Thread 88: Stories 46-60

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 >SA
"???"
~~~~~~

>...This has to be deliberate. Someone, somehow, got into the machine and put this in, there is just no way this could POSSIBLY be anything other than deliberate. The odds of this existing, alone, that Twilight would put it in PERIOD is so infinitesimally short I don't think it actually qualifies as a statistic. That this would somehow be in this game and that I would randomly be placed in here is so ridiculously unlikely I'm pretty sure I have a better chance of being struck by lightning in the dick on a clear sunny day. This right here? This is just... it's just not probable.

"Sir Paladin? Is everything alright? We wish to know if you will help us to return our garments. Thou shalt be greatly rewarded!"

His hoof came up, and rubbed under his nose.

"...Sir Paladin?"

>...You know what? I'm rolling with it. Yes, your majesty, I will do this for you.

"How splendid! Thank him, mine girls!"

So thus, Shining Armor got to listen to a chorus of fairies give their thanks. Fairies who were horse-shaped.

And all, somehow, royalty.

...and PINK.

All of them were pink, royal, winged, horse like creatures.

>...I do not know if I should thank Twili or take her to a psychiatrist, but you know what? I'm going to roll with it.

And that is one off the bucket list.

>I have entered a magical realm.

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>18
"???"
~~~

>THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!

"GRRAAAAHHHHH!"

>WHO SPAWNS AN ENCHANTRESS NEXT TO A DAMN LICH!? WHO!? I CAN'T ENCHANT LICHES! THIS IS LIKE SPAWNING A FIREBALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!

"GRAAAGHHHHH!"

>THIS IS SO MUCH BULLSHIT WHEN I GET A HOLD OF TWILIGHT I'M GOING TO GRAB HOLD OF HER, CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF HER WHILE THEY WATCH, AND WHEN SHINY TRIES TO STOP ME... with his big... strong... powerful arms, gripping me tightly around the waist, holding me close and saying 'no, wait, it's too much', and I just keep going and going and.... mmmm....

"...Do you need a minute?"

>...

"...hello?'

>...

"...I am not programmed to deal with this shit."

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>Cadence
"???"
~~~~

>It's not stupid!

"I didn't say anything."

>It's totally not stupid!

"Again, said nothing."

>Look, I'm a fairy, okay? The classes are limited! Twilight said they were brewed in the home because I wanted fairy races to be playable, and only so many classes worked with it!

"Saaaaid nothing."

>And I mean, it's still effective! Totally still effective!

"..."

>...I'm going to die, aren't I?

"Lady, you are in the middle of the temple of light and salvation. We, by our order, must never give words that could instill fear and uncertainty in your heart. We are here to give words of inspiration, and kindness."

>...

"So if it's all the same to you, I'll just stay silent."

>DICK!


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 >PD
"Luna"

"You find yourself in the employ of the Church of Trelas-"

>Mhm?

"-hired by them to steal the Holy Chalice of their God, treacherously stolen-"

>Hmmm...

"-by the duplicitous Duke Baneford while 'Liberating' the Holy City of Trelamir from an Orcish assault-"

>Mhm mhm mhm.

"-you must steal into the Duke's manor and take from him the Chalice, with the promise that the Church shall grant you a great boon for your help."

>Then what?

"...best not to get ahead of yourself, adventurer."

>No I mean I got the Chalice. The security here was a joke. I did it all while you were monologuing.

"...huh. Let me uh...let me get back to you."

>Sure, I'll just pocket some jewels or something.

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 >42
"???"
~~~~

>...

*Twitch twitch*

>Why.

"Blub?"

>Why... would you put a solider... IN THE MIDDLE OF A SLIME PIT!?

"Blub."

>Fuck you! Fuck you and all you love! Fuck you and all you ever loved! FUCK YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR!

"...Blub?"

>WHY CAN'T I PUNCH YOU!?

"Blub."

>RHETORICAL!

"Blub."

>Okay, okay think, THINK! You are her Majesties finest soldier, the greatest warrior of the changeling armies! You are the one who has punched robots, monsters and dragons! You're the greatest, Forty Two! You're the best, AROUND, and nothing is ever going to keep you down! You're the best, around! Haaa!

"..."

>...Fire!

"Blub."

>Damn! Right! Fireproof!... Telekinesis!

"Blub?"

>Wait, shit, soldier class...

"..."

>...FUCK! That's all I have! Oh dear Hivemind, am I really not the best? Is my whole life a sham!? I THINK MY WHOLE LIFE IS A SHAM!

"B-blub?"

>Oh sweet mercy, it's all been a total lie! I've been a joke this whole time!

"B-blub!"

>Whyyyyyyyyy-GOTCHA!

"BLUB!?"

>HA! A simple glass trap, inescapable to the blobby hordes! With one fell swoop, I have claimed victory! Brilliance and brawn, I am the best!

"..."

*Shuffle shuffle shuffle*

>...Oh, my, so that's why they call it a 'blob NEST', not a... not a blob just you. You have friends.

"..."

>...Any chance you all want to hear about my personal problems?

"..."

