moonyToday at 12:50 AM
well
I'm getting extremely tired of being told the exact same things and blamed for people leaving or being demoted
I need some assurance that this is going to resolve in a solution and game plan
If not, I'm not going to come online to repeately rehash situations where I am the villian and being isolated and blamed for team decisions. It's also difficult to feel like he wants to set up this system all bc of nana as if her situation is universal, and she was wronged and held to an unreasonable standard and bullied, and that her modding and demodding was all me and my decision.
This entire idea of you both groveling to her and her being an example of how we should cater and rework the entire server is a concept and feeling that I'm simply unwilling to continue engaging in.
Are you still here? or has everyone gone to bed on another unresolved shitty note.
moonyToday at 1:07 AM
I read your black hole. I don't know what to think and I'm intensely sorry you're hurt but everything seems disposable to me too, especially learning how disposable and convenient I am to fit peoples needs.
moonyToday at 1:20 AM
The team, and the people I care about the most and have been the closest with also think that I am the reason that people left the server, and that I disagree with everyone else, and that is reason things happen. I am apparently responsible for Nana (as in I mistreated her or treated her unfairly), I am apprently the reason Eli was demoted and left and consequently left, according to Charlie and Nana and Eli and likely Lauren. I am now possibly responsible for Hellfire leaving bc I am the one who solely decided not to warn or take action on Zero and I made unfair unsubstanciated propositions and actions. Apparenly I do things that a lot of people complain about and I am in need of being defended, but I honestly am completely ignorant to those situations. I'm apparenly so on the outs with you are charlie that you both spoke to nana and held face and maintained her friendship and keep her up to date on how I was the one solely controlling her roles on the server,  yet it's unfair for me to say that I was thrown under the bus. Every single decision lately seems to result in an argument and I am basically villianized for what I believe or don't believe in. If I don't fit with the way you and charlie want things and I'm in the way of you keeping your friends and responsible for kicking them off the server and apparently basically demanding that people always be professional and having little to no tolerance for any display of mental illness. Apparently I should keep everyone to a different standard than our rules and not hold anyone responsible for their actions even if the reason is being mentally ill considerin we've only said and learneed and taught the mods that from day one. Because I'm apparently the unfair unforgiving one who writes someone off after one mistake or issue or situation.
moonyToday at 5:16 AM
Now, recently with this Nana situation, Charlie again throw in my face how Nana was mistreated and wronged by me and that is why she left. He then said/insinuated that I am apparently also the reason Eli left and that I am responsible for those decisions and actions bc I don't tolerate any display of mental illness, and I do not forgive mistakes or give people chances (when I immediately did and apologized to them for things I later realized should be the other way around or at least mutual). Apparently I do not forgive or make genuine attempts to rebuild. Then to learn that nana has been told things about me that were shared in confidence. She was told that I was hesistent and was the main reason that she was not modded sooner, and the following that, that I was apparently advocating we demod her for "months." During those months I had made serious strides with her and put a lot of effort into listening to you and respecting your opinion and friendship and what you see in her, and also reaching out to her and talking to her and even opening up to have her and charlie and others join pusheen when you're well aware I'm closed off in those ways.
To then later learn that that entire time she was also being told that I was wanted to actively demod her ofc she is going to take personally especially when it's you guys feeding her the information. I also see no reason that she would be told that and ofc she is going to hate me and think that I was being disengenuious if she thought I was personally bashing her and her modding while also being nice and reaching out. Not only did that happen and has been happening for quite a while, but this is being used against me even now as if I am the villian in this entire situation. As if this is my shortcomings and fault that nana left and it was my decision and view that demodded her while you both wanted her to stay. This is not assumptions this is what happened to the best of my knowledge based on what you and charlie have told me, and what nana said and shared that I read and makes logical sense. a
moonyToday at 5:36 AM
I felt that I was thrown under the bus is a lot of ways around that situation. After discussing and sharing my thoughts with you I immediately made a pastebin to show charlie and come to a conclusion with all of us. Charlie did not really respond, and we didn't finish discussing it or make any final decisions. The next morning you decided to demod her over private vc. You then informed us and charlie said that he felt it was wrong and only bc I felt that we should. You agreed initially and responded to his asking why we did it, by saying  I don't know. I think charlie was under the impression that I was aware that was happening or did happen that morning and I defended myself saying that I shared the pastebin and intended to discuss and confirm it and decide how we were gonna execute if we were. You told me that morning that if you didn't do it, I would have. That very much felt to me like throwing me under the bus as if again I was the only reason the deicision was made and it was not fair or based on evidence. It also affirms in our three person group dynamic that you act bc of me on things you disagree with. You and charlie then came to the final conclusion that you both didn't know why or have a good eenough reason to demod her and you immediately went back to nana and again had a private conversation apparently groveling to get her to come back, which no wonder she felt I again was the one making you speak to her initially bc she knows you and charlie don't agree and you now went back on your entire conversation. Following that situation, nana again made poor decisions and acted inappropriately and it was decided that we should demod her. I did that bc I felt less emotionally attached and was clear enough to articulate it. I took all responsibility during that conversation and defended you both and didn't leave room for her to insult you and get away with it nor was I mean to her. I was told I was a snake and bully.
