Evelyn (2018)

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[inhales]

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[exhales]

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[sighs]

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[coughs]

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I'm just gonna read
everything aloud because...

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So, this is a letter from...

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the coroner for...

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Greater London and...

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South--
The coroner for Inner South London...

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[deep breath]

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...to my dad.

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Sent on 15th March, 2005.

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[deep breath]

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It says,

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"Dear Mr. von Einsiedel,

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following your wife’s request today
in respect of your son’s last letter,

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please find this enclosed.

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Unfortunately, it is in a poor state.

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This was how it was sent to me.

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If I remember correctly,

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it was located in the pocket
of his trousers when he was found.

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[gulps]

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If I can be of further assistance,
please do not hesitate to contact me."

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[sniffs]

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I'm kind of absolutely terrified
to look at this.

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[tense music playing]

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[music stops]

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[rap music playing]

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[boy] Yo, welcome.

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I'm Evelyn.

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This is a two-minute film about my life
and my family.

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Come...

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[camera crackles]

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Come and meet them.

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So, this is my sister's room.

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There's Orlando, my older brother.

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Who are you?

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Is this your video diary?

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You keep all that video diary,
I'll have to beat you up.

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[chuckles]

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[Evelyn] Are you a snowboarder?

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[woman shouts] <i>Gwennie?</i>

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-“Got love for the streets”
-Yeah?

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[Evelyn] This is my sister.

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Yo, yo.

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I'm going to answer the phone.

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[camera crackles]

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-[Evelyn] Where are you going?
-[Gwen] I'm going to answer the phone.

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[Evelyn] Turn around.

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[phone ringing]

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Come back.

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Hang on a second.

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No comments, all right?

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I want the press out of here now.

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[Evelyn] Here's Tansy. Tansy, doggie.

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[melancholic music playing]

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Tansy. Hello.

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What's that? Wow, wow.

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Wow, wow. Wow.

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That's my little brother.

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-Wicked.
-[Evelyn] Wicked, wicked, wicked.

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E, can you film my skate later?

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[Evelyn] Yeah, man.

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Skateboards.

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[footsteps]

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-[Evelyn] All right, Mom. What's up?
-[Mom] Hello.

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Nothing.

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[reedy voice] Oh, my God!

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This is my mom. This is our kitchen.

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[Mom] Who's this for?

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This is our cooker. Dog.

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Woof, dog.

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Woof, dog.

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That's all for episode one
from the Einsiedels.

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[man] <i>Thirteen years ago,</i>
<i>my beautiful brother took his own life.</i>

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<i>It left a void that's just never healed.</i>

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[wind gusting]

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I'm Orlando von Einsiedel

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and I'm a filmmaker.

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Most of the films I make
are in conflict zones.

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-[gunfire]
<i>-Go, go, go!</i>

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Putting myself in risky situations...

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has just been something I was
comfortable with.

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[gunshots]

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[indistinct chatter]

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I've always tried to push myself.

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[melancholic music playing]

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Despite all of that, I can't bring myself
to talk about

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what happened to my brother
and how he died.

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I mean, I can barely say his name.

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You know, apart from conversations where

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it's almost been forced on me, I...

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I don't talk about him at all.

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Neither do my brother and sister,
Gwennie and Robin.

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[man] That's why you're packed so light.

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[Orlando] My brother loved walking.

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And we've decided to try and face
the things we just couldn't

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on a five-week walk in places
 that we spent time together with him.

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Along the way, our family
and his best friends are going to join us.

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[inhales] Um...

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Today, I'm feeling really nervous.

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Um...

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You know, in the run-up to this,

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I've obviously had to talk a little bit
about what we're going to do.

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Um...

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But there's like a...

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There's a-- There's a sort of a...

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There's a point.
There's a tipping point where...

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I can kind of talk about the logistics
of doing a walk

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and knowing that we're going
to talk about Evelyn.

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But if I cross that point,
I immediately...

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[voice breaking]
Even talking about it now... [inhales]

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[exhales]

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[gulps]

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[sniffs]

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[wind blowing]

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[woman] He was spiritual, Evelyn.

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[clicks tongue] Um...

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He was always thinking on--

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He was on a different level.

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Evelyn had a few very close friends.

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He wasn't a big party, social person.

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He was um... more retreating.

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Just last year,

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um... [gulps, clicks tongue]

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I had a conversation with Orlando
in the autumn, and he--

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In that kind of a older brother way,

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he checks in with me every now and again,
and it's like, "How are you?

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How are you really?" You know.
"Are you happy?" [chuckles]

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Um... And I just... I burst into tears,

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and I said I'm really struggling
with the memory of Evelyn

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and the fact that none of us
have talked about it.

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And this walk through places
that we walked with Evelyn,

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provides us with such a rare opportunity
to talk,

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to remember,

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um...

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to perhaps make sense, if at all,

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of what we all went through at that time
and what Evelyn went through.

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Was Evelyn taller than Orlando?

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-At one point, he was.
-[bird screeching]

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When he was older.

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[stutters] But not as babies?

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No, Orlando was athletic.
Evelyn wasn't athletic.

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[man]
This will be a healing process...

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or, you know, something which...

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we're able to look quite introspective...

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into our own family and into ourselves

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and sort of take
what we haven't spoken about

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and deal with it, being sort of open

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and not sort of--

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We're able to confront it, rather than
avoiding this-- this discussion.

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Coming to terms with things in a way
that you couldn't 15 years ago.

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It's very helpful for you...

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as a person.

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I hope so. I mean,
I think that's why... [chuckles]

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That's why we wanna do this.

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Yes, I think it's such a good idea.

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How-- How have--
How have you coped, Mom?

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-How have I coped? Um...
-Yeah.

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I think... initially when it happened,
I panicked that I'd die over it.

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I just thought I'd fall to the ground
and have a heart attack.

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So...

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It was so-- I couldn't even admit
to myself how frightening it was

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because in saying the word "frightening"

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or "horrifying," I'd have a panic attack
saying that word.

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So, I was doing as much as I could

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to basically focus on anything
to cope with...

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the shock.

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I grieved horribly or sadly
on his birthday and at Christmas,

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and then, you know,

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every now and then something
would make you remember it.

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A word or a person's face.

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I've met people...

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who have reminded me of Evelyn
in the last 13 years.

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-Me too.
-There was one, I had to go hold his arm,

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and I thought, this is how Evelyn
would have been if he'd stayed alive.

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And I had to say, "I'm sorry,
you look like my son, Evelyn.

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I can't believe it."

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He just smiled,
and his smile was like Evelyn's.

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Evelyn was my second son.

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And he was very intelligent

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and grew in stature
through his academic years.

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And...

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Everybody loved him.

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And Evelyn, who was so highly intelligent,
had won chemistry cups

186
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and all sorts of things at school
and wanted to be a doctor.

187
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He was very caring and sympathetic.

188
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And he seemed absolutely fine

189
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until he was about 17 or 18...

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when he had a terrific downfall.

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He became depressed,

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couldn't do anything.

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[clicks tongue] Um...

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He left school and had a gap year.

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And... longed to go to Africa.

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So he went to Africa, to Namibia...
[sniffs]

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...and his father put him in a placement
with a German family.

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And he seemed perfectly happy for a while.

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[sniffs]

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[voice breaking] And then...

201
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all of the sudden... [sniffs]

202
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...all his happiness that he faxed through
to all of us...

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disappeared.

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[birds screeching]

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You know, Evelyn, in the next two
to three years, the darling angel

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00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:13,000
became a monster
that we couldn't understand,

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00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,880
or we tried to understand,

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um... but it was so not Evelyn
to be who he was being.

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00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,160
[sniffs]

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00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,160
[Robin] I spent a lot of time with E
the last few weeks.

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00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,480
[stuttering] I was in the house
when Evelyn left

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-and he, subsequently, didn't come back.
-[bell rings, kids laughing]

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00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,840
[stuttering] And I remember...

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00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,760
this exchange or this conversation
I'm having with him.

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00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,560
And, you know, I think...

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00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,720
-What did you-- What was said?
-That sort of--

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00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,520
This--

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00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,360
When he was in Scotland
to being in London,

219
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,960
you know, he was saying, like,
"I'm gonna kill myself,"

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like all the time.

221
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,520
It's not like...

222
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,040
He'd planned it, I think, a year before.

223
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,720
Well, Mom and I...

224
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,640
found him trying to do it at home,

225
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,240
and we both had to cut him down
from the trapeze.

226
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,440
I don't know if we ever talked about that.
But that wasn't--

227
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,200
Yeah, I remember you telling me
about that.

228
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,760
-You know what--
-That was awful.

229
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,480
Somebody said to me,
they do it when you least expect it.

230
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That was what they said,
and the point was,

231
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:21,520
that night he had such a panic attack
at full moon.

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00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,880
I thought we'd got him through it
that night.

233
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,560
-When he went off to see Jack--
-[sobbing]

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Oh, G.

235
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,760
[crying]

236
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,680
Most of the time today,
if I'm honest, um...

237
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,080
I'm just feeling sad. [chuckles]

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Um... So...

239
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,120
[inhales]

240
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:07,120
I don't know. It's hard.
It's-- It's really draining...

241
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,360
talking about this and...

242
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,560
[breathes deeply]

243
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:20,800
And then it's especially hard when I see
how upset they've all got today.

244
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,400
[melancholic music playing]

245
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,200
[Gwen sighs]

246
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,160
I think this is good for all of us,

247
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,080
but I think it's especially good
for Robin.

248
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:08,720
What? Talking?

249
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:09,640
Yeah.

250
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,680
Why? Is it because you think he...

251
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,000
[panting]

252
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,400
I think if he...[chuckles] Yeah...

253
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,680
I'd actually just say speak for yourself,
Orlando.

254
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:20,760
[chuckles]

255
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,120
-All right. Fair. Fair enough.
-Fair enough.

256
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:28,280
[Gwen] Robin's actually like--
I think Robin's remarkably...

257
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,720
articulate about his emotions.

258
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,640
If you ask him about it.
He doesn't <i>share </i>them.

259
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,320
He's not-- I mean, neither of you
are like that. You don't just...

260
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,960
talk willingly about yourselves.

261
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,400
[Gwen] I can't tell you how good it felt

262
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,200
when I finally talked to Orlando
back in September.

263
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,200
I said to him, you know,
I'm really struggling with...

264
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,480
with Evelyn and with this memory and...

265
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,480
And to hear... To have him...

266
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,360
kind of acknowledge that and say,
you know, Gwennie,

267
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,920
I haven't even been able to say his name
for like ten years. [sobbing]

268
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:01,960
I've...

269
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,840
You know, it was just like
I opened a tiny valve,

270
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,880
and I was like, oh, my God,
we're actually talking about this.

271
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,200
And we're both saying...

272
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,680
[gulps] We've both struggled.

273
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,680
And um... [clears throat] ...that...

274
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:19,640
That felt like such huge progress already,
just to even like say his name together.

275
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,560
To acknowledge...

276
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:27,240
that we'd both struggled. And to hear
Orlando's side of it too was...

277
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,760
You know, I just kind of thought Orlando
was a complete...

278
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,160
completely emotionally stunted. [laughs]

279
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,120
I've never seen Orlando cry.

280
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,040
[sniffs]

281
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,040
-It is magical, isn't it?
-Yeah.

282
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:51,320
[sighs]

283
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,280
Nice.

284
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,920
Evil, little sister.

285
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,960
-What are you?
-She wasn't anymore risky.

286
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,200
[Harriet] After tests, they decided
it wasn't depression.

287
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,760
It was schizophrenia.

288
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,680
And that diagnosis nearly finished me off.
[weeping]

289
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,280
But it was just because,
I think, as a mom,

290
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,040
you've gone down so far with them...
[sniffs]

291
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:30,040
...and when they-- when they come up
with a diagnosis like that,

292
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:34,360
it's pretty frightening for your child
to have a diagnosis like that.

293
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:39,280
I think having a child with schizophrenia
was quite a stigma.

294
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,600
And being a single parent
was quite a stigma too.

295
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,080
And-- And so...

296
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,240
a lot of people would go,

297
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,560
"You are a single parent and...

298
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:54,320
and it's probably your fault that
Evelyn got schizophrenia."

299
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,600
-I don't think anyone thought that.
-[Harriet] Well, it makes people...

300
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,520
try and criticize you, or even try
and make-- be frightened of you.

301
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,760
But really you have no idea
that schizophrenia is--

302
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,760
When you look back, it's so frightening,
what the chemistry does.

303
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:12,920
It's frightening.

304
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,680
That one minute you're,

305
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:16,480
as a person,

306
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,080
absolutely 100% fine.

307
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,160
And gradually and gradually, you get this
deterioration of your brain.

308
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:29,720
And what it does to the brain that you,
as the individual, can't control.

309
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,400
I still feel...

310
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,240
remarkably ignorant about it,
despite what I know.

311
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,760
In many ways, often when you go through
something, and you...

312
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,400
Or you experience something
that changes your life,

313
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,520
it might then draw you to do
a lot of research about it and get--

314
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,360
You know, understand it better.

315
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,840
And I definitely went the other way
after Evelyn killed himself.

