Monkey Business Ch.3 -The Not so Greatest Ape

>So....fucking...humid.
>You used to live on the Texas Gulf Coast, so you know what humid is.
>But this...this felt more swampy than Satan's ass.
>Sweat was dripping from every horrible surface and crevice of your body.
>You'd kill for deodorant.
>You've stopped trying to keep track of time for a while now, but you hoped your destination was not too far.
>Dumptruck moved swiftly through the jungle's vine work and branches. He would escape your sight often, but he chirped constantly and dropped numerous leaves and twigs as he maneuvered.
>Tracking him was easy enough, at least.
>You looked up and wiped the sweat from your brow.
>But seeing as your arm and forehead was equally sweaty, it made little enough difference.
>Sunlit filtered through the dense jungle canopy.
>Birds flew from branches as you approached, flittering away to safer vantage points.
>Some of the more courageous birds hopped after you from behind, but still kept their distance.
>They were all cocking their heads and gawking at the jungle's newest resident.
"What is it supposed to be"
"Mom, why is he so gross looking?"
"Sometimes nature makes mistakes, dearest."
>A small green Tanager skips along side you.
"Excuse me, Mister, my uncle talks about failed steps on the evolutionary ladder, are you of them?  I never met a ladder before!"
>You stop and stare at the little bird.  His beak was half open and his beady eyes shone with excitement.
>"I'm a failure, yes, but I'm not a ladder.  Tell your uncle that."
"Wow, that is sooo cool!"
>The bird hops away and flutters up to a nearby branch.
"Mom, he said he was a failure!  Does that mean Tango's gonna eat him?  Or the Army Ants will carry him away if he doesn't go to bed on time?  Is that what Uncle Gerald means when he's talking about natural selection in action?"
"Maybe dearest, we'll just have to yet and see.  Just remember that Uncle Gerald is a very silly bird."
"Wowzers."
>The forest suddenly explodes as birds from all direction approach you and bombard you with questions.
"What happened to all your fur?"
"Hey, you didn't eat a turtle named Franklin last week did you?  He owed me money!"
"Can you spit venom?  Do  those nails on your paws serve a purpose, or are they just vestigial?"
>They scatter as Dumptruck swings down from the forest top.
"Hey, hey, hey, what is this -mating season?  Leave the freakshow alone people.  Go on now, scram, this guy starts flinging crap when he gets scared, and it's a lot bigger than mine I'll tell ya."
>The birds caw and laugh and mostly go back to their own business.  Dumptruck circles around you and dusts off his hands.
"Damn birds.  Beaky little flappers that get in everyone's business except they're own.  Ain't good for nuthin except for swipin' their feathers and linin' your  nest with 'em."
>He nudges you.
" Scored some r-r-r-real nice tail more than once thanks to that stuff. Chicks think that sorta thing is real hot.   Makes you seem all in touch with ya inner fruitsy arty side or whatevers."
>"Huh.  Sure.  I'll keep that in mind," you say flatly.
"Hey, what the hell are you gettin' all sulky about?  If any of 'em gives ya serious smack, just up and kick 'em!  Those dumb things on yer feet-"
>"Shoes."
"Shoes, right.  Yeah, those look like they'd do some damage.  Just go up and-BAMMO!  Send 'em flyin'.  That's all they're good at anyhows."
>He climbs up onto your shoulders and pulls out a bug from your hair.
"We're gettin' pretty close now.  There's not as many birds what hang out around the alcove.  And those that do are smart enough to keep theys beaks shut otherwise me and the boys use 'em for target practice.  So c'mon then, giddap!"
>Begrudgingly you follow his orders and continue on the path.
>As you walk, the sound of rushing water can be heard.
>"Is that a stream or something?"
"Yeah, just walk towards the noise, we'll get there soon enough."
>A mental note is made to keep in mind sources of water.  In this area it meant the alcove was near.
>It would just be smart to start taking mental notes of local geographic landmarks.
>There's a gross tree covered in butterflies.  Yeah, that'd work.
