Karen Fighting Koyomi

“My condition? Ah, that’s right, my condition isn’t normal,” Karen agreed, nodding. “My head feels fuzzy. And I’m hot all over like my body is on fire. It feels like my clothes might burst into flames from the heat. My joints are heavy, and every time I take a step I feel like I might fall─I can’t even see you straight, it’s like my eyes are parched. If I so much as blinked, they might never open again.”

“……”

“In other words, I’m in my best condition.”

She edged toward me─still in her fighting stance. Before I knew, she’d closed the distance between us until she was near enough to land a punch.

“You know, you’re pretty slick,” I said. “If you weren’t my sister, I might have a crush on you.”

“And if you weren’t my brother, I might have gone easy on you.”

Too bad─Karen took a swing.

It wasn’t hard to see the punch coming. She wasn’t even on the rebound from her illness, she was still as sick as a dog. I blocked it─and then twisted her wrist.

Back and up.

The next instant─I was soaring through space.

“!”

I didn’t even have the time to register my surprise. Forget about a scream, the best I could manage was an exclamation mark─before crashing, supine, onto the asphalt.

The asphalt. It’s not a comfortable surface for the human back.

I was ready to scream now.

“G─ahhh!”

“Too bad this isn’t some dojo, Koyomi. That wouldn’t have hurt so bad on the mats. In our style, we start learning throws after the first stripe. Did I forget to mention that?”

“……nkk!”

You’ve got to be kidding me. Since when were there throws in karate? Apparently there were a lot of things I didn’t know about in this world.

And it seemed Karen could move just fine. I hadn’t been expecting that.

“Thanks─that really opened my eyes,” she said.

By that, I guess she didn’t mean recognizing the error of her ways and feeling penitent. Moving around had quite literally woken her up and cleared the cobwebs from her brain. She slowly stretched herself out.

“Let’s see…twenty minutes until the next bus. Do you want me to call you an ambulance in the meantime?”

“Don’t make me laugh. The only one who’ll be getting in an ambulance is you,” I retorted, struggling back to my feet.

The wind had been knocked out of me when I landed on the ground, so I was breathing heavy. But that didn’t matter. There was no need for me to catch my breath.

Stare straight ahead.

At your sister.

Your little sister, who’s ill.

“You’re kidding,” she marveled. “How are you standing? That throw could have killed you─in fact, the instructor told me I should never use that technique outside the dojo, under any circumstances.”

“Then I hope they kick you out.”

“Just stay out of my way!”

I didn’t see the next punch coming. Not that the punch itself was any faster. She hadn’t purposely slowed her earlier attack to set up the throw.

This time, however…she added in a feint. It made a big difference.

The first strike was full force.

But the second strike─was a doozy.

“Ack… Ng─nghh!”

Karen landed five punches to my torso before I hit the asphalt again. I had failed to block a single one.

It was a total onslaught, a barrage of fists.

“By the way, Koyomi. Don’t you think the phrase ‘my body is on fire’ sounds kind of dirty?!”

“No, I don’t!”

“It sounds almost like ‘my body is for hire.’”

“You sound like a friend of mine from school!”

“A friend?! Who?!”

“I’m talking about the biggest pervert I know!” I shouted angrily.

Kanbaru would be over the moon if she could hear me. While I was still shouting, Karen tried to land a kick. This time I caught her by the ankle─yes! I was still the stronger one, and her wrist was one thing, but there was no way she could throw me while I was holding her ankle!

Unfortunately.

Karen had two legs.

I never saw it coming. Using the ankle I was gripping as a fulcrum, she swung her other leg up to kick me hard in the side.

This hurt.

After all, she was taller than me and had just put her whole weight into the kick─I think I felt my organs flatten. But I didn’t let go─at least, not until she landed the same fiendish attack three more times.

No good, I wasn’t going to be able to ride this beating out.

I didn’t have a vampire’s constitution anymore. To be honest, purely in terms of how it felt to me, Karen seemed a notch above the likes of Guillotine Cutter.

----- Unnecessary Dialogue Removed -----

I struggled to my feet, nearly in tears─the third attack wasn’t accompanied by words.

Karen’s punch simply came at me.