moonyToday at 5:50 AM
You were very upset, rightfully so, and I supported you through that shit time where she was cruel to you. The next day she talks to you again and you share the conversation with me. You share that she thinks I am mind controlling you and you share that she said I chase people off the server. I learn that she knows that I was hesistent to mod her initially and that for "months" I was advocating demodding her. I was really upset and taken back by reading that. I learned that you guys had been talking to her about me and about what we discussed professionally from the very beginning.  I felt like I was thrown under the bus which I shared with you. You insistently told me that I was misreading the conversation and that I was being hurtful and unfair and yelling at you for being bad a lot. You insinuated that you in no way threw me under the bus or did something that warrented my upset. I mentioned how you confirmed information that she should not have had and was spoken in assumed confidence, and you proceeded to affirm that I was only one person and in that context,that I was one person who did personally like her or treat her well and that I did not welcome her and would not welcome her back. I was isolated from you and charlie and painted as the opposition to her remaining on the team and thee only one pushing for the decision and resulting in the action. I remained upset and increasingly so bc you seemed to think that saying or confirming that was not something that indicated throwing me under the bus or putting me in an unfair position. You consistently told me things like well it was true as if that negated the fact that she even had that information and again that confirming it is not calling me out. You also said that she knew those things simply bc she was a very perceptive person who reads people so well.
moonyToday at 6:02 AM
It is simply impossible that she knew those things for that reason, and I was made to feel like I was crazy and that she simply picked up on that considering what I wrote above in regard to my acutal interactions and actions towards her in the past few months which have only been positive. You told me that it isn't ok or right for me to say that you threw me under the bus or didn't have my back bc you defended me a lot, and bc you defended me later in that conversation by simply saying that it was all three of us who made the decision, which also again does not affect you saying that yes leila was the one who didn't want to mod you and wanted to demod you but she is only one person.  I also did not read the remainder of that conversation bc you didn't want to share it so I don't have an exact reference. I was so upset bc I kept being told that I was misreading and that I didn't have a right to feel like I was thrown under the bus or not supported or to tell you that bc it wasn't the case.
I got more and more upset bc I felt like I was being made to be the crazy one when it is objectively evident based on that conversation how things went down, what was known, what was said, what was confirmed. It felt like saving face with Nana was more important and in your profuse apologizing it perplexed and confirmed to me that you thought all of us and you inculded were in the wrong and again I have never seen a conversation where she admitted fault. I know that you love me and support me but that situation imo is being thrown under the bus and being mislead and not defended, when you just a few days before un demodded her bc you guys thought it was unfair and my fault and I said go ahead bc I did not want to be blamed for that. And yet again, it played out, and I was blamed. I know that as we dicsussed things you said that you did understand but for such a massive part of that conversation you tried to convince me that was I was seeing in the situation was false and I felt weird to be in a position where I felt like you out of all people were making me think I'm crazy and not reacting appropriately and missing context or facts.
moonyToday at 6:16 AM
I know after a while you said that you did understand even if you still didn't think that what you said was throwing me under the bus for lack of a better teerm to reference, but you kept responding with but it was true, and that I defend you so much and it's not fair to say that I didn't in a conversation that literally tells and shows me that you guys talk to nana about private stuff both server and personal which I was ignorant to and tells me that even after everything you would talk to her how you did and about me in the light it was painted. I know you felt bad and I am also sorry for hurting you in any way, but the entire situation still reads the same way to me and I feel that if I were (which I wouldn't) share it to someone else objectively I would be supported simply bc of the words I read. In the same conversation you told me that you have to defend me a lot and that I do a lot of things that you defend me in that I do not know at all. But the thing is I am clearly ignorant and I would still like to know what those situations are rather than having them leak out in someones resentment towards me. After all of this and after having such a draining and stressful conversation that didn't even seem to end on like a true mutual understanding or positive end.