>Gross tree + Running water = Close to monkey hang out.
>Hey, maybe you're getting the hang of this.  This whole rainforest thing can't be all that hard to figure out.
>Yeah, you'll get used to this in no ti-
>You fall.

>As you soar through the air you make another mental note
>Gross tree + Running water + Assumptions = Instant Death
>However, much to your relief, you find that it merely results in you hitting a solid body of water.
>Your brain suddenly flashes images of all the scary things that live in the waters of jungles and rainforests.
>Namely small worms that swim up your peehole and try to eat your balls.
>You scramble to the surface and doggie paddle furiously to the shore.

>Slowly you drag yourself onto a clear bank and begin heaving, staring up into the sun.
>The sound of your panting is drowned out by the roar of a waterfall.
>There are in fact, several waterfalls, each feeding into pools of differing size.
>One towers above the rest.
>It's pretty tall.  At least fifty feet, maybe eighty feet.  You think you see a cave up towards the top.
>The alcove is much larger than you thought it would be.
>There are overhanging rocks which provide grottoes free of vegetation, and small islands in the middle of the pools, which provide bitchin' tanning spots.
>You see a cliff that's crowded heavily with trees off to one side of the pool, you assume that's where you made your entrance from.
>Along the edges of the water the rock formations break up, creating multiple levels and vantage points of the alcove
>Then you notice the things on the rocks.
>Monkeys.  Monkeys everywhere.
>Apes of all shapes sizes and configuration.  Apes on rocks.  Apes hanging from branches, more apes swimming around in the pool.
>And they're all staring at you.
>"Heyyy-y-y..."  You wave.
>A gibbon waves back.
"The fuck are you supposed to be?"
>This is going to be theme, you can tell.
>There's a sound of desperate paddling behind you.
"I'll tell ya what he is."
>Dumptruck hauls himself out of the water and shakes off.
"He's a dumbass is what he is."
>He punches your shin.  It hurt a little more than you expected it to, but you weren't really expecting all that much to begin with.
"WATCH YER STEP.  Ya see what happens when ya don't look!?  What are those eyes just for decoration or something?  I'm gonna have to be groomin' myself all day now."
>He walks towards a sunny patch of rock.
"I was gonna tell you where we keep the fruit, but nows I think a little personal initiative on your part'd be good for ya.  Learn how to pay attention or somethin, cripes."
>He stretches out and gives a self-pleased grunt.
"Welcome to the Hang-Out, kid."
>The rest of the monkeys are still staring.
>Dumptruck sits up and notices this.  He facepalms.
"Well what the hell are yous guys staring at?"
"Is he a monkey?  This place is monkeys only, you know," asked a baboon.
"He's ugly as sin, but he's a monkey.  He's got the tag and Runnin' Trails showed me his papers and everything.  And what are you gettin' so hung up on technicalities anyhow, you look more like a grub I pulled off a dead anteater yesterday, I ain't never seen your papers, Raegan."
>The babboon, who you assume to be Raegan, crossed his arms and leaned against a rock.  He huffed.
"I dunno.  You know how Deimos gets whenever bigger strays wonder on down here."
"Yeah, well Deimos's lips can wonder on down to my ass.  He ain't my boss or nuthin'."
>Raegan bared his sharp canines in a sharp laugh.  He nodded to you.
"Ya see this guy?  He talks big game, but once the big boy comes rumbling through here, you can mistake him for being downright civilized."
"Ah, go scratch the big red balloons attached to yer backside.  And the rest of you, stop gawkin, do you want him to striptease or somethin'?  Don't stop the party on my account."
>Slowly the monkeys around the alcove begin to go about there business.
>And there business is absolutely bananas.
>Between the waterfall and the caterwauling of apes, you can barely hear yourself think.
>The pools erupt in a never-ending series of splashes as they all do cannonballs into the water, one after another.
>The edges of the forest shake constantly as they swing from the trees limbs and branches.
