Anon in Equestria: I Wish I Wasn't Sober Part 2

Anon in Equestria: I Wish I Wasn't Sober Part 2

>you stand around, trying to dispel this ominous feeling that's permeated the surroundings
>apart from some concerns of resupplying certain items that you wouldn't really be able to manufacture in Equestria, you now had a strange pink pony on your mind
>you had to do everything to ensure that anything she was to concoct wouldn't end up hurting your business too much
>as such, you had to continue production of your flagship product and keep researching new chocolate bars to stay one- nay, two steps ahead of the competition!
>you were born to do this
>in a serious, low tone, you say
"Snails, hold the fort.  I've got work to do"
>you pay no attention to his reply
>or how he was drowning in his current situation of jugging customers and bagging their purchased goods
>experience would be a harsh mistress to the lanky colt
>you might need another employee if you were to work in the back room like this
>oh well, you'll put a sign up

---
>two days later
---

>you've hit a wall
>you can't get this coffee toffee marble bar to hold together
>it's fucking toffee
>why isn't it holding with to the chocolate and malted milk puff?
>THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EQUESTRIA, WHERE MAGIC MADE THINGS WORK
>you want to talk to Equestria's fucking manager
>you want a refund
>you wouldn't give this up
>the design was perfect, the execution flawless
>but it still didn't stick together as a bar
>WHY
>WHY WHY WHY
>you'd tried pounding it
>mashing it
>smacking it
>heating it
>cooling it
>you had even tried...
>you shudder at the thought
>you'd even tried power tools
>with damaged pride, you took a step back
>you haven't stopped in a good 42 hours
>organizing the workspaces a little to try to clean up your mess, you lose yourself in thought
>the physics of toffee adhesion would require more study
>knocking at the door
"WHAT!!!" you yell
>who would dare bother you now, of all times?
"Mr. Sir. Anon manager Sir. Mr. Manager Mr...?" calls a nervously cracking, shaky, and completely uncertain voice
>oh
>it was Snails
>you sigh, replying with a bit more patience
"Yes, what is it"
"Well Mr. Anon, I just wanted to know if I could go home now..."
>he's been working nonstop?
>oh no
>no this was terrible
>how could you forget about something so important!?
>THE OVERTIME PAY
>NOOOOOOOOO!!!
"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUUUUT!"
>you start chasing him out the store
"AAAAAH!!!" he yells with fright as your messy-haired, tattered clothing, candy-covered form bolts towards him
"COME BACK IN FOR REGULAR HOURS TOMORROW" you bellow
>Snails flees, yelling
"DON'T HURT ME!"
>you wave as he runs off into the distance
>you really needed another coworker
>a few minutes later, you balance the cash and shut the store down
>it was late anyways, the p0nies didn't usually shop late
>you roll out the makeshift bed you've been using and fall asleep quickly, regardless of your toffee troubles
>you wake up to your trusty clock buzzing
>unlike that bitch on the wall, this one was quite reliable
>you give the wall clock a dirty look
>you'll be watching her closely
>it was behaving for now, but you wouldn't let your guard down
>you ready the store for opening
>coffee was warming up
>lights turning on
>you flip the sign to "Open"
>ready for a brand new day
>Snails walked in an hour late, on time as usual
>a few regulars
>the day felt a little slow
>you were still selling your Chewy Nutella Nougat Crisp well, but it was slowing
>hmmm
>like a slow static shock, you feel the snaking realization spark through your mind
>Pinky Pie
>you twirl on the spot, making a fully rotation before heading out of the door in front of you
>the situation had called for it
>dramatic
>exit
>(.avi)
>you walk across town, grumbling, lips trembling, furrowed brow
>p0nies part in front of you like the seas before Moses
>Sugarcube Corner
>your stare would have lit the building on fire if it wasn't so damned delicious looking
>opening the door with staggering force, you make every being in the store jump
>your eyes go wide when you realize that there's a new shelf on the rack inside the glass display
>"Pinkie's Bubbly Balloon Bubblegum Party Pie Bars"
>that hyperactive pony dared?
>there would be hell to pay
>you walk forward, a black miasma forming around you
>you begin to float off the ground
>your eyes shine with a dark, unholy fire
>they sink back into your skull, weeping blood onto your cheeks
>you begin to sing a shrill cry, like the screeching of nails on chalkboard mixed in with tortured screaming of wounded cats
"ssccccccrrrRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
>outside, day seems to turn into night
>the customers inside the sweet shop scramble against the walls, shuddering in fear
>unable to scream
>Pinkie bounds in
>over your wail, she gleefully announces
"Hello Mr. Anon!  It's nice to see you in Sugarcube Corner.  What can I do for you?"
>instantly, everything is back as it was
>no blood
>no screeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
>no miasma
>no hovering
>sun shining brightly outside
>with a regular expression and tone, you ask
"I'd like to purchase one "Pinkie's Bubbly Balloon Bubblegum Party Pie Bar" please."
"That'll be five bits."
"Thank you."
"Please come again!"
>you exit the store, holding the strange candy bar
>this was war
>Pinkie was attempting to start her own line of candy bars
>you attack the colorful confection, shoving it angrily in your mouth
>WHAT WIZARDRY WAS THIS
>it bubbled
>it fizzled
>it partied inside your mouth
>like little bubblegums bubbling candy explosions of little pie balloons
>it was no cheap pop rocks, it was like actual bubblegum bubbles
>with a pie crust and sumptuous pie filling
>how?
>you were now very afraid
>how could you ever compete against such masterful candy?
>this was a world out of your league
>this was a God's candy bar
>you sink to your knees
>crumbling to the ground in front of Sugarcube Corner, you slack lifelessly
>was it all over?
>were you going to be washed off the face of P0nyville?
>a simple oddity?
>doomed to remain a curious, small, forgotten little one-store franchise?
>you look up into the clear blue sky
>warm sunlight on your skin
>it felt like hope
>maybe one day
>maybe when you are old and senile
>maybe when you have no more strength left in your brittle bones
>maybe that day, you would give up, lie down, let the God take you
>but not today
