pony guard story

The Fancy Shoes ciderhouse was a dive, and of all the wonders to be found in Canterlot, its continued existence ranked near the top.  It was situated on the outskirts of the foreign district, where strange creatures came from lands far away their curios and services.  Instead of displaying the finely-laid stonework and colorful tents that other buildings tended towards, it was ramshackle, composed of warped and uneven wooden beams and floorboards.

Despite this, the place was rarely empty, and despite the profits they made, the saloon never seemed to improve, and if anything only seemed to get worse and more degraded over time.  It was almost as if it existed out of necessity.  Like Canterlot needed someplace ugly; one concentrated place for all the wickedness and imperfections to be contained so that the rest of the city could remain pure.  Or, maybe the owners were just lazy.

Marble Mark stepped through the swinging doors, out from the dark cobblestone alley and into the glow of oil lamps, raucous noise, heady scent, and humid air of the ciderhouse.  The white unicorn nervously flicked his eyes around the room, making sure there weren't any other Royal Guards present that he knew.  With the coast clear, he slowly and self-consciously walked in and approached the bar.

"Hey, you!" he heard, to his side, and he froze, instinctively knowing that the greeting was directed at him.  He whipped his head to the side, and his panic subsided in a sigh of relief when he saw the bat pony beckoning him over from the booth in the corner.  He turned and walked, slowly, over to the corner booth without ordering anything.

The bat pony cringed a bit at the sight of Marble Mark.  The unicorn's streaky gray mane hadn't grown much since its last trim, and it was still spiked back from a long day of being trapped beneath a helmet.  Marble was still young, and in good shape, but the circles under his eyes and trembling hooves made him look much older.  He knew that look well.  "You look like crud." he said, as Marble approached.

"I've...had a long day." said Marble, sliding his saddlebags off and climbing onto the patchwork bench seat.

"...First time?" asked the bat pony.

"W-...Wha?" Marble asked.  Dawn Chaser looked at him with piercing, slitted eyes and smiled, hopefully, the bat pony's mustard yellow man falling messily down one side of his face and down his back.

"I mean, did she finally get you?" he asked.  "Your number finally come up?"  Marble Mark stared back with wide eyes, like a rabbit in the lamplights.  He gave a few quick, paranoid glances around.  "It's fine, there's nopony else here.  You can speak freely." he said, then quickly performed a practiced, repetitive motion with his hooves.  He pressed one against the other, and then resumed looking back at Marble.  Marble looked back at him, cautiously, and then looked sullenly down at the table.

He slowly nodded.  "Aw, man.  Hold on, I'll get you a drink." said Dawn Chaser, scooting out of the booth.  Marble knew that Dawn was going to make him give details of what happened.  But at the same time, after so much time spent standing at attention, not permitted to react or speak up, there were some things that he felt he just had to get off of his chest.  That was how he and Dawn Chaser met-- commiserating about their jobs to one of the few other ponies who would understand, let alone believe, the stories they told.

"Extra dry." Marble said, and Dawn gave him a point of acknowledgement before leaving for the bar.  He came back a minute or two later with two mugs clasped under one of his leathery bat wings.  He took one and slid it on the table in front of Marble, and set the other next to the other two mugs on the other side of the table.

"Drink.  You need it." he said.

"Isn't it like morning for you?" Marble said, looking with concern at the mugs in front of Dawn as he scooted his way back into the booth.  "Er, I mean, not morning, but like...twilight, I guess?  It's still pretty early for you guys, isn't it?."

"Insomnia, remember?" Dawn said, pulling down on the circles beneath his own eyes.  "Once you stay up late enough, there's a point where 'late' and 'early' kinda...blend together." he said, mashing his forehooves together.  "But anyway, that sucks.  Sorry to hear it." he said.

"...Thanks." Marble said, not taking his eyes off of the wooden table.

"I mean, I don't want to turn this into a contest or anything, but I had a pretty long night last night, myself." he said, sipping from his half-empty mug of cider.

"What happened?" Marble asked.

"Well..." Dawn started, swirling the remainder of the cider around the bottom of the mug before downing it and clunking it back down on the table.  "...fell asleep, again." he said.  Marble let out a half-sigh, half-groan.

"Dawn..." he said, with concern.

"I know, I know, it's my own fault."

"You've gotta get yourself checked out by a doctor, or something!  You can't keep nodding off on the job like this!"

