Thread 17: Stories 31-45

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>AJ
"Rarity"
'Spike'
~~~
Rarity and applejack are surveying reconstruction efforts with the occasional aid when they find Spike shifting through the rubble

"If it isn't our little hero!"

>howdy there, Spike, what's got'cha lookin' so down?

'... I'm not a hero, I couldn't do anything.'

"Darling, don't be ridiculous, that daring move you pulled with the Highwind was nothing short of spectacular!"

>An' ya made good use o' onna Blueblood's old munitions dumps.

'Luna did more, and the Highwind did jack shit, I did even less.'

>Alrigh', Spike, Ah love ya, but ya need to pull yer head outta yer ass! That thing was an unstoppable monster Shinin' beat only by a fluke!

"You must stop beating yourself up over things you can't control, you're not a god, you're not even an alicorn-"

'I'm just a dragon... A very weak and small one at that who hides behind tricks and toys...'

Rarity pulls Spike aside and smacks him lightly

"Spikey wikey, listen to me carefully: do you think Applejack and I are idiots?- NOT NOW, Applejack!"

applejack can't resist snickering.

'... No.'

"Do you honestly believe we would give the time of day to some idiotic savage?"

'... Uhh, you kind of do, it's part of being princesses and your generous natures.'

>Rares, that was a dumb question...

Rarity sighs and puts Spike down

"alright, let me put it this way: Applejack, did you mother ever tell you not to kiss a fool?"

>Well-

Rarity suddenly shoves Spike lips first against Applejack's face

Then Rarity holds Spike in front of hers

"And my mother certainly told me not to do the same!"

Rarity pulls Spike in for a much longer kiss

With tongue

>Alrigh'! Ya'll had yer fun!

Rarity releases Spike

"Now, hopefully you'll stop being in such a slump and just take pride in what you have accomplished."

>What she said. Ah mean all Ah could do was just stand 'round and keep folks from goin' crazy, Ah never even laid a hoof on 'er, an' even if Ah did, Ah woulda done less than you.

Applejack bends down and gives Spike a kiss on the cheek

>Yer a real hero, Spike, you an' yer friends. Ah wish we could give'em tha honor they deserve...

Spike just smiled and hugs both Applejack and Rarity

'We don't do this for glory, we don't do it for reward, we do it because we must, because doing all we can to help others is a responsibility, not an award.'

Rarity sniffs

"Feel better, Spikey?"

'A bit... I still don't want to be so helpless against each major foe we encounter. I want to get stronger, strong as I need to be to protect my friends, my home, and my family... But brooding and moping won't help. Thank you, both of you.'

>Jus' don' do anythin' foolish, loverboy.

'I promise nothing!'

Rarity leans in and gives one last kiss before Applejack and Rarity continue on their way

>... so how was his tongue?

"Simply divine, darling. Too bad you'll never have it."

>Heh, don' start placin' yer bets jus' yet, he still owes each o' us a date.
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Deep within the bowels of Chitania's-well, bowels, Private Bronze Pommel sat and pondered. Truly his was the worst luck imaginable, swallowed whole like the little wooden puppet that wanted to be a real colt, waiting for the monolithic Queen's digestion to kick in and dissolve him like a oat burger, making conversation with a murderous parasite...

"-and that's how I flunked astronomy," Pommel shrugged as Bob bounced off his shield for what felt like the hundredth time, "Electives, am I right?"

*Hissssss*

"Yeah, tell me about it, when you grow up knowing there's a vengeful goddess inside the moon waiting to come out and murder you, Coltpernicus' theories seem kinda stupid. Y'know what I've always wondered about?"

Another leap, another deflection, another hiss.

"Celestia raises and lowers the sun, right?"

...

"And the world is round, right?"

...

"So how does she get it to come back around the other side?"

*Hissssssssss*

"Blew your mind, right? Assuming you have one, being a weird changeling liver fluke-stomach fluke? I dunno. I got it down to two theories."

Leap, deflect, ker-splash.

"Theory one, when she lowers the sun, she pushes it super hard like the world's largest curveball so it comes back around after lighting up the other side of the world."

*Hissssss*

"Or theory two, there is in fact ANOTHER set of sun and moon goddesses on the other side, and it's like a big relay race that goes on forever. Seems kind of silly, but then again, I did flunk that class..."

Pommel looked up.

"HEY! DO YOU KNOW, LADY? CAN YOU HEAR ME UP THERE?! YOUR BRUNCH WANTS YOU TO SOLVE THE RIDDLES OF THE UNIVERSE!"

No answer came from above but for the echo of Pommel's shouts.

"Guess she doesn't."

*HISSSSSSS*

The sailboat creaked as its side was impacted.

"Gah! Hey, dirty pool, mister! You fight me pony to parasite, don't attack the boat!"

It rocked again, making Pommel sway. He gulped and began redoubling his efforts to think of an escape plan.