316
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:55,280
I couldn't interact with anything
to do with mental health,

317
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:58,720
anything to do with
those sorts of conditions.

318
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,600
It just-- I just didn't...

319
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,080
You know, it was too painful.

320
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,440
[Harriet] When I sometimes think
of him deeply,

321
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,320
there are six points
that come into my head

322
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,280
that I don't try and think of,
but they come towards me.

323
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:19,600
One is...

324
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,360
he used to whisper in your ear.

325
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:24,760
-Yeah, he did.
-[Gwen] Yes.

326
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,680
The other one was his giggle.

327
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,040
[Gwen] Yeah.

328
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,560
-The other were his twinkling eyes.
-[Gwen] Yeah.

329
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,720
The other one was
he had the loudest farts.

330
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,000
[Gwen] I was about to say that!

331
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,240
[laughs]

332
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,480
Mom, I can't believe
that's one of your memories. That's also--

333
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,920
I actually don't remember the loudness.
I remember

334
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,480
-the smell. [laughs]
-[Robin] The smell.

335
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,440
Yeah.

336
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,040
[laughing] It's...

337
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,320
But if you were to ask me
sort of ten things,

338
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,760
I definitely would have listed that
as one of them.

339
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:57,680
Yeah.

340
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,760
[melancholic music playing]

341
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,960
[Harriet and Gwen humming]

342
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,520
[both laugh]

343
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,560
[humming continues]

344
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,240
[Harriet sighs and chuckles]

345
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,520
-[Harriet] Woo!
-[both laugh]

346
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,560
-Novel!
-Oh, my lovely, veiled bride.

347
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,320
[both chuckle]

348
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,960
[thunder rumbling]

349
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,160
Look outside.

350
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,400
Nice.

351
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,480
Nice weather.

352
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,520
-I'd like to say this is really...
-Nice.

353
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:24,480
Nice.

354
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,360
-It's fucking--
-But you can't.

355
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:28,720
I understand.

356
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,600
[Orlando]
Mom, where were you when you found out?

357
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:45,280
[Harriet] The day he died,

358
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,360
[sniffs] Um... [clicks tongue]

359
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,880
I woke up in the morning and rushed into
his bedroom and he wasn't there.

360
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,640
And I woke Gwennie, and I said,
"Gwennie, where is he?

361
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:01,520
I’ve got this horrible suspicion
he’s not with Jack." [clicks tongue]

362
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,160
And I got in the car with her,

363
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,480
and we went looking around the streets
everywhere.

364
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,760
We couldn’t find him.

365
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,160
We couldn’t find him anywhere.

366
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,760
And Kevin had offered...

367
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,040
He said, "Oh, I can help you. I’ll help."

368
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,400
And he went down the garden,
and then he came back,

369
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,440
this was in the afternoon, with a face.

370
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:31,000
And I just saw that face, and I thought,
"Oh, my God.

371
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,320
Evelyn’s in the garden." I never looked.

372
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,400
I never looked
at the bottom of the garden.

373
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,880
And he said,
"I think we'd better ring the police."

374
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:47,400
And I was so stunned.
The police came, and I said...

375
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,960
And the police said,
"I don’t think you should go down."

376
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,240
And of course being me, Mom,
I said, "I’m going down."

377
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,360
And I went down,

378
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:04,440
and he was lying on the ground
in a bivvy bag,

379
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,160
which they were zipping up.

380
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,880
[Gwen] They're having
a really dark conversation, Robin.

381
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,040
And it's that sort of stunning moment,

382
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:14,800
you want to wake him up.

383
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,360
[Gwen] Do you wanna join in, or not?

384
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,200
Yeah. That’s how it happened.

385
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,080
And I remember him leaving the house.

386
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,560
[sniffs] Um...

387
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,640
It was about six in the evening.
Still light. September.

388
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:32,480
And then... um...

389
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:34,480
And then... uh...

390
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,800
[stuttering] He left the house, and...

391
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,840
and I thought nothing of it.

392
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,360
And then going to school the next day,

393
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:47,320
um...

394
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,880
and then getting called to the...

395
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,200
the headmaster’s office,

396
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,160
um... and told I had to go home.

397
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:01,800
I remember the drama teacher
gave me a lift home.

398
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:06,760
[sniffs]

399
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,320
And uh...

400
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,640
[voice breaking] Yeah, I saw the ambulance
and the police outside.

401
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:17,680
[exhales]

402
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,760
[thunder rumbling]

403
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,640
[Robin] So I find

404
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,200
just because, you know,
days are such a long time,

405
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,040
there’s so much to think about.

406
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,680
He invariably pops into--
I mean, maybe because I live at home.

407
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,160
There's just so many--
There’s so many pictures of him...

408
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,120
-Yeah.
-...there.

409
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,920
It sort of-- He's actually--
It feels very present.

410
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,720
[thunderclaps]

411
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,800
Yeah, so I kind of
have these dreams where...

412
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:59,040
he appears,
and it’s just, "Oh, hey. You’re back."

413
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,760
-And he’s like, "Yeah, here I am."
-Yeah.

414
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:05,320
“Where did you go?” “Oh, you know,”
and it’s this strange dialogue.

415
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,440
We’re talking, and you know...

416
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,880
-Yeah, you know this thing’s not right.
-Yes.

417
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,280
And it’s like...

418
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,800
you know, "It’s so great to see you.

419
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,240
Don’t go. Can you just like stay here?"

420
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:28,680
And...

421
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,080
I remember it’s this really strange thing.

422
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:38,400
It’s like this warmth of something
coming back.

423
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,080
It feels quite complete, and then--
You know, and then you wake up.

424
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,480
-And it’s completely severed.
-Yeah.

425
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,160
And... But...

426
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:54,040
I just... I always remember
this very repetitive dialogue of,

427
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,120
you know, like, "Don’t go."

428
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,800
-[Harriet] Yes.
-Please stay.

429
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:00,440
[Gwen] Yeah.

430
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,520
[melancholic piano music playing]

431
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,160
[Robin] I see Evelyn as like a...
as a guardian.

432
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,520
-[Orlando] Keeping an eye on you?
-[Robin] Yeah. I don’t know.

433
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:18,040
[Robin] If I had to pray,
it would be to that, rather than...

434
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:20,560
somewhere else.

435
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,680
[Harriet]
Evelyn loved this walk, didn’t he?

436
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,760
[Orlando] Every day, I’m questioning

437
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,880
whether or not this whole thing
is a good idea.

438
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,720
It’s really tough. Um...

439
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,480
It’s so much harder
than I thought this would be.

440
00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:58,000
Um...

441
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,680
I’m struggling
just to hold it all together.

442
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,080
[Orlando] Are you all right?

443
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,400
-[Gwen] All right.
-How are you, Gwennie?

444
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,120
-Fine. How are you doing?
-I'm good.

445
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,120
-Hi.
-Look at me.

446
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,800
-How was your journey?
-Hello, sweetheart.

447
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:28,720
Darling. [kisses]

448
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,480
[man] It was boring as hell.

449
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,800
Oh, why didn’t you do something
more interesting?

450
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,160
Why was it boring?

451
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,880
Because it is. Some people on the train.

452
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,200
-[woman laughs]
-[Gwen] Hi, Jo!

453
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:39,160
Hi, Gwennie! [chuckles]

454
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,000
-[Robin] The man.
-[Gwen] I like your sunglasses.

455
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,600
[man] <i>Unfortunately,</i>
<i>the marriage fell apart...</i>

456
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,200
[inhales]<i> ...when the kids were</i>
<i>still very young.</i>

457
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,800
I mean, Robin was barely born.

458
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,480
Evelyn was...

459
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,960
Eighty-eight.
Evelyn was six, and so as he grew up,

460
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:54,760
I always felt he was sort of the...

461
00:27:55,280 --> 00:28:00,000
um... the strongest link between myself
and maybe his mother.

462
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,520
And I feel I had a very similar role
in my own family.

463
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,400
[water flowing]

464
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:11,360
Evelyn was much more in touch
with being from my part of the family,

465
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:16,360
of an Einsiedel... [stuttering]
...than you or Gwennie, you know?

466
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,320
Um... Gwennie is completely,

467
00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:23,360
I think emotionally on the Duckworth side.

468
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,720
Do you want to explain
that a little bit further?

469
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,640
My strongest impression will be

470
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,840
the enormous amount of tension there was
in the air when we arrived.

471
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,600
It was crackling, and I think-- And...

472
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,400
I thought, you know,
that something will explode.

473
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,600
And I thought it would be likely
to be Gwennie and Andreas

474
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,400
because it was just electric.

475
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:49,640
No, I can’t really explain that, Gwennie.
It’s only... It’s only your... um...

476
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:51,920
The things you like in life.

477
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,080
I’m not being critical.

478
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:55,720
Uh... The-- The--

479
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:59,080
You know, you were extremely close
to your granny. Um...

480
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:03,560
You know, you’re drawn towards Scotland.
All these things. It’s quite natural.

481
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,040
And Evelyn was actually the only one who
spent a bit of time in Germany, you know.

482
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,240
Don’t forget, in his gap year, he spent...

483
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,200
I don’t know, two months,
three months in Munich.

484
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,600
He was the best German speaker of you.<i> </i>

485
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:18,600
-[Gwen] Uh...
-[scoffs]

486
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,080
At the time.

487
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,240
-I think you’re romant-- See, this is it.
-Possibly.

488
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:25,680
This is it. This is where your memory
is now romanticizing Evelyn.

489
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,160
Yeah, maybe. Was your German better?

490
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,120
I was the only one that did it
for A Level.

491
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,480
Right, okay. Well, that... Yes.

492
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,560
And-- And then also spent time there.

493
00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:37,040
-But not as much as E.
-And you always said,

494
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:39,760
"Of all my children,
you’re the best German speaker."

495
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,160
Okay. I take it back then, Gwennie.
Then it was you.

496
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,600
No. I mean, I’m not-- It’s fine.

497
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:45,120
I’m happy for Evelyn to have that medal

498
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:46,160
-because he did--
-[chuckling]

499
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:47,400
But it’s just-- I’m just--

500
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,160
I want to pull you up a little bit because
I think sometimes when people die...

501
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:52,200
Okay. Yes.

502
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,360
-We view them with qualities--
-We view them with--

503
00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,040
Qualities, you know,
which they may not have had.

504
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,440
That’s absolutely possible.

505
00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:05,320
[Johanna] Have you read any of the things
that we handed over to...

506
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,240
Orlando? You know, the paperwork?

507
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,200
-[Robin] From what?
-From E's...

508
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,520
There’s some reports from the Maudsley--

509
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:13,520
[Robin] No, I haven’t.

510
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:15,840
Now Evelyn had started to change...

511
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:17,160
[inhales]

512
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,480
...actually when he was 18.

513
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:22,400
Schizophrenia.

514
00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:26,280
It manifests itself typically in boys
in the late teens,

515
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:28,480
and I think Evelyn was no exception there.

516
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:29,640
[inhales]

517
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:34,120
We have a history in my family
of male suicide...

518
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,800
unfortunately, and, um...

519
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,840
somehow, I just felt it,
and it was my worry.

520
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:46,040
When Evelyn became ill,
it was my increasing worry

521
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,360
that this will be a likely outcome.

522
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:55,960
And everybody, the medicals,
the doctors who treated him, who saw him,

523
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,840
said this was not the case.
“He’s not suicidal.”

524
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:03,560
When Evelyn got quite ill
and was put into the Maudsley,

525
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:05,640
Bougle got ill, my mother,

526
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,040
and she had to go to be hospitalized
with depression as well.

527
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,600
So Bougle spent six months
 in that hospital,

528
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:15,560
and that overlapped with Evelyn dying.

529
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:17,640
And...

530
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,040
when I told her that,

531
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:24,600
she said to me, “I’ve spoken
to my doctor here, the consultant,

532
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:26,800
and he said to me,

533
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,560
'If your son had been in our care,
this would not have happened.’”

534
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:33,880
Right?

535
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:39,400
So, again, that was not exactly
what I wanted to hear.

536
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:40,320
Um...

537
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:41,440
Who said that?

538
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,080
[Andreas] The German doctor.

539
00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:46,160
The German psychiatrist said this would
not have happened, which of course,

540
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,400
you know,
I don’t put much credence to this, but--

541
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,040
Well, maybe you should compare
young male suicide rate

542
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:56,320
between Germany and the UK.

543
00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,600
They kill themselves there just as much.
Um...

544
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:00,760
And... um...

545
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:03,800
But I’ve come to the conclusion...

546
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,920
now that, you know,
what else can you think?

547
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,960
I’m not going to go say,
“Look, we could have avoided this

548
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,120
had he had better medical care.”

549
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:16,520
[inhales] Um... You know,
better medical care wasn’t available,

550
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:20,320
and I don’t think actually it would have
made a difference,

551
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:22,200
quite frankly.

552
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:28,960
I don’t know. But, anyway, look...

553
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:34,560
I don’t want to go there because the idea
that it could have been prevented

554
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:36,120
is just too much to bear.

555
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:38,120
[sniffs]

556
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:40,560
[bangs] No!

557
00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:42,800
[Andreas] I’m sorry! I’m not chilling out!
These are people.

