pan problems

http://pastebin.com/QZtPQtBa

“spoken word”  'thought'
It's a chilly night. Panda was wrapped in his blankets and propped up against his pillows and stuffed animals. His phone's quiet blips and beeps punctuated the silence as he paged through dating profiles. No new pokes. No new messages. No new matches. His eyes shifted down and his paw digits quickly navigated to his MeBook wall. Someone liked his latest selfie with Ice. No comments though. Nancy made tiramisu. 'That looks good.' Molly drew her Gobi fish. 'Cute.' Lisa hasn't been on today. 'Strange.'

He had complemented her skiing outfit that she posted during her recent trip to the Cascades. Panda thought to himself. 'Maybe she responded to my comment last night? I hope she didn't think it was creepy or anything.'  He motioned to his friends list but couldn't see her icon. 'What?' He searched her name.

You must be friends with Lisa to view her profile.

The ends of Panda's closed mouth twitched downwards. He put his phone down on the nightstand and stared blankly out the window. 'Its just a stupid internet person.' He turned back to face the front of his room, gently crossed his arms and rolled his head back. 'Who cares.' He stared at where his toe claws would be if not covered by the blanket. His eyes misted and his face scrunched up. 'Its just... its stupid!' He inhaled and closed his eyes. He nodded his head back down, opened his eyes and exhaled with a whimper. Tears formed. He squeezed his sides with his crossed arms and curled forward. "I'm so stupid!"

Panda's mind raced. 'Why can't I be tough?' His cheeks burned and tears ran. 'Why can't I be cool?' His inhales here stifled and shaky, and his exhales were short and laced with hushed cries. 'Why is it so hard to make friends?  Why am I so pathetic...'

His puffy lidded eyes found the end of his bed again and he began to focus on breathing. The chilled air licked his face where the tears had soaked his fur. The room quieted as he calmed down, but the silence stung. He felt a dull tenseness all over. It was cold. A minute passed. He was alone.

'I don't have anyone.'

Grizz was giggling at something in his room. Panda could easily hear it break the silence that had hung around him before. His frown softened for an instant as his previous thought was challenged. A loud goofy laugh dribbled down the hall into Panda's room. 'He must be watching one of those cheesy Webflix shows he wanted that I had to torrent for him.' Panda started to feel silly for listening. It began to hurt more than it helped. The happiness of someone else somewhere else highlighted how garbage he felt, sitting silently alone in his room wallowing in self-loathing thoughts. He just wanted to fall asleep and try to forget, and maybe he and his bros would do something tomorrow that would get his mind off things.

Panda rearranged his pillows and cleared away his collection of stuffed creatures, save for one particularly round and soft plush, which he tucked between his side and arm. The beleaguered bear laid himself down and closed his eyes. He could still hear Grizz though it was more muffled at this new angle. He tried to filter it out completely by thinking of something calming and pleasant but his mind only seemed to want to supply sharp, hateful thoughts. In truth, he didn't want to stop listening. His covered eyes wandered in the direction of the plushie by his side and he gently squeezed it.

'He wouldn't mind...'

His brow furrowed. 'No! I should take care of myself.' He grabbed the stuffed animal with his near paw and pushed it out from under the covers to the edge of his bed.

Grizz hadn't made much noise for some time. His show was probably over and he was most likely about to go to bed. 'It's too late anyway. Just go to sleep.' Panda made another attempt to clear his mind. Silence crept in again. He considered pulling his blanket up over his ears, but hesitated. He heard the sound of a laptop clicking shut.

Grizzly's blanket was similarly grayish-blue like Panda's comforter but his was in fact an old sleeping bag, fully unzipped and unfolded and lazily strewn over his rounded frame. Itchy strands of shed brown fur concealed themselves in the darker fleece-like interior lining. Grizz gulped down the last of his diet-cola bottle after closing his laptop just before the credit sequence had completed. He beamed and giggled softly to himself as he drank, a new plan for tomorrow brewing in his head. He removed his earphones, placed them on his laptop, pushed it to the side of his bed and motioned to turn off the light.

There was a knock at his door.

"Yeah!?"

Panda already felt the heat of embarrassment on his face as he stood outside his older brother's door, still wrapped in his blanket and clutching his puffiest, least squished pillow. He didn't bring his phone.

"Its, um." Too quiet. He turned straight forward, clamped his eyes shut and tried again."Its Panda!"

"Come in bro!"

Panda fumbled with the knob and pushed the door open. He sheepishly stepped inside.

Grizz was caught off guard by the sight in his doorway but he tried not to show it. He smiled earnestly at his little brother.

"Whats up Pan Pan?"

"I uh, wanted to um... my room is really cold. Could I sleep in here?" He looked down at the floor near the bed.

Grizz kept his grin but some concern slipped out from his eyes. "Yeah of course man, if that's what you want. Here, I'll make room." Grizz shifted out of his covers, grabbed the laptop and put it on the nightstand to the right of his bed. As Panda scuttled over, careful not to trip on his treading blanket, Grizz shifted more and sprung his legs out and planted them on the ground. "Hey." Grizz motioned for Panda to sit down. Panda wobbled as he turned to sit down beside his big brother.

"You doin' okay, little bro?" Grizzly's voice was deep and warm and cracked downward slightly as he tried to lower his volume from it's typical loud setting.

"Yeah, I'm okay. It's just... I don't know." He paused and then nearly whispered. "Just... dumb stuff, I guess." Panda's eyes were glued to the floor.

"Oh." Grizz put his arm around the other and hooked onto his little brothers side with his paw. "Hey that's okay man."
Panda flinched a little when Grizz grabbed him but he could feel some of the tenseness dissipate. He put on a half smile and quickly glanced in his brother's direction. Grizz let his smile waver for a moment but then his eyes widened.

