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Minecraft 2.0 is going to suck

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Apr 1st, 2013
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  1. What changed?
  2.  
  3. Whilst we aren’t nearly finished with the 2.0 update, we do have a partial changelog of what we’ve done so far. There’s much more to come, this is only the beginning!
  4.  
  5. Gameplay
  6.  
  7. Added new Super Hostile game mode, for a much more challenging Survival experience. (Facedesk)
  8. Difficulty setting is now per-world and may never be changed once set. (No.)
  9. Added new graphics setting “Ultra Realistic” with new patent-pending experimental 4D-rendering. (Are you STUPID?)
  10. Added new chase-style 3D camera perspective. (Facedesk.)
  11.  
  12. Animals
  13.  
  14. Added new realistic food/hunger system to animals. (Why?)
  15. Overfeeding animals may have a negative effect on gameplay. (Are you TRYING to make this into FarmVille?)
  16. Added a new “Horse” animal, with two different breeds to choose from. (NO.)
  17. Each animal now has a gender and personality, introducing new farming mechanics. (THIS ISN'T POKÉMON YOU TWIT)
  18. Added a new rare breed of chicken known as a “Diamond Chicken”. (Why)
  19. May lay diamonds or lapis instead of laying eggs. (Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid)
  20. May also blow up from too much pressure. Handle with care. (ghioprbhier03gb03rh)
  21. Added new friendly Pink Wither, which is the complete opposite of a wither. (...)
  22. Shoots out Love, which heals the nearby land and causes things to grow faster. (...)
  23. Known bug: Having both a Pink Wither and a Wither in your world at the same time may cause up to a 200% increase in framerate. Will be fixed for launch. (. . .)
  24. All animals may be fed Golden Apples to unleash their hidden magical properties (see new Magic section). ()
  25. Chickens are now classified as a Monster and are no longer a friendly Animal. (Twitch. Twinge. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab.)
  26.  
  27. Monsters
  28.  
  29. Chickens do not appreciate being looked at and may get upset. (NO.)
  30. Attacking a lone chicken may summon additional chickens to its defense. (Are you TRYING to hide the Zelda reference which just takes away from gameplay?)
  31. Zombie Pigmen now spawn with battlesigns and no longer use swords. (Facedesk facedesk facedesk facedesk facedesk)
  32. Fixed a bug causing Skeletons to miss their targets on occasion. (That's fine.)
  33. Added new Redstone Bug monster (see Redstone section). (But that makes redstone mechanics so much more tedious! Are you that fucking stupid?!)
  34.  
  35. Blocks
  36.  
  37. Furnaces have a new “heat” mechanic. (...)
  38. Heat needs to be regulated in furnaces or they will blow up. (I fail to see the point in this)
  39. Torches now burn out after a period of time, but may be relit with flint and steel. (...Dear EP, can we PLEASE not update Minecraft?)
  40. Added new TNT slab, known as an Etho Slab. (why)
  41. Renamed Droppers to floppers, by popular community demand. (...)
  42. Droppers were deemed too powerful and go against our original vision of the game. (But free diamonds and hostile chickens don't? Your original vision of the game included making everything in the game stupidly tedious and much less fun than it already was?)
  43. Floppers now turn everything that passes through them into raw fish (see Fishing section). (Why!?)
  44. Added six (6) new decoration blocks:
  45. Mud. (Okay)
  46. Hay bales. (Okay)
  47. Lapis Lazuli. (I thought we already had that)
  48. Slime blocks. (Okay)
  49. Added new compressed storage blocks for commonly mined ores:
  50. Coal Block. (Okay)
  51. Lapis Lazuli Block. (ALREADY HAVE THAT)
  52. Redstone Block Block. (WE ALREADY HAVE THAT)
  53. Lapis may now be used for new Lapis furniture. (Why)
  54. Added dyed glass. (Okay)
  55. Walking over many blocks will gradually wear them down, creating many new block variants such as Cracked Stone and Muddy Grass. (... STOP TRYING TO BE LIKE OTHER GAMES GOD DAMN IT)
  56.  