558
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,080
They need to understand how to do things!

559
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:46,400
Dad, stop it.

560
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,920
Don’t criticize me
when I tell these people how to do it!

561
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,320
-I’m just saying...
-Do it properly.

562
00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:53,840
-...chill the fuck out.
-Chill out, okay.

563
00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:58,400
Jesus.

564
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:01,040
-[Gwen] Wow.
-[Andreas clears throat]

565
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,320
-Jeez.
-It's not a big deal.

566
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:07,040
I’m sorry.

567
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,840
I know you don’t like being challenged,
but sometimes--

568
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,960
-I don’t think you can behave like that.
-[Johanna] Nobody does. Nor do you.

569
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:19,120
Fine, but I’m still the one to bring it up
because it makes us all feel awful.

570
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:20,040
No!

571
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,440
We’re dealing with
really difficult material!

572
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,200
-But that’s completely separate really!
-And for you to lose your shit

573
00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:27,920
about the fact that your meal
came together is like...

574
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:29,040
Really?

575
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,320
One has nothing to do with the other.

576
00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:34,720
Separate that.

577
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,080
If you're in a restaurant,
you're not doing their job.

578
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:42,440
It’s okay.

579
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,440
-Gwennie, drop it--
-That’s all it is.

580
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:48,120
[indistinct chatter]

581
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,960
I just don’t--
Also, I’m sorry we’re not like...

582
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:04,360
like, we don’t revere you like some kind
of like respecting father figure.

583
00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:06,480
You don’t have to revere me.
I don’t want that!

584
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:09,240
-Well, then accept that in order--
-We don’t have that relationship.

585
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:11,000
-But I do, Gwen.
-Yeah, I know.

586
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,440
-I do accept it!
-Exactly, but then great.

587
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,240
-I do accept it.
-Thank you for accepting it.

588
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:18,280
No, I completely accept it.
I know I was an idiot.

589
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:21,240
You know? Sorry.

590
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,160
I don’t know why
I lose my temper like this

591
00:34:24,240 --> 00:34:26,560
on, kind of, on a nothing, you know?

592
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,240
-On a complete nothing.
-On a complete nothing, you know, but--

593
00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,480
-And in such a public space. Just--
-Yes.

594
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:37,280
But it was a combination of things,
I think.

595
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:39,600
[Andreas exhales]

596
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:45,160
[Johanna] Right or wrong, Orlando,
I feel Gwennie does hold Andreas

597
00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:51,640
quite responsible for some of Evelyn’s
situation and for other things. She's--

598
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,280
She’s furious with him a lot.

599
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:10,880
-[Gwen] Wow!
-[Orlando] Oh, wow!

600
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,320
-Nice!
-[Andreas] Wow! Look at that!

601
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:14,520
That’s pretty cool.

602
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,040
I think this is a photo op.

603
00:35:22,720 --> 00:35:24,280
-[Gwen] Water shoot.
-[Orlando] Yeah.

604
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:25,600
[Andreas] Let's turn around.

605
00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:27,920
-[Gwen] Think the boys climbed up there?
-[Andreas] Ready.

606
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:31,120
[scoffs]

607
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:35,280
[camera clicks]

608
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,720
[Gwen] Happy birthday
to our beautiful brother, Evelyn.

609
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:43,640
He would have been 35 today,

610
00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:47,440
but lost his battle with schizophrenia
and ended his own life 13 years ago.

611
00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:51,000
In some ways, it feels like an age away,
and in others, like only yesterday.

612
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,760
In his memory, Orlando, Robin and I
have been walking across the UK

613
00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,640
visiting places where we spent time
together as kids and sharing a grief

614
00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,480
that up to this point we’ve been unable
to talk about.

615
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,360
If you knew Evelyn,
you’ll remember his infectious laughter,

616
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:05,440
huge smile and all-embracing hugs.

617
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,640
We miss him so much.

618
00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:11,000
We absolutely need to keep talking about
mental illness.

619
00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:12,360
We need to fight the stigma,

620
00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:15,640
question why suicide remains the biggest
killer of young men in this country,

621
00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:18,520
and push for better care
from our mental health services.

622
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,480
[Orlando] I think it’s lovely.

623
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,440
I don’t think you need to change
a single thing.

624
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,200
I’m not asking you
to tell me to change anything.

625
00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:29,720
I just wanted to listen to it.

626
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:30,760
I wouldn't...

627
00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:32,360
[Orlando] It’s great.

628
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,080
[panting]

629
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,080
I definitely do not remember
this walk, Orlando.

630
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:40,840
You did it, though.

631
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:42,440
-Well--
-How could you not remember?

632
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,720
No. Again, it’s so beautiful,

633
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:46,880
-I think I'd remember it.
-It'll stay with me for life.

634
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,920
I’ve never been around a lake like this.

635
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,320
[birds chirping]

636
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,800
[Gwen singing]

637
00:36:58,040 --> 00:36:59,840
You know, there was...

638
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:03,880
I’ve always felt that...

639
00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:05,960
there’s three...

640
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:10,080
days and three moments,
or three days in the year...

641
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:13,160
that I’ve always dreaded,

642
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:15,320
and...

643
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:17,000
They are?

644
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:19,640
The anniversary of Evelyn’s death.

645
00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:22,160
-Yes.
-The second of September. Yeah.

646
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,760
Um... It’s not really the day,
but the moment that...

647
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,520
you give a toast on Christmas Eve...

648
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:31,520
-[Andreas inhales sharply]
-...towards E.

649
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:33,880
Not dreaded--

650
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,400
You dreaded it
because you were confronted with it.

651
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,840
-Exactly.
-You’ve been running away from it

652
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:41,160
for 17 years.

653
00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:43,880
I know, and then today is the other day.

654
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:45,720
-The birthday?
-Yeah.

655
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:46,640
[sniffs]

656
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:49,240
I don’t feel that today, though.

657
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,680
You feel you’ve actually now...
[clears throat]

658
00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:54,360
...banned the ghost - exorcised?

659
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:55,840
[stutters] I don’t know about that.

660
00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:59,560
-I didn’t wake up this morning feeling--
-On the way perhaps.

661
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:00,680
I didn’t even--

662
00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:03,320
Last night, I didn’t even think about
today being...

663
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:05,280
a tough day actually.

664
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,560
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

665
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,000
[dog barking]

666
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:11,720
[Andreas] Are we having
an ice cream break?

667
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:13,560
Evelyn would have loved that.

668
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:14,560
[ducks quacking]

669
00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,800
-[Johanna] Was he an ice cream man?
-[Andreas] I’m sure he was.

670
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:18,320
[Gwen] Do you wanna choose a single cone?

671
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,920
-A flake?
-[man] Hi. How are we doing?

672
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:22,840
Good.

673
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:24,520
What have you got, then?

674
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,200
Everything that’s on the menu
is down there.

675
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:29,000
It’s all vanilla, the ice cream.

676
00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:31,040
Silly thing.

677
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:32,320
I made a friend.

678
00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:35,000
I think we should take her with us.

679
00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:37,120
Come here, chick.

680
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,200
-[camera clicks]
-Lovely.

681
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,560
We're walking in memory of our brother...

682
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,040
-Oh, right.
-...who...

683
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:44,560
who took his own life...

684
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,120
-Oh.
-...thirteen years ago.

685
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:47,680
-Oh, wow.
-And...

686
00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:51,600
We don’t really talk about it, and we
haven’t talked about it for a long time,

687
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:56,000
but this is sort of a journey
to do that and explore.

688
00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:58,720
It’s a really, really hard one
to get over that.

689
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,440
I have personal experience myself.

690
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,760
My mother went four years ago in December.

691
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:05,480
Oh, I’m so sorry.

692
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:09,080
Yeah. No, I understand where you’re
coming from, like, really.

693
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,280
It just leaves you with no answers
or anything, you know?

694
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:17,560
It's a...

695
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:20,960
Are you guys talking about it?

696
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:24,440
Oh, yeah. Me and my sister are always
open to talk about it.

697
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:27,160
It’s not shunned away
or anything along those lines.

698
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:29,280
We're just as proud of her. You know?

699
00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:31,040
-Brilliant.
-So...

700
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:33,160
She thought nobody liked her.

701
00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:34,920
Frickin' hard, isn't it?

702
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,320
-It’s really hard.
-Yeah.

703
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,520
[indistinct chatter]

704
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:45,160
So, I went out with my sister
 last Tuesday to celebrate her life,

705
00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:46,640
and we're doing that every year.

706
00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:48,280
Last Tuesday, it was the 22nd,

707
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:50,720
-and that was the day that she went.
-Right.

708
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,400
So, we’ve decided that we're going
to do that every year.

709
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,040
-We started that last year...
-Brilliant.

710
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,040
...and that’s what we're gonna do,
celebrate her life...

711
00:39:57,760 --> 00:39:59,360
when it ended, unfortunately.

712
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,440
[chickens clucking]

713
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:03,920
-I think that’s a great idea.
-Yeah.

714
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,000
It’s just an illness, and it's...

715
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,200
Talking about it is better than anything.

716
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:11,920
-It was really nice to meet you.
-Likewise.

717
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:14,600
-[Gwen] What was your mom called?
-Amanda.

718
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:16,480
-[Gwen] Amanda.
-Our brother was called Evelyn.

719
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:18,040
Today is actually his birthday.

720
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:19,040
[man] Oh, wow.

721
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:20,520
I'm Orlando's sister. I'm Gwennie.

722
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:22,120
-Yeah.
-What’s your name?

723
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:23,600
-John.
-John.

724
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:25,200
Thanks for sharing, John.

725
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,560
But I hope all goes well for you.

726
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:28,520
Thanks, John.

727
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:30,120
Good on you guys.

728
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:32,080
-Thanks, mate.
-Take care.

729
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:33,360
Enjoy the rest of your day.

730
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:34,760
[Orlando] Cheers.

731
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:38,120
[Andreas] Orlando, amazing that you could
tell him that immediately.

732
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:39,720
You see, I had...

733
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:43,400
I would have had huge hesitation
to tell this man...

734
00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:47,720
[Gwen] Well, Orlando hesitated.
It was a hesitation when we started...

735
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:49,640
to say that.

736
00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:52,360
[Andreas] I would have said
it’s a family film and left it at that,

737
00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:53,720
but brilliant for you.

738
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,080
[Gwen] Hey, put that bowl somewhere else.

739
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,880
[Johanna humming]

740
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:06,760
[Andreas] Gwennie, I got messages today
from my family remembering Evelyn,

741
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,560
which has actually never happened.

742
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:09,800
[country music playing]

743
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:11,200
-You know?
-But that’s because--

744
00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:12,960
Do they know what you’re doing right now?

745
00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:16,360
Well, my sister does,
but my brothers don’t.

746
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:18,960
I think this is a result really.

747
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:21,800
[Johanna] Have you spoken to Beta?

748
00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:23,040
-We tried to call her.
-[Johanna] Today?

749
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:24,880
-No. I haven’t.
-[Orlando] I’m calling her now.

750
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,360
I tried about 20 minutes ago,
and she didn’t answer.

751
00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,360
-[Johanna] Try the landline then.
-[Robin] Mom?

752
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:31,480
Hi.

753
00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:32,520
How are you?

754
00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:34,360
Oh, nice.

755
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:35,880
[Orlando]
Put it on speaker so we can all hear.

756
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,040
[Robin] Mom, I’m just gonna
put you on speaker phone.

757
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:40,480
-[Orlando] We’re all here...
-[Robin laughs]

758
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:42,880
[Orlando] Dad, Jo, Gwennie, Robin.

759
00:41:43,720 --> 00:41:45,640
[Orlando] We’re phoning
to send you lots of love.

760
00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:47,280
[Robin] Mom, you’re on loud speaker.

761
00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:48,640
[Gwen] We can all hear you.

762
00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:50,080
<i>-</i>[Harriet] <i>Okay.</i>
-[Robin] Hello.

763
00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,120
<i>-I’m on loud speaker, am I?</i>
-Yes.

764
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:55,320
<i>Well, it’s been Evelyn’s day, hasn’t it?</i>

765
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:59,280
<i>Thinking of Evelyn in my mind,</i>
<i>and I said happy birthday to him,</i>

766
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,920
<i>outside Westcroft moor, and then I said,</i>

767
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:06,280
<i>“I don’t know what else I could have done</i>
<i>more for you, Evelyn.</i>

768
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:08,280
<i>I just wish you were here.”</i>

769
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:10,040
<i>And, for a minute,</i>

770
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:15,680
<i>it was like he was by the back door</i>
<i>just for one second in my head.</i>

771
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:17,880
<i>Where are you in Cumbria?</i>

772
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,880
[Orlando] We’re near Penrith,
and we’re cooking a barbecue.

773
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:23,320
We’re having a barbecue.

774
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:25,160
Its been lovely weather today.

775
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:26,440
[Harriet] <i>Is it?</i>

776
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:27,600
Yeah, and we’re...

777
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,080
We've got a table full of candles,

778
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,400
and we’ve opened some Prosecco,

779
00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:34,040
and we just toasted E, Mom.

