local function xkcd()
    local messages = {
    "SUB once built a treehouse.",
    "SUB has 110 unread emails that SUB was hoping to get to tonight.",
    "SUB was the only one who took care of the plants back at base.",
    "Tomorrow was POS last day on the job.",
    "Today was POS last day on the job.",
    "POS birthday was in NUM days.",
    "SUB volunteers at homeless shelters.",
    "SUB was a single parent with NUM children.",
    "SUB was responsible for picking up POS daughter from daycare.",
    "SUB once won a talent show",
    "Today was POS first day on the job.",
    "SUB has NUM pets.",
    "POS son suffers from leukemia.",
    "SUB just got engaged",
    "POS family lives below the poverty line.",
    "SUB was a war veteran.",
    "SUB collects action figures.",
    "SUB frequently buys meals for the poor.",
    "SUB has a blind relative.",
    "SUB was mentally handicapped.",
    "SUB actually donates to Wikipedia.",
    "POS pets frequently run away.",
    "SUB once donated $NUM to PETA.",
    "SUB prefers tea over coffee.",
    "SUB prefers coffee over tea.",
    "SUB eats POS pizza with a spoon.",
    "SUB eats POS pizza with a fork.",
    "SUB has never eaten a sandwich.",
    "SUB was the only one who cleaned the bathrooms back at base.",
    "SUB planned to wash POS car in NUM days.",
    "SUB teaches children on POS days off.",
    "SUB likes to spend POS time picking up trash.",
    "SUB sends letters to POS parents every night.",
    "SUB was a foster parent.",
    "SUB was the last remaining member in POS family.",
    "SUB was still a virgin.",
    "SUB entertains children in hospitals every weekend.",
    "SUB liked to conserve paper.",
    "SUB liked to conserve water.",
    "SUB was computer illiterate.",
    "SUB reads to the elderly.",
    "SUB frequently donates toys to the animal shelter.",
    "SUB was always the designated driver.",
    "SUB was an organ donor.",
    "SUB liked to plant trees in the forest.",
    "SUB once saved a kitten from a tree.",
    "SUB always donated POS extra clothes to the homeless.",
    "SUB always paid POS taxes on time.",
    "SUB donates POS extra change to food banks.",
    "POS hobby was to write comics."
    }
    return messages[math.random(1, #messages)]
end