Guard Pone Shorts (RGMT)

For the Royal Guard Mare Thread


"And who are you lot supposed to be?"
>"We're The Guards!"
"I see that. What I'm asking is, what's wrong with you all?"
>"I'm sorry, sir? I don't understand."
"Come on, there has to be something weird about you. Let me guess, you're all werepones that turn into scary monsters at night."
>"Certainly not!"
"Alright, then you're robots."
>"Do you see doll joints on us anywhere, sir?"
"I got it. You're traps!"
>"Traps?"
"Do you or do you not have a penis, soldier?"
>"W-W-Wha- No! What kind of a question is that to ask a mare?!"
"Oh come on, there has to be something off here. Celestia wouldn't just give me normal guards. Do you at least shoot lasers from your butts?"
>"No."
"Wow, that's uh... that's kind of underwhelming to be honest."
>"Were strange talents required? Oh please sir, don't get rid of us. We really need this gig!"
"Wow, guess the guards are getting desperate for work. I suppose peace isn't profitable even here. Sure, I'd love a little normalcy for once."
>"Oh thank you, sir! You won't regret it!"
"I regret every day of my life."
>THOOM
>What was that?
>CRASH
>Did Sunbutt try using the blender again?
>"W-What's that noise?"
"Sounds to me like terrified screaming!"
>"Shouldn't we go check it out?"
"Nah, typical Friday night. You girls up for pizza?"
>DEMOLITION NOISES
>A mighty roar shakes the foundations
>>"HOOOOMAN!"
>Oh hell, she found out you ate her last Hosstess cupcake
>Turning around to placate the angry sun god, you're instead greeted by a hulking mass of bipedal muscle standing in the rubble of the now conjoined hallways
>Is that a Diamond Dog on roids?
"Uh, can I help you?"
>>"YOU AMBASSADOR ANONYMOUS?"
"Ah hell. Listen, if this is about all those peeing Cupid fountains I commissioned with my likeness on the baby faces-"
>>"ME AM SPOT. DEADSPOT. BUT ME AM ALIVE. YOU NO SOON BE THOUGH."
"Pardon?"
>>"YOU HEAD AM WANTED BY HIGH COUNCIL. REVENGE FOR TAKE SQUEAK TOYS."
>Oh right, you remember
>You had visited Diamondia not long ago to negotiate peace talks with the mud puppers
>After referring to their new queen as a bitch one too many times, she sent the guards after you
>She wanted to quote "gnaw on his tibia"
>You thought that was kind of hot until you realized that meant your legs
>So after crashing into a ball pit during the chase, you ended up riding the colorful orbs down the mountain
>So they want your head for that fiasco?
>Aw, they sent an assassin, how sweet
>Wait, shit, not sweet
>Deadspot removes a massive rifle from his back
>They have guns?!
>When did those idiots even advance technology that far?!
"Hey now, I'm sure we can work something out. I got like, half a box of dog biscuits in my dresser. Sure they're a little stale, but the ducks still eat them... Please don't shoot."
>>"SHOOT? WHAT SHOOT? ME CRUSH!"
>He grips the rifle by its barrel and smashes the butt into one of the porcelain busts lining the hallway
>That is not how you use a gun and that is definitely not how you demonstrate proper trigger discipline
"Fuck. Girls! Time to show me what you can do!"
>"Do? What do you want us to do?!"
"Show me you're worth keeping around! Break out those swords and defend your charge!"
>"We don't know how to use swords!"
"God damn it, there's the catch. Figures you'd all use some strange ass weaponry. What is it this time? A battle tambourine? A kazoo? Whatever, just as long as it works!"
>"Um, Rockin' Riff knows how to play guitar!"
"Fine! Just fight this guy!"
>"Fight?! That wasn't mentioned in the contract! That wasn't part of the audition at all!"
"What the fuck do you mean fighting wasn't in the contract? You're guardsmares, aren't you?!"
>"Wha- No!"
"No?!"
>"We're The Guards!"
"That's what I'm asking! Are you guards or aren't you?!"