780
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,800
[Harriet] <i>Well, listen,</i>
<i>it’s very nice to talk to you.</i>

781
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:39,200
<i>Thank you for speaking.</i>

782
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:40,360
[Robin] Thanks, Mom.

783
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:42,160
[laughs]

784
00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:44,920
<i>The gremlins are going to kill the cat!</i>

785
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:47,320
-[Andreas] I think that’s a good moment...
-[Johanna] Signing off then.

786
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:48,360
...to let you go now.

787
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,560
-[Gwen] Mama.
<i>-Love you.</i>

788
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:50,920
Love you, Mama.

789
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:52,760
-[Orlando] Bye, Mom.
-Just let her save the cats.

790
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:54,000
Mom, save the cat.

791
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,360
-Save the cat.
-[Johanna] Who’s killing the cat?

792
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:57,280
[laughs]

793
00:42:57,360 --> 00:42:59,400
[Gwen] The gremlins are trying
to kill the cat.

794
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,800
Let's cheers to Mom. Here's to Harriet.

795
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,320
-[Johanna] Absolutely.
-[Andreas] To Mom.

796
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,280
-[Johanna] Absolutely.
-Cheers.

797
00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:07,240
That was a classic sign off.

798
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:08,680
[laughs]

799
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,640
I’ve always acknowledged the enormous...

800
00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:16,600
sacrifice she made for you,
and, you know, the...

801
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,920
the incredible love she’s been able
to give to you, which is--

802
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,520
It’s fantastic, and I’ve always
acknowledged that

803
00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:25,000
and, um...

804
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:27,400
and what a wonderful mother she is,
you know.

805
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,240
It just was for us impossible
to live together,

806
00:43:31,200 --> 00:43:35,040
and, in many ways, our marriage failed.

807
00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:41,840
You know, it did not only set <i>her </i>free,
but it set <i>me </i>free as well

808
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,840
because we're just--
We were so incompatible.

809
00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:46,280
[fly buzzing]

810
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:49,680
[Orlando] Well, they didn’t speak for--
for what?

811
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:55,640
For... Since... From the age of when I was
eight to pretty much to Evelyn’s death.

812
00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:58,440
I mean, you spoke a little bit
when he was ill,

813
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:01,440
but you didn’t really speak.
You communicated with letters.

814
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:03,200
-And then--
-[Gwen] Or through us.

815
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:04,280
Or through us.

816
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:08,280
And then Evelyn dying, and then, you know,

817
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:11,200
we spent two Christmases together,
didn’t we? All of us.

818
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,200
-And then I--
-[Andreas] Yeah, we did that.

819
00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,960
That doesn’t mean we talked.
It just meant--

820
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:16,760
-[Orlando] Well, whatever.
-Things were moved

821
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,920
-onto a slightly more civilized level.
-[Orlando] Sure.

822
00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:23,320
I would then say
it's faded away a bit since then.

823
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:25,160
That’s fine.

824
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:27,920
[melancholic music playing]

825
00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:39,440
[Andreas panting]

826
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:56,080
I’m getting slowly wet from the outside
and wet from the inside.

827
00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:00,560
[panting]

828
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:03,960
-[Robin] What's happening on the inside?
-[sighs] What?

829
00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:05,840
[Gwen chuckles] What's happening
on the inside?

830
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:08,280
[Andreas and Robin laugh]

831
00:45:09,720 --> 00:45:11,120
[Gwen] He had an accident.

832
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:13,840
[Gwen chuckles]

833
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:14,880
Stop it.

834
00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:18,200
-[Gwen sniffs and chuckles]
-Give more respect, please.

835
00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:22,920
[Robin panting]

836
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:26,320
[bird hooting]

837
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:35,480
[Orlando] Who told you guys, then?

838
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:38,000
[Andreas] Beta called me.

839
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:41,080
[exhales]

840
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:43,480
[panting]

841
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:47,880
I’ll tell you tonight.

842
00:45:49,240 --> 00:45:50,120
[Gwen] No, do it now

843
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:53,320
because I think I’m not
gonna wanna revisit this later on.

844
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:54,240
You don’t.

845
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:56,960
[Gwen] Have at it. While we’re doing this,
we might as well just...

846
00:45:57,440 --> 00:45:58,640
let it all out.

847
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:00,920
Dad... I don’t know.

848
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:07,040
Well...

849
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:11,800
[panting]

850
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:18,280
I got a call from Beta about three o’clock
in the afternoon, four o’clock maybe...

851
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:20,360
[vehicle approaching]

852
00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:37,000
...and it was a call I’ve been dreading.

853
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:41,080
When I saw her number on the display,
I had a feeling.

854
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,560
I knew what it was, and I’d spoken
to Evelyn the night before.

855
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:46,680
I’d spoken to Gwennie the same morning,

856
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:49,560
and I asked Gwennie,
I asked you, "Gwennie, where’s Evelyn?”

857
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:51,920
And you said, “Oh, he’s not in his room.”

858
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,640
I said, “Where is he?”
“He’s probably with a friend.”

859
00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:56,920
You know?

860
00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:01,480
I asked her to go to his room and check,
and he wasn’t there.

861
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:04,000
And then you said,
“Oh, he’s probably with a friend.”

862
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:07,160
Anyway, I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t say "go and check the garden."

863
00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:08,440
Thank goodness.

864
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:09,800
Um...

865
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:13,960
Anyway, I got that call from Beta at
three or four o’clock in the afternoon,

866
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:15,120
and she said,

867
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:17,040
“I’ve lost my baby.”

868
00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:20,680
That’s what she said.
And I immediately thought...

869
00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:23,760
I thought about Robin... at that moment.

870
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:25,120
[chuckles] Really. [sniffs]

871
00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:28,320
Not about Evelyn,
for about a second or two,

872
00:47:29,240 --> 00:47:31,680
and then she told me everything.

873
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:34,400
It was grim. That was grim.

874
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:40,440
And I was working in somebody else’s
house,

875
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,640
so you have to pull yourself
together somehow.

876
00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:47,520
Thank goodness Jo was there and, um...

877
00:47:48,720 --> 00:47:52,000
So I went outside in the garden
and cried for half an hour.

878
00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:55,720
I think I spoke to Beta. I spoke to you
as well again during that time.

879
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:57,760
-I don't remember that.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

880
00:47:58,200 --> 00:47:59,360
And then...

881
00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:03,520
Um... I just went back to work,

882
00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:08,280
and I finished what I had to do.

883
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:11,640
Also so grateful that I could do that.

884
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:14,200
[melancholic piano music playing]

885
00:48:17,240 --> 00:48:19,240
[thunder rumbling]

886
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:31,560
Gwennie, Robin, Gwennie.

887
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:33,120
[camera clicks]

888
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:35,320
[Andreas]
It is absolutely gorgeous, isn’t it?

889
00:48:44,240 --> 00:48:46,360
[Orlando] It’s the legacy of what happened

890
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:49,360
and how all of our relationships
have been fractured.

891
00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:54,320
His presence has such an influence
on how my family interacts.

892
00:48:55,240 --> 00:49:00,680
And if one part of this walk is that we
 change our relationship with our brother,

893
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:04,440
that would obviously be great,
but as a secondary thing,

894
00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:09,360
if we can mend some of the wounds
in our own relationships,

895
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:11,760
that would be fantastic.

896
00:49:13,360 --> 00:49:15,360
[wind blowing]

897
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:26,840
[raindrops]

898
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:29,600
[Orlando] Here’s the thing, right.

899
00:49:30,720 --> 00:49:34,640
I spent 13 years not thinking about E.

900
00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:35,560
[man] Mm-hmm.

901
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,800
And I’ve forgotten-- It’s horrible,

902
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:41,600
and I’ve forgotten so many stories
and so many... things.

903
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:43,400
Um...

904
00:49:45,240 --> 00:49:47,320
So it’s kind of wonderful just to listen.

905
00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:49,040
How do you not think about it?

906
00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:51,400
[stutters] I mean,
I’m not challenging you.

907
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:53,200
Leon, how long have we known each other,

908
00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:55,400
and how often have we
spoken about E together?

909
00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:56,360
Oh...

910
00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:58,920
I would say I tried. [chuckles]
I tried and...

911
00:50:00,240 --> 00:50:02,360
your-- your reaction was like...

912
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:06,760
I don’t know. Almost like how you
ask your parent something,

913
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:09,120
and you know you shouldn’t be asking it.
They're like, "No.

914
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:11,200
Enough of that, okay?"

915
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:14,200
I'm not going to say that ever again.
[chuckles]

916
00:50:15,720 --> 00:50:17,040
[Leon] Evelyn was my best friend.

917
00:50:17,720 --> 00:50:19,360
Evelyn was my little brother.

918
00:50:20,240 --> 00:50:21,080
Um...

919
00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:26,440
And Evelyn, he was my comrade.

920
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:28,680
-Hi.
-[woman] Welcome to (inaudible)...

921
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:30,240
Thank you very much.

922
00:50:30,320 --> 00:50:31,240
It’s lovely.

923
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:32,320
[chuckling]

924
00:50:32,640 --> 00:50:33,720
How are you doing?

925
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:35,240
Fine.

926
00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:36,920
Are you taking photographs?

927
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:38,880
-We’re walking.
-Are you?

928
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:42,600
Yeah, from... Well, we started
 just outside Aviemore,

929
00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:44,200
-in memory of our--
-Just a wee stroll, then.

930
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:45,560
-Just a stroll.
-Yeah.

931
00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:47,440
-[woman laughs]
-Just a gentle stroll.

932
00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:49,320
-In all our gear.
-In memory of what?

933
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:52,600
Yeah. We’re doing it
in memory of our brother.

934
00:50:52,680 --> 00:50:53,920
Uh-huh. Wow.

935
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:57,360
We haven’t-- Its been almost 13 years,

936
00:50:57,440 --> 00:51:01,200
and we realized that none of us
really talked about what happened, so...

937
00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:02,560
Our brother...

938
00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:04,840
Those are his two best friends.

939
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:06,920
-He took his own life.
-[woman 2] Oh.

940
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:09,680
[woman 1] Oh. Well, that’s
a brilliant thing to do for him.

941
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:11,240
[woman 2] Yeah. Yeah.

942
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:14,920
-Our dad passed away.
-We’re quite sad. Our dad just died.

943
00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:15,840
-Today!
-Today!

944
00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:17,840
We couldn't bear to be there,
so we came out.

945
00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:19,480
-Oh, I’m sorry.
-I’m sorry.

946
00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:22,280
But he was 92, so it’s different.

947
00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:24,000
-Yeah.
-Still...

948
00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:25,760
I wanna climb up Benlevy for him.

949
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:27,640
-[woman 2] This one.
-[Orlando] The one in the mist?

950
00:51:27,720 --> 00:51:29,280
[woman 1] There’s a bottle of whiskey
at the top.

951
00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:32,640
My dad used to go up
to the mountain rescue.

952
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:35,760
And he knows someone from it,
so he used to go up.

953
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:39,800
One time he went up, anyway, and he found
the whiskey and had a little bup.

954
00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:42,040
-Behind a bush.
-It's a hidden whiskey.

955
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:45,280
-We should head up there as well.
-We should go and look for the bottle.

956
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:46,680
-It's very well hidden.
-Very.

957
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:48,120
Give me the coordinates.

958
00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:51,360
-Here’s to your father.
-You guys, too.

959
00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:52,880
To your brother. Yeah.

960
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:54,640
-What was his name?
-Evelyn.

961
00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:56,640
-Okay, here’s to Evelyn.
-Thank you.

962
00:52:01,040 --> 00:52:01,880
[Robin] Say cheese!

963
00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,880
-Cheese!
-Cheese!

964
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,840
A lot of time I spent
when I was like 13 or 14 was when...

965
00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:17,360
after my Dad committed suicide,

966
00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:20,480
so I spent a lot of time
in the sort of family with them and...

967
00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:24,680
became a second home,
really, I guess, in that sense.

968
00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:29,360
So, I wasn’t sure if it was half speaking
about that or half asking of how...

969
00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:33,640
Because I think them as a family has
really sort of helped me

970
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:35,000
and a real sort of...

971
00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:38,520
just sort of a way
to get away from what’s going on.

972
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,600
[melancholic piano music playing]

973
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:07,440
Yeah!

974
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:10,160
Woo!

975
00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:12,960
Woo! Uh!

976
00:53:13,520 --> 00:53:14,920
[chuckles]

977
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:20,880
[Orlando] Is Gwennie still asleep?

978
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:22,480
Mm-hmm.

979
00:53:22,560 --> 00:53:23,520
[Orlando] Is she okay?

980
00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:24,440
Mm-hmm.

981
00:53:26,640 --> 00:53:29,000
-[Robin] But we found something out.
-[Orlando] What?

982
00:53:29,800 --> 00:53:32,080
You were sleeping on about three...
[laughing]

983
00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:36,080
Sleeping on about three sleeping bags
and two mats,

984
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:40,680
and you left me and Gwennie
to sleep on these dodgy, little yoga mats.

985
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:41,840
[all laugh]

986
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:46,200
It was like-- He was like a prince
in that tent. A little prince.

987
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:47,120
[sniffs]

988
00:53:51,680 --> 00:53:53,600
-[Leon] We need to get you too.
-[camera clicks]

989
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:56,000
[Orlando] There's already plenty of me.

