Lunar Escapades

Aug 9th, 2014
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  1. Lunar Escapades
  2. By IceMan
  4. >You are Nightmare Moon, Lady of the Night, ruler of all Equestria, and you have just been blasted to the moon thanks to a magic rainbow friendship beam.
  5. >Well, being trapped on the moon can’t be so bad, right?
  6. >It’ll give you some great time for plotting your next move.
  7. “1000 years of exile! Ha! Sister, you’ve only delayed the inevitable. I shall return, and Equestria will know eternal night!” you shout towards the blue-green planet below you, your words echoing off the rocky grey spires.
  8. >Silence, then, once again fills the lunar surface.
  9. >You sit down on the cold, dry ground, whipping up a plume of ashy dust, and begin to think.
  10. >Let’s see... you’ll need soldiers, but you could easily sway a few hundred of the army with your charisma and beauty.
  11. >You always were the more ravishing princess, at least in your opinion.
  12. >Then it’s only a matter of taking the throne for yourself, which shouldn’t be that hard with half the army on your side.
  13. >Yes, this will be a walk in the – what was that?
  14. >You thought you heard some soft thumping in the distance.
  15. >But it’s getting louder!
  16. >There’s no one that lives on the moon, absolutely no one, yeah that’s right.
  17. >Oh god, there’s a figure on the horizon.
  18. >Quick, uh, use some magic!
  19. >You charge up a spell with your horn.
  20. “Stay back, demon! You do not know what power I have!”
  21. >The figure still approaches closer, obviously ignorant the power you wield, step by agonizing step.
  22. >It’s some kind of bipedal creature with a shiny white coat and a reflective, spherical head.
  23. “That’s it! Die, foul creature!”
  24. >You launch your magic missile directly at the demon.
  25. >It impacts the ground beneath his feet.
  26. >The dust clears away, revealing that the being was unaffected by your strongest magical attack.
  27. >It presses onward.
  28. >A hail of indigo energy bolts barrages the creature’s position as it continues its march forward.
  29. >It’s only five feet away now.
  30. “No, please, don’t hurt me!” you wail. “I... I can give you gold, power, jewels, whatever you want, just, please, don’t hurt me!”
  31. >The creature slowly raises its left arm.
  32. >You imagine it’s going to grab your neck and wring it out like a wet towel.
  33. “Please, stop!”
  34. >It reaches out and... pokes your nose.
  35. >The creature emits a noise from somewhere that sounds like “Aeiou.”
  36. >Oh great, it means to torture you all while insulting you with its weird alien speak.
  37. “Fine! End me! I do not wish to bear this torment!”
  38. >The creature chuckles darkly, then pulls two red metal switches on its armor (you now realize that this thing must be wearing some sort of exoskeleton).
  39. >It unscrews its head, which unlocks with a hiss and a release of white gas.
  40. >“You... are the silliest thing that I have ever met,” the being says, its voice now clear since it has removed its helmet. “I mean, Jesus Christ, do you attack anything that approaches you?”
  41. >You don’t really know what is standing in front of you.
  42. >It’s a gangly, pale-skinned creature, with stringy hair on its head.
  43. “Wha... What are you?”
  44. >“Oh, where are my manners. My name is Anonymous. I am a human from the planet Earth, Sol System. Obviously not here. And you are?”
  45. “I...” you squeak.
  46. >You regain your composure.
  47. “I am Nightmare Moon! Lady of the Night, Ruler of Darkness, and -- why are you laughing?”
  48. >The human has buckled over on his knees and is guffawing at every word you said.
  49. >“I’m sorry, but you? You’re the eternal Ruler of Darkness, or whatever? You’re a unicorn-pegasus – ”
  50. “Alicorn!”
  51. >“Whatever. You’re shouting death threats to some sister of yours back down there --”
  52. >He points to the planet below you.
  53. >“-- and expecting me to take you seriously. You are by far the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever met, and I’ve crossed four dimensions, one of which was entirely made of grape soda, getting here.”