Just endure it a little longer. That’s what I told Shinobu, but “a little longer” was pretty vague. For now, what she had to endure was another ten punches.

I endured it too, of course.

I endured the unendurable and suffered the insufferable.

Karen really had gotten stronger. I was practically no match for her as I was. Vampiric or not, I can’t believe I was ever arrogant enough to think I might kill her by accident if we fought. She’d progressed so far while I was avoiding our squabbles? How could she have gotten so strong in a matter of mere months?

Who was this instructor of hers, Grand Elder Goro? Did she drink the Ultra Divine Water or something?

Believe me, I wasn’t trying to be suave. I wasn’t letting her hit me because she was a girl, or my sister, or whatever─though I was faring so poorly that an excuse would have served nicely. There wasn’t even an opening for me to launch a counterattack. Talk about unfair… Was she an original character introduced in the anime, or what? It was a whole different worldview.

Maybe being sick meant that Karen’s brakes had stopped working as well, because her assault showed no signs of slowing down.

However…

“This is getting ridiculous,” she said, pausing momentarily when she saw that I still wasn’t collapsing. “I bet my hand hurts more from punching you.”

“Don’t be stupid, I’m the one getting hit. Obviously I’m in more pain.”

Geez. If it wasn’t for my lingering vampirism’s healing factor, I’d be dead by now─no joke.

“You know you can’t beat me, Koyomi.”

“And you know you can’t beat me, Karen.”

I could feel myself bleeding all over─I’d let Shinobu drink it afterward as a peace offering.

In fact, if I didn’t boost my healing skill that way, I’d have to check into a hospital.

“If you wanna give up, you better do it now, Koyomi.”

“Isn’t it a little late for that line?”

“My hands hurt.”

So I’m done punching you, Karen said─before coming at me again. This time with a leg sweep.

I’d expected her to use her legs next, so I was able to avoid it by jumping backward─but I wasn’t able to dodge the follow-up attack.

She brought her other leg up high─and brought it crashing down heel first.

A naeryeo chagi.

What the hell was up with her karate school?!

“Nrgh…kk!”

I raised both my hands in a cross above my head to block─but my sister was the musclehead. There was no way it was going to be enough to stop her kick.

In fact, I was probably about to have the bones in my arms shattered.

What kind of a technique is that to use against an amateur, I thought, but oddly, while the force hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt like I was about to be squashed from the force, it didn’t knock me over.

What? Was she holding back?

Unless…

“Hmph! Not bad! But…that was just another feint!”

Even as she spoke, her leg, which had swung low from the axe kick, now came slicing up, toes aiming for my jaw─but she had another thing coming if she thought a flashy move like that was going to connect. I swayed my upper body back just enough to evade it. But she hadn’t meant the move as a strike.

Karen kicked her other leg up as though to chase the first─tossing her whole body up into the air.

She supported herself on her palms.

A handstand.

“Hup!”

With her legs spread open in a straight split like a bamboo-copter, she began to spin.

“Ngh…rrk!”

Somehow I managed to block with my arms─if you could call it blocking. I wasn’t guarding myself, I was having my arms pulverized.

It felt like I was being beaten with a baseball bat.

I think she spun about five times─in other words, she kicked my arms ten times. I couldn’t even feel them anymore. How could she generate so much force standing upside down?

Didn’t I know the attack from some fighting game?

It wasn’t karate, it was capoeira!

“Y-You…”

After being kicked again and again, I tried to grab one of Karen’s legs. She had messed up this time─she underestimated me if she thought such an acrobatic maneuver would finish me. Now was my chance to counterattack─only…

As if she’d been waiting for me to reach out, and as if to shake it off, she sank toward the ground.

Sinking, and momentarily lying on the ground from her handstand position without losing any momentum as if the asphalt were slippery ice, she kept spinning on her back like she was breakdancing─speeding up, if anything, and sweeping at my legs again. The kicks were so sharp they were like a scythe.

Circular motion. Torque.

Unable to utilize her full strength due to her illness, her strategy seemed to be to take advantage of the laws of inertia and centrifugal force─and it was proving extremely effective.

I was so focused on guarding my upper body that my shins were wide open. My knees crumpled from the kicks─which looked to be Karen’s aim all along.