I was mostly upset bc I felt like you didn't actually get that it was bad or think or agree with me that it was wrong to do and was not having someones back, and it's not that I want you to just apologize nor do I want or ask you to grovel, but really bc I just wanted more than anything for you to actually see eye to eye and to actually get what I meant and why I was so upset bc it was such a massive deal to me and speaks so highly to loyality and friendship in my mind. I am truly not any better than you Jess and I fuck up and I have done fucked up things and I am sorry. But I just wanted someone to understand why I felt totally fucked over.  To follow up, after thinking and coming to a good base decision I could take off on and I've literally already forgiven you and I almost don't care except that I wanted to write this out as clearly and I can with the situation itself and situations and discussions leading up to it so I can just feel like I got it out.
Following last night I come on today and discuss stuff in exec biz and then charlie presents an idea that I disagree with and voice my disagreement and he clearly references Nanas situation, and then finally admits to referencing that situation and speaks genuinely instead of passive aggresiveely and he pretty much flat out blames me for Nana being mistreated or unfairly treated or unfairly demodded and being the reason she left, and then after that to even throw in that I also did the same thing with Eli, and that both of them leaving is my fault. Afteer you telling me that Nana said I chased people off of the server I am connecting the pieces and know that things are said behind my back and I'm being thrown under the bus as a coworker and also a friend. This all stemmed from me disagreeing with an idea I simply do not like or want or support, and Charlie displaying his current resentful and true feelings. I know you weree stoned and tired so you wern't present, but following my response to what Charlie said and him stating that I want a peer run team but I do not allow for people to make mistakes or show mental illness and that is his friends left or why people are let go or leave or maybe according to him and nana and eli are bullied out by me.
I don't know how else to feel except ostracized and blamed for all of these massive things. And it happens seemingly like all the time and its clearly not productive and I'm clearly the one on the outs.
And now ofc I wrote something in exxec biz and nobody read it and responded and likely never will
moonyToday at 6:33 AM
I'm just infuriated at this point that this Nana situation is being presented to me consistently as if she is the victim and she was treatly unfairly and she was held to an unreasonable standard or above what we expect of anyone who wants to participate on the server while painting me as the bad guy, and not just that, but talking to nana and telling her this shit which apparently to the both of you was not at all messed up.  And also pisses me off that she was never really confronted with or held respondible for any of her actions and I stil have never once seen her accept fault and not automatically blame others or call them bullies, and mean, and snakes, and all this other shit that is so far from reality. I feel like her demodding that I headed was the most real conversation and most accountable she has been and she didn't want to go over any evidence and automatically felt was completely unfair and again something that was done to her when she is perfect and it's everyone else whos deceptive. Somehow I again in the picture am painted as someone who acts one way to her and says shit behind her back as if what I say about server situations is me shit talking her and I'm just sitting over here in the fucking dark while you guys are all telling her shit like she's an exex and discussing what I personally think or say or do or feel.