990
00:53:57,440 --> 00:53:58,360
Not in here.

991
00:53:58,840 --> 00:53:59,960
You can never have too much.

992
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:01,800
[Orlando] This way,
I get to hide behind the camera...

993
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:04,920
-No, that's not the point. No.
-...and ask the questions. [laughs]

994
00:54:08,720 --> 00:54:10,280
[Leon] How are you coping so far?

995
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:24,520
I want you to tell me some memories today
that make me laugh.

996
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,120
I wanna hear funny things, Leon.

997
00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:29,240
I've got loads of those.
Don't worry about that.

998
00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:30,160
[chuckles]

999
00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:33,240
[Orlando]
Some happy ones when things were better.

1000
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:34,640
[kids laughing]

1001
00:54:34,720 --> 00:54:36,720
[gentle music playing]

1002
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:46,040
[clicks tongue twice]

1003
00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:49,000
Nice walk. Didn’t see anything.

1004
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:50,880
[sniffs] Nice and windy.

1005
00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:55,000
It's good. I feel good.

1006
00:54:57,040 --> 00:54:57,880
[exhales]

1007
00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:00,760
[laughs]

1008
00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:05,880
[man] <i>Give us a smile, man, and then go.</i>

1009
00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:15,280
[friends cheering] Yeah!

1010
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:17,400
[Gwen] <i>It's the epitome of cool.</i>

1011
00:55:18,200 --> 00:55:20,640
You know, you guys going off
and skating at South Bank.

1012
00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:23,640
And that’s why I started rollerblading.
I wanted to-- [chuckles]

1013
00:55:23,720 --> 00:55:26,360
-Wanted to keep up.
-Wanted to be able to join in

1014
00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:31,160
and hang out at the South Bank
with the cool boys.

1015
00:55:33,800 --> 00:55:36,360
You know, I was always
really competitive with E.

1016
00:55:36,440 --> 00:55:38,160
[Jack] Yeah, I remember.

1017
00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:40,680
-Skateboarding was the one thing I just--
-[Jack] You couldn’t keep up.

1018
00:55:40,760 --> 00:55:42,160
I could never keep up with him on.

1019
00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:45,440
You got that silly board
with the feet straps on, didn't you?

1020
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:49,600
-[Orlando] Oh, wow!
-[Gwen] Oh, this is like...

1021
00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:52,800
Payoff is quick for this one, isn’t it?

1022
00:55:54,960 --> 00:55:56,520
[Jack] Guys. [whistles]

1023
00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:58,160
[camera clicks]

1024
00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:02,320
-[Orlando] Why is he striding ahead?
-[Jack] I'm not sure.

1025
00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:03,240
[sniffs]

1026
00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:06,840
-Do you talk much about your dad, Jack?
-[sighs] Ah...

1027
00:56:07,840 --> 00:56:09,040
[huffs] At times.

1028
00:56:09,800 --> 00:56:12,160
More than happy to sort of
talk about it and stuff. I never...

1029
00:56:13,160 --> 00:56:15,520
bring it to the table,
but if someone asks,

1030
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,600
then I’d happily sort of chat and stuff.

1031
00:56:17,680 --> 00:56:20,560
I’ve done it before when I've spoken,
where I’ve said stuff

1032
00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:23,240
and sometimes it completely throws people.
You know what I mean?

1033
00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:26,680
I guess I'm almost feeling bad for them.

1034
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:29,680
I don't want to make people feel
uncomfortable sometimes

1035
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:31,120
in situations and stuff.

1036
00:56:31,200 --> 00:56:34,520
-That’s exactly how I've often felt.
-Yeah.

1037
00:56:35,960 --> 00:56:38,840
There's a lot of stuff that I've buried
for years.

1038
00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:40,600
Maybe not really even properly...

1039
00:56:42,240 --> 00:56:43,880
really thought about them

1040
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:46,680
or sort of finalizing that sort of stuff.

1041
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:50,920
I don't think you will ever really
finalize a sort of thing like this.

1042
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:55,840
I think you just grow to understand
bits more, or just grow to sort of like...

1043
00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:57,880
Just...

1044
00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:04,360
-I know. You’re right. There’s never--
-[Jack] There’s no real finality to it.

1045
00:57:04,440 --> 00:57:09,760
I think you just grow to sort of live with
it and deal with it and sort of let it be.

1046
00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:14,320
I think we all felt particularly...

1047
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:16,760
sorry for you.

1048
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:23,200
[huffs]

1049
00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:28,000
Sorry is the wrong word, Jack.
I don’t know, but...

1050
00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:34,520
It’s bad enough to have to deal with
these things once, right?

1051
00:57:34,600 --> 00:57:35,680
[chuckles]

1052
00:57:48,880 --> 00:57:49,760
[fly buzzing]

1053
00:57:51,600 --> 00:57:55,280
Isn't it crazy that we had an anniversary
at ten years,

1054
00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:59,680
and yet still it was like it’s ten years,
we should mark--

1055
00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:01,520
-We should do something.
-We should mark this,

1056
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:03,960
but yet none of us talked about it still.

1057
00:58:04,760 --> 00:58:05,680
[Orlando sighs]

1058
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:12,440
-There comes a time--
-[Robin] We did a-- There was a marking.

1059
00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:14,440
[Gwen] Yeah, there was a marking.

1060
00:58:14,520 --> 00:58:16,240
I think you're taking a liberty, you know.

1061
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:18,440
Why?

1062
00:58:18,520 --> 00:58:20,200
Because you’re doing what you do,

1063
00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:24,520
and you’re asking the questions,
so you don’t have to talk.

1064
00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:26,080
Now, you have to talk.

1065
00:58:26,760 --> 00:58:27,600
[panting]

1066
00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:29,280
Am I wrong?

1067
00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:32,280
I was listening to you behind me.
[chuckles]

1068
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:33,680
I was listening to you.

1069
00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:34,720
[fly buzzing]

1070
00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:38,080
[Leon] I've probably spent more time
with Orlando than most other people,

1071
00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:40,200
and, you know,

1072
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:43,240
I can always see when he’s trying to hide.

1073
00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:46,880
He’s trying to hide behind
asking questions and stuff.

1074
00:58:47,640 --> 00:58:48,840
And it kind of amuses me.

1075
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:52,280
Like, do you actually think I can’t see
what you’re trying to do?

1076
00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:55,600
I was just letting him do it
most of the time until this...

1077
00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:57,000
until now because...

1078
00:58:58,240 --> 00:59:00,560
I was like, you asked for this, so...

1079
00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,960
-[Leon] I feel almost...
-[water flowing]

1080
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:06,920
How can you feel you have
the right to tell other people’s stories

1081
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:11,480
and go so deep into their pain,

1082
00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:13,320
but...

1083
00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:16,480
Almost kind of refusing to do it.

1084
00:59:16,560 --> 00:59:20,800
-I mean, you’re not refusing now.
-Who am I going to talk to?

1085
00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:26,560
I mean... No, because... No.
I’m serious about that. I mean...

1086
00:59:26,640 --> 00:59:27,880
[birds screeching]

1087
00:59:27,960 --> 00:59:31,840
My brother and sister didn’t wanna deal
with this at all, just like me,

1088
00:59:31,920 --> 00:59:33,560
so I don’t talk to them.

1089
00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:35,880
And-- I--

1090
00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,040
I don’t know. You know...
[stutters] I know how much...

1091
00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:42,560
I don’t know. I didn't wanna ever
get into it with my mom and dad.

1092
00:59:45,560 --> 00:59:48,160
I don’t know. You know,
sometimes it feels like such a burden

1093
00:59:48,240 --> 00:59:50,120
to even put on someone else anyway.

1094
00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:53,440
Yeah, but when a burden’s shared...

1095
00:59:55,920 --> 00:59:57,560
Yeah, but then, Leon,

1096
00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:00,200
it’s like opening up a box.

1097
01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:05,880
Life’s hard anyway. We all know that.

1098
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:08,400
-I know, but--
-And if you can...

1099
01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:09,880
I mean, you know--

1100
01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:12,880
Yeah, I’m aware that--
I always thought at some point...

1101
01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:16,920
everything would come back out again.

1102
01:00:17,920 --> 01:00:20,400
-So, you met in an unplanned way, right?
-Yeah.

1103
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:23,280
-[Leon] We come from other places.
-Until that day.

1104
01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:27,880
You, like, come from, like,
super privilege.

1105
01:00:27,960 --> 01:00:29,160
-And--
-Sure.

1106
01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:31,240
Obviously, that doesn’t--

1107
01:00:31,680 --> 01:00:34,600
I mean, everyone’s pain experiences
are relative, but...

1108
01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:38,800
the people that you’ve told stories about,

1109
01:00:39,320 --> 01:00:41,040
they were on the far end of the...

1110
01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:43,520
the opposite end of the scale.

1111
01:00:43,600 --> 01:00:45,520
And, like you say, life is hard.

1112
01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:50,240
That's hard for them,
but you still dig and tell their story.

1113
01:00:54,200 --> 01:00:56,240
I think their options are...

1114
01:00:57,560 --> 01:01:00,600
They have a lot less options than you.

1115
01:01:01,040 --> 01:01:01,960
[panting]

1116
01:01:03,040 --> 01:01:04,680
I think from what I know of you,

1117
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:07,720
because you’re someone
who just gets on with things.

1118
01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:09,760
And it's a...

1119
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:11,640
I guess a touch of that...

1120
01:01:13,120 --> 01:01:14,360
stiff upper lip,

1121
01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:17,800
man up, puff your chest out
and just get on with it,

1122
01:01:18,320 --> 01:01:20,360
but that’s kind of a...

1123
01:01:21,760 --> 01:01:22,880
outdated view of...

1124
01:01:24,320 --> 01:01:25,720
masculinity, I guess.

1125
01:01:26,120 --> 01:01:27,320
And...

1126
01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:30,160
to see someone like you,

1127
01:01:30,680 --> 01:01:33,880
as successful as you are,
being open and vulnerable,

1128
01:01:35,000 --> 01:01:37,640
that might make all the difference
to someone watching this...

1129
01:01:38,360 --> 01:01:41,640
who hasn’t felt able to talk to anyone
about how they’re feeling

1130
01:01:41,720 --> 01:01:44,840
because, you know,
for fear of being seen as weak.

1131
01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:48,640
[birds screeching]

1132
01:01:48,720 --> 01:01:50,720
[indistinct chatter]

1133
01:01:51,480 --> 01:01:53,480
[Orlando] You know, I’m not scared
about feeling weak

1134
01:01:53,560 --> 01:01:55,080
in front of anyone, other than...

1135
01:01:56,440 --> 01:01:57,560
my brother and sister.

1136
01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:03,920
I don’t care if you think I'm weak.

1137
01:02:04,000 --> 01:02:06,320
[Leon] I don’t think you’re weak.
I don’t think you’re weak at all.

1138
01:02:06,440 --> 01:02:07,800
But I’m not-- That’s not...

1139
01:02:09,760 --> 01:02:12,120
That’s not the--
That's not my issue.

1140
01:02:14,520 --> 01:02:18,120
I don’t think they’d see it as weakness.
I think they’d see it as a shared emotion.

1141
01:02:18,200 --> 01:02:20,040
They’re not alone in feeling that way.

1142
01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:23,840
If big brother feels that way,
maybe it’s okay for me to feel that way.

1143
01:02:26,320 --> 01:02:30,080
Yeah. I mean, listen, logically,
I totally agree with you. It’s just...

1144
01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:36,240
Every part of my body, even having
this conversation with you, is so tense.

1145
01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:38,480
When this is over,

1146
01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:41,040
you know, like the way you thought
Gwennie would regret it

1147
01:02:41,120 --> 01:02:42,800
if she hadn’t come and slept in the tent.

1148
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:45,280
You’re gonna kick yourself.

1149
01:02:46,520 --> 01:02:49,120
And how I think you’re going to feel
if you don’t...

1150
01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:52,960
open up completely.
How are you going to feel later on?

1151
01:02:56,040 --> 01:02:59,360
Because later on, everyone’s going
to go back to their lives

1152
01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:00,360
and do what they do.

1153
01:03:00,440 --> 01:03:02,640
I don’t even know
what opening up completely is.

1154
01:03:03,120 --> 01:03:04,760
You’re saying that to me.

1155
01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:08,920
I’m trying to talk about this, and...

1156
01:03:10,840 --> 01:03:13,560
What does that even look like
from your point of view?

1157
01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:14,960
Like, what would I even say?

1158
01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:18,160
Don’t pick your words so carefully. Just
speak and whatever comes out, comes out.

1159
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:22,200
That’s my whole point.
It’s just life is meant to be a struggle.

1160
01:03:24,400 --> 01:03:26,920
It’s almost like, because it's hard,
I'd rather not do it.

1161
01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:30,360
Because it's hard is more reason to do it.

1162
01:03:31,120 --> 01:03:33,080
Then it becomes easier and easier.

1163
01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:37,680
It is becoming easier.

1164
01:03:38,600 --> 01:03:39,600
A little bit.

1165
01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:41,600
[sniffs]

1166
01:03:41,680 --> 01:03:43,240
A little bit each day.

