rambling... OH! Uh, princess Twilight? Vekir... am I saying that right? I'll assume you know what I mean. Vekir is in your lab, but her suit is torn and she doesn't want to melt so... might want to get on that.'

"...You left Vekir alone in my lab!?"

'Well, not alone, Daw's looking after her- and I just realized you have no idea who she is... Daw's a- well, a FORMER pirate who-'

"YOU LEFT A PIRATE ALONE IN MY LAB!?"

'...former pirate, but yes. But hey, she promised not to steal anything. I mean, that morlock knows not to steal stuff, right-'

"OHCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCPRAP-"

She became naught but a blur of lavender and a whoosh of air, and in no time at all she had ceased to be in that room, vanishing in a flash of light and magic.

'...Probably made a bad choice there. So... uh... while she's doing that, can you nullify my death certificate? I'm obviously...'

He realized, quickly, that he had not looked the princess in the face this whole time.

When he finally did, he instantly regretted it more than anything in the world.

'...Are.... are you crying?'

And she was. Openly and fully. Tears streaming down her face without any care for who may see or why.

'I... I don't... I'm not really worth...'

Her shaking hoof again touched his head, gently this time, stroking his frayed hair in an almost motherly, caring fashion.

'Come on, I'm... I was just a guard. Not even a very good one, I'm the only idiot who even got himself 'killed', and I am air quoting right there for obvious reasons. I'm not...'

She said nothing to his denials, spoke no words as a smile of happiness crossed her face.

'I'm just... I'm just Pommel, come on.'

>Yes.

That single word was haunting, almost ethereal to his ears.

>You are Pommel.

He had been trained in a lot of different etiquette manners becoming a guard. The one thing they hadn't slacked on was making sure everyone acted prim and proper at events and in front of the royalty. He knew everything from exactly what to say to regard ever single type of royal on the planet, how much and how long he should look at her Majesty, and the proper stance to take on when being directly addressed.

But nothing, in all that thorough and quite tiring training could prepare him for how to react when his Princess, the all powerful raiser of the sun, gently moved his head to her chest, and hugged him as lovingly as a mother would.

He went numb with shock, more unsure now than he had been when facing down Brahmos. And yet... he felt it melting away slowly, replaced with a warmth he did not know he was capable of experiencing.

>Welcome home.

And as that feeling exploded in his chest even more impossibly bright, he knew.

Yes... he was.

>It's good to have you back.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
“Luna”
_____

>Luna! Dearest sweet, wonderful Luna, twinkle of my moon! Are you ready to hear some news that'll make you click your hooves with joy? Get this, you'll never believe who I just… who I, uh….

“…”

>You know what, let’s just park what I wanted to say real quick because I find myself curious about a number of things concerning your current state of dress.

“…”

>Not to say I don’t like it, because I do and all, it’s just… ribbons on the tail and a bow on your head. Is there… is there cake nearby? I feel there should be cake nearby.

“…present….”

>I… what? Come again?

“…warming present…”

>Oh. Oh! A late Hearth’s Warming present! …Is what you are. You yourself are the present, presenting yourself, as you….

“…”

>…

“…”

>56?

“Mhm.”

>Apology gift for making him worry?

“Mhm.”

>Ah. Well. That's all very nice and cute and such, just make sure he knows that this particular gift is a little too old for him to unwra-