>"No, sir! We're THE Guards! That's the name of our pop group!"
>...
>wat
>...
>lik u fukin wat
"You're a pop group? Like singers?"
>"Y-Yes sir, that's what I said."
"No combat experience at all?"
>"I, um, do pilates on the weekend?"
>...It's probably time to get a new princess
>Welp, time to be a man for once in your miserable life
>These cuties sure as hell can't defend themselves let alone your sorry ass
"Stay behind me."
>Turning once again to the enraged mutt, you square your shoulders and put up your dukes
>Alright Anon, fight dirty
>Go for the balls, the eyes, bite him if you have to
>There's sand in your pockets and you're ready to throw down!
>Daddy didn't raise no faggot, even if he sometimes called you one!
>"Sir? You're really gonna fight him?"
"What other choice is there? I'm not going to let you get hurt because of Celestia's attempts to drive me crazy."
>"Sir... you can do it! We believe in you, don't we girls?!"
>The squad of idol mares who will remain unnamed due to having no other consequence on events all give shouts of encouragement
>"We'll cheer you on, sir!"
>They all begin chanting your name, helmet plumes bouncing with their movements as their way-too-short plated skirts sway back and forth leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination
>Seriously, what even is the point in wearing clothes?
>As they shout and pep you up for the fight, you begin to feel pumped
>Yeah, yeah! You can do this!
>Is this their special talent or something? Empowering others through song and dance?
>Did the princess actually assign you the pony equivalent of the Elite Beat Agents?
>This feels good, having your own cheer squad of qt mares
>With them at your back you feel ready to take on the world!
"Alright you sonofabitch! Get ready for the 'ol Anon haymak-"
>You're cut off as a giant, meaty paw slams into your face and sends you flying right off your feet
>Spinning through the air and colliding with a wall, your vision begins to darken and you realize all too late you're a fucking idiot
>Why did you think this would go any other way?
>Fucking Celestia
>You wake up, staring blearily at a hospital ceiling, the typical stench of disinfectant and misery stinging your nose
>"Sir! Thank goodness you're alright!"
>Mumbling unintelligibly, you feel a cool glass of water pressed to your lips
>After taking a gulp you manage to rasp out a response
"How long was I out?"
>"You've been unconscious for a little over 4 hours. That Diamond Dog really gave you quite the lump."
"Are you and the girls okay?"
>"We're just fine, sir. Not a scratch on any of us."
"What happened after he knocked me out?"
>"The um, real guards came soon after and subdued him. For an assassin he wasn't very bright. He just used the palace front doors and ran through everypony to get to you."
>Wow, and you thought the guards you had before were terrible
>To think, if only you had cowered a few seconds more you wouldn't be in this position right now
"I'm just glad you're safe."
>"That's the thing, sir. He never intended to harm any of us. Your bravery, while commendable, was a little in vain."
>Of course
>Leaning over, she plants a tiny kiss on your cheek
>"Thank you for trying though."
>The two of you share a grin before she hops off her chair
"Where are you going?"
>"I need to report back to the acting captain for reassignment. This incident didn't really leave us in a good light. We're not real guards, after all." she replies, a little downtrodden
>Oh no, you were just starting to get used to the idea of having your own idol group at your beck and call
>"The girls and I left you a little get well card on the dresser."
>You turn to see the open card with brightly colored scribbles adorning its surfaces, and smile
>"Good night sir. Have a good rest."
>With that, the door closes, leaving you in silence
>Well, that was certainly an exciting night
>Thank god the perp's been dealt with
>Maybe you'll finally get some peace and quiet from here on-
>The door slams open and in walks the glorious sun ass herself
>"Anonymous!"
"Sun horse."
>"I'm so sorry to hear what happened. I never thought there would be an actual attempt on your life. I mean really, who would find you that important a target?"
"Fuck you."
>"Oh don't take that tone with me, Anon. I said I was sorry, didn't I? Don't worry, although your current guards have signed on with a different agency, I already have a new squadron lined up and ready for you."
"Please, no more guards."