"Ooh! Check this out!"

Panda turned to give a questioning look when Grizz suddenly sprung up and  dragged  him by his torso into a laying position on the right side of the bed. Grizz reopened his laptop, pulled up the browser and clicked on a bookmark. "I figured out what we're gonna do tomorrow!" He picked it up and climbed over his brother as Panda clumsily tried to prop himself up with his pillow. Grizz plopped down on the other side of the bed and turned the screen so that they could both see.

San Francisco Boat Show - Tomorrow and all weekend long!

"We're going to a boat show?" Panda was confused.

"Yeah, and we're gonna get one."

"We're getting a boat?"

"Yep!" Grizz continued. "We're gonna get a big speedboat for riding tubes and water boards and para-sailing and fishing and everyone is gonna wanna chill with us on our boat! He made a low pitched squee that sounded like a hum behind his closed lips. "Oh! And I bet there will be lots of girls too that would want to hang out with you!"

Panda perked up a little. "Do you really think so?"

"Yeah, dude! Chicks totally dig boats!"

Panda let out a genuine smile. "Heh, I guess that would be pretty cool.  But, uhh, aren't boats pretty expensive though?"

Grizz shrugged. "Eh, worst case I bet our little bro could build us one. He loves to do that sort of thing, ya know?"

"Yeah." There was a pause.

Panda could sense there wasn't much left to say. His frown crept back and he felt embarrassed. 'Why do I make things so awkward? He doesn't know what to do with me. I don't even know why I came in here.'

Grizz allowed his expression to deflate somewhat as he noticed Panda's eyes shift away again. He glanced at the time on the screen. "Oh, it's getting late!"

"We've got a big day tomorrow!" Grizz shut his laptop and fumbled over Panda as he semi-dropped it on to the night stand. He inspected Panda's blanket and tugged it outward to make sure the multicolored bear's extremities were covered. Panda noticed that his blanket had been subsequently pulled out from under him on his brother's side, but didn't think to try and fix it before Grizz draped a generous portion of his own repurposed sleeping bag over him. “There. Nice and warm!” Grizz leaned over Panda once more to turn off the light, lowered his head onto the others shoulder and briskly hugged his little brother. "Goodnight little bro. I love you."

Grizz laid down facing his brother's side, barely an inch away but careful not to touch. Panda turned over compulsively to face the night stand. He thought about saying 'I love you too' but he hesitated and felt like it was too late. Panda stared at the night stand for a minute. 'This is fine. I should just fall asleep now.' He felt legitimately tired but something kept him from drifting off. His breathing wobbled as he inhaled manually. 'Come on, this is fine. Just sleep!' His frustration slipped out as an audible whine with his exhale. Almost immediately, Grizz placed his paw on the near side of his brother's shoulder. Panda tensed and his lips trembled.

"Panda. It's okay" Grizzly's voice cracked more when he tried to whisper.

Panda shuddered, knowing he couldn't bottle up what was building inside now. He gave in and shoved himself back up against his brother. Grizzly knew exactly what to do. He sat up a little and wrapped his arms tightly around the other's torso. Panda's eyes watered and his breathing accelerated. He tried to taper it but ended up holding his breath, making it worse. He gasped and let out a pained yelp. Grizz began to make slow circular motions on his baby brother's belly and chest with his paws. Panda cringed and pushed tears out of his eyes as he shut them. His self set expectations of rugged stoicism seemed to be crumbling. Panda could have indulged in more despair, but his brother's ministrations led him instead to consider the other bear behind him; the one that he always shrugged away. Heat welled up in his cheeks. He spun himself around and buried his face into his brother's furry chest.

"I love you!" Panda blurted out between heaving sobs.

Grizz quickly adapted to the new position. His paws now massaged different parts of Panda's back and his chin rested above Panda's head. Panda continued to cry out but his brother's mass dampened the sound. Grizz relished the chance to be close to his little bro, and Panda's words warmed his heart. He dragged his left paw up Panda's back, fluffing the fur in it's path. His paw reached the top of the shorter bear and resumed a circular motion, the friction sending warm waves as the movement messed the soft white fur on Panda's head.

Panda's whimpering began to simmer into mellow cooes, each one quieter and less pointed than the last. The tenseness he felt before began to ease, starting from where Grizz rubbed and expanding outward. Grizz tightened the grip of his left paw on his brother's back, lightly tugged him head-ward while shrugging himself downward, and planted a big smooch on the top of Panda's forehead.

Pandas face reddened. He curled back down to try and hide his bashful smile but his next exhale was replaced with a gleeful snort that gave him away. He located one of his arms, wrapped it around the brown bear and pulled himself in closer. Grizz beamed at his little brother, seeing that he was coming around.

Panda returned his face to Grizzly's chest and inhaled. The familiar musk soothed his mind and made his eyelids heavy. He kept his head and torso glued to his big brother, but turned his snout toward the ceiling just enough to make breathing easier. He closed his eyes and felt okay.

"Better?"

"Yeah." Panda was quickly drifting off. His remaining words were quiet but clear. "Goodnight big bro."

Grizz could sense as Panda's breathing became automatic. His eyes shifted up to look at the stubby black ears a few inches from his face, noticing the locks of disheveled white fur that contrasted them. He carefully lifted his left paw and grazed it over an ear, only making contact with his palm where he could feel it most with the least force. Panda stirred meagerly but stayed asleep. Grizz brought his paw back down to rest below Panda's shoulder.

He managed to whisper clearly. "Goodnight Pan Pan."