“SHUT THINE HOLE SISTER!”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Dash
"Guard"
~~~

*SLAM!*

>SNK! I WASN'T SLEEPING!

"Wonderbolt Captain Rainbow Dash! I have news!"

>...Mister Guard, can I call you guard? I'mma call you guard, M'kay... this had better be very, very important, or I will hurt you. I was in the throes of hangover recovery, and you are not helping. Make it worth my time, or else.

"It is! Ma'am... Pommel is alive!"

>...

"..."

>...Like... Coco Pommel? Was she in trouble? I wondered why I hadn't seen her since she said she was going to start working for Rarity. Huh.. glad she's okay?

"No! Pommel!"

>...Iron Pommel? Didn't he quit?

"NO!-I mean yes, he did, but-"

>So why wouldn't he be alive?

"OTHER POMMEL!"

>...OH! You mean THAT Pommel!?

"Yes!"

>Oh my goodness! He's alive!?

"YES!"

>Oh wow, this is big, thank you for telling me, and I'll be sure to go see the guy as soon as I can, bet he has some stories to tell!

"No doubt!"

>But I am swamped, would you mind running to tell the rest of the wonderbolts for me? I'll make it an order if you think this needs to be official.

"MA'AM YES MA'AM! Right away!"

>Good stallion! Wow, Pommel is alive, can't believe it.

"We thought the same thing, captain! We thought the same thing!"

>Well, what're you waiting for? Get going!

"YES MA'AM!"

*SLAM!*

>Good. Now... who the fuck was he talking about? Pommel... Pommel... this is going to bug me all day...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
>Twilight
"Daw"
'Vekir'

>PUT THOSE DOWN THIS INSTANT!

"Aw come on, how many of these tubes do ya ACTUALLY need?"

'Blblblb!'

>"VEKIR GET OUT OF THERE!"

Fwump!

'Aw...I felt safe in the tube.'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon
>Pinkie
"Celestia"
~~~~
>Welcome to late night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time, we make sure the thread doesn't fall into a oblivion. Now for our main guest...PRINCESS CELESTIA!!!

"Hello my little ponies. I hope-"

>and that's a wrap! Great to have you here princess!

"but I didn't-"

>We only get 2000 characters per post. Characters don't grow on trees you know.

"I...don't understand."

>Just worry about recovering from the bullet in your head.

Celestia wakes up in a hospital bed.
"...I should cut back on playing with my gun."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ
"BM"
~~~

"Hey, AJ? Ah've got a question, see iffin' ya' could help me here."

>NO! NOT YOU! YA'LL NEVER TALK! BE MERICFUL! BE MERCIFUL!

"...Mmmhmm... jus' wonderin'... we like, voted fer' Mayor Mare, right?"

>...Come again?

"Jus' askin', we had, like, elections and such? That happened and Ah' jus' don't remember it none, right?"

>...

"Cause Ah've been readin' up, and that's how thissin' here's s'posed ta' work. Every three years and three months there's s'posed ta' be an election, but Ah' can't fer the life of me recall a single one."

>...

"That happened, right?"

>..

"...Did ya' at least check when ya' started workin' fer' the princesses?"

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...Ah'm gonna feel stupid fer' a long time, ain't Ah'?

"Eeeeyup."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>77
"88"
'?'
~~~

>And that's when we left Fillydelphia!

"...I'm noticing a pattern..."

>...It's not as bad as-WHAT THE FUCK!?

"Okay, I just heard the door open, and now you are screaming, and now I am worried. You feel like filling in the BLIND CHANGELING on what you are looking at before I just start chucking knives I do not have?"

>WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU!?

"...This is not helpful."

'No worries! I'm here to say hi to, uh...'

>...Eighty Eight.

'SERIOUSLY!? Wow! Holy shit! Uh... nice to see you again!'

"Okay, who the fuck is-"

>No, hold on, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?

"Don't you cut me off."

'Eh, no big deal.'

>No big deal!? Do you think I don't know what BULLET WOUNDS look like or something!?

"Coincidentally, I don't! Describe them to me."

'Ahhhh, it's mostly flesh wounds. No organs got punctured or anything!'

>WHY IS THAT BETTER TO YOU!?

'Hey, I did not get wheeled in here on a wheelchair to be yelled at, I'm here to say hi to my sister and welcome her home!'

"...Hi, whoever the fuck you are."

'I am none other than double zero seven!'

"..."

'...'

"...Okay, you just kind of paused there like I'm supposed to know who you are, and this bothers me."

'I'm the third best infiltrator in the hive! Actually moved up to second, but eh.'

"Do you think I had a ranking system or something? I don't know who you are."

'...She's grumpy.'