  54. “You dare mock the Lady of the Night? I could destroy you with a thought!”
  55. >“Oh, good luck with that. That little energy barrage barely scratched the paint on my space suit. A .22 rifle is more powerful than you; it could at least breach the skin of the suit.”
  56. >The Elements or your imprisonment or something must be weakening your magical powers.
  57. >For now, all you can do is give Anonymous a nasty snarl and bare your teeth.
  58. >“Oh, don’t give me that look. What’re you gonna do, cry?”
  59. “No! I will subdue you. I’ll turn your every last breath into a cry for mercy. I’ll make you a slave to my every will, make you beg for forgiveness for the foul words you have spoken to me. As soon as I’m free from this prison, I’ll bend you to my will!”
  60. >He’s started laughing again.
  61. >“Uh-huh. And when’s that gonna be, toots?”
  62. “One millennium! A trifling amount of time for immortals such as us.”
  63. >“Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t exactly have a millennium, nor am I immortal. So, there go your plans for ‘subduing’ me. Plus, I don’t plan on staying here too long.”
  64. “And how is that possible? The moon is an inescapable prison. That is why my sister banished me here. It would take a great deal of magical power to escape, something which you do not have!”
  65. >“Well, aren’t you just precious when you’re angry? I have a little magic of my own, though it follows rules and laws that are a little more understandable.”
  66. >He pulls out what looks like a small blue cube filled with a luminescent substance.
  67. >“This is a pandimensional hypercube. It lets me jump dimensions and explore. That’s how I ended up here.”
  68. “Well, if you’re so annoyed with my presence, why don’t you just leave?”
  69. >“Because I’m enjoying your company,” the human says with a smile.
  70. >You growl at him again.
  71. >“The last few universes I’ve gone through have just been dead zones. One didn’t have enough gravity for atoms to stick together to form stars. One had an imbalance of matter to anti-matter and just annihilated itself a few seconds in. And the third was made of grape soda, so no sapient life ever developed. No idea how that happened. The grape soda, that is.”
  72. >He pauses for a moment.
  73. >“So, you were ranting about some sort of vengeance. Something about returning to ‘Equestria’ to defeat your sister and instill eternal darkness?”
  74. “Yes.”
  75. >“And how do you plan on doing that?”
  76. >Anonymous sits himself down on a small rock and puts his feet up.
  77. >You consider for a moment whether or not you should tell this creature your plan.
  78. >For all you know, he’s an agent of Celestia.
  79. >But based on his tales of grape soda, whatever that is, you have a feeling he’s not.
  80. >Perhaps he will even help you in some way in your crusade.
  81. “I’m going to use my powers of persuasion along with my ravishing good looks to take control of the Equestrian Royal Guard, overthrow my sister, destroy the Elements of Harmony, and rule Equestria.”
  82. >As soon as you said “ravishing good looks,” Anonymous started to chuckle, but by the end he was outright guffawing again.
  83. >“Ravishing good looks... what a joke. I hope that was a joke. Lady, er, horse, thing – no one would want to touch you with a ten foot pole, and especially not with their dick.”
  84. “You dare?”
  85. >“I’ve already dared many times today with you. Yeah, lose the sharp teeth and the power fantasy and maybe then you’ll get a nice stallion to cuddle with you.”
  86. “Power fantasy? I assure you, my plans are completely fool-proof!”
  87. >“Yeah, no. I already debunked step one. Let’s even say you can succeed at that, then you still have to defeat your sister, who’s probably much more powerful and wiser than you, considering that she’s already banished you here and is ruling without you. And the Elements of Harmony? I guess those are some sort of weapon? Well, she controls those and is probably keeping them very close to her. So to get those, you’re going to have to go through her. And as for ruling, well, eternal darkness isn’t exactly good for crop growth, nor does it generally lead to happy people. Can you handle rebellion? I think not.”
  88. >If it weren’t for this creature’s resistance to magic, you would have disintegrated him on the spot.
