SoulOfMisery

SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:15 PM
anyone in here?
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:15 PM
sup boio
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:16 PM
dunno, feeling like utter fucking shit today, i feel incompetent
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:16 PM
why my guy?
like outta the blue?
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:17 PM
idk, i just feel like everyone hates me and start seeing signs of it everywhere i look
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:18 PM
ok I feel like some of that you need to acknowledge is you just getting into your own head
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:20 PM
i just had it rough in life, the list is massive
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:20 PM
wdym?
???
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:23 PM
where to start...
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:23 PM
up to you man
just gotta start somewhere ig lol
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:28 PM
i'll just start my mentioning possible triggers, just to make sure you're okay with this, wouldn't want to be a burden, triggers are child sexual abuse, mental abuse, bullying issues, MI's including ASD, depression, CPTSD, hypersexuality, addictive behavior (gaming in particular), experiences with death threats at school, medication issues, anxiety, homicidal thoughts of extreme graphic nature and a few other things
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:29 PM
Im fine dude dont worry
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:30 PM
first of all, i should've never been born, my dad didn't want me, my mom didn't want me, but my mom didn't want to suffer through the physical pain of abortion and so she kept me
she knew full well the life she was sending me into would be full of shit, considering circumstances at the time which i'll get to later
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:32 PM
ok but are you saying that cause is relevent or because that thought hurts you emotionally?
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:33 PM
it's relevant, the situation is quite complex
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:33 PM
ok just making sure
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:36 PM
shortly after i was born it already went wrong, my mom and dad broke up, massive legal procedures decided i had to stay with my dad, who didn't give a fuck and dumped me and my older sister at the time at his mom's place, my gramma
i was only 9 months old at the time
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:36 PM
ok,
(sorry I dont really know how to add useful information to anything right now)
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:39 PM
all was relatively well until 4 years of age, really, that's when it all really started, i remember my dad having us (me and older sis) watch a very extreme horror movie about spiders, he forced us to watch it, intimidation and all that, i remember just seeing him laughing like the maniac he was (and still is) while we were sitting there scared for our lives watching this movie
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:40 PM
so im guessing it cause you a fear of spiders???
not sure if Im off base but thats the only information I can really add right now
but I see how that can effect a young child drastically as well
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:42 PM
it all went downhill from there, but my dad, even tho he didn't give a fuck, insisted he take us to his appartment every weekend from then on
at 5 years of age it got worse, that's when he started sexually abusing both of us, made us watch porn movies also
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:43 PM
ok
sorry again I just cant figure out a good way to really add anything of use to this besides just kinda acknowledging I read it
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:46 PM
things went on like that until 7 years of age, at which point our mom managed to get a legal procdure started to get to see us, that's when the mental abuse started on top of all that, my dad and dad's side of family would just straight up break off any positive feelings i had towards my mom, telling me my mom is a worthless piece of shit who would never get anywhere in life, all sorts of slandering, they also hit both of us when we liked it better at our mom's place than at theirs
my mom on the other side, was very considerate, she realized the game the other side of the family was trying to play and decided she wouldn't lower herself to their level
things went on like that for years to come, i basically started to cope away the feelings by just bottling them all up and acting like they didn't exist, causing me to be completely emotionally out of touch, socially awkward, etc
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:53 PM
wait and correct me if Im wrong youre on the spectrum as well which just added to it?
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:53 PM
yes
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:54 PM
sorry Im just trying to move with some of this information cause Im still confused a tad bit
this is going to sound a bit bad but like are you venting or what are you trying to discuss?
cause I'm just asking cause as im trying to understand some of this better Im trying to figure out what to keep mental notes of so I can help a bit better
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:55 PM
just sharing story for thoughts for now, trying to make you understand why i feel the way i feel
feel free to ask any questions that come to mind if that helps
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:56 PM
ok that makes sense and helps out alot in trying to figure everything out
can I ask how you feel just so I can try and ask as we go? or would you like me hold all my questions till you say everything?