>"Anon, this is serious. Because of this attack, I made sure to employ equally as serious guards to keep you safe from harm. Gentlecolts, if you would."
>From behind her, four new ponies enter the room, taking up positions in the corners, their black uniforms contrasting harshly with the white walls, stern expressions on their painted faces
>Regarding them for but a moment, you look Celestia in the eye, staring deeply into the void of her soul, for you know she has none
"Celestia."
>"Yes, Anonymous?"
"Those are mimes."
>"Yes, of course they are. And they shall vanquish your foes with the power of imagination!"
>She smiles widely at you and you wish you could burn her with your unfettered rage
"I hate you."
>>"That's what you get for taking my cupcakes, bitch."
>About-facing gracefully, she turns and exits the door
>Two of the mimes approach your bed, one offering you a tube of Preparation H while the other mimics a sad trombone with his hooves
>Fucking Celestia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Day Noble Intentions on Earth
>Be Guard Post
>The TV flickers in your tiny room as you reach for another slice of pizza
>With the lights out, the glowing box is all that keeps your eyes focused as you begin to gnaw on a cold slice and search aimlessly for the remote
>It has been better for the past year, you think, being on Earth
>You let out a small burp and pat your slight belly bump before rolling to the other side of the couch
>You have volunteered thinking that it was a great chance to get away from all the hardships of Princess Celestia’s rule, but have not found it as easy as you would have liked since arriving
>Sure, you don’t have to scrub the barracks or do dishes
>Sure, you aren’t being called to hold back Timberwolf raids or quiet down local riots
>While those issues are in the past, new Earth-related challenges have become concerning
>For one, the pizza delivery guy doesn’t honour your expired coupons since you are deemed a, “Moocher”
>Then, your favorite show was cancelled right when Marie and John were going to elope and start their Jam-Smuggling ring in Costa Rica
>Now to make matters worse, you’ve lost the remote and have to manually change channels!
>Truly, these are dire times for a pony who is as vigilant as you
>A knock at your door snaps you out of your funk as you roll from the couch and onto your hooves
>Opening the door reveals a tall stallion in shinnying, golden armour
>”Guard Post” his powerful voice begins, “I am glad to finally have found you here.”
>You salute smartly to your commander and focus on his eyes for the moment
“Yes, sir, just staying alert and ready, sir!”
>He sighs and looks around your tiny room, “Is that a stack of pizza boxes with your uniform on it?”
>You chuckle nervously and look towards the floor
“I was just about to polish it, sir.”
>”Well, make sure you look spiffy for tomorrow! The Princess will be here and you know the layout of the Royal Quarters.”
“Yes, sir, I’ve been guarding them for years now.”
>You smile and bob your head, as if to get some kind of approval
>”Just… Take a bath and be ready at 0600…”
“Awww, in the morning?”
>He stamps his hoof before you and you tremble lightly
>”Yes, in the morning! This is the Princess we’re talking about here!”
“Alright, jeez, it’s just so early” you groan slowly as you rub some pizza grease from your muzzle
>The commander looks a bit tired and you offer him a slice of some delicious Earth pizza
>Just as you had hoped, he rejects the offer and bids you a good evening
>You close the door and think about all the things you have to do to be ready for tomorrow
>Planning is a lot of work, you think, as you begin to turn the couch cushions in search of the remote
>If only somep0ny else could set a schedule for you
>But, you might not get paid and Earth is super-big on having money
>It is almost hard to believe, but you need money just to live in a place and more money for food
>You suddenly find the remote tucked safely in the recesses of the couch and snatch it up
>Unicorns think they’re so cool with their horns, but remotes equalize the playing field when it comes to watching TV!
>Tomorrow will be easy, you ponder as you reach for another slice of pizza
>You’ll go to bed right after you see how your new favorite show ends
>The next day
>You feel awful waking up so early
>Between Brad and Cindy breaking up and having to polish your gear, you’ve barely slept all night
>Even worse, the elevator is out of order so you need to walk down nearly three flights of Human stairs
>You consider passing out in the carriage as it takes you to your destination today, but that might be difficult if any pony else is riding along
>The morning air is cool on your face as you exit the building and you shiver once before the carriage pulls up
>As the door opens, you see your commander and already dread being in this confined space
>”Good morning, Post, glad you could make it.”
