Magical Mayhem #02: Arboric Anomaly [AR]

>"Alright, now tell me what you feel."
>"I feel an overwhelming urge to slap you upside your stupid purple head."
>"I mean besides that."

>The violet aura around Anonymous' head slowly dissipates, though the irritated sneer on his face does not.
>"Hmm. Subject Anonymous shows little reaction to the 'Exploding Head' spell."
>You jot down Twilight's dictation on the comically long scroll of parchment in your claw, as Anonymous voices a concern.
>"That was an 'Exploding Head' Spell?!"
>"Well, it's not literal. It's supposed to cause extremely loud noise and white flashes of light apparent only to the recipient."
>"Oh. Yeah, no that happened. I just thought it was a natural reaction to being around you for so long."
>The derisive comment rolls off the purple unicorn's back, though she seemed surprised by something else entirely.
>"You mean you took the entire brunt of the effects and didn't even flinch? That spell is used to suppress rioting, you should be completely incapacitated!"
>The bothered biped puts a hand to his chin and looks to the ceiling in mock contemplation.
>"Hm. I guess I've built up a decent immunity to loud annoyances, being around you and your friends so much."
>"Guh. Spike, append that to the analysis."
"Got it."
>You write 'Anon still a jerk' next to the previous notation.
>"Alright, on to Spell #349. I think you'll like this one."
>"I highly doubt that."
>Twilight braces herself and aims her horn at the disgruntled human, that same aura enveloping both it and his head once more.
>"Now then," Twilight says with a slight smirk, "do you still feel the need to 'slap me upside the head', as you put it?"
>"Yes, I do. If anything the urge has grown stronger."
>Her smile and grip on the spell falter a bit.
>"Really? And why is that?"
>"Because we're on god damn spell #349, that's why! We've been at this for eight hours! I can see the moon through the window!"
>The aura fades as Twilight mirrors his aggravation, though at a lesser intensity.
>"Well if |somebody| didn't decide to skip last week's session to go to some silly sports game, we wouldn't be this backed up on testing!"
>"You think I |wanted| to go see a bunch of pastel horses kick a ball around for several hours and never score a single point? Rainbow dragged me along because she thought I wasn't getting out enough. I only actually went with her because I figured it'd be a less terrible waste of my time than an afternoon of getting blasted by all variety of potentially deadly spells."
"As much as I like watching you two at each other's throats," you interject, hoping to quell the gathering storm, "can we get back to testing? I'm tired too, ya know."
>"Yes, please," Anonymous responds, "anything to get this over quicker."
>"Alright, fine. Well, the calming spell obviously didn't work, so write that down and we'll move on."
>You write 'Anon too big of a jerk to console with magic'.
"I think you'll need a stronger spell to calm Anon down, he's pretty good at being angry."
>"Only because your sister or guardian or whatever the hell is so good at being stupid."
>"|Moving on|! Spell #350! The last spell on the list for today."
>"Thank whatever gods this crazy place has."
>"Now, this one's a bit of a doozy, which is why I saved it for last."
>"Spectacular. I hope it turns me into a potted plant, so I don't have to deal with this anymore by way of no longer having any higher brain functions."
>"Unfortunately, no. It says the spell is supposed to increase one's offensive and defensive capabilities, along with general physical prowess."
>Some of the anger drains from the human's face as he drops his arms from their position of crossed annoyance.
>"...Seriously?"
>"That's what the book says."
>"...Well, despite the fact that that sounds like the most |useful| spell you've cast all day, I question your decision to cast it on someone who has spent the last two hours trying to set you on fire with his mind."
>"Then I guess it's a good thing I didn't schedule the 'Temporary Pyrokinesis' spell for today."
>"Maybe for you."
"Guys, the spell?"
>"Right, the spell. Ready, Anon?"
>"Can't wait."
>Once more, the studious purple pony takes a bracing stance and aims the magic spiral on her head at its troubled target.
>This spell seems to require a moment of charge, as purple sparks of energy collect at the base of Twilight's horn, building in intensity.
>Then, almost without warning, a loud magical bang reverberates through the library, and a small orb of purple energy careens toward the alarmed anthropoid.
>It engulfs him in a bright purple flash, bright enough that you have to shield your eyes with your arms.
>It passes quickly, however, and upon lowering the rugged paper from your face, you come to the startling discovery that...
>Nothing has changed.
>Twilight shakes some errant purple sparks from her mane, before looking at her test subject expectantly.
>"Feel any different?"
>Anonymous idly scratches at his arm.
>"Not really."
>A look of confusion overtakes Twilight for probably the hundredth time today.
>"Hm. Maybe it's a slow-acting spell? Let me check the entry again."
>The methodical mare turns back to the spellbook on the podium behind her, as Anonymous' scratching intensifies.
"You okay, Anon?"
>"Yeah, it's just... god, why am I so itchy all of a sudden?"
>"Itchy? The spell description doesn't say anything about causing itchiness."
>"Probably because this stupid horse world doesn't have any Department of Health and Safety to require the listing of side effects on things like that."
