The Hardest Things (Sayori Fanfic)

I couldn't believe I'd never seen it - that despite all the signs being there, I never noticed that Sayori suffered from depression. The late mornings.
The messy room.
The constant optimism.
The smile that stayed during the worst of times.

How could I call myself her best friend, when I could never see the hurt in her eyes, and more recently, in her words? She was a terrible liar most of the time, there was no doubt about that, but for me to chalk all those little, repeated instances up to "Sayori being Sayori"? I should have known. She should have told me. But she just went with it. But I should have known. I should have known. I should have known. I should have known I should have known I should have known I should have-

"Anon? Is... is something wrong?"
Natsuki's voice broke the maddening train of thought I found myself in, the palms of my hands stinging as I relaxed and pulled back my fingers. I said I'd be right back, that I was just using the bathroom, but the worry in her voice told me I'd been in there much longer than I'd thought I had. "Uh, yeah! Yeah... I was just... really constipated!" Not even trying to sound convincing, the bluntness proved effective on its own as Natsuki kicked the door, called me a "disgusting... y-you... ugh!" and returned to the cupcakes. I wanted to apologize, to tell her what was happening, but I had other things to think about, and I didn't want to drag her into this already uncomfortable situation.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, my mind raced as I asked myself if I should really just leave things like this. If I should really do what I'm about to do. Natsuki and I were growing closer while working on the festival cupcakes, and to up and leave her here alone would all but destroy any progress we made in growing close, but I couldn't just let Sayori be alone, not after she'd been doing it for so long. I needed to be there. I needed to be with Sayori.

I needed Sayori.

The thought lingered, prompting my fingers to rapidly tap against the phone. With no hesitation, I pressed hard against the send key, watching the small screen display "I'm coming over again." Leaving the bathroom, I knew it was a matter of seconds before her responses came, telling me not to, or that she truly wouldn't forgive me. It didn't matter. I prepared myself mentally, steeled my heart for the worst things she could say to me, knowing now that the sunny disposition she'd always shown me hid thoughts, words, and phrases I'd never heard leave her lips.
But the preparation was not for dealing with just Sayori.
Natsuki looked at me, puzzled, as I strode for the door. I had no intention of leaving without telling her, but deep down, I'd hoped she wouldn't ask why. She did. "Anon, where are you going? You do remember you agreed to help me, right?"
My hand rested on the door handle. I took a breath, then exhaled. Turning to her, I did my best to hide any signs of regret or disappointment, and told her flatly, "I have to go to Sayori."

Her eyes began to well with tears. She tried to blink them away, and failing to do so, let her anger show as well. "What the hell, Anon? You're just leaving me here, working alone, so you can see someone you see everyday? Are you really that stupid?"
I didn't have a real answer, and I couldn't bear to see her cry anymore than this.
"Yeah, I guess I am. Sorry."
I walked out and closed the door behind me, as her cries and shouts grew louder. My phone buzzed almost non-stop in my pockets.


I didn't bother to look at any of them until I was in the house. As expected, it was Sayori telling me not to come, that there was no reason for me to, that Natsuki needed me more at the moment, that she would hate me, that Natsuki would hate me, etc etc. Her texts stopped coming once I closed the door. Moving to return it to the pocket, it buzzed one final time. A text from Monika.
"I hope you guys aren't doing anything weird over there! JK, do your best! ;)"
I didn't feel like responding to it, or telling her I'd actually blown off working with Natsuki for Sayori. Finally putting it away, I heard faint shuffling upstairs. Following the sound, I called out to her. There was no response as I climbed the steps. "Sayori, please. Answer me." Her door was closed. I paused, worry creeping into my mind. "Sayo-"
"Why'd you come back, Anon?" It said so quietly, but I could tell she was right on the other side of the door. "Didn't I tell you I wouldn't forgive you?"
I took a few seconds to collect my thoughts.
"Sayori... you told me you didn't want anyone to worry about you. That you wanted me to spend my time doing important things instead of caring for you. How could I possibly not worry about you, when you're so important to me?"
She didn't answer.
"I know I never really showed it, and I can't believe I didn't notice it before, but worrying about you... it's something I've always done, and I couldn't stop doing it even if I wanted to... Cleaning your room so you'd never trip on something or lose anything was always worth the time spent with you, the smile you'd put on when it was done. And when we stopped walking together, I was bummed at first, but it was the fact that I'd see you regardless that made me okay with things."
I pressed my head to the door.
"So... please, Sayori... let me see you..."