>She was under the mind control of a giant spore for a while...

'What, seriously?'

>...how out of the loop are you?

'Been in surgery for a while.'

>...Nope. Not doing that again. Go ask someone else.

'Fine! Jeez!... nice to see you're okay, Eight!'

*Leaves*

>...WAIT! CRAP! He never answered why he was SHOT!

"..."

>...Also, how do you not remember him? I just told you about him helping us out on the airship not an hour ago.

"...Oh! Fuck! Right! Sorry, got a little sidetracked by that LONG ASS STORY you told a bit afterwards, and he didn't show up for a while."

>Are you going to keep harping on-

"YES!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>18
"???"
~~~

>Okay, Eighteen, big girl face... come on, you can do this...

The mantra she recited to herself was an unfamiliar one. Normally, she was quite confident in her abilities, an ace in a land of clubs. As well she should be, for had not fate itself intervened she would likely have stood as tall as Celestia herself, with an army of changelings at her command. Still, even without that boom of ascension she had managed herself quite well, and her beloved Empire was on the cusp of flourishing and becoming a shining beacon in all of the land.

She tried to remind herself of these facts as she crept down the hallway in an almost cautious, or dare she say frightened fashion. Peering around every corner wearily while looking for any sign of the tell-tale pink fur that would spell the end of what she sought.

All the while, she held up a peculiar box in front of her. A peculiar, distinctly heart shaped box.

Filled with chocolates.

Because, at some point in her brief war with sanity, she had gone down to the candy shop, found the floweriest looking box of chocolates she could find, and purchased them with the flair of one who had just unraveled a very challenging puzzle. It only occurred to her as she strut into the castle that this entire idea was, in fact, moronic, and that she should hate herself for having it, but it was honestly the best she could come up with.

Take that as you will.

Sadly, she was given precious little time to dwell on her sudden brain hemorrhaging, as at last she spotted that oh so pink flat rear within the confines of one of their many, many, many rooms, looking over a set of dresses for seemingly no reason at all.

After briefly fighting down the urge to start cataloging every sort of used room and deciding more profitable uses for them, she instead focused all of her attention on the possible ways she could broach this subject of asking her to come along on a date... with her own husband.

Silently, her mind began to whir.

First one that came to mind, stomping in there full of power and grace, regal energy radiating off of her as she regarded the alicorn. She would state her request that Cadence accompany herself and Shining Armor, and that if she should choose not to then it would be best if she stood aside and-...

And after mentally crossing that one off the list and setting fire to it, she made the stern resolution to avoid Chrysalis for the foreseeable future, her former queen was clearly a terrible influence.

The second one that came to mind was of a meek presence, to fall and beg her as a mewling filly would for permission to-

And after realizing that this almost looked worse than the first one, she decided to cross that one off the list as well, and also to see if Shining Armor would like some roleplay-

FOCUS!

Third that came to her mind was merely treating this as an adult, walking up to her, explaining the situation, and trying to work out something that all three parties would agree upon and going from there.

...Yes. Yes! This one, she thought, was perfect!

She walked inside the room, looked right into Cadence's face when the Alicorn met her gaze, and spoke with a strong, willful clarity.

>CHOCOLATES!

It was at this point her body had apparently decided her brain could go fuck itself, for it had instead chosen to shove the box in the Princess's face and bleat out the word like a braying goat while goggling at her like a crazy mare who had wandered in from the street.

