Lets pretend

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Tapping my finger on the coffee table, I look down at my pocket watch in silence, waiting for the door to open. I could not honestly answer how long I’ve waited, watching the hands of the clock glide over the face, but I will admit that it is longer than any sane woman should wait. Closing the watch, I glance to the door and let the events unfold in my mind. Pressing a hand to my chest, I try to soothe the odd stinging that dwells there, keeping my neutral expression and state of mind.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Can that clock be any louder. I know time it passing, flowing and wasting as I sit here waiting. The blasted device need not remind me of it, nor mock me with its echoing breaths of time as if sighing sadly at my own foolish nature over this. Slipping my watch back into my pocket, hoping to muffle the ticking and tocking of mocking tone, running my fingers through my hair. All this time could have been spent on my research, all this idleness filled with drinking tea, all this nervous energy better focused on a project of greater value. No such man or beast should be able to do this to me, not while I still have much to do with my theories. I look over to my room, our room, where the soft cooing of my pet sleepily drifts in the air. I should correct my last thought, for there is one beast that could do this to me without effort. The birds own most of my time and idle thoughts, with their free natures and ability to take flight when they so wish it.

Whap. Whap. Whap.

The wind has picked up it seems, I hope the window doesn’t splinter from the force of the tree limb. Looking outside I can see the misting of  a light rain, the lights from the street lamps and the tail-lights of cars going past in haste before the heavy rain breaks. You should be home soon, whatever that word means to you now I can not be sure. Sinking into the seat, I stare at the wall and focus my emotions once more. I need to keep calm when you come, I need to stay in control and not let on what I feel. I will not break or show malfunction before you when this is over and done with.

Creeeeeak.

Finally, you’ve come. Took you long enough to get back from whom ever you have been with. I call you to the table, motioning to the chair across from me. You look startled and confused by the fact I was awake, even weary that I seem to have been waiting for you to come back. You should be weary I suppose, but perhaps not overly worried. I lift my cup, taking the time to gather my thoughts as I take in the life-affirming drink. You eventually take the seat and I pour you a cup of tea, setting it before you as if it was just another morning for us. She smile a bit, taking the cup as you jokingly ask if it was laced with rat poison. I give you a light-hearted laugh at your attempts of comedy, the whimsy of your worried nature as it were. I assure you that there is nothing in the cup but tea, at it should be when one has a tea cup before them.

“So why are you still awake. I thought you would be resting for work tomorrow, buttercup.”

I wave the question off, telling you that I will be plenty rested for my job at the hospital. I then turn my cup and push it aside as I look over to you. You are fidgeting, plucking at your cuffs as if trying to hide something from me. Silly little man, you have nothing to hide from me. I already know about her and what you’ve been hiding for a few days now. Your eyes meet mine and you freeze in spot, like a deer in the headlights, when you see the complete focus I portray.

“Something the matter Buttercup…you seem distracted by something.”

I smile and ask you where you’ve been. You start to answer but I cut you off, likely stopping your lie of being at your work or taking a stroll in a park before losing track of time. I tell you there is no need to lie since I already know you’ve been with that woman near your offices. She is a rather attractive woman as you will agree, not a bad choice really and she is quite the friendly person. Warm, open, and very caring toward people. She isn’t completely focused in her career, doesn’t block the words of other out as I do when in a project, going out of her way to say hello to all those that walk into those doors. She must give you something I never could, though its obvious what that is seeing how no matter what mood I never seem to be in the ‘mood’ you wish me to be. Now now, don’t start trying to tell me I am being ridiculous. You know you would never be able to hide it from me for long. I suppose if I was like other women, a normal woman, you wouldn’t feel the need to find comfort in another woman in that aspect.

“Cece…I never meant to hurt you.”

I stop and stare at you, studying your features. I knew you were very observant, but for you to uncover that I was hurt this soon. I need to work on my poker face better, or maybe it was my vocal patterns. Something to look into on another date I suppose. I wave this statement off as well, but you catch my hand and fold it in yours. You brush the back of my hand with her thumb, like how you used to over breakfast before running off for work. Such simple actions, but it always touched me. I guess you never knew how much those simple yet loving actions meant to me, or how it hurt when you stopped. Did I forget to show you how much it meant to me or did I forget to let you in on how my mind works. I can’t be certain now, but at this moment I feel like crying as you hold my hand.

“I know this was wrong. I know I should have…at least talked to you. But it just happened so soon, so quickly. I just…”

I stop you, placing a hand over yours as I look down at the table. I can see our hands, the  moment of connection between us. I give your hand a soft squeeze as I ready the words  I need to say next, finalizing it so I don’t make a mistake here when it truly matters. I looking up at your eyes once more before returning my gaze to our hands I start to speak. I know I can never give you what you want in the carnal of aspects, as I am as what one would call a ‘Ace’. I can never fully give you that, my body or my sexual desires, but what I could and have given you was my heart. Romantically, I was here though I at times would lock the world away as I dive into my projects. I would ignore you during these times and I am sorry for this, ashamed really when I think about it, which was never fair to you. You are a normal man, and as others that are normal, with desires beyond romantic-centric. You have a sexual side to you that I can never sate, a hunger I can never feed, no matter what measures I can try to will myself.

