Chapter 5 Excerpt

Chapter 5:  Gallantly, Hiratsuka Shizuka walks ahead

Context: After the prom, Haruno talks to Hachiman’s about Yukino. Hachiman is confused with what he needs to do. Hiratsuka Sensei sees he’s all depressed, and brings him into an indoor baseball practice area. After both of them swinging a few times, they rest on the bench on the side. Hiratsuka hands him a can of coffee. And so the following conversation:

‘Here’

‘Oh, thanks’

I gratefully took the coffee can that was quietly handed to me, and so I sat beside her.

‘Are you feeling much better now?’

‘If exercising the body can make you feel better, then athletes wouldn’t need to take any medicine at all.’

She stares at me with her gentle eyes. I did not mean any ill-will, I just said that out of embarrassment. Hiratsuka Sensei smiles trying to divert the topic.

‘You’re still not very cute huh?’

‘But still, I truly thank you for always being so considerate of me, even until the very end I’m still under your care.’

Hiratsuka Sensei was shocked hearing that. After taking a deep breath and scratching her long hair, she put her hands on the top of my head.

‘You occasionally show your cute side, which makes it even worse.’

Saying this, Hiratsuka Sensei violently rubs my head. Embarrassed and shameful, all sorts emotions flooded my mind. Regardless, the first feeling I felt was pain. Escaping from that hand, I pulled away a distance. Hiratsuka Sensei’s hand eventually left my head.

Hiratsuka Sensei still had a faint smile on her face, in the moment her hand left she bit into a cigarette*. Lit her cigarette, blew out a faint smoke, and quietly asked me.

*Note: Not sure how to translate this whole part about her smoking but just know she’s lighting a cigarette like a boss.

‘What were you doing back there?’

‘Ah, just some non-important matter’

Surprised by that sudden question, I was only able to give a depthless response. But Hiratsuka Sensei smiled as if she saw through me.

‘Did Haruno tell you something?’

‘Well, she said a bunch of things.’

Being forced to speak, only these words came out of my mouth. But Hiratsuka Sensei stared at me and didn’t let me go. The topic that follows, by now it seems there can no longer exist any vagueness, I spilled out the following words formed with my incomplete thoughts.

‘Something about me not getting drunk, just like that person’

‘Well knowing Haruno, I don’t think she meant it that way.’’

Looking at the slightly restless Hiratsuka Sensei, I nodded my head.

‘Atmosphere, and… relationship. We talked about those things. According to that person, our relationship seems to be co-dependent. I didn’t want to admit that so I tried to argue against her, but it was difficult.’

Most likely if this was someone else, I would not have said something like this. Exposing my weakest part is something I can hardly endure. Not only because of my fragile self-esteem, but also of my arrogant heart of glass.

So, no matter how I am questioned, I would just give a half-assed response as if I was joking.

But, only one person, only in front of Hiratsuka Sensei can I save the disguise and conceit. She is so obviously more mature than me, and it always draws a line between me and adults.

Even now, Hiratsuka Sensei didn’t ask any superfluous questions, she blew out a faint smoke, and carefully examined what I had said.

‘Co-dependent huh? Sounds like the Haruno I know. But Haruno’s wording is just something like a metaphor. Even though it’s obvious, she still purposely put it like that, she must really like you.’

‘Ha, knowing that doesn’t make me happy at all.’

‘You cannot take Haruno’s word at surface value. You and Haruno both are good at looking through something’s true nature right?’

Hearing those half-joking words, I can only give out a forced smile. Hiratsuka Sensei suddenly started chuckling, she puts out her cigarettes on the edge of the ashtray, and moved her body towards me.

‘But, I don’t agree with her. No matter you, or Yukinoshita, or Yuigahama, is not in this sort of relationship.’

The thin swirling white smoke dissipates. In this moment, heavy smell of tar drifts through the air.

I cannot be more familiar with this smell. No one around me smoke this type of cigarettes, and certainly one day this smell would become a nostalgic memory.

‘What co-dependency. Don’t use such simple words to generalise your feelings’

Hiratsuka Sensei pointed out her fingertips, her fingertips emanates an unforgettable odor. She gently placed her hands on my shoulders.

‘Maybe you’ve been convinced by her logic. But don’t use such borrowed words to distort a relationship. Don’t end a relationship because there’s a straightforward way to do so*.’

Note: Earlier in the book, Hachiman mentions that he doesn’t mind ending a relationship, because it is something he had done so many times that it means nothing to him.

Staring at my eyes, Sensei gently asked.

‘Your feelings, is it something that can be settled with such a simple word?’

‘Of course not. It’s just a word, it’s impossible to settle with just that. Plus, some words I still am not able to properly conveyed.’

Even until now, no matter my thoughts, or my mind, or my feelings, I was not able to clearly convey them. If those words lose their meaning, then it would be no different from the sounds animals make. The growling of the mind of self-conflict being summed up by a one-sided feeling*, revealing your fangs protecting the stubbornness that cannot be expressed, yet clutching your tail compromising that maybe it’s ok not to convey it.