>nay, for today is the day when you stand up and usurps this God's candy kingdom
>you rotate on the spot, your spirit rising as you stand back up, still spinning
>360 degrees were not enough
"RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" you yell, completing a full 1080
>fist raised in defiance, you moonwalk back into Sugarcube Corner
>the door opening in sheer fright of your entrance, you scare the daylights out of the customers yet again
"Mr. Anon!  It's so great to see you again, did you like it?" asks Pinkie
>you point at her with an outstretched arm
"We better talk
>you point to the door
outside"
>Pinkie bounds over the counter
"Okay, what about?"
>she then calls out
"Mr. and Mrs. Cake, I'm stepping out for a few minutes!"
>you hear hurried replies of "Pinkie?  Wait!" but neither you or the Pink candy wizard pay any heed to them
"So Anon, what did you want to talk about outside?  Is it the weather?  It's so nice outside, I think Rainbow Dash did her morning cloud-clearing, she's really good at it!  You've met Rainbow, right?  She's like the best flier in Equestria, maybe that's what you wanted to talk about?  She's gone to the wo-
"Pinkie!"
>you weren't in the store, so interrupting her wasn't so bad
>wasn't like interrupting a customer...
>you continue
"Pinkie, I came here to declare that we have a bit of a problem now, and that you better get ready, because I'm about to get...  I'm about to get wild."
>she raises an eyebrow
"What problem?  Is it serious?  If you need Fluttershy's help with your wildness, I'm sure she'll be happy to lend a hoof.  She's really good with wild animals and stuff!"
>you shake your head, swinging an arm around and barking the reply
"Pinkie, I'm saying I'm about to unleash the fire.  This town isn't big enough for the both of us."
"Anon, you're not THAT big, I mean you're taller than like, everyp0ny I know but you actually take less floor space..."
"FINE!  Have it your way.  I propose a contest.  Tomorrow, here, at noon.  The contestant with the best candy bar wins."
>Pinkie bursts into giggles
"I LOVE contests!  It'll be so fun, contests are like the best kind of games!"
>her confidence angers you
"You want to play games?  We'll see how much you like this game when I
>you glare at her, jumping to a handstand
change
>with twirl of your waist, you spin once and land in a bridge, still staring at the quadruped
the
>you spring back up and switch to Burter’s pose from the Ginyu force
RULES"
>you cartwheel away, leaving Pinkie where she stood
"Okay, it'll be even more fun!" she replies, grinning ear to ear
>she burst into laughter moments later and happily cartwheels for a few seconds, going "Weeeeee!"
>you were too far away to notice
>back in your BATFE store, you glared at the pink menace as she happily bounced back into Sugarcube Corner
>there was no stopping you now
>you look at the store, almost empty save for Snails and a couple customers just browsing around
>a rather small but chubby p0ny was around Snails
"You." you say, pointing at the chubby one
"Me?" he answers, his voice squeaky and rough
"You're hired.  Get to work.  Snails will show you what to do."
>you take down the "We're hiring" sign
"But I wasn't looking for a jo-
>you slam the door behind you
>one small problem down, one large one to tackle
>more than a mere problem, this was
>you had to take down a God
>a pink, bubbly God
>from your realm of dark, deep chocolate, on your throne of nutty, chewy goodness
>you would challenge the heavens of pastel bonbons and sugary sweets
"SNAILS, GET IN HERE!" you roar
>throwing on a white lab coat, you slip on big, black, thick rubber gloves and safety goggles
>the lanky unicorn runs in
"Yes Mr. Manager Anon Sir?" he slowly stutters
"How's our new employee?"
"Well I just finished teaching him how to put on the unifor-
"Wonderful, now I need your help with this experiment of mine..." you say, moving closer, hands outstretched
>Snails steps back, weary
>your tone is dangerous
"It shouldn't take long."
>before Snails can scamper out, you grab him and drag him towards the large, metallic table in the center of the room
"Wh-what are you doing?!"
>you lift him up and lash him to the cold, bare metal surface
"...Mr. Sir Manager Anon Man?"
>Snails is almost in tears
"Be very still, now."
>although the captured unicorn can't exactly move, he stops fidgeting
>now only shivering with fright
>you've strapped his head down, he can't even look away
>you grab a large cleaver and raise it above the helpless colt
>he shuts his eyes tightly and screams as you swing down
SHWIINNGG-THUNK
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH"
SWIISSHHH-SPLATCH
"AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEERRRGHH"
SHHH-THACK
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHEEEEEEHHHHRR"
>the cleaver's vicious cuts land with resounding impacts, singing through the air and smashing down with ground-shaking hacks
>never has toffee been cut so neatly before
>the bits were in a perfect row right above Snail's head
>as the young stallion stops screaming and opens his eyes, he sees you throw the cleaver off to the side
"Now just shoot some magic while I twist this all together..."
>you start kneading the toffee bits
"Mr. Anon manager Sir?  Why am I tied down?"
>you roll your eyes
"Well I can't have you moving around while you magic this candy together, you might miss and get the toffee stuck to my hands or something"
>as sparks start to shoot out of his horn, he calms down and mumbles
"Okay..."
>after a few attempts, you think you have the method down
>you make a few bars
>they're now a twisted, damascus-like pattern of coffee toffe, chocolate and malted milk puff
>it was perfect
>you untied Snails
"You can go back to work now, make sure the new guy hasn't set the store on fire or something," you say, nonchalant
>you stare at the simple tray of chocolate bars
>looking at them intensely, you rub your chin
>it was probably the best thing to have been made by human hands
>the blending of flavors, the proportions of the ingredients
>it was wonderful just to look at
>would it meet Pinkie Pie's bubbly creation?
>as it sat?
>probably...
>but it wouldn't exceed it
>it was missing something
>you were still thinking inside the box
>think think think
>how could you take down a God with something this simple?
>this just wouldn't do
>you move the new confections aside
"SNAAAAIIILS, COME BACK IN HERE!"
>you had a bit of work to do
>with the nervous unicorn now white with fearful foreboding, you snapped the rubber gloves back on