So stunned was she that she had been betrayed so by her own flesh and blood, literally, that she could not muster up any response in the prolonged silence that followed, content to just stare openly at Cadence's bewildered look and resign herself to the knowledge that, sadly, someone would probably stop her if she tried to kill herself.

"Oh... thank you?"

>Yes!

She chose to take the fact she could speak once more as a positive, and nothing would ever deter her from that, nothing!


>I mean... you're welcome! Just saw how hard it's been for you lately, and I feel like you needed a little... uh... chocolate shaped pick me up.

"Oh... well thank you! That's really nice, Eighteen!"

>Yes, it is... I mean because you deserve it, because you are nice too...

"Thanks!"

>You're welcome.

The brief hope that the world had granted her proved only to make the following silence worse. Like a child who had been granted a candy bar only to find it full of spiders, she found resentment coming forth to the cosmos as a whole for daring to imply this conversation would be in any way shape or form nice.

>So... uh... chocolates.

"...Yes? They are that?"

>That they are.

Mentally, Eighteen hoped that would be sufficient enough stalling for her to run through the list of possible things she could say right now.

(So, your husband asked me out on a date-)

NO! That one seems like it's him pushing it on her!

(So, I heard of this nice place just outside of-)

NO NO! That one makes this deceptive and hides what she really wants!

(So, your husband is an AMAZING stallion and DAMN I just want to brace myself and let him-)

NONONONONONO!... Fine, accurate, but NO!

>So... chocolates.

...She will never be sadder than the moment she realized that, honestly, that was the best she could come up with.

"Are you alright?"

Okay! Concern! She can work with concern, she conceded! She just needed to use this as a jumping point!

>Well, actually, I was kind of wondering if...

"..."

>If you would, uh...

"..."

>Well, you see, me and hrmsm were talking and...

"...And?"

>And... I was wondering... iiiiifffff-

Come on, force it out, just get the hard part out of the way and then all three of you can go and have a nice time and maybe a magical evening and maybe this whole thing will work out beautifully leaving you wondering why you would ever even think it wouldn't' and you will be happy and everyone will behappyandthiscantotallyworkifyoujustaskherto-

SLAM!

'PRINCESS! I have news from Canterlot'

>HOLY SHIT THAT SOUNDS IMPORTANT!

"...What?"

After taking a few steps back away from her outburst, the guard quickly cleared his throat.

'Ah, yes, well... A-hem, Princess! You will never believe the news!'

"In a second, Eighteen was-"

>I DON'T BELIEVE IT HOLY SHIT WE NEED TO LISTEN TO THIS GUY RIGHT NOW IT SEEMS SUPER IMPORTANT!

'...Ah... Anyway, Pommel is alive, Princess!'

"Oh-"

>HOLY FUCK!? POMMEL IS ALIVE?! NO FUCKING WAY! NO WAY IS POMMEL ALIVE! WOW! CAN'T BELIEVE IT! MIND BLOWN! CADENCE YOU BETTER GO DEAL WITH THAT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT!

"...What? Eighteen, I don't even know who-"

>COME ON! PUBLIC APPEARANCES! GOTTA GO PUT IT IN YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT YOU'RE THE BEST EVEN YOU JUST GOTTA GO LOOK GOOD AND CHIME IN ON THIS POMMEL BEING ALIVE THIS IT'S SUPER IMPORTANT!

"...Well, I do suppose I should at least go say-"

>GOODYESGREATIDEAGODOTHATYOUNEEDTOGODOTHATRIGHTNOW!

'Miss Eighteen? You really do not need to push me too, I don't even-'

>NOTIMEMAKESURESHEGETSTOTHEPORTALDOYOURJOBWHATWEPAYYOUFORAFTERALLAHHAHAHAHAH!

"But didn't you have a question-"

>ME!? NOOOO! COME ON, CADENCE! POMMEL'S ALIVE! FUCKING POMMEL! YOU THINK MY QUESTION MATTERS NEXT TO THAT!? GOGOGOGOGOGOCOMEONYOUGOTTAGOGETGOINGI'LLHANDLETHEPAPERWORKJUSTGO!

"But this is my dressing room-"

SLAM!

She stared long and hard at the now closed door, and did her very best to ignore the bewildered, confused pair of voices on the other side.

>...I'll ask her later, she seems busy.

She nodded to herself, proud of the fact her eye was only kind of twitching in madness.

>...But maaayyybe I should ask for some advice.

Realizing the only way out would mean coming face to face with Cadence again, she turned around...

And promptly threw herself out the window.

...she would remember how to fly later...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________