***

A few seconds passed, with no signs of movement from the other side, but the door finally opened. The tears streaming down her cheeks stung worse than my palms had, my heart growing heavy knowing that she was going through this again, and that I was part of the reason. I moved to embrace her, as I had earlier today. This time, she returned it immediately, and I could only hope my feelings could somehow pierce the haze of emotions she'd been going through and embed themselves deeply in her mind.

"Remember when you wanted things to be like they've always been?" I asked her, my arms wrapped around her. I felt her nod slowly, her cries soft as she responded. "I... I want that too, for some things. I want to worry about you, Sayori. But I also want things to change... and... I think you do, too. You wouldn't have invited me to the Literature Club if you hadn't, would you?"
We pulled ourselves apart, and she tried to wipe away the constant stream of tears running down her face. "It's like I told you," she managed to say between her sobs, "I wanted you to make friends with everyone else..." Recalling those same words from earlier, they sounded silly now in the context of things. "Sayori, if I do become friends with everyone else, how would things stay the same?" I moved her hands away from her face, bringing them back down in front of us, and held on. "There'd be less time to spend with you, and you've already told me how much it hurts you... that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. I'd... I'd rather..."

My voice trailed off as I realized what I was about to say, as a thought that had lingered ever so far away in the back of my mind forced it's way to the front. She was pushing me away because of it, she had to be. There was a reason beyond her reason for inviting me to the Literature Club. She wanted me to be friends "with everyone else" for this reason.

"Did you... did you plan to end things, Sayori?"
The hands that were holding mine reacted to the question, a sinking feeling growing inside me. A smile came to her face, as if instinctively - it could only be her final line of defense in case I had dug too deep. "E-end things? What do you mean, Anon?" The dread inside me grew heavier, colder. How could things have ended up this way? How did I not see it? I looked straight at her, but her teary gaze remained aimed towards my chest.
"Sayori, are you planning to kill yourself?"
"Ahaha... what are you talking about Anon? That'd be... way too scary..."
I should have known.
"Sayori, look at me and tell me you weren't."
She turned her head to the side, and I could feel the first tears roll down my cheeks.

The feeling inside me brought me to my knees, my hands still barely holding hers. I let out something that was not quite a laugh, but not quite a sob, as my thoughts spun around themselves. Her hands quivered in mine, as her own tears fell upon them and the floor in front of me. It wasn't long before she followed, both of us on our knees. I tried to will away my own, and failed. I pulled one hand away to take care of the task, but gripped her tighter with the other.
"Please... you can't leave me..." I could barely eke out the words before more tears formed. "I need you."

She finally met my gaze, her blue eyes wet and bloodshot. I said the words that pounded against my brain, that wanted to convey themselves in every and any form they possible could. "I love you."

"Ah-" Her crying resumed, momentarily stunning her and stifling any rebuttal to the idea of her being needed.

I let go of her other hand, and pulled her into me, into an embrace I could only hope would last forever. As her sobs grew louder, I could feel her arms wrapping around me. "I love you, Sayori. I can't lose you, so please... Just stay with me... I love you. I love you."

***

Her crying subsided several minutes later, our holds on each other never weakening until she finally forced herself to pull away from me - just enough to meet my eyes once more.

"I love you, Anon."

I leaned in, my kiss meeting no resistance. As our lips found one another, the words made themselves loud and clear once more in my head. "I love you."