It is no surprise that the first 5 months of this year for anyone has not gone on too well, and I am no different. In fact, ever since the year has started, I feel my mind and body has been falling apart overtime. You may notice that throughout most of 2020 I have been acting out of character and have been seeing weird and out of place stuff on Twitter, Discord, and even in people Twitch chats. The reason is my mental health has gotten worse and worse to the point where people don't like me and are out to target me. In a sense it is almost as if cancel culture is effecting me. Most of you don't know much about me outside the internet and I am someone that has suffered from depression and has had thoughts of suicide, even thought I have never attempted it, a few times in the past. This year has gotten the worse in me and I started to lose my mind the more 2020 has gone on, but I wanna take a moment on why this is the case and I am hoping you forgive for this and all can be forgotten.

The early forms of me acting out can trace early this year in January when someone on Twitter (not saying their name but they know who they are) has called me the f slier as well as a bunch of other insults around that range. Throughout most of my life I was never called any of those words and instead of just blocking them or ignoring it I have decided to engage and fight back. Things start to pick up steam as I was trying to defend myself but to make a long story short it ended with him getting his account suspended mainly because he said the N word to one of my other friends. Regardless of if I had to do it for insecurity, I think my best action was to block him as it would just be an instant stop to this situation and all would have not happen. Afterward, I started to go on a rapid illusion that I was starting to lose my mind, I would start talking to myself, get hallucinations from time to time, and as most of you saw, say random hateful messages to about me when they weren't true. You may also notice that my Records of the Month that was my only ticket to getting Youtube attention stopped, not because I was busy with IRL stuff, but due to the fact I wanted to get rid of the extra layer of stress that people would say something offensive to me. As time goes on, it felt like I was being attack in every possibility, and as many of you that have been in the zombies community know the person that used to run ZWR would gun after me. Then it felt as if it was only just that, no support, nobody congratulating me or say gg to any records I got, or milestone I hit. It started to become a point where I felt either I get no response from my tweet, or just hateful messages, and it didn't help that I was bleeding Twitter followers and Youtube subscribers. I only had the thought in my brain that everyone hates me and they either want me removed from social media and even possible want me dead. I might have not done anything like that, but I have thought about deleting my social medias one time. I will get into why that point is invalid in a sec, but that is where my mind and thoughts have brought me every time I wake up or when going to sleep. I felt there was no way of undoing my actions and everywhere I go I see other zombies creators making it big while I was getting shit on. Hopefully now you will see that I am not a bad person and anything I said was for the purpose of sarcasm. I do not want to be portrayed as a toxic person and I just want to put smiles on every faces.

I think we all know by now that CDVID-19 was been a big life changer for everyone, and for me it made my life harder to live. For the sake of this pastebin I will sum in up in two major changes that has effective me.

A. No surprise here but every plan I had in January was shut down or push back to a later date. It sucks it had to be this way but it is what it is. I know I was looking forward to PACE this year as I had plans to go at the end of May and was super excited to meet people and watch speedruns live, and I have enjoyed events like GDQ in the past on Twitch. That sadly was cancelled and was turned into PACE Online, but to me it didn't feel the same.

B. Even if online classes where a thing, it still did make it harder for me to pass my last class that I need to clear before I was able to graduate. Of coarse I had to change how to handle that class but it did made it almost near insane degree of all the hoops I had to jump over.

Some of you may asked if I was able to talk it out to someone I can trust as that is the best way to deal with these problem. I can say that I have talked to people about my situations and I have made some recovery trying to talk it out. I can say that they know that I am a good person and I will talk about my experience with them.

Joshi The Yoshi: Yes if you look on his Twitter, he does a bunch of questionable things in regards of "cringe", but putting that context aside, he was a great person to talk to. In fact, there were points in time where most of the crazy stuff I have said on Twitter he has done in the past along those same lines. I would told him to stop doing this and how it might lead to some people bullying him or in my case effect their health too. Now I would not say that his actions of saying suicidal stuff on Twitter has caused me to do the same, but I felt like I have manage to cope with him to the part where he is not struggling with mental  health anymore. We Would talk every night before we both go to bed about both of our problems; some night it would cause one of us to freak out, but everything does get resolved at the end and we would still look out for each other.

Plasmid Jeff: As many of you know, I am one of Jeff's teammate when it comes to going for coop records, but just overall he is a good person to talk to not just for zombie knowledge. Doing coop speedrun has been not effecting my mental health to much, but it has been kinda an extra level of stress in my life at times. We would still joke while doing competitive zombies to the point where it didn't felt as if things were too stressful. I should note that doing Youtube and going for records does not have to be intense for me but also can be relaxing. Me and Jeff would also talk about other stuff in the community good or bad or even just to meme about it and what not. In a way doing speedruns with him and my other teammate (Quatchi, SGTSalt, Allstar and Magical) has been a way to relive stress from time to time.

TTS: You may know that I am staff with ZBC and now I have been talking to TTS for any kind of problems I could have; even with today's breakdown I went to him first. I can tell you that I plan on helping his site and I have seen the back ends of the site and I can tell that what him and the other admin have put in hard work for something the community.

As much as I could go on one thing is for sure that I want any kind of drama I have caused or any mistakes I have made behind me. I really don't want people to think I am toxic and that I can be a nice person in this community. As I finish writing this pastebin that I come out as a new person and all can be forgiven. If you still don't want me around then I will be happy to leave and begone from social media forever, a last I don't want that to be the case as I feel I have a lot of potential and I promise that won't be going off and acting out in front of people for the better.