---
>six hours later
---

>Snails is unconscious, tongue hanging out, lying in a heap
>you're hurting everywhere
>bleeding in a few places
>slouched in a chair, biting at your dry, chapped lips
>breathing heavily
>yet your eyes shine with passionate fury
>they gleam with a fire as they see what has been completed
>an aberration of nature
>a blasphemy on the laws of existence
>it bends light
>it makes nearby objects fall over
>it even has a sound
>this new candy bar
>this new candy bar was incomprehensible
>you could only see the shadow of it, for it existed in four dimensions of space and two dimensions of time
>the coffee toffee was as hot as a freshly brewed cup of java
>the chocolate, even while bonded to the toffee, was cool
>the malted milk puff was now malted milk ice cream puff, quite cold
>it all sat together, in one stick, ever shifting in hues of rainbow colors and shapes, projecting shadows and images of the bar itself in a kaleidoscope of bokeh flashes
>you had three bars, as far as you could tell
>you also now knew how to make more of them
>euphoric, you stare at the bars
>maybe you went a little too far
>was it even edible at this point?
>only one way to find out
>you step forward, reaching out
>your hand seems to come short
>you have to grab past what you see to actually take hold of the bar
>it feels like you're holding it inside your hand
>not that your hand is closed around it
>but that the bar is inside your hand, physically, as if someone cut your hand open and put it in there
>Snails starts stirring, slowly saying
"Wh...  What happened?"
>your tone is serious, almost mournful
"Snails, if I don't survive, give the other candy bar to Pinkie Pie.  She'll probably know what to do with it..."
>not understanding what he was seeing in your hand, Snails raises a hoof and yells
"Wait!  Don't"
"Snails!  You can't stop me now.  We have to be prepared to take risks and make sacrifices!"
>not giving him the chance to protest more
>you bite at it, missing it once, then your teeth connect at one point, and you feel like your head exploded, leaving only your mouth and tongue in place
>the world dissolves around you as you consume the chocolate bar
>once
>twice
>thrice
>ages pass
>eons flow around you
>you see forever, but that is nothing compared to what you're tasting and feeling in your mouth
>nothing that is happening around you even compares to the taste
>the texture
>the temperatures that swirl around with it all
>was this capable of taking down the Pink God?
>yes
>yes was too weak of a word
>this would transcend victory
>God was a meaningless, simple term compared to this
>you wake up
>Snails is shaking you
"Anon, are you okay?"
>you get up, looking at the remaining bars
>could it even be named?
>you sealed the remaining bars in a padded metal case
>you gathered the previous twisted coffee toffee bars, put them on a lidded tray and closed up shop for the evening
>tomorrow would be an interesting day, that much would be certain