Jade Harley sits in what is currently designated as her room, on her bed. With someone else in it, sharing it with her. A situation she's been in many times before, but never quite like this. Just, sitting, sharing space with a friend. Confiding in someone else about things that have been bothering her.

ROXY: wow uh
ROXY: i gotta say thats some pretty heavy shit
JADE: mhm

It's been hard. Of course, she knew it would be. Lots of long pauses, as she tries to sort out her thoughts, or just work up the courage to say them. Curling up on herself and burying her face in her knees when it gets to be too much. But Roxy's been patient, and supportive. Listening, waiting. Offering a helpful question or two after longer periods of silence, to try and give Jade some point of focus, something to help her crystalize her thoughts.

He really is good at this. Helping people work through their issues. It's no wonder he got so much credit from his friends for keeping their session together.

JADE: i just... i went through so much
JADE: but it always seemed to be helpful for everyone else
JADE: and i guess, i just! wound up romanticizing it
JADE: suffering for the greater good, all nobly
JADE: but maybe sometimes suffering is just suffering

It feels weird to say out loud. So at odds with how she's felt, how she's rationalized everything for so long now.


JADE: my time on that ship was just... awful
JADE: but then i had that dream, and met alt callie
JADE: and she told me what it was all for!
JADE: what john had done, why he was doing it. how part of the deal was making other people go through the loss he suffered
ROXY: o yeah i remember that
ROXY: sometimes i still feel kinda bad about it
ROXY: for that other roxy that died
ROXY: and for my friends having to see that happen
ROXY: even if my sympathy for one of them is like, way less now, all retroactive-like
JADE: yeah... thats true
JADE: i... guess weve all got problems

Jade suddenly feels a wave of embarrassment and humiliation wash over her. She... Has she just been making a huge deal out of nothing, this whole time? She isn't the only one that's witnessed loss, after all. She's just the one that avoided thinking about it, or dealing with it, for years and years, until the burden of introspection was forcefully thrust upon her by some shitty outside force.

She feels so stupid. Her body curls up, squeezing her legs tighter to herself. Just wanting to hide herself away. But after a few moments, she feels a comforting touch on her shoulder. Warm, and soft, reassuring, physical proof that she's not alone.

Jade Harley enjoys touch.

ROXY: i mean yeah but
ROXY: are u sure u arent giving urself too little credit?
JADE: huh?
ROXY: im just sayin u kinda seem to got this issue with not thinking ur pain is as bad as it is
ROXY: and beatin urself up over it
JADE: well... yeah
JADE: i mean thats what i was saying, thats what i learned when i met alt callie. how my time alone served a purpose
JADE: and i was just... so relieved!
JADE: and i tried to be happier after that! because i WAS going to meet john again, and i didnt have to worry that something inexplicably awful had happened to all my other friends, too
JADE: suddenly it all had a reason, even if i still felt bad sometimes, having to spend a whole other year alone!
JADE: i thought it was worth it, me being alone, so that way john would be able to reunite with all his friends, and nobody would have to die
JADE: but... i guess there being a purpose to the narrative, and a purpose to me are two different things
JADE: and callie was only really talking about the first one
ROXY: yeah ive never met her but she really sounds liek she doesnt really
ROXY: get, how people work
ROXY: or she kinda gets it from an outside perspec, but doesnt really think about or care about people bein happy?
ROXY: think i definitely got the better callie over here
ROXY: or at least the one thats more pleasant to spend time with anyway
JADE: yeah, (jade) definitely didnt care about that at all...
ROXY: huh?
ROXY: oh yeah right she changed her name to yours and junk
ROXY: we should prolly stop deadnaming her huh
JADE: im... not sure it really works like that??
JADE: like the way she explained it, like...
JADE: im not sure she really attributes a name to, 'herself', the way wed think about it?
JADE: like, her consciousness, thoughts and feelings, who she is as a person, im not sure if she considers that as even having a name!
JADE: calliope was just the name of the body she was inhabiting. now shes in a new body, that has a different name
JADE: i THINK shed prolly correct us if we referred to the her back then as (jade), too
ROXY: huh
ROXY: lol cherubs sure are weird
ROXY: anyway tho
ROXY: back to how ur feeling
JADE: ugh
JADE: i was kind of enjoying the distraction, actually!
ROXY: hey if u want to stop thats fine
ROXY: really youve talked about like. a LOTTA shit already lmao
ROXY: and im happy to help but im not really like, a professional therapist or anything
ROXY: roxys got roxythings she wants to go do later
ROXY: so like, how bout just one more question and then we wrap things up wether you feel like answerin or not
JADE: i guess thats fine...
ROXY: cool
ROXY: so liek
ROXY: DO you think everyone went thu the same thing as you, with that whole big retcon?

Jade thinks about it.
She thinks hard. She thinks about herself, and her friends. What they all went through. The suffering they all endured. They all suffered loss, but was that loss truly equal? How does she feel about it? How does she REALLY feel about it, without taking that little voice in her head into consideration, the one that tells her that her pain is inherently worth less than others?

JADE: ...
JADE: ...well
JADE: ...
JADE: i mean, i guess not
JADE: ...
JADE: ...no
JADE: no, DEFINITELY not!
JADE:  its! its not even close!!