I can't work like this and I don't know of a solution bc I feel like as I'm trying to move past things and work on them this is the consistent result
where I'm ignored by my team when I present things or anwer or respond to them and talked about to other team members about what is said about them by me behind my back :blobupsidedown:
I just wanted to get that all out so you don't have to read it and I'm not writing it to make you upset I just want to type out how it went down in my experience so we can either move past it or not and figure out what to do
moonyToday at 6:45 AM
which I thought I did last night and I worked and thought about but got completely triggered by a thousand after todays convo with charlie presenting anonymous modding, basically to remedy what he feels was the reason that Nana was demodded which is in his mind only bc she also used the server as a member and for support lol and she made good decisions and acted fairly and objectively and nicely to members and she didn't yell at people over vc and yell at them in mod channels and snap and people and center in all these drama filled messy situations and complain about every mod decision and act like everyone should kneel at her feet bc she is a mod and claim that she is always bullied by everyone in all her life but she is the victim in all these situations and is not mean to others and does not instigate and make things personal and escalate situations and make members and mods uncomfortable and we don't ever get complaints about her and if we do it's brushed off as someone elses problem and simply her using the server and being a mod. And clearly she was reassured by you and charlie that she was entitled to all of that and that others should apologize to her and that it was not her actions that led to this result but mine and how mine were not either of yours bc you're friends with her and want her to come back. It's like the most upsetting thing I've experienced since knowing any of you bc I litterally feel completely boxed away in a corner and now know that what I say or what we discuss is shared with others and used when convenient. I'm just mad and I already deleted like a thousand messages and then typed more and tried to make it edited and more concise and clear but I wind up here so it's not point and I've literally been in this dm since the moment I was talking in exec biz with charlie
I don't want to be mean and I feel like I am by saying this but I also feel like it's totally true and I feel like I'm the bad guy or the mean one for calling people out who are or have called me out but don't see it and I'm really really not mad like I talked to you today bc I knew I could and I wasn't so fundamentally pissed at you. I'm still really mad but not at you just about everything and I know where your heart is or I think I do and I know you care and love people and would do anything for them and I don't want to not be your friend but I feel like not 100% after this whole situation and every time I think about it I am just as pissed
Idk what the fucking point is but I get hyperfixated at these things bc I don't like not knowing what the fuck is going on or is happening or will happen or whether I need to prepare myself for things or whether I just realize nothing is what I thought or I learn things or things change and I'm not supposed to be here or I lose something that has been a massive part of my life and maybe I'm not doing well here or this is not what I thought or isn't what I feel is right and I'm not going to fight for that if the two of you disagree and do not stand behind your decisions or harness anger is you somehow condede and place blame and never let it go and if I don't agree with the two of you and you two are on another page and such a fucking different one that anon modding is the direction, then I just shouldn't be in this position bc that is not what I see and I don't like how things are feelings and I don't see ehow going further down a path that doesn't seem positive to me is what I want to fight for, especially if I don't feel that others have my back in that fight. I'm confused and I'm mad and I need some kind of guidance bc I'm fucking lost
maybe charlie coding and making the server run like a bot and more efficient and separate the mods and team from the members by making the staff anonymous which is just a very bizarre concept to me but I guess I get how people might make like chats and shit like that, I just don't get it or honeslty maybe what I think or thought haven was or is or was going really was off or just wasn't clear of my like personal idea that wasn't at all fucking reality. But I'm not needed on that path and I'm not really down for it but I can ste away and leave that to him and stay out of all the mess of sharing who I think will be a good fit on the team or what I feel or think about the team or about haven bc so far that has only ended negatively and I don't even see what I'm doing positively to outweigh it
I'm not helping anyone here, infact I am literally the exact opposite and have chased off people who were instrumental on the team and active in the server
and if I was a new member and I wouldn't be cool with shit like nana being a mod or someonee I had to go through then why am I here and backing it and defending situations or people out of some false sense of loyalty when I don't like what they do and I'm making up excuses for them to present some united ununited front when I don't support the action and don't want to have to apologize to or speak to a member in an unfair way or being fake
like everything I've always done and why I thought people wanted me around is literally apparently the oppositee
and that is made consistently evident to me
I haven't even been here as much and apparently everything I read and present to you or you both I'm later held responsible for or blamed for deciding or making happen. Charlie seems to be on his own path and honestly is fundamentally running the server bc I can't maintain the technical aspect of running it. I didn't think the chat was everything about haven and I didn't think it would somehow be separate either and handed off for different purpose or not purpose but I guess different goals and different ways or running which I guess is pretty much different bc how things run and what we do or have done is what I've worked for or care about
