OnTheEdge

Brittany Wallace

On the Edge

Sometimes people have tough times and think there is no other way out. That little voice in the back of their minds saying "Just end it", sometimes that voice wins and sometimes it becomes so overwhelming. I use to believe suicide was the only answer to end a miserable life. I will be talking about how coming close to suicide has changed my life and effected the way I look at life.
In the book Being wrong by Kathryn Schulz she goes over the ignorance of people and how people’s beliefs can fail us. When it came to growing up I didn't have the people to model my beliefs around. My mother was always working constantly, and my dad well let’s just say he use to drink a lot, he was also abusive. My depression started when I was about 10 and still ignorant about life and how things worked. My parents fought a lot and eventually got a divorce (which now is a great thing) but back then I always thought it was my fault my family fell apart. I remember when my mom told my dad about the divorce he started yelling and became an even meaner to my mother. My dad also started threatening to run away with us kids. My mom had to lock us in her room for the night and we ended up staying a few nights at a friend’s house while my dad packed up and left. My depression got out of hand at about the age 12. Growing up it was only My two younger sisters and I. We needed each other and were the only things we had. I was still suffering with my parents’ divorce and the guilt of feeling like it was my fault grew. I at one point tried to kill myself and would have done it if I didn't have my two younger sisters.
Throughout middle school and high school was when I had depression and suicidal thoughts a lot. I saw how hard my mom struggled with being a single parent of 3 kids. I also got to see how much it tore my dad apart not being able to see his kids as much. There are plenty of times where I saw them both cry and times where my dad would hug us and tell us how much he missed us. These moments always killed me a little bit on the inside. It brought back the feelings of it being my fault that they got a divorce and the reason my dad would be sad and not be able to see us as much.
Depression is something I feel people take as a joke, but it’s a real serious mental disorder. A lot of people are oblivious to this disorder and what it means. Depression is something that makes you feel like an empty shell like there is nothing that could ever make you feel good or happy. It’s a weight on your life, it makes you not want to get out of bed most days, or socialize with people. Some people don’t even leave
their houses because of how much it controls their lives. It isn’t a good feeling to have and I couldn’t imagine having it any worse than what I have now. And sadly, some people do have it worse and can go through with suicide.
Now as an adult I still suffer from depression, but I am not as ignorant about life as I use to be.
I came to realize with growing up you get people who depend on you and people who you make a difference on. This may not be true for all but for me it was, I have two younger sisters who needed me and who I needed. I also have come across a lot of positive people in my life who make me happy and give me reason to strive for better. Also with growing up and becoming more mature I have noticed nothing is perfect, life is far from perfect. I Am lucky to wake up every morning and lucky to have family, friends people who care about me. I am lucky for a lot of things and I’m grateful for my life and everything in it.
	Growing up with a messed up and broken family I had this model in my head that, that was how life was going to be always messed up and broken. As I got older that model changed and molded into something different. Life is truly what you make it, if you surround yourself in negative and dark things that’s how you will feel. If you surround yourself in positive and light you’re going to be much better off. But life is never perfect and never will be perfect we will always have dark and light patches in our lives, and that’s part of life. We all have different ways in dealing with life and the rough patches we go through.
	People in my life have changed my life around a whole 180, I still suffer from depression and probably will for the rest of my life. I have learned how to deal with it in a non-destructive way and without wanting to commit suicide. My beliefs in thinking suicide was the answer have completely changed, I know now that it isn’t a solution to a temporary problem.