“Cece please just wait one sec--”

I can never be her. I can never me able to give you what she can, and you know it. We all know I am not built with a ‘drive’ as they call it. She can give you that, and to be honest I would have been alright with the arrangement if you had spoken to me first. I care about you, I love you, as I’ve told you times before. I would have been willing to let you go to sate those desires if it meant your heart would still be here at home with me, as long as I was the one you came home to and loved in the end of the night.

“What…wait, wait just one second will you. You would have been alright if I had…but…”

Yes, I would have been alright with it. Just because I am Ace, doesn’t mean you had to be celibate your entire life with me. If you had only talked to me, told me your desires and had allowed us to find a way to deal with it. Everything wouldn’t have changed, we could have gone on with our lives. But I know you don’t want a life like this, locked in a life with someone who thinks more like a machine than a human being.

“ Cece! Stop…”

You shake me, cutting off my speech and force me to look at you. You have such a serious look in your eyes now, your hands now on my shoulders and gripping them with enough force to let me feel it. I didn’t notice our hands hand come apart, I wish they hadn’t to be honest.  He move your hands up, framing my face as you look sadly at me like a man drowning. I lift my hand and lightly place it over yours, leaning into the support and say my last parting question. Do you still love me or do you love that other woman.

“…I’m so sorry…”

I close my eyes and nod, lifting myself from my seat. You try to grab at my hand, but I pull away, telling you that I was sorry too how this ended. I turn my back on you to make my exit, not wanting you to see me break or how wounded you’ve truly made me. I hear your chair skid against the floor as you come after me, calling my name and trying to get me to stop. I forgot how fast you were because now your arms are wrapped around me from behind, pinning my arms to my side. Your chin rests on my head, giving me a awkward hug. Its times like this I wish I wasn’t so short, being used as a chin rest as you try to smooth this over with such simple actions. You hold me silently, refusing to let me go. I can feel myself breaking, can hear the cracks in my heart ringing in my ears the longer you hold me there. I tell you to let me go but you refuse me, holding me tighter. Finally, the tears come and you turn me to face you. You flick a tear from my face with your knuckle before drawing me back into your embrace. You hurt me, you betrayed me, you went to another woman and fell in love with her. How could you do this to me, why would you think this would be alright.

“I know…god how I know. Look, I’m sorry…more than you’ll ever know. I loved you before, completely. You were the girl, and before she was just someone to blow steam with…but the longer we went on, the more I fell. This isn’t fair to you and I know you will hate me forever…I wouldn’t blame you”

I cling to the front of your shirt, face pressed into your chest as I am rendered to sobs. How can you do this to me, make me crack like this with such little effort. No one should be able to do this, be able to strip one of their shell and draw out their emotions. No one should be able to read me like a open book when I try so hard to keep it closed. I choke out if it was my fault, if I should have just left things alone or if I should have tried harder. You just squeeze me tighter, burying your face in my hair.

“This isn’t your fault…it isn’t. I don’t know where we went wrong, or if we really did go wrong but just didn’t go in the right direction. It was fun while it lasted, you gotta agree with me there, right? Now how about we stop all this crying and do something else…we can deal with this in the morning, alright?”

I shake my head, looking up at you and try to regain some pride in this whole ordeal. Yes we did have fun and you filled my days with something work never could. You gave me companionship and love with something as simple as a peck on the cheek, but now you have her. I ask you what will happen now, where we will go from here. Obviously we can’t realistically live together, or even share the same room now without everything feeling wrong.

“…you’re right. I’ll talk to her about maybe moving in together, make it official and all that. But please, please…I know I don’t deserve it but give me one last night. Give us one last night before we…before I have to leave that door the last time.”

I press my forehead to her chest, biting my lower lip. Letting out the softest of sighs, I nod before feeling your arms encircle me. One last night, I can give you one more night of just us laying in bed in each other arms. It will be nice to feel your warmth and hear your heart a late time before it disappears forever from my life. Lets go to bed, its gotten late and we both have work in the morning. Don’t cry, we know this is what’s best for the both of us. Now you don’t have to sneak around with her, now you can love her every minute of the day and night without having to worry about me. You lead my back to our room one last time, pulling back the sheets and pulling me in with you. Resting my head on your chest, I allow myself the indulge in this one last time.

Just for one night, let us pretend we still love one another. Lets not think of what the morning brings.