"You try to stand guard for your princess when she's sleeping for most of your shift, it gets really boring!"

"But you know that she'll find out if you do.  Every single time, she's caught you."

"Doesn't make it any easier."

"...So, what happened?" asked Marble.

"Well...One minute I'm standing at attention, staring down that same moonlit corridor that I'd been staring down for the last three and a half hours.  Then, I'm a foal in school again.  The teacher was lecturing us on the importance of sleep."

"And that didn't clue you in?" Marble asked.

"Naw, man, you know how dreams are.  You take everything at face value."

"But isn't that exactly why you do your...the hoof thing?"

"What, this?" Dawn asked, pressing one hoof into the other in the same manner as he did before.  "So long as you remember to do it, yeah, and you manage to do it early enough in the dream."

"So you didn't do it then, I take it?"

"Nope.  So of course, she calls on me to answer some question that I can't answer.  She turns around to relish telling me I'm wrong, that I'm a naughty little colt.  And of course, there she is, towering over me, dressed as my teacher."

"Princess Luna?"

"The Princess." Dawn said, nodding, and taking a long slug of his cider.  "And remember, as far as I was concerned I was still just a kid, and back when we were in primary school there was just one princess, and the bat ponies spent the last millennium villifying her and trying to distance ourselves as much as we could from the fallen princess of the night.  I mean, as far as we were concerned, she was beyond redemption and we couldn't risk implicating ourselves with her whole thing by saying otherwise.  So Luna was who your parents warned would come take you away if you didn't do what they told you to."

"And now she's your boss."

"And now she's my boss." he said, taking another drag from his cider.

"So you were scared."

"Right, right.  So, of course I was scared!  I was begging her not to take me back to the moon.  Nightmare Moon used to terrify me as a foal."

"If she's anything like you say she is, I doubt that was a coincidence."

"She knew exactly what she was doing.  So, she says something about how naughty colts need to get punished.  Then I felt something inside me.  Not, like, anything so particular as feeling bloated, or full, or something, but I knew there was something inside me and I knew it was growing.  I look down and my flippin' belly is out to here." he said, holding a hoof out a fair distance in front of his midsection, "Pressin' up against the desk, like this.  I'm blowing up like a balloon."

"You said that wasn't the first time that's happened to you, though."

"It wasn't, and it still didn't help.  No, that was my first dream drill.  I'd gotten some advice from some more experienced guards before I started, and that was when I found out about reality checks, and the fact that dream drills exist in the first place.  So one day I'm standing guard, there's an explosion, and the palace is on fire.  Once my mind wrapped around what was happening, I start panicking a bit, and I set out to make sure the princess is safe before running to evacuate the building.

"But there was something...like a little voice in the back of my mind that was like 'what if...', so I did my reality check, I told myself 'I'm gonna push one hoof through the other one'," he said, pressing his hooves together.  "And one hoof went right through the other one.  I knew I was dreaming.  I just willed an overhead sprinkler system into existence and in a few seconds, the fire was gone.
I was so proud of myself.  And my captain was so pissed.

"I made the rookie mistake of thinking the point of dream drills are to 'beat' the particular scenario rather than them just being a tool to see how you react in any given emergency situation.  And so, cocky rookies with that mindset have to be humbled somehow, right?  Well, apparently there's already a standard punishment for such an occasion.  I was invited to an award ceremony for my heroism, got commended by the princess and her sister, and was told there would be a parade to celebrate my amazing job saving everypony.

"When you hear parade, you think you're gonna be on a float, or carriage or something like that, right?  Well, then out came the helium tank.  Just so everypony could see me clearly, and so that they would literally have a pony to look up to, I was the star of my own parade as a balloon, pulled by the entire garrison and getting laughed at by the crowd.  So, needless to say, I learned my lesson from that.  Anyways, where was I?"

"You were getting blown up in your classroom."

"Oh, right.  So, all the other foals in the class are all gawking at me, giggling and going 'oooh' and 'aaah', getting out of their desks and backing towards the walls, and I keep swelling up.  She made me get so big I snapped the desk apart and broke the chair.  My butt was on the floor and I just kept on getting bigger and bigger.  I could feel how much space I was taking up.  I was scooting the other desks away.  I could barely move my hooves around, and I kept on growing taller, til she had to look up at me over my big, swollen body to look me in the eyes.  And I'm still a kid, so I'm freaking out."