"Hey, look what I can do!"
"Somemonkey tell Gordo to get his dumbass down from there."
"Don't listen to him, Gordo -do it!  DO IT!"
>He does it.
>"it' looked extremely painful.
>The rest of the monkeys break down in hysterics.
>Oh jesus, your ears.
>You needed to get out of here.
>Your eyes are drawn up to the highest waterfall.  It looks like there are in fact a hole network of caves around the fall's mouth.
>There's a big one that looks especially enticing.
>It looks like you can climb up there easily enough...
>You stand and begin your trek up the rocks.
"Hey, where ya going?"
>"I'm going to take a look at those caves up there. Maybe that one."
>you point to the mouth of the big cave.
"Oh-ho-ho, bad idea there, Anon.  You don't wanna go messin' around in that cave.  If your thinking your gonna find food in there or somethin', don't waste yer time."
>"Well what's in there?"
"Nothin you should bug yerself with.  I ain't givin' details, I'm just sayin going in that cave'd be a really dumb thing to do.  But doin dumb crap seems to be yer passion, so do whatever feels good."
>"Fine then, I will.  Later."
>You walk off.
"I warned ya, Anon."
>You hear the agreeing chitters of several monkeys in the area.
>Fuck them, they can't tell you what to do.
>If you want to do something retarded then you will.
>You're done with taking orders from some ornery capuchin for the day.
>The waterfall is set against a pretty rough and staggered cliff wall.
>Heheh.  It looks a lot bigger when you're standing so close.
>A small lemur is staring at you.
>"Sup."
>He nods.
>"Has anyone ever...like, died climbing up this thing?"
>He shakes his head, positive.
"Only Stiff Bernie, but he was high on tranq darts."
>"Huh.  Okay, yeah, stay away from drugs, dude."
"I'm the one who sold 'em to him."
>"No repeat business then, I suppose."
>The lemur shrugged.
"He was a total jack-ass.  If the tranqs didn't kill him, he would've been eaten sooner than later."
>The fuck was wrong with these guys?
>Whatever.  Just don't buy tranq darts off of lemurs.
>You approach the rock.
>You test your footing against it.
>There's no give to the rock, and it's dry.  Ther are plenty of footholds and things to grab onto.  At least you won't slip and fall to your death or anything.
>You make a promise not to fall.  The apes would all go into comas form the hilarity, but you're not here to entertain them.
>You start to climb.
>One hand....another....put a foot...right there, yeah.
>This is easy.
>Your mind is deliciously occupied by the climb.  Your muscles are receiving a better workout then they have in a long time.
>It's almost therapeutic.
>A centipede crawls over your hand.  You pull it away and nearly fall off the cliff face.
>You scream like a girl.
>But the alcove is already loud enough that nomonkey notices.
>You look at the ground.  Damn...you're...you're pretty high up.
>The lemur is still down there.
>He waves.
>You wave back.
>Never mind this, just keep climbing.  Almost there, Anon, almost.
>The sun shines down onto the alcove, heating your back and warming the rock.  You're sweating, but it's a better sweat than what you get from walking through the jungle.
>You almost like it.
>After much vertically applied effort, you make it to the top.
>You take a break and sit down, legs dangling over the edge of the cliff.  The water is much louder up here.
>You look over the alcove and for the first time since being dumped in the preserve, you have to admit you're impressed.
>The sight of the waterfall feeding into the many pools below, coupled with the arrangement of rock and grottoes that eventually disappear back into the forest is something you'd readily call pretty.
>If only all those damned monkeys weren't down there mucking around.
>You see Dumptruck chatting up another monkey up much bigger than him.
>She doesn't seem very impressed.  You see her make a scoffing motion and walk away.
>He makes lewd gestures and eventually turns to look at you.  He waves and flips you off.
>You do the same.
>Okay, enough break, let's go see what's so special about that cave.
>The top of the cliff is pocketed with indentations and smaller holes.   Some feed deep into the rock and connect with other entrances facing the alcove.