And I know it's my fault I'm still typing about this like 4 hours later but it's making me feel like shit both thinking about these stupid situations and thinking about my kind of vision or what I happily envisioned what we could do or ideas I had or like things that we possibly could do or might want to or sharing it with my family and friends and I'm not going to do that or put myself in that position if I'm not going to stay and if I don't support whats happening or feel confident even bringing people into the server or presenting it to people in the way I haven when I don't feel the same. I feel like either I'm gonna get booted and it's like ok so much for that or I will feel like a fucking horrible piece of useless shit if I talk about this stuff and integrate this into my life as something solid when I seem to come on and get into fucking personal fights and arguments over literal drama that the few people I am closest with are involved in and that result in people showing their true colors and presenting that I am a detriment to people here instead of an asset
and if I'm personally offended and pissed too then I really see no good plan
it's stressful for me to navigate this and I already know I'm losing things I didn't even know I was bc I'm stupid
I don't know how invested you are now or how much you even want to really run this or see it through or accomplish your long term goals or if you know what those are or the path you want to go down, bc if you're going to hand it over, or you are planning to do that, I really feel that I should know as early as possible bc I am not going to simply transfer over and the main reason I jumped aboard was you and bc I believed in your vision and the community and I trusted that this was all good and that I felt right with the decisions and how things went. ofc things are never 100% and you can't always see eye to eeyee or agree and ofc there is a range of difference composing it, but overall there still has to be something guiding it. And if you're not there and there is no clear vision or path that I share with anyone or that anyone has I really just have to let myself step away from this bc it's too emotionally painful and I'm already digressing from being back on the server for longer periods of time like the past couple days which have just been bad luck and timing or are a result of me being back
Eli Charlie Lauren and You apparently don't agree with my decisions and think that I oppose everything and cause people to leave
I don't want everyone to just resent me and enough of shit has felt shitty
I didn't even accept or want to be an admin until I felt like I earned it and other people respected me
nobody respects me now though
you can't lead people who don't like or respect you
and you can't lead with people if you can't trust them
and I don't think the mistrust is only from my end I think it's mutual
I just am transparent about it
I don't play nice and advocate something else which is ironically another thing I'm being accused of
the whole point I do anything is bc I believe in it and advocate what I think
don't have to respond not trying to like pressure you or make you feel bad or worse or whatever but it's not resolved at all and I don't even feel like I should say anything in exec bc apparently everything I do or say or disagree with is bad and wrong and I don't agree with anything so everyone else is frustrated and disagrees and tells people they disagree after executing or while executing what I thought were group team mutual decisions and discussions
I feel like a shit friend and like I'm horrible for being like this and that I'm a shit person if I'm here bc I make decisions other people don't argree with that hurt people or if I'm not here bc I said I would be as if I didn't actually mean it and I feel like bad for saying anything ill about you or haven even only to you but I like have to I guess bc I'm doing it bc I feel like and still believe what I just said
and I'm by far the most easily disposable from haven bc you own it and charlie is the one technically running it and I'm just idk what I am and it doesn't feel like whatever I was supposed to be doing I am or I'm doing it wrong
all I do is read and consult and share things that others don't seem to share and nobody likes me or talks to me either bc they are scared intimidated feel they have to suck up are scared to lose me but don't really like me and bc I could easily peace and nobody on the server would flinch, It would be another weell x stepped down. What did you have for lunch today?
and if so then nana and all you guys others friends or people who left bc of me and won't come back bc of me can come back and do whatever it is people think is best and like more
people have more connections to people who are really active anyways
nobody really gives a fuck about the stuff I seem to care so much about
I feel like I'm just making this place up when telling people now and like it's so far from the reality and what I think about everything about actual mental illness or our system or what I think can help or is a detriment or anything I feel like is a reason or is driving me could anyone repeat here so like is that just ideas in my head of what I thought we were or was it legit just my ideas that were in my head and not what others saw and wanted and idk anymore bc I don't even know what you want and you own it
I don't want to even recommend something that seeems to result in the invested people ditching with ill or sad feeelings and I feel like I'm following suit ironically bc I might a be big negative part of making that happen