"So, what happened?  She didn't, like, pop you, did she?"

"Well.  Some part of me might've noticed something was off.  Who knows, maybe recurring dreams of getting humiliated by the princess are making them easier to recognize.  Anyway, I suddenly decided to do a reality check.  I looked down and did it-- and, I know, I was so big my forelegs were both out to here, how did I-- I know.  Dreams are weird.  So, I say to myself 'I'm gonna press one hoof through the other one', I press my hooves together, one of them passes right through the other one." he said, demonstrating with his hooves, sliding one foreleg over the other, "So everything starts coming back.  I knew I was dreaming, and I knew I'd fallen asleep on guard duty again.  I called out to her 'your majesty!' and I stop growing.  She gives me that look, the one where she assumes her royal posture but there's this little smirk on the edges of her mouth.  So, we both knew what was going on."

"And you were back to normal?"

"Of course not.  I was still a big, blown-up balloon of a colt.  There's no way I was gonna be able to will myself back to normal with her in the dream like that.  And even if I could, that's still an open act of defiance in front of your princess.  So I still had to act like her guard, even though I was...you know.  Despite everything, I was still on duty.  She calls to me by name."

"She knows your name?"

"Of course she does.  The princess knows all of her royal guards personally.  She wanders around in our minds, so she kind of doesn't have a choice but to get to know us.  Why, does Celestia not know your name?"

"No.  I've never heard her refer to any of the castle staff by name.  She refers to you by title, and if she has to get more specific, she just points and says 'you'."

"Oh.  Well, anyway, she asked me what I was doing.  And oh man, I don't know what's more embarrassing: getting blown up in school and not knowing what's going on, or getting grilled by your princess and boss as a little, blown-up foal." he said, and even in the dim lamplight Marble could see Dawn visibly blushing at the memory.  "She's asking me what the penal code says about falling asleep on the job and dereliction of duty, and she's using her authoritative voice, so one the one hoof, I'm thinking 'oh, princesses, I am so screwed', but on the other hoof I was like 'well at least she's not teasing me'.

"And just as I thought that, she's got her hoof on my tummy and she's rocking me back and forth like this." he said, moving his hoof back and forth.  He sighed.  "I'm trying to stay composed and keep talking, and she keeps rocking me more and more, and then she starts rolling me around the empty classroom.  I mean like end-over-end, she's rolling me like a big ball."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

"And the whole time I'm still trying to keep my cool, but I could hardly remember anything in the code of conduct with everything spinning around like that.  Then, out of nowhere, she stops.  And she's looking down at me with this mischievous look." he said.  He hesitated, drawing in a long sigh, blushing brightly.  "And she...she says that she's having a hard time deciding.  On the one hoof, she should order me to get back to work and jolt me back awake.  But..." he said, his blush burning brighter, "...but...and this is what she said...I look so peaceful, sleeping so soundly, and she'd feel bad waking me up." he said, before immediately taking another long slug from his mug.

"...Wait...Wait, so...she was watching you sleep?  In the real world?" asked Marble, confused.  Dawn nodded, and continued drinking.  "But she was dreaming!  How could she be in your dreams and awake at the same time?" he asked.  Dawn just shrugged, downing the last of his cider and setting it down with a pant for breath.

"She's the princess of the flapping night, she can do whatever she wants." he said.  "So.  I said...that is to say me, in the dream...I couldn't keep my composure any longer, and I asked her exactly that.  All she said was that it was a simple matter, then pointed out that I was leaning to my right, propping myself up on a column.  My helmet was askew and I was lightly snoring.  I knew she was right, somehow.  She started rubbing her hooves across my inflated body, prodding me here and there.  She said I was blushing in my sleep, and she could make me twitch my face."

"So she was just screwing with you at that point."

"Doesn't she always?  I tried to tell her that I could be more effective at my post if she woke me up, but she just said she could see down the hallway herself and nopony was coming.  She said this as she was laying on top of me, by the way.  She was walking on me, rolling me all over the place, sinking her hooves into me...and the whole time she was sure to keep me updated on my sleeping body.  'Oh, now you're whimpering!'  'That one made you shift a bit...'  'You have this troubled look on your face...are you sure you are not enjoying this?'