>You grunt something that sounds like a pleasantry and climb in
>The ride begins as the commander gives you some interesting news
>”We have spotted a Human we think is trying to attack the Princess, though we have no motive yet.”
“What’s he look like?”
>”Well, he’s sort of… Human-y, you know, fairly ordinarily human in size and shape. This human has one distinction, as you can see.”
>You look over the picture carefully
>It is true all humans look the same, but this particular human is very familiar to you
“I know this one. Are you sure he’s after the Princess?”
>”We are sure, he has been saying some fairly dangerous things that our intelligence officers have picked up. Where do –you- know him from?”
“This is the guy who delivers pizza. The Pizza Dude, if you will, sir.”
>The commander holds his chin and thinks carefully, “Pizza Dude… Hmm, yes. We must watch for this Human. Do you think he may be able to disguise himself?”
“I’ve once seen him down a whole Bud Light in a single gulp!”
>Your commander looks at you harshly, “What does that have to do with my question?”
“I… You got me.”
>”As well, you’ve been spying on him?”
“I mean, kind of…”
>You suddenly realize you should not talk about fraternizing with possible terrorists
“… Like, I order pizza and he drops them off sometimes. I think he’s alright, not like cool or anything. He’s like… Alright to watch movies with sometimes.”
>”By the rays of the sun! You’ve consorted with him!?”
“Aww, commander, I didn’t know he might be after the Princess. He’s just some dork who does a job and sometimes he looks like a sad dog and I’m like, ‘Sad dogs are sad and junk’ and you can’t just…”
>The commander cuts you off with a quick slash of his hoof
>”Enough! You will be beside Princess Celestia for this entire day. You may just be the perfect buffer between the Princess and this maniac.”
>Damn, you just earned yourself double-duty
“Right, sir. Being the buffer, sir.”
>You come to an abrupt stop and find yourself in an alleyway
>”Follow me, we’ll be taking a special back entrance into the palace.”
>You shrug and do as you’re told
>When you arrive inside, everything is as you remember from the last time you worked here
>Shiny gold vases litter the halls as long red carpets adorn every floor and marble columns stretch to the vaulted ceilings
>This place is cool or whatever, but it doesn’t get cable
>You walk for what feels like ever across the grand palace until you come upon the throne room
>”You will stand at this doorway and make sure none enter without the proper clearance.”
“Yes, sir, and what is that?”
>”A gold insignia that Princess Celestia herself has passed out to those she will meet today.”
>You go about the routine you’ll perform until the commander whisks you off to the safe house to meet with the Princess
>It is surprisingly, or irresponsibly, close to the palace and you arrive in good time as the sun begins to rise overhead
>Unlike in Equestria, Earth’s sun just does whatever it wants and the temperature cannot be adjusted
>It was once nearly 32 degrees for, like, no reason and you remember sleeping in the refrigerator
>As you enter the safe house, a few more Royal Guard members from Equestria look you over
>”Princess Celestia, we have arrived to see you safely into the palace” your commander says valiantly
>The Princess simply smiles and turns to the door, “Oh, so soon?”
>You walk out before her and the others surround her to form a safety circle
>The trip to the palace is uneventful as it usually is
>Still, you can’t help but feel strange about the pizza guy information
>Could he really be a threat to the Princess?
>He’s hardly good enough to best you at Street Fighter and you don’t even have thumbs
>Regardless, you take up position at the front and begin the humdrum activity of checking in royal guests
>A foppish pony appears and quickly presents his insignia
>You salute him in and then slouch against your spear
>A sigh escapes you as you daydream about something else
>Maybe Jose and Linda finally get back together after their breakup in season 2 and go on those adventures in the Himalayas like they always dreamed about
>Your happy thought is interrupted by another pony of questionable nobility as he flashes his insignia and trots ahead of you
>This goes on for what you believe is an eternity before you stomach grumbles
>The coast is clear, so you wave your commander over
>He quickly leaves the Princess’ side and speaks quickly
>”What is it, Post? Have you seen the suspect?”