>The human's excessive scratching continues, moving to other places on his body.
>"Cripes, I can't scratch hard enough. Spike, you've got sharp claws, gimme a hand here."
"Uh, alright."
>You lay the quill and parchment down on a nearby table and go to assist Anonymous as he kneels down.
>"Start on my back, I can never reach there anyway."
>You dig both claws in, scratching hard through the thin layer of clothing that hid his body from the world.
"Jeez, Anon, you're awful rough back here. I feel like I'm scratching another dragon or something."
>Twilight approaches the two of you with a quizzical expression.
>"Maybe you better take your shirt off so we can get a better look at the reaction."
>"Look, I know you've always dreamed of seeing me shirtless, but... gah, forget it, I can't even be a jerk right now."
>The distressed alien quickly disrobes his upper half, revealing...
"Whoa."
>"Is that..."
>Anonymous stares down at his bare chest. "...Tree bark?"
>Amazingly, Anonymous' entire upper body was covered in a thick layer of rugged, flaky bark, slowly encroaching up his neck and further down his arms.
>He looks himself over for a moment longer before returning attention to the unicorn in front of him.
>"Twilight, did you turn me into a tree?"
>"I... I don't... know?"
>"Damnit woman, I'm not Fluttershy!"
>Twilight recoils at the sudden outburst, then seems perplexed, before finally appearing to remember something and settling back into cautious interest.
>"Maybe I cast the spell wrong? Let me go check again."
"The spell said it increased defense or something, didn't it? And if you think about it, trees |are| pretty sturdy."
>"Yeah, but it said 'offensive' too. And I don't  know how offensive I can be when I'm rooted to the ground."
"I think you're offensive enough already anyway."
>Anon doesn't say anything, but gives you a pretty stern look. You smile back smugly.
>"I don't get it, nothing in the spell or the information about it says anything about Dermatologic Arborism."
>"Dermatol... this place has a term for 'tree skin'?"
>"Yes, it's actually a pretty serious disease that plagued Equestria back in the–"
>"Okay, no, nevermind. I don't want to hear about anything I'm afflicted with 'plaguing' things. Just see if there's a way to turn me back into my normal squishy self."
>You scratch at your chin in thought.
"I dunno, Anon, having bark skin could be pretty cool. You could become a crime fighter!"
>You wipe both claws through the air in a presentation gesture.
"The Daring Dogwood!"
>"As fun as that sounds, Spike," the transforming human deadpans, "I think most crime fighters have the ability to move their legs, which is something I now find I cannot do. What's the status on that cure there, Purplesmart?"
>"I'm looking, I'm looking! There's nothing in Magical Maladies; Spike, see if you can find Supernaturals, that might have it."
"On it, Twilight!"
>You leave your increasingly immobile but now oddly calm friend, who had apparently settled in for a long wait, admiring the moon through the window.
>You jog over to the last bookshelf that you saw the book in question.
>Sure enough, it was right where you left it; stuffed in a corner after Twilight scoffed it during the Poison Joke epidemic.
"Here it is!"
>You scurry over to the spell podium and throw down the book, which is quite hastily pulled open, pages flipping by at pace you could barely keep up with.
>"How are you doing, Anon?" Twilight asks over her shoulder.
>"Oh, pretty good now, I suppose. The itching stopped a while ago, but now I'm really hungry, like for some kinda meat or something."
>Twilight doesn't stop her frantic scanning while responding.
>"Sorry, you know we don't eat meat, so I never keep any around."
>"Ah, yeah. Dang."
>The library falls silent for a moment, save for the rapid flipping of pages.
>"Hey, Twilight. You're made of meat, aren't you?"
>The pages stop dead in the air.
>Fear creeps into the unmoving unicorn's features, as you hear low, wooden creaking coming from behind.
>"Yeah, come to think of it, Spike is too. Thought that dragon hide might be tougher to get through."
>Your own blood runs cold at that statement.
>Slowly, the two of you turn around.
>"Anon, what are you– Yeep!"
>At some point in his transformation, Anonymous evidently regained mobility of his limbs, now standing upright before you both, some 50% larger than you remember him a moment ago.
>His upper body has gone from merely being covered in bark to apparently just being completely |made| of wood, in a multitude of roughly connected sticks, logs and twigs.
>While that on it's own is decidedly terrifying, you can't help but notice his normally blunt fingers now terminate in razor sharp cedar claws that put your own to shame.
>Twilight, however, was probably focused on the fact that his face had become greatly elongated, now more resemblant of a canine than a hominid, or that his shoes lay in shreds around his newly digitigrade lumber legs.
>"What am I?" He rasps out a chuckle in his deepening voice. "I'm hungry. And I think... it's time... to |eat|!"
>In a downright sickening display, the last vestiges of skin tear free from his face as he howls at the ceiling, leaving nothing but dense wooden shrapnel.
"Twilight..."
>You nudge the petrified pony, desperately trying to get a response.
"Twilight, we gotta run!"
>Like a razor-edged spring, the former human lunges straight for the both of you, a murderous gleam in his glowing green eyes.
"Twilight!!"
>Finally, she snaps out of it, and the two of you blink out of existence.