I have done so much and be along for the ride literally coming and asking you daily what can I do and what task do you need and how can I help and what can I design and what do you need and feeling like you needed some break and someone to be theere for you when you were in all these shitty positions and having someone kinda bring you back and us remind each other why were here or why we care and that being like a real thing but if it boils down to shit like telling nana what I say about her in haven in the channels we created to havee a space to talk and to do work and literally being blamed eveen while saying I'm pissed for all of it and the samee the next day and this is feeling like it has happened before and I'm sick of tension or fake tidings where I think shit is genuine and it's just appeasement and people still being pissed and reesentful and throwing out punches every time we disagree or I disagree
welp now I've been here like five eor six hours
and my mother will bitch about how I'm not doing well and I need to snap back into being happy and excited and feeeling like maybe my life wasn't so epically shit and I had something I got for myself and wanted and now I just feel like shit and like I don't even know if I'm good or bad or right or wrong or stupid or not and I also still know what I think and believe strongly so I can't change that and I don't get what I'm doing it just all feels more and more disconnected and I seem to just be falling off and I hate moree than anything else that I let shit I don't like dictate what I do or think or change how good things were bc I had the happy and I lost it d I didn't beofre it was likee I still have the overall pesepctive like since new meds and stuff and especially since new job and now I feeel shit and thee day after all the good news I fucking madee myself bad
like even if this shit happened I came I talked I did it I let it
and I'm like sabotaging myself before I start bc I fucking ate too much today and yesterday when I haven't been and I can't be fat and feeel fat working or doing anything else and I have three days to make up for it beofre I start work and I don't want to feel like shit about myself and I want to feel how I did bc I can't get that feeeling back for two days and I think about it and think about stuff and it's blah and I can't handle anyone or interacting and everyting just agitates and pisses me off when like it's suppoeed to be good
and now I have like obligations and shit that ofc all involve food this weekend
strting tomorrow
so I'm literally just going to say I'm not eaeting and not eveen enteretain trying to like eat bc it's so not worth it and I haven't eveen exxercised or moved very much the past two days
two days of binging and not purging enough to compensate so gaining and being disgusting and two days of being off track and fucking up my loosing streak and feeling like freee bc I didn't have this food shit and now here I am being fat and doing it not one but two days in a row and being told how I'm not doing well bc I ate too much or drank too much milk or slept in until 10-11 maybe 12 which I haven't and how that's bad and how I'm not watching milo enough and how I'm not doing anything enough or how I'm so abnormal and my mother can fucking fully flip out and literally snap and make a fucking loud ass scene and temper tantrum and then if I'm upset or don't want to be around her or referencee it it's like oh that happened
why are you mad
like oh that didn't just happen and it's totally normal and families are just like that and get over it and why are you so sensitive rah rah rah
and it's the same here lmao
I come on
either I go off or someone goes off on me and then it's totally ignored and everyone pretends it didn't happen and nothing happened
and I'm fucking crazy for ever even cariing about it or experiencing it in the first place
wtf
I just don't want to be around people who make me feel shit and I really felt shit for the first time even here
so basically with all the people in my life literally
which is why it's better I don't involve people in my life or share things with them or tell them things bc it never ends well and always cones to bite me in the ass and held over me or shared with other people and if I didn't share or try to share things I would not have made myself guilty and then confessed or say I lied and again make everyone hate me or just share geneerally about my life and give people who I might not always want to know about me things they know about me or are used aganist me somehow at some point and I don't know why I liteerally evere say anything to anyone actually I do and this is why lol and I'm the one who is in the wrong or who has to apologize or be forgiven for things as if I have massively mistreated people and fucked them over or eveen did anything to hurt theeem or behind their back or will ill intent or to be petty or save facee and somehow everyone gets to hold onto that ideea and I'm in the position of not feeeling comfortable around or being told fuckede up shit by people who I owe absolutely nothing to and have made me feel like a pos bc thats what they think
and knowing that I'm on my own and somehow having to prove or fight to like be in something or some group or have some person who others around them don't think or think is good and that is also confusing to me and I don't know wtf I'm doin anymore
and I want to be a good person and I'm getting really really really tired of apologizing and putting myself in that position when it's just pissing me off and I hate about myself after bc it's so fucking demeaning and diminishing and somehow confirming all belief and reiforcing that I am wrong and somehow have to apologize to people I barely know and don't respect
idk
fuck it
this will be another of my massive rants with whatever response or ending
and knowinig that nobody is going to advoacte for me staying anywhere
not anyone you would talk to would do that
and I don't if you would either to them considering the nana situation
aka I'm basically shit and I will leave and you will be comforted by people who will think I'm shit and horrible and hurt you by being a horrible person and that is fine and maybe true but I'm not going to keep sticking myself out on the line to feel like I constantly owe people something and have to defend myself at every turn bc I am wrong and I am at fault for what happens