She stuck her palms against the asphalt again.

Raised herself into another handstand.

And then pushed, leaping into the air using just her arms.

Shit! All that time spent training upside down was paying off!

While I was busy gawking, Karen’s long legs, which she’d just employed as a scythe, turned into a pair of scissors that clutched my head where her meaty thighs joined. She immediately bent one knee, locking my head in place.

With my face smothered against her jersey’s crotch, I couldn’t breathe. But that was only for a moment.

Karen spun her arms in mid-air, hard, like a screw─the momentum whipped her whole body around.

Her twist─yanked me off the ground.

Through sheer force─she uprooted me.

A-Another throw?

A neck throw─using her legs?!

Karen had taken mine out in advance, and I was powerless to resist the completely unexpected maneuver. Before I had time to say “impossible,” the world grew blurry.

I was soaring through space once more.

Karen released her leg hook on my head halfway through, allowing me to somehow avoid landing headfirst (I’m pretty sure this was another “never use under any circumstances outside of the dojo” technique. It reminded me of something out of Muscle Man wrestling but was probably an ancient martial art move)─but there was no way I was going to make a clean landing.

I hit the ground hard, striking my hips on the pavement.

I seized up─white pain wracking my body.

Karen, meanwhile, had landed perfectly, just as you would expect. She was already launching a follow-up strike─she’d used her legs like a scythe and a pair of scissors, and this time they lashed out like a whip.

I instantly grabbed a stone and lugged it at Karen─not just one, either. I threw one each with both of my hands!

A big boy throwing stones at a middle-school girl.

None other than me.

“I don’t think so!”

Hollering, Karen didn’t even slow as the missiles approached─she deflected the arc of her kick and knocked away the two stones that were hurtling toward her.

No─not knocked away. She smashed them into smithereens.

H-Her kicks can shatter stone mid-air?!

That was a metal bat she was swinging!

“Geez, how much have you been training, Sister Princess 1/12 Scale Model?!”

“That’d be a normal sister!”

Managing an appropriate rebuttal to my curse without letting her quipping distract her─I guess you could say she was built to different specs than me─she aimed at my head again.

A running, flying back kick─and you know, my head just happened to be right there!

And believe it or not, gruesome though it may be…it wasn’t over with one strike.

I’d hate to say “wings on a tiger,” but Karen almost seemed to defy gravity─still suspended in mid-air, she followed up with another pinpoint strike to my head with her other leg.

But it wasn’t over with two strikes, either.

Still in mid-leap, Karen let the rotation take her, kicking me a total of three times─in the head.

I felt like Anpanman after getting a new face from Uncle Jam (Is that metaphor going to work?! It means: I thought my head had gotten blown off!)

The first kick had been so powerful that if I’d been standing up, it probably would have floored me instantaneously, but since my ass happened to already be on the ground, I took all three hits in quick succession─seriously, it was pretty devastating.

My brain was probably bean paste by this point, no exaggeration.

“What are you, a ceiling fan?! I’m gonna start talking like an alien at this rate, you Futakoi 1/6 Scale Model!”

“Me and Tsukihi aren’t twins!”

“You were, in the original setting!”

“We were?!”

Yes, indeed. If you searched hard enough, you could still find a few remaining clues.

After a revolution and a half, Karen landed on one foot, but Karen, being Karen, most certainly did not stop to catch her breath. This time she spun in the other direction─and leapt back into the air in order to kick me on the other side of my head.

But apparently ergonomics were against her. As soon as she did, she was spun around by the force of her own kick, completely ruining her form─but wait!

I was wrong, it was another feint. She was just building up centrifugal momentum.

She leaned into her kick and executed a spectacular backflip before my eyes─and landed on me as I sat with my buttocks planted firmly on the ground.

She alighted on my shoulder─then, using me as a springboard, leapt straight into the air. Directly over my head.

“Wha… You!”

I glanced up reflexively─only to be greeted by the sight of Karen folding both her legs, ready to bring her full weight crashing down in a knee drop on the bones she’d used as her personal springboard.

“Y-You’re kidding me, you’ll rip my shoulder clean off─forget Anpanman, you Happy Lesson 1/5 Scale Model!”