>Carefully you maneuver below and above the edge of the cliff and make it to the mouth of the big cave.
>The entrance is easily twice your height.  A small stream of water runs through the base that runs towards the outside and topples into the greater pool below.
>The cave stretches back into darkness.  There is a large mass inside.
>You breach the cave entrance slowly.  Almost immediately you feel relief as you step into the cool, sheltered air.
>Footsteps echo off the wall, joining those of small drops of water and the soft gurgle of the stream.
>The mound turns out to be a collection of sticks and leaves and other natural material.
>It's arranged in a mostly circular shape, about seven feet across.
>You realize it's a nest.  What the hell could sleep in something this big?
>The leaves are still bright and green.  They're fresh.  This thing is pretty recent.
>There is a small pile of seeds and fruit rinds near the nest.
>You look around the cave.
>Stone juts out along the side of the cave, forming a natural shelf.  There is a collection of rocks on it, arranged by size shape and color.
>They actually look pretty cool.
>You pick one up.
>It glimmers in what little light the cave has to offer.
>You place the rock carefully in its proper place.
>You hear a grunt, and about face quickly, knocking over the rocks in your surprise.
>A massive shadow is hunched at the entrance.
>It growls.
>You have a feeling you just fucked up immensely.
>The beast approaches you slowly, putting one massive forearm in front of the other.  They look more like furry tree trunks than anything else.
>You realize it's the single biggest goddamned gorilla you've ever seen.
>He's pretty rustled.
>It's forehead slopes back and leads away from a very heavy, very pissed off looking brow.
>His mouth is pulled down in anger.  His nostrils flare wildly as he huffs from his nose.  Dirt kicks up from the cave floor.
>"Whoa...uh...hey there, Kerchak."  You try to back off.  "Nice place you got here.  Listen, sorry about your collection there.  I'll pick them up right away and I'll be off.  Just..um..."
>He gets closer.  His enormous shoulders shake like slabs of concrete as he slams his fists into the ground.
>"wanted to meet my new neighbor."
>He stands up.
>Holy mother.....
>The gorilla is a tower of muscle, hair, and rage.  You can hear the muscles in his fist tighten as he clenches them.  His hands were like organic sledgehammers.  Each finger the size of your forearm.  His chest swells.
>"So...hello!  My name's Anon.  I'm a hu-"
>He huffs loudly.  You shut up.
>In the dim light you notice something about the beast.
>On the intersection of his chest and right shoulder his fur is mottled and sparse.
>It has an ugly, roughly circular scar.  It's huge.  His skin there is rough, flaky, and ringed with off-pink and white.
 >He realizes what your looking at and his lips curl.
>In fact, it almost loos like a-
>He roars.  Your face is blasted by spittle and the heat of his breath.  His mouth is full of long, very sharp teeth.
>You'd cover your ears if you weren't pissing yourself in fear right now.  You settle for falling backwards.
>You curl up and close your eyes.  You think you remember watching something about animals getting bored and walking away if you went into a submissive posture or something.
>He didn't go away.
>Instead you feel yourself being hauled straight up into the air by your shoulder.
>The gorilla pulls you toward him.  You pull at his grip, but there's no way in hell you can escape from it.
>You stare at him wild-eyed.  He has nothing but contempt as he looks at you.
"I know exactly what you are."
>His voice is deeper than the mariana trench.  It sounds like he has boulders for vocal chords.
"Human."
>He spits at you.
>The gorilla turns towards the cave entrance, and drops down to all fours again.  He drags you along the ground to the outside.
"You will never return to this place."
>"Okay, Okay, fine, no problem, I promise."
"If I see you.  If I smell you.  If the wind carries the barest hint of your breathing to my ears, than I will find you, I will crush you and feed you to Nabhi myself."
>He lifts you up and holds you over the edge of the cliff.
>You look down.
>You are really fucking high up.  Your grip tightens on the gorilla's arm.