>... Didn't think so. WELL! I'll have you know, a true warrior never runs from a fight!... WE EVADE!

*Runs off*

*They chase*

>I'M THE BEST EVADER!

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>Dash
"Luna"
~~~~

"And lo did thee find thyself in a-"

>YOU MONSTER!

"...In a place of-"

>YOU UNSPEAKABLE MONSTER!

"...a place that is besieged by-"

>Did I crap in your birthday cake? Did I accidentally steal your last doughnut or something? What did I do to deserve this? HOW DID I HURT YOU, LUNA!?

"...Ahem, thou finds themselves besieged by-"

>WHAT DID I DOOOOO!?

"Look, we understand thou art angry that the storm up above prevents thine flying-"

>HATE!

"But if thou pays attention for four seconds, thou gets to go and fight some monsters in a grand battle."

>...

"..."

>...Proceed.

"As we were saying-"

>Can I roll to clear the clouds?

"No!"

>HATE!

"Ugh... at least the pink one is happy."

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>Pinkie
"Luna"
~~~~~

>MMMMmm... MMMMMMMMmmmmmm... MMMMMHMMMHMMHMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm...

"Art thou ever going to get going on thine quest?"

>...Eventually.

"Thou knows that candy pile is a trap, right?"

>...Yes. I do not care.

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>Rarity
"???"
~~~

>Okay, so, not that anyone cares, but going left constantly is NOT helping... how is this possible, by the by? Shouldn't I just bump into someone eventually? How is this working, to be exact? Do I... am I dreaming? Is that how this works? Am I just in a simulated sleep?... nooo, then I couldn't feel pain, because that would be intentionally stimulating a dangerous part of the brain... perhaps I am merely looking at an illusion and running on a three dimensional treadmill? Is someone still literally right there in front of me? If I throw something I brought in, will it-

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS OF OLD, JUST DO SOMETHING!"

>Oh! Right... turn skip!

"GRRAAHHHHHH!"

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 >32
"77"
'88'

"Feeling better?"

>Feeling caffeinated.

"Close enough."

'We'll have you feeling better in no time.'

"Maybe we'll even take a turn in the simulator after the others have finished up their...whatever it is they're doing."

'I heard snippets, sounds nerdy. Meh.'

"Meh? What meh?"

'I don't wanna go in the Murderbox. It doesn't fix my eyes so it's just not really going to be a difference for me.'

"Will you knock it off calling it The Murderbox?"

'Why? To my knowledge it's literally the only thing that happens in there. You go in there to murder murderbots for practice, and you went in there to get ganked by 42.'

"How'd you know about the-oh right, when I caught you up..."

'Ayup. Frankly that fight was enbarrasing hearing about it.'

"Wait what!?"

'You knew she was a better fighter, why the fuck would you take her out in the open?'

"It was a duel, she proved my better."

'Oh please, that is SUCH a soldier way of thinking.'

"She is the better soldier-"

'So you should have been the better changeling, dipshit. Change form, sneak around, she's about as stealthy as a roided up minotaur in a china shop! You should have-'

>Kissed her.

"'...'"

'Do what?'

>Kiss her, open mouth.

"Wha-wuh-WHY!?"

>Because then she would have been stunned long enough for you to hock a wad of Greenspit down her throat, which would have hardened in her windpipe and suffocated her.

"...would...would that have worked?"

>Probably not.

'No that sounds like it'd work, actually, at the very least it would have made an opening for you to give her a coup de grace-'

>It wouldn't work.

'Why?'

>Because changelings like us don't win. We facilitate the victories of others.

"'...'"

>I'd like to go home now.

"...yeah, right, we need to get your office cleaned up. Let's go."

'C'mon you grumpy twit.'

>Coming.

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"Luna"
>AJ
~~~~

"You have emerged from your homeland, sought by others for your talents and aptitude, and your own wanderlust for this verdant land"

>They hay is....is this a pointy hat?

"Ahem, you emerge in the great plains, the horizon dotted with landmarks and great wonders to-"

>Hey, uhh, didn't ah say ah wanted Barbarian or somethin'? This sword here looks kinda...nerdy? Can we-

"AHEM!, many GREAT wonders to which THOU must OVERCOME with your budding skills-"

>Oh land's sake, is this a CLOAK?! How am ah' meant to gank bosses with this?!

"YOUR BUDDING SKILLS IN THE ARCANE AND MAGICAL!"

>....Is this y'all doing?

"Well, we have observed thou and your magical prowess needs..... let's say, some drive, so We have taken the liberty to outfit thou with something.... more akin to the arcane."

>Ah'm not your student, y'know

"...Frankly, Applejack, at this point, your own quote unquote "Student" would do a better job teaching you than yourself teaching her"

>Now that's-

"Oh for pities sake, we are doing thou a favour here, now hop to it"

>...This might've thrown somethin' off balance

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'HOW AM I MEANT TO CAST MAGIC MISSLE WITH A WAR AXE!? AAAAAAAAAAAAH!'