Jade can feel herself getting worked up. Her fists clench, and her knees uncurl to plant her feet firmly on the floor. Had she really felt her suffering was so much worse than everyone else's? ...Well, of course she did. How could she embrace her role as the noble martyr, if she didn't believe she was taking everyone else's pain onto herself? But actually feeling that way, not as a martyr, not as someone suffering so beautifully for others, but as an actual person... it's so strange to her. So different. So much more... upsetting.

JADE: i mean, roxy, you
JADE: not to diminish everything you went through, but!
JADE: it was all undone in no time at all! you got to reunite with your friends the same day!!
JADE: and your friends, they only had to suffer your loss for a few hours!!
JADE: and dave and rose on the meteor, they
JADE: they didnt suffer johns loss AT ALL!!
JADE: they had no fucking idea he died!!
JADE: in fact, they even got a NEW friend out of it!!!!
JADE: i mean, maybe they werent actually that friendly with vriska, but
JADE: she sure as shit made things go a lot more smoothly for everyone!
JADE: they still benefited from it!
JADE: the only person who felt johns loss, who suffered from johns loss is... is ME!!!
JADE: and i. i had to deal with it, for two fucking years!!
JADE: thinking hed died senselessly and tragically for two goddamn years!
JADE: and... and you know what, he DID!!! it WAS senseless and tragic! it didnt fucking matter if a new john was coming to replace him, it was fucked up!
JADE: oh but you know what, who even cares about that. death means nothing!! he got to go hang out in the dreambubbles!! meeting new people every single day!
JADE: you know who never got to go to the dreambubbles when she slept? who wouldve done literally anything to spend time with other people??
JADE: me!!!
JADE: no, of course not, the one time i DO wind up there, i meet callie, and she
JADE: she puts all this fucked up shit about sacrifice in my head!!!
JADE: suddenly im GLAD im alone, every time i feel bad or lonely i SMILE, because i think it fucking MEANS something!!
JADE: and its
JADE: its just
JADE: ITS NOT FAIR!!!!

Jade's anger just bursts out of her, like a raging fire. One that's had fuel just piling up, and piling up almost all her life, just waiting for someone to strike a match and set it off. And now she finally has, and it just kept getting bigger and bigger, until it explodes in a primal shout.

It's not fair. What she went through isn't fair. It wasn't noble. It wasn't grand. There was no meaning.

She can hear her breath, panting and labored, hissing through her teeth. Chest rising and falling, Back arched, shouting up towards uncaring heavens. Fists clenched, held up in front of her.

JADE: its just... not fair...

Jade can feel herself almost deflating, as that fire dims. Leaving her feeling exhausted. She slumps, and Roxy's arm wraps around her shoulder. A grasp that she's all too happy to accept, leaning into it. Pressing herself into his chest. A few moments of silence, Roxy just letting her enjoy his company, his presence, patting her gently, before he speaks up.

ROXY: u ok?
ROXY: look like u worked through a lot of stuff there
JADE: yeah
JADE: ugh, this sucks
ROXY: yeah
ROXY: talkin bout it is never easy
JADE: no
JADE: well, yes, but
JADE: i just... dont even know, really
JADE: whether these thoughts are actually mine or not
JADE: if i actually feel this way and ive just buried it all down, or if someones MAKING me feel this way
ROXY: oof yeah that whole existential nightmare
ROXY: but i mean so long as its not dirk i say why worry about it??
JADE: what??
JADE: how can you say that?
ROXY: well i mean even before dirk started pulling his shit, this stuff was always goin on behind the scenes wasnt it?
ROXY: we just didnt know about it
ROXY: and like
ROXY: either way ur still feelin these thoughts right
ROXY: prolly best to deal with em so you can start bein happy

That... really does simplify things quite a bit, doesn't it? Just... sort these thoughts out, whatever the source is, and be happy. Even if they aren't her's, they'll still have to go away once they're taken care of, right?

At least, hopefully they won't ever be that bad again. Bad enough to incapacitate her, and ruin her. Keep her from being helpful to her friends.

...Not that she HAS to be helpful, she thinks. Probably best to start discarding that line of thinking, that Jade Harley's only value is in aiding her friends. But she still WANTS to be helpful. To be nice. It's just the kind of person she is.

ROXY: aaaanyway
ROXY: kinda said wed stop after you answered that last question
ROXY: so hoped you like that last little bit of extra advice
ROXY: on the house from good ol uncle rox

He stands up from the bed, holding Jade's hand and inviting her to stand up with him.

ROXY: u wanna like, come out and give talkin to everyone another try?
ROXY: or maybe be alone for a bit?
ROXY: ill tell everyone bout like, all the important shit if u need me to

Jade considers it for a moment, before squeezing Roxy's hand. Using it to pull herself up.

JADE: mmm... i think i can handle it this time!
JADE: i, uh...

Jade pauses a moment, thinking how best to say what she wants to say with words... but really, words just won't cut it. So she pulls herself a little closer, and wraps her arms around Roxy. Holding him close.

JADE: thanks... for helping me work through all this

He smiles. Holds her close as well, patting her on the back.

ROXY: no prob!
ROXY: lemme know if you need to talk again, k?
ROXY: prolly not today, tho
ROXY: gonna go unwind with some vidja games and junk

Jade nods, and lets Roxy pull back, watches him step to the door, following behind.

ROXY: later!!
JADE: right, see ya!

They step out into the hallway again, and it feels so much warmer than the first time Jade left this room. So much fuller, knowing there's other people in it with her, even as Roxy turns and starts walking in the opposite direction.

Hopefully meeting up with the others will go as well as that.