>"Woah, hey, what are you doing?  Listen, I'm sorry, okay!  You don't have to do this, we can reason, or something? Yeah?  C'mon!"
"Your kind has no reason."
>He throws you.
>And for the second time today, you find yourself hitting the water.
>It hurts much, much, much more this time.  Your entire right side feels like its been stabbed all over as you break the surface tension.
>As you surface you can hear the uncontrolled laughter of the apes that have packed the alcove by this point.  You grimace in pain and pull yourself to dry land.
>Dumptruck runs up to you and you can tell he's pissed.
"Oh you done fucked up big time Anon.  We have to get you out of here, pronto."
>"Who the hell is that guy?"  You cough out water.
"Deimos.  And you right pissed him off."
>You hear the gorilla roar from the top of the cave.
>You look and see him swing through rock and water to stand at the top of the fall.
>The laughter stops and the entire alcove falls silent, except for the sound of running water.


>The gorillas voice booms and echoes from his vantage point.
"Who has brought him here?"
>Everymonkey points to Dumptruck.  He looks shocked.
"Ey, fuck you too."
"SILENCE!"
>You can almost feel the force of his voice.
"His kind is destruction.  His kind is ruin.  His very  presence is a danger to us all.  You will do best to shun him.  Offer no aid to this creature.  Leave him be, and let the jungle decide his fate."
>He points to Dumptruck.
"And you!  You noisy, weak thing who brought this cursed animal into our domain.  My tolerance is wasted on you.  Too long has your vulgarity and reckless foolishness plagued me.  If I see you in this place again, I will make a gift of you to the crocodiles."
>He settles down onto all fours again.
"I am Deimos, and this is the promise I make.  Be gone with you."
>He stalks away.  His voice stops echoing against the rock and water.
>The alcove is silent.  A thousand eyes fall on you and dumptruck.
"Hey c'mon now, you know he's joking."
>No response.
"Raegan, how long do you think he's gonna be huffin' like that?  Remember when Otis pissed on him when he was drunk?  That big bastard had steam comin out his ears for a week?"
>Raegan shook his head softly lowered his eyes.
>Dumptruck looks around.  The other apes step back as he tries to approach them.  They avert their gazes.
>For a second he looks desperate.  Half a second, maybe.
"Ah yeah?  Well fuck the lot of ya!  This place blows warthog dicks anyway.  There's shit everywhere.  And the chicks are all ugly, yeah, I'm talkin' ta you."
>He climbs up on your back.
"C'mon Anon, let's blow this joint.  I can't be seen around a bunch of lamers."
>They don't look at you too kindly either.
>The two of you make your way back into the dark jungle.
>Nobody follows.

MEANWHILE!
>You are Rarity.
>A slow shiver crawls up your spine and you moan pleasurably.
>Luckily, nop0ny is around to hear you.
>Something embarrassing just happened to Anon.
>Your day just gets better and better.
>You are currently reclining on your couch.  You finished closing up shop an hour ago and are now relaxing.
>A Marelequin romance novel is open before you.
>It's admittedly low-brow, but everyp0ny needs their guilty pleasures.  The fanciful, dreamy love stories were always just out of the realm of possibility for you in this small town, but that was okay.
>Everyp0ny needs her vice.
>At least it was better than those Derring-Do novels Rainbow is so absolutely voracious about.
>There's a knock on the door.
>You jump off your couch in surprise and quickly stuff your dirty, horrible secret under the seat cushions.  Opal rolls her eyes.
>"Oh please.  I know where you hid Winona's ball.  Don't fool yourself into thinking I don't know about that one."
>The cat starts to pout and trots off.
>The door knocks once more.
>"Coming!"  Who could it be?  You weren't in any near state of readiness to receive guests.
>A quick glance in the mirror.  A touch of magic along your curls and deep breathe is all you need for the moment.
>You open the door.
>"Oh...hello, Rainbow Dash."
>What was she doing here?  Didn't she have some...weather...appointment to tend to?