1167
01:03:47,280 --> 01:03:50,840
But I can’t-- You know, I can’t fight
the pit in my stomach every day that...

1168
01:03:51,520 --> 01:03:54,600
I know we’re going to have this
conversation or a conversation like this.

1169
01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:55,800
But that’s my point.

1170
01:03:55,880 --> 01:03:58,200
-Why do you have to fight it?
-I can't-- But that's...

1171
01:03:58,280 --> 01:04:00,360
It’s not fighting it. It's-- It's...

1172
01:04:01,600 --> 01:04:03,040
It’s so draining.

1173
01:04:07,680 --> 01:04:10,520
When he was here, he was here. He existed.

1174
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:14,320
[Leon] If we’re just burying
these feelings,

1175
01:04:14,400 --> 01:04:16,600
you know,
we're just kind of forgetting them

1176
01:04:16,680 --> 01:04:20,080
and not acknowledging those feelings
that we had,

1177
01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:22,800
the feelings we still have for him.

1178
01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:24,880
[melancholic violin music playing]

1179
01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:43,840
-What happens if none of us stick around?
-[Orlando sniffs]

1180
01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:46,680
[crying]

1181
01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:12,400
[Orlando] Oh, my God.
I’m trying not to hate this.

1182
01:05:19,440 --> 01:05:21,080
I've got so much...

1183
01:05:23,160 --> 01:05:25,840
agony just built up from so long.

1184
01:05:34,480 --> 01:05:35,320
[sniffs]

1185
01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:36,760
[man] Is that the sea over there?

1186
01:05:37,400 --> 01:05:39,480
Yeah, maybe like out,
beyond through there.

1187
01:05:39,560 --> 01:05:40,880
[man] On that cliff?

1188
01:05:41,640 --> 01:05:42,480
[clears throat]

1189
01:05:47,360 --> 01:05:48,200
[Gwen grunts]

1190
01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:50,480
-Should we get to the top?
-This is bloody nice, isn’t it?

1191
01:05:50,560 --> 01:05:52,400
To sit still
and not be attacked by midges.

1192
01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:06,040
Because he used to tell me everything,
I felt maybe...

1193
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:08,760
I'd missed something.

1194
01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:11,480
Maybe he had tried to tell me something,
and I'd missed it.

1195
01:06:12,440 --> 01:06:13,640
Um... [clicks tongue]

1196
01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:15,440
And I remember he had...

1197
01:06:17,600 --> 01:06:19,680
Maybe about a week before he did it,

1198
01:06:21,840 --> 01:06:24,200
he had tried to phone me,
and I missed the call.

1199
01:06:24,640 --> 01:06:28,200
And he left a voicemail and said
he’d call back later.

1200
01:06:28,280 --> 01:06:31,720
And I remember, I think it was
 the first mobile phone I had,

1201
01:06:31,800 --> 01:06:33,600
and I didn’t even really know
how to use it.

1202
01:06:34,520 --> 01:06:36,120
And... um...

1203
01:06:38,200 --> 01:06:40,800
I didn’t listen to the voicemail
until after he had died,

1204
01:06:42,880 --> 01:06:45,200
and I’ve always felt that...

1205
01:06:46,040 --> 01:06:50,120
that is the conversation where he wanted
to talk to me about how he was feeling.

1206
01:06:50,200 --> 01:06:52,320
If we’d had that conversation, that, um...

1207
01:06:54,720 --> 01:06:57,760
maybe I could’ve said something
that would’ve meant he didn’t do that.

1208
01:07:02,200 --> 01:07:04,200
[wind gusting]

1209
01:07:08,520 --> 01:07:09,880
[Orlando] Come sit here in the gap.

1210
01:07:30,240 --> 01:07:33,000
[Gwen] Orlando wasn’t there.
Orlando didn’t see that.

1211
01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:35,480
[Leon] The last,

1212
01:07:36,480 --> 01:07:38,120
what, 13 years,

1213
01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:43,640
he was cool, and it was just unexpected,
as much as I knew of it.

1214
01:07:44,160 --> 01:07:46,480
That was my thought on it.

1215
01:07:47,880 --> 01:07:50,320
And it’s really interesting
listening to you guys,

1216
01:07:50,400 --> 01:07:53,480
or, like, you talk about E
in his school days

1217
01:07:53,560 --> 01:07:55,000
and, like, hanging out.

1218
01:07:57,880 --> 01:08:00,120
He was like-- E was like you.

1219
01:08:00,480 --> 01:08:02,200
He used to laugh a lot.

1220
01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:05,440
It was only kind of around exam time...

1221
01:08:06,120 --> 01:08:08,160
where he would kind of get anxious,
and then...

1222
01:08:08,680 --> 01:08:10,560
Even the times when he felt anxious,

1223
01:08:10,640 --> 01:08:13,880
it was very easy to kind of make him laugh
and stuff again.

1224
01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:16,400
It wouldn’t last long at all.

1225
01:08:17,000 --> 01:08:18,160
It's like in--

1226
01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:21,160
Whatever was upsetting him,
if he was telling me about it,

1227
01:08:21,240 --> 01:08:24,000
he would talk about it as if he’s never
going to get past it.

1228
01:08:24,080 --> 01:08:25,640
He was so upset about it.

1229
01:08:25,720 --> 01:08:28,920
And literally a minute later,
he’s forgotten.

1230
01:08:29,000 --> 01:08:32,360
He’s wetting himself with laughter
 and that thing’s forgotten completely.

1231
01:08:33,040 --> 01:08:34,160
[Gwen chuckles softly]

1232
01:08:38,720 --> 01:08:41,120
[Leon] There’s lots of memories I have,
but there’s no dialogue.

1233
01:08:41,200 --> 01:08:44,000
It’s just him laughing at whatever
was happening. Just laughing.

1234
01:08:44,080 --> 01:08:45,040
Exactly.

1235
01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:48,480
[Leon] Like lighting his farts
and setting his ass on fire and stuff.

1236
01:08:48,560 --> 01:08:49,400
[laughs]

1237
01:08:50,440 --> 01:08:51,560
[Gwen] That’s lovely.

1238
01:08:51,960 --> 01:08:53,680
What? Shitting his pants? [chuckles]

1239
01:08:53,760 --> 01:08:55,160
No, that like...

1240
01:08:58,280 --> 01:09:00,120
It’s really lovely that you have those.

1241
01:09:00,200 --> 01:09:02,600
-Those details.
-You have those memories of him.

1242
01:09:03,880 --> 01:09:06,360
Of him laughing and like--
And you didn't...

1243
01:09:07,720 --> 01:09:09,880
You're not caught in a kind of like...

1244
01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:13,040
broken record,

1245
01:09:13,720 --> 01:09:18,000
soundtrack of, like,
the last few months of his life.

1246
01:09:18,080 --> 01:09:19,280
[Leon] No, because...

1247
01:09:21,080 --> 01:09:24,720
[stutters] The lasting... strongest...

1248
01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:30,160
image in my head of him was when I saw
him when you had brought him home.

1249
01:09:30,880 --> 01:09:31,720
Um...

1250
01:09:32,760 --> 01:09:35,280
And I kind of wish I hadn’t seen him.
But then,

1251
01:09:35,360 --> 01:09:37,960
at the same time, I’m glad I did, but...

1252
01:09:38,480 --> 01:09:42,520
Then I have so many dreams about--
so many really vivid dreams about him.

1253
01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:53,120
I don’t know.
Even though I know they weren’t real,

1254
01:09:54,840 --> 01:09:56,280
they kind of feel real.

1255
01:10:03,240 --> 01:10:05,240
[deep breath]

1256
01:10:05,920 --> 01:10:07,920
[Jack whispering] Mate, I can't do this.

1257
01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:10,360
[huffs]

1258
01:10:10,440 --> 01:10:12,680
-[Jack] Aw, fuck.
-Yeah, it's like...

1259
01:10:14,800 --> 01:10:18,800
It's like a song I kind of like
but I've heard it too much.

1260
01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:20,560
I don’t wanna hear it anymore.

1261
01:10:22,520 --> 01:10:23,960
It's good for us to hear.

1262
01:10:25,800 --> 01:10:28,360
[Gwen] Yeah, they're good thoughts
to hear. Exactly.

1263
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:36,600
-It’s nice to hear him remembered...
-[Jack] Fuck this, man.

1264
01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:38,120
...with this much laughter.

1265
01:10:40,040 --> 01:10:41,960
Like the filthy humor. [chuckles]

1266
01:10:42,600 --> 01:10:45,200
[Leon] Yeah. The "what ifs"
are killing me.

1267
01:10:45,280 --> 01:10:47,200
-The "what ifs."
-Yeah, but that’s like...

1268
01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:51,640
[Gwen] Yeah. Oh, I don't know.

1269
01:10:58,000 --> 01:11:00,360
[Leon] I thought I'd kind of
put all these feelings to bed.

1270
01:11:00,440 --> 01:11:01,280
I just...

1271
01:11:03,080 --> 01:11:04,320
I just wanna...

1272
01:11:04,400 --> 01:11:07,000
-keep--
-[Gwen] But you are. You have been.

1273
01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:11,200
[sniffs]

1274
01:11:18,760 --> 01:11:19,760
[sniffs]

1275
01:12:16,560 --> 01:12:17,600
[wind gusting]

1276
01:12:23,880 --> 01:12:25,880
[gentle piano music playing]

1277
01:12:34,960 --> 01:12:36,960
[birds screeching]

1278
01:12:53,280 --> 01:12:55,320
[Gwen] I don’t remember
when we were here last.

1279
01:12:55,880 --> 01:12:58,040
[Orlando] I don’t know.
Fifteen years ago, probably?

1280
01:13:07,680 --> 01:13:08,640
[car door closes]

1281
01:13:17,360 --> 01:13:18,440
[Orlando] What’s wrong?

1282
01:13:23,240 --> 01:13:24,560
[clears throat]

1283
01:13:27,120 --> 01:13:28,560
I don’t feel very good.

1284
01:13:33,640 --> 01:13:34,800
Why not?

1285
01:13:34,880 --> 01:13:35,720
[sniffs]

1286
01:13:38,000 --> 01:13:40,800
I just don’t. I’m tired. I've had enough.

1287
01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:43,240
I don’t think this is a...

1288
01:13:43,920 --> 01:13:45,120
I don't think this is--

1289
01:13:45,200 --> 01:13:47,520
This is a catalyst for something else.

1290
01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:49,360
Obviously, I threw this at her.

1291
01:13:50,800 --> 01:13:52,720
Even if it was accidental, it’s not...

1292
01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:56,640
Like, it’s just sort of like--
Just be more aware of like--

1293
01:13:56,720 --> 01:13:59,360
Just be more aware of people, Robin.

1294
01:14:04,320 --> 01:14:06,680
[Orlando] Why did you throw it in her face
in the first place?

1295
01:14:06,760 --> 01:14:08,560
Orlando, don’t have this tone with me.

1296
01:14:08,640 --> 01:14:12,640
It's like-- You can’t come in
and wade in and be dictatorial.

1297
01:14:13,120 --> 01:14:14,920
-Didn’t throw it in her face.
-[Orlando] I was just asking.

1298
01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,320
I threw it at her.
I didn’t know she was slouching.

1299
01:14:19,280 --> 01:14:24,200
I don’t feel lighter.
I don’t feel like I’m exorcising stuff.

1300
01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:27,400
I actually just feel like all it’s doing
 is bringing lots of very painful

1301
01:14:27,480 --> 01:14:29,320
and traumatic things back...

1302
01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:33,400
[stutters]
...that I can’t now make go away.

1303
01:14:33,480 --> 01:14:34,320
[sniffs]

1304
01:14:39,320 --> 01:14:43,080
You know, stuff like I've had to spent
a long time trying to forget,

1305
01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:45,680
and now I’m just like--

1306
01:14:45,760 --> 01:14:47,200
It’s not getting any easier.

1307
01:14:53,560 --> 01:14:54,400
[gulps]

1308
01:14:54,480 --> 01:14:55,840
[Orlando] Like what?

1309
01:14:56,600 --> 01:14:57,440
Lots of things.

1310
01:14:57,520 --> 01:14:59,680
There’s, like, things that I’m plagued by.

1311
01:14:59,760 --> 01:15:02,440
You know, like, images
and, like, thoughts.

1312
01:15:09,280 --> 01:15:10,120
[sniffs]

1313
01:15:15,960 --> 01:15:18,080
And just because we’re talking,
it doesn’t--

1314
01:15:18,160 --> 01:15:19,640
It’s not really...

1315
01:15:21,640 --> 01:15:24,760
It’s not getting less painful
or less traumatic.

1316
01:15:29,520 --> 01:15:32,440
[Orlando] I don’t--
I mean, I can tell you how I feel on that.

1317
01:15:32,520 --> 01:15:36,680
I don’t feel that it’s any less traumatic
talking about...

1318
01:15:37,560 --> 01:15:40,440
parts of Evelyn’s life and the bad parts.

1319
01:15:41,600 --> 01:15:45,080
But it does become a lot easier
to talk about him and think about him.

1320
01:15:47,160 --> 01:15:48,040
Yeah.