~~~~~~~~

"This...plan...sucks..."

Pommel grunted with exertion as he clung to the damp surface of Chitania's esophagus. His plan, as it stood, had seemed very simple: Just climb her insides, leap out of her mouth, and make a run for it. Unfortunately hooves weren't exactly conducive to climbing on sheer surfaces, forcing Pommel to pinch the skin in between his legs on either side and shimmy up like a caterpillar.

It didn't help that SOMEBODY had taken it upon itself to latch its many teeth around Pommel's tail.

"You're a real bastard, you know that?"

*Hisssss!*

Pommel's progress was slowing, and he didn't like it one bit, all it would take is one swallow, one roar, one errant bout of mouth-breathing and he'd be sent packing back into the stomach with a dangerous monster quite literally on his tail.

"Ngh...if we fall I hope you impale your ass on something!"

*Hisssss!*

He kept going, kept climbing his way to hopeful freedom. Trying not to slip and fall to his most assurable doom, and ignore the oversize tapeworm trashing around with his tail in its mouth.

Finally it seemed as though his ordeal had reached it's end, he could see light getting closer, filtering in between the fangs of the monolithic Queen. Soon throat would become mouth and he'd blast his way out!

Then Bob began swinging itself back and forth under him.

"Hey! The hell are you doing down there!?"

As it gained momentum, Pommel's eyes widened as Bob's tail became level with his head and wrapped around his neck.

"Gack! You...asshole..."

Pommel thrashed, gasping for air and trying not to release his grip. His vision blurring, he tried to make out something, anything he could use. The tip (or rather base) of Chitania's tongue was close, perhaps if he...

"Nngh...best...in...the world..."

He leapt for it, hooves flailing, eyes closed, praying to some merciful god that he'd succeed!

His hooves wrapped around something, swinging, damp. Slowly he opened his eyes...and then widened them.

He wasn't holding on to the tongue.

"Oh god, not the dangly thing!"

The rumbling from below began almost instantaneously, signaling the coming of a great peril. Bob's coiled tail slacked for a moment, an understanding of absolute terror shared between Pony and Parasite.

"Hold me..." Pommel whimpered.

Bob began strangling him again, harder than before.

"Ggrgh! Not! What! I! Meant!"

And in the next moment, the world was chaos...


~~~~~~

"BLURRRRRRGH!"

The sight of a Changeling Queen the size of a building upchuck was truly a sight to behold. Miles away, in his hospital bed, Shining Armor's mind began subconsciously calculating points.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

Chitania's rage grew fiery as she wiped stomach acid from her maw and glared down at what had previously been in her stomach. The splintered remains of a sailboat, rocks both large and small, some very confused and shaken birds, and rising from the mess in the shallows off her newfound island prison were two taciturn figures.

Private Pommel groaned, he had endured many indignities in his life as a guard, 77's first lesson in the Everfree forest, the many violent deaths at the hands of the Cave Troll simulation...but being vomited up by a giant changeling, that was a new one.

"I'm...alive," He said as he rose, "I'm ALIVE! HAHAHA! BEST IN THE-HURK!"

Like a coiled snake, Bob slammed into Pommel's chest, seeking to kill and devour him at last! With a growl, Pommel's horn glowed, blasting the worm away and scrambling up to his hooves.

"Ok...that's it," Pommel glared as the parasite righted itself and prepared to strike, "Showdown time, one will stand one will-"

Bob shrieked as he was suddenly and abruptly immolated in green fire. In the next instant, a giant chitinous hoof squashed him flat.

"I knew I felt something slithering around in there," A booming voice growled from above.

Pommel gulped and looked up in time to lock gazes with Chitania.

"Now what to do with you..."

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>29
"MM"
'Trixie'
[Zecora]
{???}
~~~~

>So, should we stop by Berry's Brewery or Time Vine Wines first?

