Vampire Neet

	He knocked on the door to hell and none answered, yet the door groaned as the abyss opened itself to him. A steel crucifix gripped tightly in his right fist, and a wooden stake held dearly to his chest in the other. The glimmer of Christ would light his way, and his spear would end this nightmare once and for all. “Let there be light.”, he whispered to himself. And so he stepped inside.

	The door slammed shut and darkness descended. This hole was colder than the outside, sending a chill through his trench coat and into his bones. He did not shiver, because a shivering morsel was not going to entice the creature. Yes, the creature. He could smell it from here, a stench of raw flesh and musk. No doubt lounging lazily with it’s belly full, the gluttonous gnat. Clenching his teeth, he pressed forward.

	The wood moaned under his leather boots, even while he took off with a cautious stride. No matter. Without light, screaming his claim in this horrid place, he knew that it was well aware. It could be above him, holding back slobber as not to make the hunt end too quickly. Or it could be behind him, had it been feather footed, ready to break his lumbar. But he knew where it was, he knew he was expected.

	Need not inspect any rooms, he and the creature were not playing this game. This thing, this monster, would only drop all formalities at a time like this. But even a lazy cat can still strike, so their play would be different than the others. Descend down into its lair, lift the veil, and bring forth the dawn. His quest and it’s feast, it all had to culminate tonight or he wouldn’t get another chance.

	The air became thicker, the smell all the more raw. His eyes burned from the corrupt concoction. Rotten meat, the stink of alcohol, and garlic! The devil was mocking him! He squeezed the Son of God in his fist and cracked his knuckles. He might wrinkle, but he would not turn up his nose at this. Lifting a heavy boot, he shot through the door and unleashed more of the foulness within.

	The odor was worse than he could have imagined, even in the darkness he could see the dense manifestation. A corpse left out in the sun, crows picking at it’s fried flesh. “MONSTA!” he bellowed. “Ye insult mae with this grueling display!”. Under the cover of dusk, the moon shined brightly enough through the window to curse his eyes with it’s horrid form.

	There, spread out widely on white sheets, the monster lay. Pale skin stuck tightly to it’s bones, it’s ribs visible as it’s chest rose up and down. It’s eyes red as the blood it drank, it’s fangs digging into raw lips. It’s golden hair piled crawled down it’s face, shining even under night. The most disgusting thing, the most unforgivable act, taking the form of a young woman and dressing her immodestly. Only covering itself with a negligee, the beast, the whore!

	It’s jaws unhinged and words, what should be the gurgling of a demented demonic tongue, formed. “Ah, I thought you would never make it to dinner.” it smugly spoke. The gall of this ghoul! To speak with such a husky tone, to honey her voice amidst the cloves of garlic.

	“Silance ya harlot! The eternal naight will end by mae hand! 'ere and nao!” he roared. He thrust his crucifix and bent his hand, bringing up the stake to form an impromptu imitation of the cross. “Or else, mae name isn’t Abraham Van Helsing!”.

	Childish giggles, but what he knew to be an old hag’s cackles, filed through his ears. She rose to stand on the bed, her hands outstretched to the sky. “Pathetic human, hanging on to your titles. What does ‘Helsing’ mean to me, who live for a thousand years!” The vampire stepped off her perch and pointed her lithe hand towards him. From her finger tip, a claw grew and extended, a thin blade aimed for his throat.

	“A filthy monsta lecturin’ me about titles, ‘Lord of tha Naight’. THERE BE ONLY ONE LORD IN THIS WORLD! AND HIS NAME IS-”

	A dainty belch interrupted his holy proclamation. He stood just as stunned as the one who had aired it. The vampire’s eyes were the size of saucers, and for once, the skin of her face was colored. “Fuck…” she hissed. It reeked of alcohol.

	Hellsing would not be deterred by her, no matter how “human” she appeared. If anything, that...belch, was just evidence of her gluttony. Gluttony, sustained by the blood of the innocents and virgins, corrupted for no other reason than such a vile sin. He was the first to move, bringing his stake over and behind his head. The stake, inscribed as the “Spear of Longinus”, would nail her corpse back into the ground from where it came. “Die monsta, you don’ belong in this world!”.

	The vampire sputtered and stepped back. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and leaned against one of the smooth wooden posts of the bed. “I-it wasn’t by my hand that I was given flesh.” She opened a signal crimson eye, “I was called here by hooooomans who wished to pay me tribute.”

	He saw the corner of her lips curl up into a smile. The devious, evil, unapologetically rotten creature. He took a bold step forward and shook the ground. “Tribute?! Ya steal men’s sooullls an’ make ‘em yer slaves!”

	“Perhaps the same could be said of all religions.” she said with disdain.

	“Yerr words are ‘s empty as yer soul! Mankind ill needs a savior such as you.”

	“What is a man? Nothing but-” a wet gurgle roared from her stomach, lasting longer than it should have. Helsing stared at her incredulously, looking down on the blushing vampire with her face in her hands.

	His threw his crucifix and the stake onto the bed and sighed. “I told you to eat before we did this. You're always hungry before you're horny."

	“I did eat!” she cried.

	“Fucking garlic bread? That totally killed my boner. God it smells.”

	“Well I can’t help myself, the cheesy ones were sitting in the freezer and I thought a loaf couldn’t hurt…”

	“You wanted this! I even pulled a Richter for you! Just...good god almighty what died in here." He shook his head and walked over to the light switch, kicking what sounded like papers out of his way.

	“No, don't turn on the lights!”, she whined, but it was too late. He smiled wryly at what he had said when he entered. And God said, let there be light.

	Wrappers, plastic bottles, plates of leftover bloody steak scattered across the room. Ramen bowls, empty tubs of icecream, unwashed clothing, smelly socks, littered all over the place. Her "treasured" battle station in the corner of the room was surrounded by various cans of beer stacked high. He could only close his eyes, shake his head, and leave the greasy vampire girl to wallow in her embarrassment and stink. “Stinky vampire neets” he muttered.