  89. “You utter fool! You poor soul, you – you dare to defy the future ruler of Equestria and insult her beauty! W-why if I had my guards, I would have you hung! If you dared say these things to even the lowliest noble in Equestria, they would have you executed. And you dare say these things to me? The highest power in all the land? Ha! I would turn you to dust where you stand if I had my full power, or, better yet, wipe out your puny mind and make you my personal slave. That would be a fitting punishment for one so foolish as to berate the divine word of a Princess of Equestria!”
  90. >While you make these threats, Anonymous has been looking at his magic cube, maybe looking for scratches, blemishes, or bits of dust stuck to it and mmhmming occasionally.
  91. >He turns and asks, “You done?”
  92. “There are quite many other things that I would like to say but – ”
  93. >“Good, my turn. You say you would do all these horrible things to me if you had your minions or your powers, but you have neither, so while you’re stuck with me until this cube recharges a bit longer, you might as well listen to my advice.”
  94. “But you said you were here because you enjoyed my company!”
  95. >“I lied. Learn to use it. If you are truly a villain, then you’re going to have to use some real deception before going in guns blazing. You have 1000 years to come up with a plan, so don’t just use the first one you come up with! Think! I mean, you are basically on a timed release, but you don’t necessarily have to leave the moon immediately. 1000 years is a long time; eventually your imprisonment will slip from current event to history to myth. Wait long enough and many people will simply forget about it. So you wait just a few more years – don’t give me that look, if you can wait 1000 years you can wait five more. And then you make your return. Plus, then you’ve got five more years for plotting.”
  96. >Your brow furrows.
  97. >“You don’t seem to have any more threats to fling at me. Do you really have nothing to say about all that?”
  98. “Why are you so intent on helping me if you clearly hate me so and find me... evil?”
  99. >“I’ve travelled through a lot of universes, lady – er, horse. Mare. Princess. Alicorn. Thing. Sometimes I help the good guys, sometimes I help the bad guys. Sometimes the bad guys turn out to be the good guys, or vice versa. Sometimes there are no bad guys or good guys, just grey guys, all doing some good and some bad.”
  100. “That doesn’t make any sense...”
  101. >“That doesn’t surprise me, coming from you.”
  102. “And now you insult my intelligence.”
  103. >“Haven’t I done that already? I’ve insinuated that you can’t come up with a good evil plot.”
  104. >Urgh.
  105. >This creature is outright maddening.
  106. >You’ve never dealt with anyone like this except…
  107. >No.
  108. >It can’t be.
  109. >He’s imprisoned!
  110. >You imprisoned him!
  111. “Discord?”
  112. >“What?”
  113. “I know it’s you, Discord. I knew my feeble sister couldn’t keep you trapped forever.”
  114. >“So is Discord a god or a person or something? Because, if so, I’m definitely not him. Her? It.”
  115. “Don’t you try to fool me with your lies! You’ve come here to mock me in my darkest hour, as revenge for putting you in stone.”
  116. >“Yeah, I’m definitely not that guy. Sorry.”
  117. >You pause.
  118. “Lord of Chaos, listen to me. If we combine our powers, we can overthrow Celestia. If you’ve escaped that shows she’s weaker than I thought. We can rule Equestria as Lord of Chaos and Lady of the Night! Join me.”
  119. >“Yeah, uh, no. Sorry.”
  120. “Drop the charade, Discord. There is work to be done.”
  121. >“Oh, God, you’ve gone mad already. Let’s see. Looks like the cube’s almost recharged.”
  122. “No! Don’t go! I need you!”
  123. >“Sorry, my dear, I don’t put my dick in crazy.”
  124. >A small cylindrical button pops up out of the hypercube.
  125. “See ya, or rather, won’t see ya.”
  126. >Anonymous clicks the button and disappears in a bright flash of light.
  127. “No! Discord!”
  128. >A clawed hand wraps around your shoulder.
  129. >“Wow. First guy to ever take any interest in you, and you already drove him into another universe. That’s gotta be some sort of record.”
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