“Uh, no, everything’s pretty good. I was wondering when lunch was?”
>He seems flustered as he talks, “Post, lunch is at lunch time. We set aside an entire time of the day for that. It’s barely 1000.”
“I see, guess it was just a long morning… When’s breakfast?”
>The commander gets red in the face before storming off to the Princess
>You thought it was a solid question, but whatever
>The “rush” comes again as a small queue of ponies begins to form
>The first three show their insignia and move along, but the next decided to make you work harder
“Hail to the glorious light of Her majesty. State your business.”
>”I’m her to see the Princess, she’s expecting me.”
“Name, occupation, and reason, please.”
>”George Sugarhoof, baker, I was told the Princess needed a baker for her royal court and here I am!”
>His grin is almost as saccharine as you would expect from a baker
“The Princess is only seeing those with a royal insignia that was distributed earlier in the month. Do you have one?”
>”Well, I had one, you see, but I think I misplaced it on my walk over here. If you just let me in…”
>He attempts to step over the threshold, but you aren’t on guard duty for nothing
>You expertly drop your spear to halt him and forcefully slide him back
“Sir, you –need- an insignia to meet with the Princess today. She is very busy and only speaking strictly with a chosen few.”
>George attempts to reason and bargain with you, but you are too genre-savvy for this nonsense
“On behalf of the royal court, under the power of Princess Celestia, I banish you from these royal halls. Leave now or be made to leave against you volitions.”
>The stallion snorts once before turning and taking off
>Jeez, you are totally earning this paycheck
>The remaining ponies scoff and pock at the riffraff who was taking up their turn
>Thankfully, they all have insignias and the day returns to your preferred level of effort
>Sometime later, about noon-o’clock, you notice a different crowd begins to move in
>Humans! There are more than ten Humans lining up at your gate
>This is more than a strange sight, you think, but maybe warranted?
“Hail to the glorious light of Her majesty. State your business.”
>The Human produces the golden insignia that you’ve come to recognize and sort of smiles with you
>You slowly look over his face before letting him pass
>The next few humans seem to be dressed in possible royal attire for Humans
>Dark coloured clothing with red ties and white shirts makes them all look suspiciously the same
>They approach, bare their insignia, and move along in as orderly a fashion as Humans can
>A Human dressed in an ill-fitting outfit approaches and you give her your speech
>”Well, I’m on vacation here and heard the Princess of you little ponies is around and I just wanted a picture with her.”
“Princess Celestia is only meeting with a select few ponies and, um, Humans today. Do you have an insignia?”
>”Oh, I didn’t know I needed one. It’s only a picture.”
“On behalf of the royal court, under the power of Princess Celestia, I banish you from these royal halls. Leave now or be made to leave against you volitions.”
>”You know, if you ponies weren’t so rude, people would probably like you more.”
>This Human attempts to pass you, but you block her path
“If you do not move, you –will- be moved!”
>The Human stomps out in a rush before you return to your post
>You should really ask for a raise with this much work happening
>A few more royal-ish Humans comply and you allow them entry before you see him
>The Human on the poster, the pizza delivery guy… Anonymous!
>He is up next and you worry that he might be crazier than you thought
>Dude eats pineapple with jalapeno on his pizza like some Moon-brained Lunatic, who knows what else he’s really capable of
>You look around to make sure nop0ny is within earshot before closing in with Anon
“What are you doing here, man? Don’t you know that the royal court spies have dirt on you?”
>”Dirt on me? Also, you guys have spies?”
“Yeah, they’re the best in the business!”
>Anon mulls the thought over for a moment before looking back to you, “Wait, it wasn’t that bright pink pony who came in to the pizzeria with the surveys, was it?”
“Eh, what was her cutie mark?”
>”Like, some papers and a magnifying glass.”
>Oh shi~! He saw through our best spy!