  57. Redstone
  58.  
  59. Removed all BUD behaviour, and added safeguards so that it may never come back. (No idea what this meant)
  60. Made redstone bugs spawn actual Redstone Bugs to assist with debugging. (Oh. I thought these were enemies. This is fine.)
  61. Added new Quantum Entangled redstone, obtained by mixing 1 redstone, 1 diamond and 3 lapis. (Why)
  62. One entangled redstone dust will connect to another pair elsewhere. (Okay)
  63. No current way of specifying the connection, may in fact connect to another player’s world. (What)
  64. Added new BUD blocks. (Dunno what this means)
  65.  
  66. Magic
  67.  
  68. Added new Magic and Luck levels per player. (STOP TRYING TO BE LIKE OTHER GAMES.)
  69. Finding a Rainbow after rain passes will be the primary way of obtaining Magic. (I-...)
  70. Finding a green-tinted horse will be the primary way of obtaining Luck. (And a red-haired horse would be Jeb)
  71. Added new spell system, costing magic to perform a spell. (Okay)
  72. Spells may backfire, depending on Luck. (...)
  73. Examples of new spells include:
  74. Turn any item into Fish.(What)
  75. Turn current biome into another biome (bug: currently only turns into ocean). (What)
  76. Ability to remove gravity from other creatures/players in the world. (That's stupid!)
  77. Fishing
  78.  
  79. Overhauled fishing mechanics.
  80. New special types of fish may be found in various different biomes. (Okay)
  81. Fish may become scared if too much noise is made nearby. (Okay)
  82. Added 28 new achievements for fishing.
  83. Rare chance for extra items to drop when fishing, such as armor and maps. (Okay)
  84. Removed fishing. (...?)
  85. Having a fish in your possession will drain your health by 1 each second, to help phase out fishing. (...But...)
  86. Combat
  87.  
  88. Removed crossbows. (NO FUCK THAT SHIT)
  89. To deter cheating players on PvP servers, the PvP system has been completely redesigned. (NO FUCK THAT SHIT)
  90. Players may no longer attack other players directly, but must recruit an army of Monsters and Animals. (THIS IS MINECRAFT, NOT PIKMIN)
  91. Each monster/animal has different strengths, weaknesses and abilities whilst attacking or defending in PvP combat. (...)
  92. New turn-based combat system will help create epic battles that may last hours at a time. (Twitch. Spasm. Yell. Punch. Stab. Gut. Yell. Murder. Stab.)
  93.  
  94. World generation & terrain
  95.  
  96. Added many new mysterious adventuring locations. (Okay)
  97. Added 6 new biomes. (Okay)
  98. Reimplemented the Farlands. (what)
  99. Going near the farlands will forcefully enable 3d anaglyph. (...Not bad.)
  100. Known bug: Teleporting towards the farlands may send you half way in the opposite direction. (HA HA)
  101. Added dozens of new village building templates. (Meh)
  102. Flattened all terrain out slightly, with the exception of the hills biome to make it seem bigger by contrast. (What)
  103. Added floating sky islands. (STOP TRYING TO BE LIKE OTHER GAMES GOD DAMN IT)
  104.  
  105. Okay, it's official. Minecraft is just adding complicated shit into the next update to cater to the crowd of people that enjoy tedious shit and can't realize that half of their ideas are used in other games. The damaged blocks is from Animal Crossing, the sky islands are from Terraria, the mob armies are from Pikmin, They're trying to remove something that wasn't even that bad to begin with-
  106.  
  107. Okay, I'm back about three minutes later. I went on a rage fit.
  108.  
  109. They're trying to remove something that wasn't even that bad to begin with, they're trying to make everything so complicated that you have to spend six hours working with extreme complication just to make it work right. If you think I'm just disagreeing because it's adding new shit, no. I'm disagreeing because the new shit they're adding is very stupid and inhibits the gameplay that existed before.
  110.  
  111. QED.
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