>A moment later, you and Twilight reappear upstairs, a little disoriented, but no worse for wear.
>"Spike, are you alright?"
>You check over your small scaled body to make sure everything is still in the right place.
"I think so, y–"
>The words catch in your throat as a horrific roar emanates from the room below, followed by sounds of destruction.
>Then, all was silent.
>You manage to pry yourself off of Twilight's neck, before you both delicately creep towards the stairs.
>With a slow, probing look below, you find the room in shambles, but curiously absent of any massive mahogany monstrosities.
>Continuing with care, you and your similarly purple companion take to inspecting the damage.
>Before long you find two huge, deep gashes in the hardwood floor, right around where you were standing before the teleport.
"Whoa... that coulda been us. ...Twilight?"
>Looking back, you see the despondent pony staring at the front door, now split in half and hanging open by a single hinge.
>"Spike... I think I messed up."
>You can't help but give her a derisive look. She hardly seemed to notice; the gears of her mind already turning on finding a solution.
>"Okay... okay. We can fix this. All we have to do is figure out what the spell actually |did| to Anon, find a cure or reversal, and then find |him| before he gets too far away or seriously hurts anypony. Simple, really."
"Yeah, sounds like a cinch."
>a sudden, dreadful revelation overtakes you.
"Wait, oh no! Rarity! I gotta make sure she's okay!"
>Without a moment more of hesitation, you bolt out the door on the straightest path to Carousel Boutique, the frantic calls of Twilight behind you falling on deaf ears.
>"Spike, wait! We don't have a plan! And what about our other friends?!"