*Note: If you’re not quite sure what this means, I can’t say I do too, I’m just kind of translating word by word. Although I’m pretty sure Hachiman is comparing himself to barbaric animals, who are unable to convey their feelings to others.

My teeth unconsciously starts shaking, and my hands held tightly on the aluminium can.

However, Sensei’s hand left my shoulders, and nod her head satisfyingly.

‘You know deep inside you what your answer is. You just don’t know how to put it into words. So you tried to borrow a word that was easy to understand, trying to settle your feelings with it.’

Perhaps this is true, I relied on a word that can most straightforwardly convey my feelings, no matter good or evil, love or hate, it is the word co-dependency. If I hinged on this word, then I didn’t have to consider other things. But that was only me ceasing to think, running away from reality.

‘But, there are many ways to do this. Even if it’s only a sentence, there are infinite ways to express it.’

Hirastuka Sensei took out a ballpen from her chest pocket, playfully waved it around, as if it was a magician’s wand.

Then, she wrote something on a napkin paper.

‘For example, I have a lot of opinions about you. Like how annoying you are, how incapable you are, how twisted you are, how I’m worried about your future.’

While saying all these things, she messily writes on the napkin paper.

‘What a mess you have written.’

‘That’s not it, there’s still much more much more to write, saying it out loud would take too much effort.’

Following the ballpens’ track, the paper is almost drowned in ink. The edges are filled up, yet the center is still perfectly blank. Not long after, the center is also infiltrated by the black ink. And it slowly forms a shape of a word.

‘But, with all of these added, what’s included inside is…’

Before I can figure what that word is, Hiratsuka Sensei handed me the paper forcefully.

‘I like you’

‘Ah, hm, ha, ha’

Looking at the paper, in the middle of the black canvas, there’s a word that was written in the space not used: “Like”. Shocked, confused, happy, embarrassed and other emotions filled my mind. I had a reaction that was not so proper.

‘Don’t be embarrassed. You are my best student. In surface meaning, I really like you.’

Hiratsuka Sensei laughed like a kid who just had a successful prank. Once again, she violently rubs my head. So dangerous, what is the meaning to this. For a second I actually thought she was serious, then I also super like you haha. My head starts sweating profusely.

I quickly turned away, my head escaped from Hiratsuka Sensei’s hand, I gently put my hands on my chest. Hiratsuka Sensei joyfully looks at my flustered look, and lit another cigarette.

‘If one sentence can’t solve it then keep talking. If you still can’t solve it then don’t stop talking. If you can’t even trust words, then just add actions to it.’

Hiratsuka Sensei stares at the smoke she blew out, and so I also stared at the smoke through the side of her face.

‘No matter what type of words, or what type of actions. Collect them all one by one, and create your own answer. Fill the canvas, and maybe the remaining blank space would create a shape of a word.’

The hazy smoke that loitered dissipated completely after shortly.

In front of me that is suddenly clear again, Hiratsuka Sensei tightly stares at me.

‘So let me see it, while I’m still your teacher, no matter your feelings or thoughts, let me see all of it. Without hiding or covering, display all of it to me.’

‘All of it, huh?’

Hiratsuka Sensei held her fist in front of her chest, and nods her head heavily.

‘Yeah, just fill it all up,’

‘You think this is ramen?’

After saying that, Hiratsuka Sensei reveals a smiles. My stubbornness is dissolved by that smile, and a faint smile appears on my face.

‘Well, I’ll try my best, although I can’t guarantee it will be understood.’

‘If this can be so easily resolved then it wouldn’t have been an issue to begin with. But if it’s you, I’m sure you can figure something out.’

Hiratsuka Sensei lightly knocked on my head. And stretched herself like the conversation is over.

‘Well now, let’s go and get a bowl of ramen before heading home. Let’s go to なりたけ*.’

*Note: なりたけ: A ramen store

‘Ah, not a bad idea.’

‘Right?’

Hiratsuka Sensei’s face suddenly revealed a cold smile, she put out her cigarette, and quickly stood up. And so I followed.

Although we’re chatting while we’re walking. Hiratsuka Sensei is always a few steps ahead of me*.

Note: ‘Few steps ahead of me’ here is literal. She’s walking in front of Hachiman

Looking at her silhouette, I suddenly stop my footsteps.

Her backbone that is held straight, surely no one can compare to her coolness.

This teacher, is probably the only person I can call my mentor. I want her to see what comes next, I want her to witness my decision.

No matter how ugly it might get, how tedious it might get, how tragic it might get. Even if it goes so terrible it’s beyond saving, I will show her the answer Hikigaya Hachiman gives.

I’m sure, letting this end isn’t the problem. But it’s the method I choose to end this.

Relying on words that are borrowed, ingratiating myself with a shallow compromise. This relationship that is twisted beyond redemption, I’m afraid is not the thing I’m seeking for, but a fake that cannot be saved.

And so, for the genuine thing that only one exists, I will leave a scar on the fake as if to destroy it.

The youth that I have knowingly wronged, I will bring an end to it.

<End of Chapter 5>