“That one’s not about sisters, it’s about mothers!”

True. I guess I got carried away. What demographic were we going after, anyway?

Without a second to lose, ignoring the searing pain in my back, I somehow squirmed away─her point of contact was focused on a single spot, so I only had to shuffle a bit to avoid the blow.

It’s your own jump strength that will be your ruin, girl!

Enjoy kneeing the asphalt instead of my shoulder─a couple of small stones are one thing, but demolishing an asphalt surface shouldn’t prove so easy!

Your knees will be the thing turned to smithereens, this time!

Yet─from the corners of my eyes I witnessed an astounding sight.

I’d dodged her attack at the last moment, but in response, Karen twisted her upper body a mere foot and a half off the ground─creating a spiral with her 5’7” frame to stick a landing which, if not elegant, was plenty impressive.

Especially compared to just managing to crawl out of the way on your hands and knees.

Despite the fact that we were still in the middle of a battle, I couldn’t help but gaze in awe at Karen’s fluid maneuver─basically giving her a perfect opening.

She acted without hesitation, slipping behind me, swiftly twisting back my arms, and hooking them in place with her knees. Then she strangled me once again, with both of her arms.

A collar lock…no, sleeper hold? With her legs wrapped around my arms, it was an unusual variation, but this wasn’t karate, either. It was clearly a judo move!

“Are you sure you’re not studying judo…or maybe Jeet Kune Do?”

“Nope, it’s karate… This technique is called the Choke Sleeper X!”

“Since when are they named like wrestling moves?!”

Uh oh. My sister had fallen prey to false advertising.

Well, considering her level, I guess it didn’t matter what school or style she followed.

Either way, I was in big trouble.

I might be able to endure her punches and kicks, but even with vampiric healing, there was no way I could withstand a stranglehold─attacking the respiratory system directly is a surprisingly effective tactic. It had taken me so long to recover from Karen’s first throw precisely because it had knocked the wind from my lungs.

When Karen said she was done punching─I thought she meant she was changing to a leg-heavy style. But if the idea was to use other variations with her arms, like throws and chokes, then I was screwed!

“Getting choked can be kind of pleasurable, I know from experience─I hope you enjoy it!” invited my sister.

“Who choked you?! I’ll kill the bastard!”

“I’m talking about you!”

Right…

And I guess as part of training at the dojo.

“This is vengeance for all those years under your thumb!” declared Karen.

“Wait…didn’t we have another reason for this?”

But no matter how much Karen flexed─and squeezed my neck─my breathing remained absolutely fine. I guess when push came to shove, she still wasn’t feeling well.

Unlike striking techniques, where she could concentrate the impact into bursts, a chokehold required her to maintain continuous force with her arms. In her current condition, she just couldn’t generate enough power.

The fact that she released her leg hook earlier, while still in mid-air, bolstered my theory. It wasn’t long before Karen also realized trying to choke me was a mistake.

But this was my chance. As soon as she realized her mistake, I shook off her arms, stood up, and spun around.

Karen had also gotten back on her feet. I reached for her chest. I’d never beat her on technique. My one chance was to hook her by the jersey and drag her into an ugly free-for-all. Unfortunately…

“Where are you aiming, perv!”

Karen easily dodged my arms. And then, of all things, she planted her skull to my face.

A head-butt!

Girls weren’t supposed to use head-butts!

The counter was well-timed, hitting me square in the bridge of my nose and temporarily dazing me─I closed my eyes reflexively and lost sight of Karen.

Karen, being Karen, did not let that opportunity go to waste.

She immediately stepped into my blind spot, turning her back to me for a moment before executing a 270 degree turn, using her full weight to strike me with a backhand to the temple─talk about a pinpoint strike!

My brain shook in my skull. The single blow was enough to knock me down to the asphalt again. My body skidded, leaving my clothes tattered.

But I didn’t have time to worry about that. If I didn’t get up right away, she’d follow up─

“Ugh, my hands really hurt,” Karen said. She stepped back to reassume her stance. “Honestly, I don’t want to hit you anymore. This is just turning into senseless violence. You get it already, don’t you? You really can’t beat me.”