"But then, she...I felt something.  A poke, but, not in the dream.  She asked me if I could feel it when she poked me, and I could.  I don't know how, but I could feel it, on my body in the real world.  I just nodded.  She asked me if I could feel this, and I felt something tickle at my nose and face.  I tried to turn away from it in the dream, and that made her laugh.  Then she..." he said, trailing off.  "...hang on, I need another drink." he said, abruptly getting up.

"Sheesh." Marble said.  Dawn came back with two more mugs, putting one in front of Marble and adding the other one to his collection of empty mugs.  "Is this going where I think it's going?" he asked.  Dawn began drinking heartily, his face bright red.  He nodded.

"So, she poked further back.  Then in the flank, and then in the rump.  I see this grin spread on her face and I really hoped I wouldn't feel a poke where I thought I would."

"...And did you?" asked Marble.  Dawn stared into the table, his head resting in one hoof, his face bright red, and he nodded.

"I feel a poke.  Down there.  She told me that I looked like I was enjoying it.  And I could really feel it, too.  It bobbed, like, rock hard between my hind legs.  I tried to get her to wake me up again, but she just said she needed all her guards clear-headed, and she couldn't have me distracted all night.  So, I felt another touch, and she asked me if I felt that."

"Wait, so you were still a foal in your dream?"

"Oh, no, I was an adult by then.  Did I forget to tell you that?"

"What?  Yeah, you did."

"Oh.  Well.  I wasn't a foal anymore when she got to that point.  But I was still all blown up, and she was still laying on top of me.  Like, sprawled out on my stomach.  And she was looking me in the eyes; our faces were like this far apart." he said, holding his hooves about shoulder width apart.  "So then I feel a stroke, and she asks if I can feel that.  'Yes, your majesty'.  Then another, and she asks if I can feel that.  'Yes, your majesty'.  And she was clearly getting off on it; every time I said 'yes, your majesty', like, I could see her getting more and more turned on.  Then, I felt it slide into something moist." he said, and took another sip of his drink, while Marble nearly choked on his.

"What!?" Marble sputtered.  "You...you did not...with Princess Luna!" he said, trying as hard as he could to keep his voice down.

"Well, that's the thing.  I said...something along those lines.  The princess just smiled down at me, and she asked me how I was sure it was her.  Perhaps she'd ordered Steel Comet to put it in his mouth for her amusement.  Steel Comet was the other guard I was posted with, by the way.  He was on the opposite side of the door." he said.  Marble just stared at him, eyes wide in shock, both of their faces blushing profusely.

"...Bu-...But it wasn't...though...right...?" Marble asked, cautiously.  Dawn sighed.

"I never found out.  I woke up to the next guard on rotation shaking me awake.  No princess, no Steel Comet.  I saw him in the barracks afterward, and I could've asked him, but like...how do you even approach someone and ask them something like that?"

"And even if he did, since you're unaware, he'd probably just say no anyway.  I mean, why wouldn't he?"

"Exactly."

"So...did any of that, like...really happen?"

"Heck if I know." said Dawn.  "And you know what the worst part is?  The sex dreams.  Off-duty, I mean."  Marble leaned across the table at the mention of that.

"Right!?  I hate those!  Is it like some kind of reverse-psychology thing?  I swear, I never had any dreams like that with the princess until I started working for her, and I'd never willingly do something like that with her for sure.  But I always wake up with like the hugest, most aching boner afterwards, if I haven't already shot my load in my sleep."

"And now, for the rest of my life, I have to wonder if it's just a dream I'm having, or if I'm...y'know...getting a visit from the princess.  And if it is just a dream, if the princess knows I'm having them or not." Dawn said, taking a drink, but Marble's eyes searched around, a worried look on his face.

"...Uh...You wouldn't...happen to know if princess Luna can...take the pr- uh, princess Celestia with her, do you?  Like, into other pony's dreams?" he asked.  Dawn blinked and furrowed his brow, slightly confused, but then twisted his head, seriously turning the question over in his head.

"...I...don't...know..." he said, hesitantly.  Marble just looked at him wide-eyed.  "...B-But probably not." he said, nodding.

"...Y-Yeah.  Yeah, probably not.  I mean, that's Luna's thing, why would she take her sister with her?  How could she?"

"Yeah, yeah.  Definitely." said Dawn.  Silence stretched between them as they both drank, blushing and avoiding eye contact.  "So." Dawn said, at last, "Celestia finally gave you her attention?" he asked.  Marble sighed.  "You wanna talk about it?"