“Yeah, but, ok, never mind! You got to leave, like, yesterday!”
>”I’m supposed to meet the Princess today. You told me to, remember?”

>You stop for the moment and think

>In a flashback
>Be Guard Post
“Dude, this pizza is the best thing I’ve ever had. You should totally come to the Royal Palace on Mane Street and meet Celestia. Ponies need to know about this.”
>”Pfft, are you drunk already?”
“Shut up and pass me another cider, so I can beat you with Chun-Li slaps again!”
>”Yeah right. I’m playing Bison this round.”

>Back to the present moment
>Be a stunned Guard Post
“Look, I might have been a little tipsy that night…”
>”… I’ll say…”
“… But, I didn’t realize this was a special event. You need this insignia to get in.”
>Anon produces the golden insignia and your mouth hits the floor
“How’d you get that?!”
>”I found it while walking here and picked it up. Looked neat.”
>You think back to George Sugarhoof’s plea from earlier and cringe
“But, like, what did you say that my commander thinks you are trying to harm the Princess?”
>”I don’t really know. Ponies are really sensitive sometimes.”
“That’s not true, you butt.”
>He laughs for a moment and you try to decide what to do
“OK, we’re going to walk in and you’re going to stay behind me. No sudden moves. State your business loud and clear. OK?”
>”Right.”
>You and Anon cross the threshold and come upon your commander
“Sir, this is Anonymous. As you can see, he was invited to this event as he has an insignia.”
>The commander looks sternly at you and his piercing orange eyes bore into your head
>It is too long for your taste before he pulls out a list of recorded things Anonymous has said
>”So, Mr… Anonymous? We have information here that says you may wish to hurt the Crown and Her subjects.”
>”That doesn’t sound like me…”
>”You will speak when I deem it necessary!”
>The commander’s horn glows furiously as a chair slides under Anon and forces him to sit
>”Now… It says here you wish to –go- to Equestria. Is that right?”
>”Uh, yes, I was hoping to expand my business.”
>”And what, pray tell, is this business of yours?”
>”I make pizza. It’s really good, um, with ponies. Or, uh, with one pony.”
>Anon looks to you and you stammer a bit
“Y-you must have other customers? How could you keep a business running just selling me pizzas!?”
>”You kind of buy a pizza every day. Sometimes two…”
>”… Enough!” the commander turns his attention to you, “Is this true? Do you know this Human via such junk foods?”
“I mean, like, yeeeaaahhhh” you groan slightly, “But, he’s been pretty alright.”
>The commander paces lightly before Anonymous and reads off the list
>”You seem to have no records of hostility towards ponies in this city, yet our agent discovered that you would, and I quote, ‘Freeze the Princess along with himself’ if given the opportunity?”
>”Chill, dude.”
>”I most certainly will not! We will not have this affront to our Princess…”
“… I think he means he would, ‘Chill’ with the Princess, sir.”
>The commander looks over the note, “Hmm, perhaps that makes sense. I don’t see a horn on this one. It would be impossible to use ice magic. Do we know if Humans can use ice magic, Post?”
“From my research, not this one, sir.”
>You wink to Anonymous quickly
>”Finally, it says you gave our agent a brownie as a bribe to not disclose the fact that you serve cooked and dried meats in your establishment. What do you have to say for yourself?”
>”I gave her a brownie because she stared at them for the entire conversation.”
>You cut in for the moment with concern
“Sir, do we have a rule against the consumption of meats?”
>”Well, no, but isn’t it suspicious? Just look at his teeth! It’s like a shark made love to dragon and this was the result.”
“Commander, I think you are being a little unfair to Anonymous…”
>”Remember you rank, soldier! I am here to protect the Princess from all threats! It is my duty to ensure Her safety while in this place! I will not be…”
>The main hall door bursts open to reveal the Princess of the Sun in the flesh!
>”P-P-Princess Celestia!”
>The commander bows quickly and you do your best to keep up
>”At ease, my little ponies” her voice is graceful and calming, “I heard a commotion and was coming to see if some trouble had arisen.”