"Berry, she needs the sales. Her daughter's getting braces."

'The GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE does not care where we get them from, she simply wishes to get HAMMERED!'

[Indeed, the time has passed for me to think. What I need right now is a nice long drink.]

"At Niney's place."

>WHAT!?

"Zecora's hut is too far away, Trixie doesn't live here and I break stuff when I get sloshed. You see my problem, right? I don't want to break my stuff."

>...

{YOU!}

His glaring response would have to wait, for an brown earth pony had just stomped up to the slightly lighter shade of brown earth pony and stuck a hoof in her chest.

{You think you're SO CLEVER, DON'T YOU!?}

"To be fair, I'm pretty sure someone else thought of putting butter on toast before me, they wouldn't let me patent it."

{DON'T PLAY DUMB!}

[With her, I have not spent a lot of time. But if the bet is whether she is playing, I would not wager a dime.]

"HEY!"

{You just HAD to be the big hero, didn't you? Just HAD to save the town from certain destruction and solidify your political career! SO CLEVER!}

"...Wasnnny..."

{Come again?}

"It... uh... it was Niney. Niney did that. 29. That Changeling right there. I just... just kind of ran and screamed."

{...Oh...OH! Uh... thanks?}

>Do not thank me too much, for my unleashing of mine full might was supposed to RENT her head from her shoulders as if she were a doll, and I the demented toddler that holds her. Alas, all I could do was to make her look away.

{...}

'Do you not understand, fool? He said-'

{I got it.}

"Oh, you can understand sexy-speak? I have trouble following it sometimes."

{Right. Well... in that case.}

The hoof-shake was a bit strained, but 29 complied.

{Excellent work, Mister 29! You have made an invaluable contribution to this town! And since that pegasus I hired came back and confirmed my baby DIDN'T die a horrible death when her airship hit the ground, I have no reason to hate your guts, and can wipe the spittle off the rocket I had in my mouth in the horrifying interim.}

>...W...what?

{As for you, Mayor Mare, I shall see you at the debates! Good day!}

"...Wait... SOMEONE'S RUNNING AGAINST ME!?"

'Looks like it.'

"...ALCOHOL, NOW!"

[Then away to the store, away our worries will be washed! My friends of this evening, we are going to get sloshed!]

"WOOO!"

>No, but seriously, do we have to go to my-

~~~~~the next morning.~~~~~

"UHGGGGGGHHHHBLAAAARRRGHHH!"

>Why won't you use the toilet!?

"Zeccy's ova thrrr..."

[HURRRRKKKKK! This is the WOOOORRRKKKKK!]

>...Dedicated to her style, I'll give her that.

'C-can you keep it down? Trixie has a GREAT-OW! And POWERFUL-OWOWOWOW!... headache.'

>...I had fun.

"It was kind of ni-BLAAARRRGHHHHH!"

>...At least until my literature turned green.

'...Can we do this again sometime?'

[Indeed, that night was most exciting! The perfect way to cap off a bit of fighting.]

>I suppose a bit of merriment does a soul good, to remind them of the time high when they are brought to their lowest. Even if it does end with Zecora trying to fly with my ceiling fan.

"H-hah! Glad you were too hammered to talk sexy last night, I would'a done stuff."

[Do not mock me, I made it high! Though I am glad you stopped me, I would probably die.]

'That was crazy.'

>Speaking of... who's panties am I wearing?

"..."
[...]
'...None of us were wearing panites when we arrived.'

>...Huh...
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>Chrysalis
"Various Changelings"
'Queenlings
~~~
>alright, I guess I have been sort of deceitful with all of you, so i'm going to be upfront, who amongst you wants to become Queen?

"Not me, your majesty!"

"Long live Chrysalis!"

"I'm a dude, I can't!"

"Nope!"

"Dude! I can't be the queen! I can't handle that pressure!"

etc. etc. when suddenly!

'WE ARE QUEEN!'

"Gasp!"

>Gasp!

"Gasp!"

"Wait, why are we all just shouting 'gasp'?"

>Show yourselves!

