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Welcome to the equivalent of offline runs.

This has proven to be an enormous source of stress for me. (Speedrunning? Stress? Never could've guessed!) I resolved to keep trying offline, but then thought uuuuuuuuuugh why not stream it in case anyone wishes to watch the struggle that is bound to ensue. The interactive side of streaming is currently locked away from me. My shame holds the key. I hate getting stressed and down and out on stream. I beat myself black and blue about it until I am unrecognizable. Figuratively.

I WILL NOT HAVE MY CHAT OPEN until further notice during any of these streams. Know that I will see nothing.

What drives me right now is getting that last PB. I will do it up super nice with highly polished commentary...I hope!--I know there's a certain satisfaction my brain receives in simply saying I will do something--communicating that to an audience. We'll see if my brain still wishes to achieve what satisfaction remains of actually seeing it through.



I just want to share this because I don't know. It makes me feel all kinds of ways that I still haven't deciphered. I made like $1200 so far this year on Twitch. That is double if not triple the usual amount for the timeframe. And it is mostly due to a few individuals going far above and beyond the call of duty. Helping out while I was inbetween jobs. Being basedgods. I still feel terribly behind in some made-up game of Thanks. I just don't know what to do. And now I feel I've let them and everyone else down with the streams that will be going forward from here. I am sorry. Some day things'll be better.







regards,
a mentally unwell me but yes im ok