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:57 PM
just ask any questions when you have them
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:58 PM
well I dont really have any questions about anything cause I dont really know anyway I could at the moment
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 9:58 PM
then i'll continue telling what happened
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 9:59 PM
sorry about all the confusion please do continue
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 10:01 PM
so..things continued like this until age 11, i barely ever had any friends at school, throughout all of elementary i basically had 1 close friend, who was also on the spectrum, considering that it was only the two of us it's a wonder it took until age 11 for the bullying to start, but after it did, it never ended
other kids called us gay, making all kinds of weird remarks about how we only hung out with eachother
so, eventually, my friend showed me this mmorpg game called runescape, when i started playing it, i was hooked from day 1, it was a convenient escape from my shitty life in general at the time
it became an obsession, i would play every moment of spare time i had, skipping homework to play it more, forgetting to eat to play it more, ignoring sleep to play it more
it felt good to finally have something, a place where i could just be who i was without all the limitations that my daily life situation brought with me
it wasn't healthy
but it was necessary
after elementary, going into middle school was a huge shock, my elementary school was small, this new school was massive
bullying got even worse
eventually, my best friend made other friends, dropping me like a brick in favor of them, so much for 7 years of friendship meaning anything
being all alone in school ofcourse  didn't help my already shitty self esteem and lack of confidence
at 13 years of age, my dad got a legal procedure started, kind of an exchange, my sis could live with my mom in exchange for my mom not getting to see me again
the sexual abuse stopped a lot earlier btw and the mental abuse slowly came to a halt after this exchange of sorts
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 10:15 PM
ok, so the trade off kinda changed the dynamics of things correct?
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 10:16 PM
yes
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 10:16 PM
ok
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 10:17 PM
the bullying continued to get worse after middle school, after my relatively generalized middle school eduction (european system) i want to a technical sorts of school that was all guys
everyone there hated me, my results at school started dropping bad because i just didn't see the point anymore
that's when the depression started to hit me hard, i would stay home from school about 75% of time after the first trimester of first year high school
in turn meaning i had to redo that year, luckily not in the same school tho
the start of my redo year went relatively fine until bullying started again in this new school
after first 2 and a half months i just decided i didn't want any of that anymore and stayed home from school permanently
causing my gaming addiction to get worse
games started to take over my life and ruin it even more than they already had
i would play basically all day every day, as much as 138 hours a week while staying away from school
eventually, my family couldn't handle that anymore and that's when psychiatry started, i didn't get a say in the matter, i was sent to a youth ward
anti-depressants were started up
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 10:27 PM
oh same dude
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 10:28 PM
the youth ward staff were shitty people, they didn't give a fuck
my shrink was some douche who charged double for a 5 minute visit, already looking at his watch and getting impatient after 3 minutes, guy was driving a 100k bucks ferrari that he basically bought by abusing his power that way
rest of the staff were equally bad
i went to youth ward for bullying issues, but becaus staff didn't give a fuck, i was bullied there too, causing me to lose all kinds of trust, my trust was already really low considering my plethora of previous bad experiences
i was diagnosed as asd there, at 16 years of age
taking anti depressants for so long caused all kinds of side effects, including weight gain and early stages of homicidal thoughts at the time
the thought started to escalate and i was put on antipsychotics to suppress them
as they continued the doses and different pills continued to increase
eventually i was at illegally high dosages
legal dosage of xeroquel is 800mg, i was taking 1300mg for reference
homicidal thoughts escalated even more and eventually i was sent to a crisis unit for violent outbursts
i was 17 at the time
because they didn't know what to do with me, they just sedated me with even more antipsychotics
after the crisis ward i went to a normal ward, where i started to learn about mental disorders and got help with therapy sessions
i was declared an extended minor by my new psychiatrist at that ward and eventually at age 23 i was put on disability
fast forward to now, 1 and a half years later, since nothing really bad happened since then, i still just feel like shit because i can't change the past, i still have major trust issues and paranoia, generalized anxiety, emotional dysfunction and can't cope with the fact that i can't change what happened in the past
so i just sit at home all day, in my room, finding myself unable to do a lot of basic stuff
so...that's about it now
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 10:45 PM
hmm
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 10:45 PM
thoughts?
input? feedback? anything at all?
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 10:53 PM
I dont know, cause like Idk what to really say
like I cant figure out any way I could say anything about it cause its mostly just how your life has been and theres nothing I can really "add" to that and have what I say maintain any value
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 10:56 PM
so you're saying i just went through the trouble of sharing my whole life with you for nothing at all? i thought you wanted to help, you asked me what was wrong, so i explained all of it...
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 10:58 PM
what do you want?
like I cannot change your life
I can help you with problems or attempt to help fix things. thats all i could possibly do
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 11:00 PM
i'm not asking you to change my life, i don't expect anything of the sort, but since you already said you can't add anything of value it would look like you've given up on it
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 11:01 PM
wdym given up?
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 11:02 PM
given up on trying to add anything to this
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 11:02 PM
I literally just have no idea of any way I can add anything to it
like it's your life story of sorts, there's no real way for me to add to your life story
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 11:03 PM
smh, do you realize how frustrated i feel with this right now? i'm literally about start fucking crying
>.<
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 11:05 PM
well what could I even add to this is the thing
like I dont know how I could
SoulOfMiseryYesterday at 11:06 PM
well jeez, never mind then, sorry for being a bother, you just confirmed the way i feel about everything and everyone
ReadySpaghettiYesterday at 11:08 PM
Oh ok then, see ya dude