At that point, out from the crowds of changelings stepped a quartet of distinct attire. One with a mustache and suspenders, a microphone strapped to his back and a stern look, one with a big, bushy mane, one with a short mane cut, and the last one with a short, spikey mane, all of them smirking

>Sigh of relief. You really had me going there, FreddieJack, MayJack, DeaconJack, and TaylorJack. But not a funny joke to play on me, okay?

'Sorry, your majesty. We wrote a new song about you. Wanna hear?'

>I'd love to but, later. Now then, has anyone seen MechaJack? There's always been something off about that guy I can't place my hooves on.
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>Celestia
"Chrysalis"
'AJ'
-Rarity-
[Spike]
~~~~

>Oh, this was a brilliant

"What the hell did you do?"

'RATS!'

>You see this game here? It's a simple game.

-OH BLAST IT ALL!-

"Oh? How does it work?"

'TARNATION!'

>You pick up the little ball, and you chuck it at the thing in the center.

-UNFABULOUS!-

"Isn't he supposed to dunk in water for that game?"

'GALDANGEDSONOFA-'

>Yes, but that would mess up his tuxedo. For you see, the winner of the games does not get a standard prize. Rather, they get a special one.

-I WILL DESTROY YOU!-

"...Does that really say 'win a date'?"

>It does.

'APPLEBUCKINFUCKINHELL!"

-RAAAARRRHGG!-

[She blackmailed me into this.]

>Wanna try? Five bits a throw. I've already made over a hundred bits, and counting.

"...Ehhh, sure."

>Wait, wha-

'ARE YA'LL FUCKING KIDDIN' ME!?'

-YOU WRETCHED! HORRIBLE! DESPICABLE LITTLE THING!-

"HAH! I won a date with Lizardo!... Can I trade this in for one with Shiny?"

>No.

"Oh well... Hey! Lizardbreath! You paying for this?"

[No.]

"Fuck, who even cares then?..."

-...-
'...'

"...Bidding starts at one hundred bits."

-TWO HUNDRED!-

'FOUR!'

-EIGHT!-

'ONE THOUSAND!'

>...NOOOOOOOOO!

[This is really demeaning.]
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"Queenlings"
>SA
'Chrysalis'
-------
"Oh, she's a killer Que-een
Full o' sticky gelatine
Dynamite on caffeine
Shiny she will blow your-"

>2 IS RIGHT HERE!

Comical record scratch.

"err ... mind?"

'Spoilsport.'
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>SA
"Doctor"
~~~~

"Your highness? You wanted to see me?"

>Get rid of this on my medical file.

"...Sire, I can't just-"

>I'm fine, it doesn't need to be there.

"Okay, I don't know a whole lot about current century soldier customs, but I'm pretty sure nothing about your condition is "Fine'. I'm pretty sure your X-ray showed hoof imprints in your kidney."

>It's not that bad.

"..."

>...Okay, just because you are holding up an x-ray, and I do indeed have what looks like a marking of some form, does not mean it is what you said it is.

"What do you have to prove? Really, I know machismo is high with you soldier types, but you took on a giant monster who stomped Canterlot flat by yourself and sent her running with her tail between her legs, I think you're in the clear as far as proving your strength."

>It... it's not that....

"Well, what is it then?"

>Uh... my wife says she's worried about the... strain...

"..."

>...It's been a while...

"...No."

>EVIL! PURE EVIL!

"I am not putting my patient at risk of internal bleeding so he can get some."

>CRUSHING MY HEART, MAN!

"No, that would be the phantom pain of when someone actually tried crushing your heart."

>EEEEEVVIIIIIILLLLL!

"I hear that a lot, actually. But it usually comes from toddlers."

>EEEEEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL!
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>Celestia
"Applejack"
~~~

"Princess? Have a question."

>...You know I no long have a balcony to jump out of, right? It's gone. Punched to an early demise.

"...Just wanted ta' check and make sure yer' okay."

>My back and wings have thankfully begun the healing process, and my magical reserves have been steadily restoring since it happened, and I should be back to normal within a day or two.

"Not what Ah' meant."

>She stepped on not a one pony nor Changeling within my city. Buildings are but rocks stacked together, they can be restacked. Ponies are made of tiny squishy bits, they cannot. One guard fell, and make no mistake I felt that death, but in comparison to what may have been... I made the right choice.

"...Ya'll read that off that little note on the table, didn't ya'?"

>His hoof may be broken in three places, and he may have less magic than Sweetie Belle on a bad day, but he finds a way.

"Speakin' of, that's kind o' why Ah' came ta' see ya'. Notice ya' ain't been over ta' see him. Ya'll ain't... tryin' ta' distance yer'self, are ya'?"

It was such a relief to hear her laugh again.

>No no no, dear Applejack. I have lived many a century, and I know better than anyone that pushing someone away due to mortality is a little silly. Really, what do I think would happen? He would just not die or something? That if we got in another round of rocket hang-gliding it would hurt extra hard? Come on. He's in the hospital and is advised not to be moved, and it would probably look bad if I were to suddenly hop over to another country while we are still putting out fires.

"Ah'..."

>Don't worry, I'm thankful for his help, and plan on having a lot more fun adventures with him in time... and he knows...

Miles and miles away, relaxing in his hospital bed amidst the pleasant hum of the busy sounds of the castle, the white stallion just snuggled a bit further into his soft as a cloud pillow... and snuck one last peak at the tiny slip of paper by his bedside.

>He knows...
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>Applejack
"Twilight"
~~~
Applejack sits nervously as Twilight walks in with a clipboard, playing with the plants sprouting at her feet a bit

>... Well?

"Well? I'm not sure what can be said, Applejack, your six months in, you've gained enormous weight, you've been feeling movement, you've been experiencing cravings, increased libido, nausea, early lactation, the same symptoms you had last week when you came in! And before you ask, the sonogram picked up three heartbeats."

>How is this even possible! You said dragon, pony hybrids were a one in a thousand chance fer even Alicorns, an' Spike an' Ah used protection.

"Typical alicorns, Applejack! What did you think the plants and flowers flourishing around you meant? That you were the princess of domestic gardening?"

>Ah'm pretty sure it's on mah resume somewhere on tha resume, 'long wit' tha buttload o' other things Celestia's got me doin'.

NON CANON
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>77
"Cheerilee"
'Spike'
-Celstia-
(AJ)
[Rarity]

>Poppet this seems highly innapropriate.

"Hm? Oh come now dear, I figured you changelings would be more...open."

77 and Cheerilee are standing in front of the 'Win a Date with Spike' booth.

>What? No no, you misunderstand me. That part doesn't bother me. The prospect of succeeding and...

'Going on a date with a me would be pretty weird, considering we're BOTH in relationships?'

>Yes, thank you.

'No problem.'

"Oh come on, dear, it's for a good cause!"

>But couldn't we simply donate directly?

"Where's the fun in that?"

-Look, Knifey--

>77.

-77, I got a solution, just turn around and lob it! It's a million to one chance you'll hit.-

>Ah, that sounds reasonable, I shall do just that.

77 lays a few bits down on the counter, retrieves the softball and turns around.

>Alright...

He throws the ball over his shoulder and exhales.

>Ah, well, there's that bit of charity done, come Poppet, we-

*DING*

'...no way.'

"Huh, never would have guessed. You should try out for baseball, honey."

-WE HAVE A WINNAH! Have him home by one, pal.-

>...bollocks.

AJ and Rarity stand next to all of this, piles of empty bags contaiming spent bits litter the ground.

[(OH COME THE FUCK ON!)]
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>42
"Chrysalis"
~~~

>A-hem, um... Majesty?

"Yes?"

>I... well, 77 is currently with the hive, so I was uh, wondering...

"If I needed you for anything else?"

>N-no! I mean... of course! What did you need me for, Majesty?

"Nothing."

>Oh... well, in that case, can... I was wondering if I could-

"Yes."

>I... I haven't told you what it is yet.

"Meh, you know what you're doing. Go on, go do the thing you want to do."

>Thank you, Highness!

"...Hey! 42!"

She skidded to a halt just before she reached the door.

"Say hi to Shiny for me."

>I... I wasn't necessarily...

"..."

>...Yes, Majesty!

Without waiting for another word, she was off.

"...Pfft, that girl is so pathetic sometimes."
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>Spike
"Applejack"
'Celestia'
~~~
Applejack and Spike sit upon a hill at sunset

"Partner, this has been magical..."