>She quickly scans over Anonymous and smiles
>”Oh, are you here to bring me gifts as well? You Humans are interestingly polite.”
>Anonymous stands to his feet and nervously rocks on his heels
>”Um, no, your Princess-liness. I’ve actually came here to ask, well, for a business loan.”
>The Princess in all her height and glory approaches Anon
>Her horn comes up to about the top of Anon’s head as she stands near him
>”Hmm, you come to ask –me- for a gift today?”
>The commander grits his teeth and looks ready to pounce Anonymous before the Princess begins to chuckle
>”Well, it is refreshing to give. Come, let us walk and talk. My wings need to stretch after sitting around all day and delegating.”
>Your commander’s eyes widen as he whistles for the remaining guards to surround the Princess
>Princess Celestia looks over to you before smiling
>”Guard Post, is it?”
“Yes, Princess Celestia?”
>”You wouldn’t happen to know of anywhere to eat around here, would you?”
>You smile widely and nod to Anonymous
“I can personally verify that Anonymous here makes the best pizza in town. Fit for royalty, even!"
>”Oh, pizza fit for royalty… I would very much enjoy trying that. Oh, but Commander Steadfast probably would not wish to partake in so much, ‘Junk food’, would he?”
>The Princess smiles faintly and cranes her neck around to look at the commander
>”Uh, uh, of course! I mean, it is important to indulge in snack foods now and again! Everything in moderation, as I always say! Ha ha ha.”
>He nervously pitters off as you begin to leave
>Princess Celestia unfolds her mighty wings and displays them proudly with a few shakes
>”Ah, the warm sun feels nice… So, tell me, Anonymous, what do you wish to bring to Equestria for my ponies?”
>Anon talks excited about pizza technique and his special blends as you make your way to the restaurant
>Today went better than expected, you think
>Who doesn’t like free pizza?

~End
=======================================================================================================================================
>”Hey Silver,”
>Your ears perk up at the mention of your name, and you look over to see your charge, Anon, seated across from you in a quiet recessed booth all the way at the very back of the janky little restaurant you two had found yourself in for dinner.
>”What uh— what are sex laws like in Equestria?”
>Sex laws?
>You stare at him dumbly for a few seconds, blinking as you mull over his words in your head.
>Any other mare might have blushed at such a question, but not you.
>You always were a little bit of an autist though, never one to pick up on the more subtle social cues that surely must have been there to set off other mares, and besides; it was far too late for any of that kind of bullshit right now.
>You're bored, tired, and you're ready for dinner, damn it!
>You don't have the will to play games or try to put on a little act for him, so you just kind of... answer the question.
“Well, they're pretty normal, I guess.”
>Your voice sounded tepid against the ambient noise of the restaurant behind you.
“Rape and molestation are illegal, no bucking in public, that sort of thing.”
>You watch his face for any sign that he'll speak up and ask you something a little more specific.
>He says nothing, but you're pretty sure you know exactly what he wants to hear anyway, so you cut right to the chase.
“Sex between ponies and other species isn't illegal, if that's what you're wondering.”
>Nothing.
>He just wears that same pensive look as he avoids your eyes.
“It's not exactly common, or even widely accepted, but you won't get in any trouble with the law over it.”
>You pick up your mug of cider and take a swig.
>Not supposed to be drinking on duty, but who cares?
>This was more of a city tour than a protection detail anyway, and if Anon didn't care, YOU sure as Tartarus weren't gonna make a fuss.
“Just make sure they're of age first. Used to be that if a pony had their mark, they were considered an adult. Law's changed recently though.”
>You lean forward in your seat, closer to Anon, whispering conspiratorially at him.
“Gotta be at least 14 years now, a cutie mark won't cut it anymore.”
>Glancing out of the both to make sure there isn't anypony there to listen in on your conversation, you keep going.
“Fillies and colts been getting their cutie marks earlier and earlier lately. All the chemicals they're putting in the water.”
>Giving Anon a curt nod, you sit back up in your seat and take another swig.
>woke af
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