Hey everyone, if you stumbled upon this page, likely from my twitter, I just needed to get a rant over with real quickly on a subject I never thought in a million years i'd ever talk about.

I wanted to talk about body dysmorphia. And somewhat fat shaming. Maybe not neccessarily fat shaming in general, but how what people deem socially acceptable behavior around overweight people, effected me pretty badly. And I also wanted to get something out in the open and off my chest.

So, i'm not trying to pretend i've held some sort of life changing secret from everyone, and I want this to come out as least dramatic as possible. But over the past few years, i've had a newer struggle with mental health issues as many of you have personally witnessed or...didn't witness at all because of my fear to get on planes or committ to streams and what not. I went to the psychiatrist and therapist, I took medications which i've been personally strongly against, and i've changed my whole lifestyle just so I could climb out of this terrible mental state I've been in for a while. We all know I have Anxiety and depression and most recently, diagnosed Bi-Polar disorder.

But I kept one diagnosement to myself. Maybe because I didn't believe I had it. So I guess i'll just say it...

I have Body Dysmorphia. I probably had it when I was overweight, but it's worse now that i'am thinner.

As a lot of you already know, I have over the past couple of years, started losing weight. I went from 235 pounds (likely higher) down to 150. I'am at a healthy weight. In my weight loss guide that you can read here:

https://pastebin.com/fgJk2r1Q

I breifly discussed a section where I said, one of the main reasons I started to lose weight was because of some off comments a few co-workers have said. This was not done in meanness. It was done in playfulness. And I do NOT blame my co-workers for what they did. I do not blame anyone I knew around me for poking FUN at my weight. But it hurt. It hurt a lot. It always hurt. It's happened my whole life.

It hurt so bad, I lost 90 pounds.

Throughout the years where I was overweight, i'd mostly get those...socially acceptable comments people would make. No matter how minor, they would make me sad, make me embarrassed and destroy me inside. Like when someone would call me "Big Jeff." even something friendly like that would feel insulting. People would comment on my slowness or give me a bad look of incompetence or tell me I definitely was hungry or my breasts were big or my clothes looks tight. All of that led to me having enough and lost the weight.

So yea...I'll say it right here. I don't condone it...but...fat shaming...made me lose the weight. But at a really unfortunate cost.

I was tired of the comments and tired of people looking at me the way that they did. In all honesty, I lost the weight so people would stop saying stuff about me, even what they would think is just a friendly in jest comment. The second reason was health releated despite the fact I was a perfectly healthy overweight person.

A lot of people saw the translation on stream many years ago. If someone commented on my weight, i'd end the stream. You can likely find clips of that out there. A lot of my insecurities was due to my weight. I was in denial about my weight and just assumed I was not fat or thinner than I truly was. Never weighed myself, never bothered to look into the mirror. Although I would stare for hours and adjust my body in a way like sucking in my gut or pressing on my face till my mind felt confortable and convinced myself I was fat.

This is body dysmorphia. I had it when I was overweight. I didn't know, but I did. But how did I find out I had it? It wasn't until I got thin.

After losing the weight and getting to my final plateaued weight of around 150, my mind sort of convinced itself to start acting very similar to before, but in other ways as well. I started realizing, that I didn't like my facial hair, so I shaved it, I decided that people hated my hair, so I cut it, I decided people didn't like my loose fitting clothes so I bought new ones and I also decided that I was still fat and not skinny enough.

I decided I didn't like the way I look in any way. And worse...I decided that I was still fat, or getting fatter or convinced that if I weight 1 pound difference that my cheeks were puffy again or my pants were tighter or that my belly sticks out further. I saw fat, I can see it in the mirror, my body looks huge to me. Every small insecurity I had on my body is enhanced in my head it feels like. Even acne that I suffered from as a teen, it was like "the worst thing imagineable" and even when I get acne today, I stay off stream due to it. A while back I had a bad pimple that wouldn't go away on my face and I didn't stream for 2 months. I'm not kidding. This was also in conjunction with physical pain I was having at the time, but the acne part was a huge part of it. And looking back at pictures and how obssessed I was over it, it was nothing. I even stayed home from work for a few days because of this.

So why am I telling you this? Because it's something that has been effecting my greatly the past few months and it shows on stream. It's something that explains my behavior or my quickness to change a subject when it comes to appearance. And I wanted to touch up on fat shaming real quick.

Like I mentioned, the comments and fat shaming got me to lose the weight and get healthier and more active. It did. But it completely destroyed my mental state. Anyone who thinks it's appropriate to make comments about people in any form, make sure they can take it. I couldn't. And now even as a skinnier ideal finally comfortable with my image. I still am now. I still worry i'll get fat again and everytime my weight fluctuates I dread going out in public.

At one point, despite weight the same, I went to a store I haven't worked at in a while for my job. And my manager said "Yo jeff, it's been a while, you look like you put on a few pounds, you're looking healthy." This fucked me up bad. I absolutely did not gain any weight. So was I still fat? I went home and could not stop looking at my stomach in the mirror and weighing myself and ate less and drank less for a week because it upset me so badly. All sorts of these comments are terrible to me.

It's so messed up. I can understand that a psychiatrist diagnosed me with this issue, and I know it's happening, but I just can't control it. My brain just takes over. Even know, i'm convinced i'm still fat. My mom told me the other day I could take off my shirt now and go swimming. Absolutely not. I have a little bit of extra skin now and i'm completely self concious about it. Sometimes I confuse it and think my belly is getting bigger because i'm afraid to gain weight.

Afraid to gain weight because I don't want people to say stuff about me. Afraid to have fun and eat a lot of food sometimes. I don't really do any cheat days. I still count, and I even diet on my birthdays. It's so bad, I can't have fun with food anymore.

It's miserable. I just thought talking about it could help, maybe someone can relate or give me advice, or others with this problem could chime in here.

I'm sorry I kept this from everyone especially because I promised to get help and be transparent about my mental health. I feel like a liar.

I just sort of wish, that even minor, people just didn't bring up others insecurities or obvious flaws. It's pretty much fat shaming because it wouldn't be appropriate for any other features or body attributions. Literally made me lose 90 pounds and I still feel fat because those sorts of comments ruined me permanently.

I took me being skinny to realize just how shitty people treated me when I was fat. Since i've been thinner, people take me more seriously, they smile at me more, they are more forgiving of my mistakes, they look me in the eyes more, they trust me more, they find me more attractive overall and it's a damn shame. I feel like i've been lied to my whole life and I feel bad for everyone else going through it. I'm more mad now that i've ever been. Social fat shaming. Even if people don't know they are doing it intentionally, they can be, or they are oblivious to it. I'm just asking people to be more considerate and more open-minded about the things they say to people. People are fucking beautiful no matter what their size is or what they look like.

Look at me, I was shamed into people's ideal appearance and i'am now completely unhappy and miserable and still am not comfortable with my weight or appearance because i'm afraid it isn't enough or I don't believe what i'am seeing.

Fat shaming DOES NOT WORK.