>You were always glad to see her, of course, as long as she didn't track cloud along the floors, or picked the bugs out of her wings that sometimes get caught in there as she sped about town like a crazy-mare.
"Rarity, have you seen Anon?"
>Your heart skips half a beat at the mention of HIM.  Rainbow's danced nervously on her hooves.
>"Why no dearest, I haven't seen him all day."  Which was the wonderful truth.  You DID have a perfectly Anon-free day.  "Is something the matter, Rainbow?"
>She chewed her lip for a moment.
"Well, tonight's movie night.  I normally go over to his place and we watch movies and get really drunk and..."
>She saw the look of shock and disapproval on your face.
"And do other...stuff..."
>"Yes...?"
"Yeah, well when I went to knock on his door I found this-"
>She pulled out a letter.
"I'm sorry to say that I am leaving Ponyville forever and you will never see my ugly, flat face ever again.  I will not say where I am going, but just know it is a place where a vile, two-legged carnivore like myself will be much happier than otherwise.  Love, Anon."
>The letter was probably not your best idea.
>"Well, it looks like he just...needed a change of environment, Rainbow.
"Rarity, this isn't Anon's handwriting.  And he doesn't dot his 'I's with hearts."
>"Well, he may have came to me the other night asking for help.  You know how terrible his penmanship is"
>Rainbow narrows her eyes for a moment.
"He asked you to help him write a letter?  YOU!?!?  Why would he do that?  What did he tell you?"
>"Oh...er, well, he didn't actually say much, but he was...he was very sincere and in quite a rush about leaving.  He had his bags with him and everything.  I was just as confused as you."
"Well, why didn't you say anything to us?"
>"You know how fickle and silly Anon can be.  I thought he just caught a passing humor.  I didn't expect him to actually leave!"
>She shook her head.  Her rough, colorful hair fell over her eyes.  They started to well.
"But...but he wouldn't just leave, right?  How could he do that without telling anyp0ny else?  Not even telling me!"
>She chewed at her lip some more.  The sight of her began to tug at your heartstrings.
>"Oh now, come here dear."  You give her a hug and pat her back.  "Anon is...well, he's different, yes?"
"He's my bro..."
>"Of course, sweetie.  But he is also a human, and sometimes their brains just don't work the way we expect them to.  So they just up and leave and will never bother us again.  I mean, I'm sure he wanted to say goodbye to you personally, but his big, round, silly skull just wouldn't let him."
>Rainbow still looked devastated.
"No, Anon wouldn't do that to me...I'll...I'll have to look around.  Somep0ny else must've seen him that night.  I can find out where he left and then I'll find him and bring him home!"
>"I wouldn't stress myself if I were you dear.  I'm sure he'll...send a postcard or something.  This is obviously an issue he has to work out on his own!"
"Nuh-uh!  I'm his friend, and if Anon has something he needs help with, then who's more qualified to lend a wing then the Dash!  He can't get rid of me that easily."
>She perks up.
"Yeah.  I'll get to the bottom of this, Rarity, don't you worry!  We'll have Anon back in no time."
>She flies off.
>Oh my.
>You close the door and retreat back to your couch.
>You don't feel like reading anymore.
>Doubt gnawed at the back of your mind.
>You were careful.  You were thorough.  You took precautions and great measures to ensure that nop0ny saw you that night, or could trace anything back to you.  You paid for the train tickets in cash, and under false names.  You took the express from several towns over, and had Anon shipped in a huge padded crate.
>Rainbow wouldn't trace this back to you, no matter how determined she was.  Even if she found out it was you, they still couldn't take Anon out of the Preserve...
>But still...
>You haven't seen her that upset in a very long time.
>Did she really care for Anon that much?  Could anyp0ny actually become that upset over the disappearance of a rude, dirty, reputation ruining, heart-shattering stink of an animal like Anon?
>Your mind did not provide an immediate answer.  Some speck of guilt nibbled at the back of your mind, even if you did not recognize it as such.
>You hugged your pillow.
>Your day wasn't so perfect anymore.