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NC
>Twilight
"Luna"
~~~~

"Twilight! What happened!? Why art thou out already!?"

>Because I DIED, repeatedly! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

"Ha! Thou art not very good at this game."

>Noooo, it's just all the INT stats in the world don't make up for the ZERO FUCKING STR STATS I HAD!

"Well then, thou should've been more worried about the other thing, it sounds more important."

>LUNA!

"Not our fault thou art bad at this."

>....

~~~~~

"GLK! GLKGLGLGKGK!"

>If anyone asks why I'm strangling you, I'm just going to say Nightmare Moon... I'll get a fucking PARADE.

"GLKHLK!"

>DIE

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>Fleetfoot
"Pommel"
~~~~

>...

"...What, uh... what're you-"

>Shut it, newbie.

"First off, I've been here a while, even before being captain. Second, I'm the captain of the guard, so-"

>Pffffffffflplplplplplp.

"...I'm feeling disrespected."

>Do something about it. What, you going to try to arrest me?

"You know, I'm seriously considering-"

ZOOM

"..."

>Who the fuck are you talking to, newbie? Looks like open space to me.

"...Friggen fast ponies. I HATE fast ponis-"

ZOOM
SLAP

"...mrphm."

>Consider that a warning, racist. By the by? I don't like you.

ZOOM

"..."

TEEEEAR

"...Of course you realize, this means war."

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>Sucker Punch
"41"
'Daw'
-???-
=???=

'Oi, you lot.'

"THEREARENOPONYPODS!"

'...'

"Just heading that off at the pass."

'Right, either of you seen Pommel? Last I saw of him, he was heading to hear you out fer your little training exercise.'

>No, I haven't, though you're here at least, so that just means we need the cap-

-GET BACK HERE!-

=COME AND GET ME, BITCHBOY! HAHAHAHA!=

>"'...'"

>Did...did the captain just run by with a butterfly net?

"Yep."

'And he was chasin' a lass in a skintight suit with a-'

ZOOM!

-YOU ARE SOOOO GOING IN THE DUNGEON!-

=MAYBE IF I NEED A BREAK, YA SLOW SHIT!=

'Yup, with a nice ass.'

>THAT'S the detail you pick out?

"Soooo...we gonna help him?"

>Hmm...actually, let him chase her around a bit, this'll just help my case when I present my training exercise to him!

"Atta boy."

ZOOM!

'...'

"...yoohoo, pirate lady?"

'Hm? Wha? ...wasn't lookin' at nothin'.'

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NC
>Chrysalis
"Luna"

>Make my succubus a mere enemy race will they? Well I'll show them, they want me to play against type? I'll play against type...mwahahahahahaha!

~~~~

"So at exactly which point did you realize sacrificing charisma to get extra skills elsewhere would essentially make you a mute?"

>...

"Was it just now? We bet it was just now."

>...

Scribble scribble.

"Oh now that's just uncouth."

Scribble scribble

"Your 'Ha' loses its fangs when it is mere text, bug harlot."

>...!!

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>SL
“12”
~~~~

“So… do you really have an idea on how to bring back my hivemate’s eyesight?”

>For the blindling, possibly. For the scruffy pirate, not a chance.

“Yeah, I- that’s… that’s who I meant, the blindli-er, Eighty-Eight….”

>Should be feasible enough. Judging from this dossier here.

“Dossier…? What dossier? On Eighty-Eight? Where in the great jiggling ass of my Queen did that come from?”

>I do have a great ass, don’t I? Thanks for noticing, you perv.

“…I actually meant my… you know, my literal qu-“

>And Canterlot has dossiers in existence for every single soul that's resided within this castle, from beginning to end. There’s one in here for you, for the earth pony traitor princess, your previous Queen, this gryphon by the name of Gilda, Shining Armor and even this thick one for yours truly.

“I… but how? And why is mine only one page?”

>The how lies in our favorite alabaster-assed alicorn's assistant. Ignoring that awesome bit of alliteration, you should know that Raven possesses a memory and thoroughness that could be very… unsavory in the wrong hooves. She puts those skills to use by documenting everyone and everything. You could call her an archiver, one of the highest caliber with a snipers precision for data collecting. Everything you've done of note, it's in your file already.

“Okay. That’s nice and all, really cool, go Raven or whoever, but, uh, again… why is mine only one page?”

>Because apparently it’s a list of all the jobs you’ve applied for, including how long you held them, the ones you were fired from, the ones you ran from, etcetera. Not a very exciting bug are we, perv?

“Not even insulted. I just want stability.”

>Then you sure got attached to wrong mare, don’t you think?

“I used to think that, until I realized that stability was something I’d never have. Might as well get used to the insanity.”

>Arf!

“…”

>I… I, uh… well, shit, whatever, that made me happy to hear, so sue me.

“Adorable.”

>…Anyway! Your pal Double Seven, he’s just missing an eye. Can’t really fix that. But apparently your little sister, older sister, whatever she is to you, she played a most obedient host to Cordyceps. Interesting.

“What’s interesting? And why’re you grinning? Please don’t do that, you’re showing far too much teeth.”

>My compliments to Raven for, ah… spreading this news out for me.

“I am slightly scared.”

>Hmhmhmahahahaha….

“And that low, escalating laugh is not helping."

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