1321
01:15:48,920 --> 01:15:49,760
Maybe.

1322
01:15:52,240 --> 01:15:53,960
Come on. I’m sorry about that.

1323
01:15:54,040 --> 01:15:56,840
I felt instant guilt
as soon as I threw it.

1324
01:15:58,440 --> 01:15:59,600
Come on. [pats leg]

1325
01:15:59,680 --> 01:16:01,080
Have a little dip.

1326
01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:02,280
It'll be all right.

1327
01:16:04,120 --> 01:16:05,200
[screams]

1328
01:16:06,840 --> 01:16:08,200
Woo! Woo!

1329
01:16:08,280 --> 01:16:09,400
Woo hoo!

1330
01:16:10,640 --> 01:16:11,800
Come on!

1331
01:16:11,880 --> 01:16:12,880
Is it good?

1332
01:16:12,960 --> 01:16:14,240
It's freezing!

1333
01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:15,320
Jump!

1334
01:16:15,880 --> 01:16:18,440
-Move out of the way!
-Jump! Go!

1335
01:16:18,520 --> 01:16:20,240
Jump! Jump!

1336
01:16:20,640 --> 01:16:21,560
Woo!

1337
01:16:21,640 --> 01:16:22,800
[Orlando laughs]

1338
01:16:23,200 --> 01:16:25,040
[Robin whoops]

1339
01:16:25,720 --> 01:16:27,720
[melancholic music playing]

1340
01:16:31,880 --> 01:16:32,720
[Robin] Woo hoo!

1341
01:16:33,160 --> 01:16:34,800
-Here.
-Nah!

1342
01:16:34,880 --> 01:16:36,600
-[shouting] Stop moving!
-[Orlando] Jump!

1343
01:16:36,680 --> 01:16:38,040
I hate you both!

1344
01:16:40,760 --> 01:16:42,880
-[Orlando] Jump!
-All right! Stop it!

1345
01:16:43,840 --> 01:16:44,760
Woo!

1346
01:16:44,840 --> 01:16:46,600
-Can I go?
-Yeah, just go.

1347
01:16:47,600 --> 01:16:49,600
[music turns up]

1348
01:17:02,120 --> 01:17:04,120
[birds screeching]

1349
01:17:20,400 --> 01:17:22,440
[Robin] Orlando, where were you
when Evelyn died?

1350
01:17:22,520 --> 01:17:23,520
[Orlando] I was in Italy.

1351
01:17:24,440 --> 01:17:25,320
[Gwen] Who rang you?

1352
01:17:25,760 --> 01:17:26,600
[Orlando] Mom.

1353
01:17:27,760 --> 01:17:29,200
[Gwen] Can you remember
what she said?

1354
01:17:29,640 --> 01:17:30,800
[wind blowing]

1355
01:17:31,800 --> 01:17:32,720
Um...

1356
01:17:33,200 --> 01:17:34,880
She phoned up and said,

1357
01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:38,240
“He’s done it.

1358
01:17:39,320 --> 01:17:40,800
He’s killed himself.”

1359
01:17:43,080 --> 01:17:44,160
And then she hung up.

1360
01:18:07,120 --> 01:18:08,440
How soon did you get back?

1361
01:18:10,640 --> 01:18:13,480
I got bundled into a taxi
within about half an hour

1362
01:18:13,560 --> 01:18:15,240
and went straight to the airport.

1363
01:18:16,560 --> 01:18:17,600
[clears throat]

1364
01:18:21,360 --> 01:18:22,280
I don’t--

1365
01:18:22,960 --> 01:18:24,440
I don't even remember coming home.

1366
01:18:24,520 --> 01:18:27,960
I don’t remember seeing any of you guys,
but I guess I must’ve got back that night.

1367
01:18:28,480 --> 01:18:30,240
-[Robin] Did you come home that evening?
-Yeah.

1368
01:18:30,320 --> 01:18:31,600
[Robin] I remember that.

1369
01:18:33,920 --> 01:18:34,880
I don’t.

1370
01:18:35,720 --> 01:18:37,880
There was a Virgil on Peckham Rye.

1371
01:18:38,320 --> 01:18:39,320
-Vigil.
-Vigil.

1372
01:18:39,400 --> 01:18:42,120
-"There was a Virgil."
-Whatever.

1373
01:18:43,520 --> 01:18:45,760
There was an-- Roman...

1374
01:18:47,160 --> 01:18:48,640
-Writer.
-Writer.

1375
01:18:48,720 --> 01:18:50,000
[Robin] Writing a book.

1376
01:18:50,080 --> 01:18:52,560
That would’ve been appropriate
because Evelyn loved Virgil.

1377
01:18:53,240 --> 01:18:54,440
He loved <i>The Aeneid.</i>

1378
01:19:02,720 --> 01:19:03,600
[sighing]

1379
01:19:06,280 --> 01:19:08,280
[wind howling]

1380
01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:33,920
[melancholic string music playing]

1381
01:19:40,280 --> 01:19:42,920
[Robin] I do think, post-walk, that...

1382
01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:45,920
just because we’ve sort of
opened this discussion

1383
01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:47,320
and we’ve talked about it,

1384
01:19:48,400 --> 01:19:49,600
it doesn’t mean that...

1385
01:19:50,880 --> 01:19:52,200
we’ve, like, dealt with it.

1386
01:19:52,720 --> 01:19:54,480
I think, you know,

1387
01:19:55,720 --> 01:19:58,880
we should all try and make this a...

1388
01:20:00,040 --> 01:20:02,160
like an ongoing discussion

1389
01:20:02,240 --> 01:20:04,240
-just amongst ourselves.
-[Orlando] Definitely, Robs.

1390
01:20:04,880 --> 01:20:05,720
[man] Hello.

1391
01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:08,200
What are you guys up to?

1392
01:20:09,640 --> 01:20:12,160
We’re um... We're walking.

1393
01:20:12,240 --> 01:20:15,480
We’ve been walking for the past month
from the far north of Scotland

1394
01:20:15,560 --> 01:20:18,640
down back to London
in memory of our brother.

1395
01:20:18,720 --> 01:20:20,120
Oh, that’s fantastic!

1396
01:20:20,200 --> 01:20:22,520
-Talking and--
-With a film crew the whole way?

1397
01:20:22,600 --> 01:20:24,040
-Yeah.
-Excellent!

1398
01:20:24,120 --> 01:20:26,320
Well, we’ve been following them, but...

1399
01:20:26,800 --> 01:20:28,920
-Yeah. Well, that’s awesome.
-Yeah.

1400
01:20:29,000 --> 01:20:30,400
So, how far have you got to go?

1401
01:20:30,480 --> 01:20:33,200
-From here straight to London?
-This is our-- Tomorrow is our last day.

1402
01:20:33,560 --> 01:20:37,600
-Tomorrow’s going to be a fantastic day.
-I hope so.

1403
01:20:37,680 --> 01:20:40,000
This is a subject we’ve avoided.

1404
01:20:40,080 --> 01:20:43,600
He took his own life 13 years ago,
and we’ve avoided talking about it...

1405
01:20:43,680 --> 01:20:47,000
-[airplane engine roars]
-...since then. This is--

1406
01:20:47,080 --> 01:20:48,280
We’ve been talking.

1407
01:20:48,560 --> 01:20:51,240
-Can I ask, if it's not imprudent?
-No. You can ask anything.

1408
01:20:51,320 --> 01:20:53,000
Is it a cathartic experience?
Has it helped?

1409
01:20:53,080 --> 01:20:55,280
[stutters] Well, today’s actually a day--

1410
01:20:55,360 --> 01:20:57,240
It’s sort of reflecting
on how it's all been

1411
01:20:57,320 --> 01:21:00,800
because tomorrow is the end,
um, and um...

1412
01:21:01,400 --> 01:21:02,960
I don't know. Yes.

1413
01:21:03,040 --> 01:21:04,800
For me, enormously.

1414
01:21:04,880 --> 01:21:06,800
I did 20 years in the forces,

1415
01:21:06,880 --> 01:21:09,520
-and I came out in 2005.
-Yeah.

1416
01:21:09,600 --> 01:21:11,280
Since that time,
I’ve lost three of my friends,

1417
01:21:11,360 --> 01:21:13,560
-and they’ve all taken their own lives.
-Oh, I’m so sorry.

1418
01:21:13,640 --> 01:21:16,400
So, it’s something that--
Goose bumps, and it’s...

1419
01:21:16,480 --> 01:21:18,160
Yeah, wow. Well done you for doing this.

1420
01:21:18,240 --> 01:21:22,280
I think, for me, it’s just this huge
importance of awareness

1421
01:21:22,360 --> 01:21:24,240
for people when they’re not well.

1422
01:21:24,320 --> 01:21:27,480
This is something we’ve been
really aware of,

1423
01:21:27,560 --> 01:21:31,040
on our walk down,
of talking to people, how many...

1424
01:21:31,360 --> 01:21:36,880
people there are who have friends
or family who have experience in suicide,

1425
01:21:36,960 --> 01:21:40,680
or um... of how much of, like,
a pertinent issue.

1426
01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:43,560
Tragic.
I’m very sorry for your loss, really.

1427
01:21:43,640 --> 01:21:45,480
-What’s your name?
-Simon. Nice to meet you.

1428
01:21:45,560 --> 01:21:47,280
-I’m Orlando, Simon.
-Orlando, Nice to meet you.

1429
01:21:47,360 --> 01:21:48,320
-Gwennie.
-[Simon] Inspirational.

1430
01:21:48,400 --> 01:21:50,120
-Vinnie?
-Gwennie? Gwendolen.

1431
01:21:50,200 --> 01:21:51,560
-Robin. Hi, Simon.
-Robin.

1432
01:21:51,640 --> 01:21:53,720
-Fantastic. I really enjoyed meeting you.
-Thank you.

1433
01:21:53,800 --> 01:21:54,720
Good luck for tomorrow.

1434
01:21:57,800 --> 01:22:00,200
-Do I have--
-[Orlando] Snot all over your mouth?

1435
01:22:00,280 --> 01:22:02,000
Do I have streams down my face?

1436
01:22:02,080 --> 01:22:04,160
-You got a little snot mustache.
-Do I?

1437
01:22:04,240 --> 01:22:06,480
-No.
-What about black bits?

1438
01:22:07,360 --> 01:22:08,680
No, you're pretty good.

1439
01:22:20,360 --> 01:22:21,800
Here's a business card.

1440
01:22:21,880 --> 01:22:24,520
You need to give us a ring. Come flying.

1441
01:22:24,600 --> 01:22:27,800
Also, I didn't get a hug from you earlier.
I got quite upset. I'm sorry about that.

1442
01:22:27,880 --> 01:22:31,240
I was a bit upset
before we bumped into you, Simon,

1443
01:22:31,320 --> 01:22:33,360
-so thank you. [sniffs]
-I know.

1444
01:22:33,440 --> 01:22:37,280
-It never stops, does it?
-No, and I think that's why I was crying.

1445
01:22:37,760 --> 01:22:39,680
I never thought about this
being cathartic,

1446
01:22:39,760 --> 01:22:43,160
but it was just the realization
that the pain won’t go away is like...

1447
01:22:43,680 --> 01:22:44,600
You know...

1448
01:22:46,400 --> 01:22:47,360
It's tough.

1449
01:22:47,440 --> 01:22:48,520
I want a hug.

1450
01:22:50,280 --> 01:22:51,400
Thank you, Simon.

1451
01:22:52,000 --> 01:22:54,120
I don't normally get upset,
you know, so...

1452
01:22:54,600 --> 01:22:55,600
Good on you guys.

1453
01:22:56,280 --> 01:22:57,680
[Gwen] We'll be in touch.

1454
01:22:58,040 --> 01:22:58,920
[door closes]

1455
01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:01,160
-We'll see you in the sky.
-[car engine starts]

1456
01:23:03,960 --> 01:23:06,040
-[Simon] Thank you for that.
-Thank you.

1457
01:23:10,920 --> 01:23:13,720
[Gwen] That was the best hug I’ve had
all month. [laughs]

1458
01:23:14,120 --> 01:23:15,920
[Robin] He really grips you, doesn't he?

1459
01:23:16,040 --> 01:23:18,600
-[Gwen chuckles] He gripped me.
-Gave you a little arm grip.

1460
01:23:20,760 --> 01:23:22,760
[wind howling]

1461
01:23:30,960 --> 01:23:32,280
So, um...

1462
01:23:32,360 --> 01:23:34,680
I've got a friend called Laura whose...

1463
01:23:34,760 --> 01:23:37,640
one of her best friends took her life.

1464
01:23:38,880 --> 01:23:39,840
And um...

1465
01:23:41,160 --> 01:23:43,320
and then she sent this the other day

1466
01:23:43,400 --> 01:23:44,800
and just said this...

1467
01:23:46,600 --> 01:23:48,280
poem really helped her...

1468
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,400
at the time.

1469
01:23:50,800 --> 01:23:51,640
[sniffs]

1470
01:23:52,880 --> 01:23:57,360
“If I were the first of us to die,
let grief not blacken on your sky.

1471
01:23:58,040 --> 01:24:00,760
Be bold yet modest in your grieving.

