Life Update

I normally don't do this kind of pastebin announcement or talk about my life. Sure, I've done it a couple times, but usually I just talk about my life with a couple close friends and that's about it. However, today is gonna be different. I've been planning to make this pastebin for weeks, because I feel like I want to reach out and talk to as many people as I can about how I'm feeling about my life. I would ask that if you do care about me (I know that's not a lot of you guys, but still) please read this all the way through. And yes, it will be written extremely poorly.

Ever since a little after starting high school, I was so excited to be in university. I saw it as a place where I could be free. I was free to do whatever I loved, and free to pursue whatever I wanted. It's not like I was unhappy with my life in high school, but university seemed like the time where I would become a responsible adult. Where I would make choices for myself and find my world in this world. Of course I was nervous. I'm not exactly an extroverted person, so I worried about meeting people. But I really and truly believed that everything was going to be okay. At the end of high school, I thought I knew who I was, and what exactly I wanted to become. At that point in time, just 2 months ago, I was sooooo happy with my life.

But now I feel so lost. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how to word exactly what I feel right now, and part of the reason why I am writing this up.

First of all, I feel unbelievably lonely at this point in my life. I'm trying to convince myself that I can be okay with just the people I can speak to online, but the truth is that I still feel like shit no matter what. I definitely know why I don't have any close friends at this school right now; I'm so scared to open up to people and my fear of rejection is greater than my want to create friends. But how do I fix this? How do I convince myself that I need to open up?

My classes are going okay. I do really enjoy going to most of them, and I do really want to get my degree. But also, I can't helping feeling that I'm a cog in the machine. I don't feel like I'm going to university because I'm passionate, I feel like I'm just going because that's the socially accepted path. I feel that way, but logically that doesn't make sense. I've always been great at school and academic work, so of course that's the path I should take. But it doesn't make me feel special or alive. I feel like I'm only doing what's expected of me, nothing more, nothing less. It makes me feel like I'm not even alive.

And these factors have contributed to a shitty lifestyle. I'm eating terribly and getting sick more often than I usually do. I'm not getting any exercise, largely because I'm too scared to go to the gym and be surrounded by lost of people. I'm way to scared to look like an idiot or look weak so much so that I just retreat instead. Why? Maybe it's because I feel like I can't trust other people to be encouraging. I see the attitudes of many of the people here and wonder why I don't feel the same way as them. Why do I not like going out to parties and talking to other people, like a normal person would. I know logically that there must be people here who are similar enough to me to have meaningful connections, but I can't find them. So much of the day is just spent on my laptop browsing through YouTube, through Twitch, through Twitter, watching anime....

Watching anime. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that this is a good activity to participate in. It's something that is a shared interest for so many of my friends, both online and in real life. It's allowed me to have some of the happiest times of my life, and it's allowed my to learn a lot about myself in my earlier teenage years. But I can't help but find it problematic. Deep down, I think that anime is like a drug that I depend on. It makes me feel whole, if only temporarily, and I tell myself that I could "leave at any time". But I can't. I've gotten to the point where I depend on anime so much to feel emotion that now I haven't learned how to do that without anime. In reality, anime is partially poisonous to me.

Honestly, I myself am trying to figure out what I'm saying in this pastebin and really I have no clue. I'm just writing this pastebin one sentence at a time, with pretty much no plan or structure to it. I think my point is that I want to share with everyone how dead and deflated I feel. I feel like I'm not even living right now. I feel completely dead. Is this what being an adult feels like? Lifeless, just walking through and trying to make it to the end?

I WANT TO BECOME SPECIAL

I want to do something no one has done before, do things that no one has done before. I want to do something........something. I think that's a universal feeling, so I think that if I really want to do something special, I should start working toward it NOW. I don't wanna wait until I graduate, and I don't wanna waste my youth. Maybe this sounds cliche, or idiotic, but it's truly the way I feel.

I know this was a shitty explanation, and maybe I can communicate myself in a different way. Because of grant in gunner's discord I recently watched an anime called Flavors of Youth. If you ever end up watching that, the way those characters feel in their sad moments is sort of what I feel like right now.