Everyone in your circle will support your separation from me or me stepping down and you will have an entire time and server behind you and supporting you so please don't think that they are aganist you or think illy when they all are so extrememly dedicated and will ask how high if told to jump and that isn't said to make you feel guilty
just to really be real about things would end
if nothing gets resolved
bc that has been whats happened except I'm ususlly the one trying to make you feel better
but to evereyone else I'm the one causing you harm and I'm bad
and they just tolerate me bc they like and care about you
thee server doesn't hate you
everything isn't over bc I got upset
you have most all odds stacked in your corner and you have a cushion and you have a support network that even know and are involved in this kinda stuff which for me is pretty much totally removed  from most of my life except sharing w my grandma and parents and a few family friends and I feel like I regret sharing things when they are transient and I haven't been in long enough to talk about
you have people who like resepct you for stuff and tbh my world doesn't and doesn't respond to how I am with care and showeing of abundance and understanding and maybe it's just not my world and maube I do get understanding and maybe even more just not in the samee way with my family and maybe it's bc they lovee mee to death and don't want me to like be weak or die or settle or be treated diffeerent or less responsible and idk what is better or worse and I don't think it matters it's just totally differeent and trying to fit somewhere you don't fit is futile and I don't want to abandon what I think or bash my family or change or warp or be fake and I don't think this is even matters or is about anyone at this point except I've been literally in the same aspot typing and deleting and typing for about 6 hours
bc that is the level of misplaced energy I put into being crazy and stupid and unproductive and just undermine everything I say and wind up apologizing for everything and rinse and repeat and it isn't eveen how anyone responds it's just me and maybe I need to stop doing things to apologize for and only do things I want and totally believe are right and care about or think I need to to get somewhere else or be less shit than I have and do better bc at this point I can't undo the past and I don't want to be ruled and constricted by it or around anyone or anything that holds me down and pushes me back into that or doing things out of fear that people will turn or use thiings aganist me or ruin things for me or get hurt or hurt themselves or someone else or say that I'm hurting them and other people and the cause of bad things or that I should somehow feel blessed they allow me to be around as if it's some gift and of forgivness that has to be eearned back when no action has showed disloyality but somehow nothing is right
I just hate everything and I don't know why I ever did anything at all and wish I never did but I can't and so I have to try and not be so petrified that I jsut keep degrading myself
or I'm just total shit lmao which is also really what it boils down to and this is just part of recovering from mistakes and fucked up things I have do or will do and I shouldn't think that anyone owes me anything bc nobody does and it's my fault for having unrealitic expectations of people and total double standards like I am always going the right thing bc now I'm just acting like I'm convincing myself that I'm right and eveereyone else is wrong and I know thats not true
so eithere thing I do is bad either way I think about it and idk how to fix it or if I need to be going over this instead of snapping out of this whole dissociated trans where I'm disconneected from my physical life and just in this world and need to just stop and snap out and focus on something else that is more tangible and matters more or people would say to do who are supposed to have the most insight on this stuff
I cannot unfixate and it lasts forever and I have not done anything else except sit here and type not listen to a song or think about other things intensely or plan or think about things to do or around me or watch something or anything it's just this over and over and over
ZenToday at 10:02 AM
:oofneon: ok. so. 1) i do understand what you're saying when you talk about how you feel with nana and how you don't feel like you can trust us; i can see how it comes off the way that you're reading it, and maybe i confirmed things along the way bc i was done fighting her, but she really truly did suggest those things to me without any prompting. I should never have shared a private conversation with you, that is the biggest lesson to me. I also think that even if this hits you in the trust, it's possible to accept that it happened and rebuild your trust with us. IDK about charlie but he doesn't understand the scope of everything and he doesn't know you as well as I do, so he doesn't see that you're not just chasing nana off for the sake of it, and that you had a legit problem with Eli based on that event, as I did; IDK why he's not thinking about it differently and I should probably address it when i'm more awake
2) You're not disposable here. If you left there would be a massive hole.
IDK i'm not even friends with nana anymore so i am not invested
and now i may lose you too for the same thing :smile: yay
i can't tell you if i'm going to pass the haven on to someone else, bc i don't know. i've been up and dow a lot the last few days so it's hard to judge any of my emotions as serious
i don't plan to do it soon at least
and i am sorry you feel like shit and are fixating and all this stuff. i'm not sure what to do for you. i've apologized and i thought we were kind of resolved but i guess not
we should actually vc because i think that i can explain a little better just talking, but that's just me