>Thanks, Applejack.

The two smile to one another and claw and hoof moved closer to the touch when the sun suddenly flared to life, and before them stood Celestia

"Uh... Princess?"

'I AM NOT A PRINCESS, I AM A GENERAL! THE LEWDNESS GENERAL! AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO HOLD HOOVES, THE LEWDEST ACT OF ALL! BY THE POWERS VESTED IN ME BY ANONYMOUS ON 4CHAN, I DEEM YOU BOTH GUILTY!'

>You can't kill us.

'WHY NOT?'

Applejack smiks and gestures to the massive stacks of paperwork

"Wanna tackle all that yerself, sugarcube?"

'...You win this round, lewdness...'

NON CANON
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>DT
"SS"
'Spike'
[Celestia]
~~~
'Ow.'

"Come on, Tiara."

'Ow!'

"Tiara, that's enough!"

'Hey! That was my eye!'

"Tiara, come on, I thought the whole lamby lamby thing paid you in full!"

>I'm not doing it on purpose, honest...

['Bullshit!']

>Come on, Celestia, daddy gave me a thousand bits to blow on this and I've only spent a hundred, you REEAAALLY wanna lose out on that kind of donation money for Canterlot?

'Son of a- that was the leg that got blown off!'

Diamon Tiara throws the next ball and Celestia catches it with magic then smacks it against the target

[Yes. Seems like you also owe someone a magical evening.]

Celestia leans in, glaring

[AM I RIGHT?]

>... Dammit.
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>Batmom
"Midnight Blossom"
~~~
"Hey, girlfriend, how you been?"

>Throwing up, feeling movement, some days wondering how my husband even knew how to have sex to begin with how little he knows about babies and pregnancy.

"That's just how all men are. They're eager to do the deed but when it comes time they don't wanna do THE deed."

>Middy, please stop projecting your exes onto my current relationship, and stop it with the sassy zebra thing.

"Sorry."

>So how are things going in the Guard?

"We been pretty overworked with the reconstruction but it's been going smoothly, between day and night guards we're literally working around the clock and some of Princess Sparkle's new inventions, it's going pretty smoothly and should only get better. She's working out a new freight teleporter."

>Freight only?

"Yeah, she doesn't trust organic matter, whatever that means, I mean we're still a shitton a molecules, just differently arranged from a rock, not to sound nihilistic. by the way, Celestia's found no candidates amongst the Day Guard and her busyness means she's trusting Luna to pick a new guard captain. So everyone's peacocking now."

>Oh, any word on the candidates?

"Well, currently Sunshine-"

>That idiot?! Midnight! Help me! If Sunshine ends up the Captain of the guard, we're all fucked. I'm going straight to Luna.

"What're you gonna do? Ask her to give you captaincy along with paid maternity leave?"

>Or nominate you.

"WHAT?!"

NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Crystal Guard
"Day Guard"
'Night Guard'
~~~~

>YOU'RE OKAY!

"YOU'RE OKAY!"

'WE'RE BOTH OKAAAAAYYYY!'

>"'GROUP HUUUUUUGGGG~!"'

>Y-you guys! You had me freaking out! I thought my writing buddies had left this world, and the end of the grand adventures as penned by the three musketeers had finally arrived!

"Nope! Still kicking!"

'I wasn't even in Canterlot.'

"And on that note... um..."

>Yes, we absolutely can work her into the stories.

'I don't know, not really into macro-fetish stuff.'

"Yeah, skeeves me out too."

>Oh, agreed. But rumor going around is that she shrunk down to about Chrysalis's size when his Majesty fought her.

"So... what you're saying is..."

'There's a Changeling Queen who physically becomes hotter and more fuckable the more you beat her up?'

>AND doing so would win you big points from the griffons, who she stomped through...

"...MY INSPIRATION COULD PIERCE THE HEAVENS RIGHT NOW!"

'BRING ME A DIAMOND, AND I SHALL SPLIT IT IN TWAIN!'

>Ahhh... hard to imagine how the world would have stayed spinning if something had happened to us.

"All that great literature, lost to time..."

'But no time for coulda-beens, time now instead for writing!'

>Look out, world! We ride again!

Subconsciously, every single writer on the planet flinched, and they would never know why.
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