1472
01:24:01,400 --> 01:24:04,160
There is a change, but not a leaving.

1473
01:24:06,440 --> 01:24:08,640
For just as death is part of life,

1474
01:24:12,000 --> 01:24:14,400
the dead live on forever in the living.

1475
01:24:19,360 --> 01:24:22,040
[voice breaking] And all the gathered
riches of our journey...

1476
01:24:24,360 --> 01:24:27,280
The moment shared,
the mysteries explored...

1477
01:24:30,200 --> 01:24:31,040
[sniffs]

1478
01:24:34,360 --> 01:24:37,360
The steady layering of intimacy stored.

1479
01:24:37,920 --> 01:24:39,360
[gentle piano music playing]

1480
01:24:39,440 --> 01:24:40,280
[sniffs]

1481
01:24:44,400 --> 01:24:47,240
The things that made us laugh,
weep or sing.

1482
01:24:48,960 --> 01:24:51,200
The joy of sunlit snow,

1483
01:24:51,280 --> 01:24:53,640
or first unfurling of the spring.

1484
01:24:55,480 --> 01:24:57,920
The wordless language of look and touch.

1485
01:24:59,000 --> 01:24:59,960
The knowing.

1486
01:25:00,040 --> 01:25:02,240
Each giving and each taking.

1487
01:25:03,240 --> 01:25:04,880
These are not flowers that fade,

1488
01:25:04,960 --> 01:25:07,200
nor trees that fall and crumble,

1489
01:25:07,280 --> 01:25:08,560
nor are they stone.

1490
01:25:09,120 --> 01:25:13,160
For even stone cannot the wind
and rain withstand.

1491
01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:18,080
And mighty mountain peaks in time
reduce to sand.

1492
01:25:19,080 --> 01:25:20,680
What we were, we are.

1493
01:25:21,320 --> 01:25:23,080
What we had, we have.

1494
01:25:24,120 --> 01:25:27,120
A conjoint past imperishably present.

1495
01:25:28,280 --> 01:25:30,200
So, when you walk the woods

1496
01:25:30,280 --> 01:25:32,200
where once we walked together...

1497
01:25:35,000 --> 01:25:38,920
and scan in vain the dappled bank
beside you for my shadow,

1498
01:25:42,320 --> 01:25:45,080
or pause where we always did
upon the hill...

1499
01:25:46,480 --> 01:25:48,160
to gaze across the land.

1500
01:25:49,360 --> 01:25:53,000
And spotting something, reach by habit,
for my hand.

1501
01:25:53,720 --> 01:25:55,720
[weeping]

1502
01:26:07,760 --> 01:26:09,280
And finding none,

1503
01:26:10,720 --> 01:26:13,280
feel sorrow start to steal upon you.

1504
01:26:14,840 --> 01:26:17,040
Be still, close your eyes,

1505
01:26:18,320 --> 01:26:21,680
breathe, listen for my footfall
in your heart.

1506
01:26:25,880 --> 01:26:29,360
I’m not gone, but merely walk within you.”

1507
01:26:33,600 --> 01:26:35,920
I just can’t fucking read that poem.

1508
01:26:36,320 --> 01:26:39,080
Well done. [sniffs]
Well done.

1509
01:26:45,880 --> 01:26:47,240
[Gwen] We love you.

1510
01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:53,160
Well done.

1511
01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:54,880
[kisses]

1512
01:26:55,640 --> 01:26:56,880
[Gwen] Did she write it?

1513
01:26:57,720 --> 01:26:59,920
No. It’s probably some really cheesy poem.

1514
01:27:00,000 --> 01:27:01,880
[all laugh]

1515
01:27:01,960 --> 01:27:06,080
If you-- What if you googled "poems
for funerals" and it's the first hit?

1516
01:27:07,400 --> 01:27:08,920
-Probably.
-[Gwenn scoffs]

1517
01:27:09,320 --> 01:27:10,840
[Gwen] I think it’s beautiful.

1518
01:27:11,960 --> 01:27:13,960
[wind howling]

1519
01:27:29,200 --> 01:27:30,520
I think I know that if I don’t--

1520
01:27:30,600 --> 01:27:33,520
This is the only time I’m ever going
to look at this if I’m going to do it.

1521
01:27:39,880 --> 01:27:40,800
[exhales]

1522
01:27:42,520 --> 01:27:44,520
[opening sheet of paper]

1523
01:27:48,400 --> 01:27:49,280
[exhales]

1524
01:27:54,800 --> 01:27:56,280
It’s just in bits.

1525
01:27:58,360 --> 01:27:59,200
[exhales]

1526
01:28:02,320 --> 01:28:03,200
[gulps]

1527
01:28:04,600 --> 01:28:09,480
“Dear Mom, Dad, Orlando,
Gwendolen and Robin.

1528
01:28:11,800 --> 01:28:15,440
It is greatly unfortunate
that I didn’t fully appreciate...

1529
01:28:18,320 --> 01:28:20,680
the chance available to me
at medical school.

1530
01:28:26,240 --> 01:28:28,480
It would have been lovely
to have been a doctor.”

1531
01:28:34,720 --> 01:28:36,720
[train passing by]

1532
01:28:39,720 --> 01:28:40,560
[sniffs]

1533
01:28:45,120 --> 01:28:46,760
<i>I don’t know what I expected.</i>

1534
01:28:47,920 --> 01:28:50,520
<i>I sort of thought it would be</i>
<i>more muddled, actually.</i>

1535
01:28:51,280 --> 01:28:53,640
<i>It’s actually quite painful that it was...</i>

1536
01:28:54,640 --> 01:28:56,520
<i>mostly very coherent.</i>

1537
01:28:57,640 --> 01:28:58,480
[sniffs]

1538
01:29:00,080 --> 01:29:00,960
[gulps]

1539
01:29:01,040 --> 01:29:02,680
<i>I only recognize...</i>

1540
01:29:04,480 --> 01:29:06,880
<i>Evelyn as he was at the end of his life.</i>

1541
01:29:12,200 --> 01:29:13,200
<i>Just...</i>

1542
01:29:16,280 --> 01:29:17,200
<i>full of...</i>

1543
01:29:18,520 --> 01:29:19,600
<i>worry and...</i>

1544
01:29:20,680 --> 01:29:21,800
<i>anxiousness.</i>

1545
01:29:26,520 --> 01:29:27,480
<i>Regret.</i>

1546
01:29:33,240 --> 01:29:36,440
<i>I’ve always carried a feeling of regret.</i>

1547
01:29:38,440 --> 01:29:40,720
I think if I was honest... [sniffs]

1548
01:29:44,040 --> 01:29:45,480
I don’t know, because...

1549
01:29:47,840 --> 01:29:49,440
in some ways I feel...

1550
01:29:51,920 --> 01:29:53,280
that I couldn’t...

1551
01:29:57,720 --> 01:30:01,240
I don't know. I couldn't save the person
who was closest to me.

1552
01:30:09,600 --> 01:30:11,600
[wind howling]

1553
01:30:13,000 --> 01:30:16,120
I think Evelyn’s loss
will always be painful,

1554
01:30:17,840 --> 01:30:21,720
but maybe now I can
let him into my life again.

1555
01:30:48,280 --> 01:30:49,680
I really miss him.

1556
01:30:52,360 --> 01:30:54,760
Here we are in the kitchen.

1557
01:30:54,840 --> 01:30:56,200
[Robin] With a glass of wine.

1558
01:30:56,280 --> 01:31:01,880
With a glass of wine raised to you,
Lucia, and Tandy, and John.

1559
01:31:01,960 --> 01:31:02,960
What are you looking at?

1560
01:31:03,040 --> 01:31:07,920
And if you look around the walls,
you’ll see that Orlando has painted it.

1561
01:31:08,000 --> 01:31:10,560
Look at the ceiling.

1562
01:31:10,640 --> 01:31:13,320
It’s dark blue, and Evelyn is--

1563
01:31:13,400 --> 01:31:14,600
Orlando is found.

1564
01:31:15,120 --> 01:31:18,160
Oh, my God. I'm literally trying
to hide from the video.

1565
01:31:18,240 --> 01:31:19,240
Get upstairs.

1566
01:31:20,160 --> 01:31:21,280
Have you got a new lens?

1567
01:31:21,960 --> 01:31:22,800
[Evelyn] No.

1568
01:31:23,560 --> 01:31:25,440
-Is that the same lens as before?
-[Evelyn] Yeah.

1569
01:31:26,120 --> 01:31:29,080
[Harriet] Evelyn, come get ready for bed.
What are you doing?

1570
01:31:29,160 --> 01:31:31,160
-[Evelyn] Leave it.
-[Orlando] I’m just messing with it.

1571
01:31:32,120 --> 01:31:34,160
Peace to the world.
Evelyn, can I film?

1572
01:31:34,240 --> 01:31:35,240
-[Evelyn] No.
-Why?

1573
01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:36,880
-Say hi to Vick.
-Hi, Vick.

1574
01:31:36,960 --> 01:31:38,520
Hi, everybody.

1575
01:31:38,600 --> 01:31:40,400
-[Harriet talking indistinctly]
-[Robin] Ow!

1576
01:31:40,480 --> 01:31:41,520
Face!

1577
01:31:41,960 --> 01:31:44,960
-[Robin] Evelyn, show yourself.
-Hello, Vick and family.

1578
01:31:45,040 --> 01:31:47,440
How are you? Merry Christmas to all.

1579
01:31:47,720 --> 01:31:49,560
[Robin] Please, Orlando, can I film?

1580
01:31:49,640 --> 01:31:50,800
-Can I, please?
-[Orlando] No.

1581
01:31:50,880 --> 01:31:53,080
[Evelyn] Orlando, I’m good. I filmed you.

1582
01:31:53,160 --> 01:31:56,120
Hi, I’m the best actress in the world,
by the way. [exhales]

1583
01:31:56,680 --> 01:31:57,920
[Orlando] You're not.

1584
01:31:58,000 --> 01:32:02,440
Here's me to say
we miss you all really badly.

1585
01:32:03,440 --> 01:32:05,120
-Even Iyla.
-[Robin] Puppy.

1586
01:32:05,200 --> 01:32:07,080
[Harriet] Oh, let's show you Tansy.

1587
01:32:07,160 --> 01:32:10,040
[Robin] This is our new dog.
She's not new, actually.

1588
01:32:11,000 --> 01:32:13,280
-No. Come here.
-No!

1589
01:32:13,400 --> 01:32:15,400
[melancholic string music playing]

1590
01:32:18,920 --> 01:32:21,440
[Robin] Evelyn! [laughs]

1591
01:32:43,080 --> 01:32:45,080
[music continues]

1592
01:33:06,080 --> 01:33:08,080
["Thousand Miles" playing]

1593
01:33:21,000 --> 01:33:26,040
<i>♪ So alive when I called ♪</i>

1594
01:33:28,080 --> 01:33:32,440
<i>♪  And so away with the dawn ♪</i>

1595
01:33:35,240 --> 01:33:40,040
<i>♪ But what was there is no more ♪</i>

1596
01:33:42,440 --> 01:33:47,200
<i>♪ So alive when I called ♪</i>

1597
01:33:49,840 --> 01:33:55,560
<i>♪ Please give me time ♪</i>

1598
01:33:56,880 --> 01:34:02,800
<i>♪ Thousand miles across</i>
<i>the seas I'll ride ♪</i>

1599
01:34:03,680 --> 01:34:09,240
<i>♪ We'll waltz on glass ♪</i>

1600
01:34:10,960 --> 01:34:14,440
<i>♪ Hand in hand this moment ♪</i>

1601
01:34:14,520 --> 01:34:19,520
<i>♪ It's our last</i>
<i>It's our last ♪</i>

1602
01:34:19,840 --> 01:34:23,240
<i>♪ It's our last ♪</i>

1603
01:34:23,440 --> 01:34:27,120
<i>♪ It's our last ♪</i>

1604
01:34:42,600 --> 01:34:46,640
<i>♪ Cityscape, bright lights ♪</i>

1605
01:34:49,360 --> 01:34:54,760
<i>♪ An empty room lonely and nice ♪</i>

1606
01:34:56,400 --> 01:35:00,200
<i>♪ And there's a voice in my head ♪</i>

1607
01:35:03,240 --> 01:35:08,520
<i>♪ It pulls my hair, shares my bed ♪</i>

1608
01:35:10,560 --> 01:35:16,280
<i>♪ Please give me time ♪</i>

1609
01:35:17,440 --> 01:35:23,520
<i>♪ Thousand miles across</i>
<i>the seas I'll ride ♪</i>

1610
01:35:24,400 --> 01:35:29,960
<i>♪ We'll waltz on glass ♪</i>

1611
01:35:31,360 --> 01:35:34,720
<i>♪ Hand in hand this moment ♪</i>

1612
01:35:34,800 --> 01:35:39,880
<i>♪ It's our last</i>
<i>It's our last ♪</i>

1613
01:35:39,960 --> 01:35:43,200
<i>♪ It's our last ♪</i>

1614
01:35:43,560 --> 01:35:47,240
<i>♪ It's our last ♪</i>

1615
01:35:47,960 --> 01:35:49,960
[music fades out]