---

>Curse these tiny legs. Why couldn't they carry you faster?
>After what felt like an eternity, the Carousel came into view. You hardly slowed down as you barreled into its entrance, flinging the door open with a loud smash.
>A startled, snow-coated unicorn yelps at the sudden noise, a collection of pins and fabric jumping out of her magical grasp.
>She turns in surprise, though her expression softens somewhat upon discovering the identity of the intrusion.
>"Spike? What are you doing here so late?"
>You explained the situation as calmly and clearly as possible.
"RarityI'msogladyou'reokayweweredoingmagiconAnonandTwilightturnedhimintoaweretimberwolfandnowhe'srampagingthroughthetownwithathirstforbloodand gosh you look pretty tonight."
>The unicorn of unparalleled beauty had a bit of trouble keeping up with your frantic speech, though from the smile overtaking her, the last part at least got through.
>"Oh, why thank you, Spike. You know I just got my mane– wait, what was that about something rampaging and bloodthirsty?"
>A soul-shattering howl pierces the night air, clearing your mind of it's lovestruck haze.
"We turned Anon into a weretimberwolf!"
>Rarity looks appalled. "You did |what|?!"
>A second howl punctuates her surprise, increasing the terror in her still beautiful eyes.
"Well, actually I guess Twilight did it, I was just writing the logbook."
>"Why on earth would she do that?!"
"Well she didn't mean to! We didn't know exactly what the spell was going to do! All it said was it was supposed to 'enhance his physical prowess'!"
>Fear is replaced with confusion, as Rarity thinks a moment.
>"Well, then maybe we're lucky that's |all| it did."
>You think that one went over your head.
"...What?"
>"Nevermind, dear."
>The now calm and collected vision of beauty goes about cleaning up her workspace and gathering a few things while continuing.
>"Now, I hope I'm right in assuming Twilight is working on a cure?"
"Uh, I guess so? I'm not sure, I rushed over here as fast as I could to make sure you were alright."
>She smiles again at your chivalry.
>"While I appreciate the concern, I'm afraid a situation like this puts more than just myself in danger. Why, all our friends are at risk, maybe even the entire town!"
>Some of the color drains from your face as you realize the true seriousness of the situation.
"Oh no, I never thought of that! Augh, why didn't Twilight tell me?"
>"She probably tried... Regardless, we should regroup back at the library, where I'm sure she's rallied the others by now."
"Right!"
>Your body moves ahead of your mind, carrying you towards the door before a thought freezes you in place.
"You mean... out there? With the deranged weretimberwolf on the loose?"
>Once more, a howl carries across the air, sending a shiver down your scales.
>The fear subsides when you feel a well-maintained hoof come to rest on your shoulder, and look back to find Rarity with her saddlebags packed and ready.
>"We'll be alright, as long as I have a big, strong dragon to protect me."
>You can feel the heat of your cheeks reddening.
"Aw, well I–"
>"Also, I have this."
>A large, gem-encrusted ivory club pulls itself free from a pouch on her bags, the word "Generosity" lovingly etched into the side of it.
"How long have you had that?"
>"One can never be too careful when roaming the streets of the larger cities at night. Now let's be off."

---

>The return trip to the library is tense, but relatively uneventful.
>Though you couldn't stop yourself from thinking about all the terrible things Anon might be doing to innocent ponies.
>Then again, if that were the case, you'd probably be hearing a lot of screaming, instead of the eerie stillness of the night air that surrounded the two of you.
>On second thought, maybe a little distant terrified screaming wouldn't be too bad.

>Soon enough, you and your infatuation reach the Golden Oaks' front door, which appears to have been hastily nailed back together.
>It doesn't budge when you try the handle, presumably barred from the other side.
>Rarity approaches and gives three short raps with her hoof.
>A decidedly southern voice emanates from the other side.
>"What's the password?"
>"Applejack, is that you? It's Rarity and Spike, let us in."
>"Nuh-uh, not until ah hear the password."
>Irritation starts to overtakes her delicate features, but for the moment she retains her cool.
>"Ah, hm. Applejack, there's an angry, vicious beast somewhere out here, undoubtedly lurking in the shadows waiting to rip us to shreds. So if you would be so kind as to |please| let us in before that happens?"
>"An' who's to say yer not that there vicious beast yerself, impersonatin' a friend to trick us into lettin' yah in? Password or nothin'."
>The cool is lost.
>"But we don't |know| the password! We didn't even know there was going to |be| a password!"
>"Then ah guess you ain't gettin' in."
>"Gaaaah!"
>Rarity shouts her disapproval at the sky before turning away from the door, taking a few deep breaths to collect herself.
>You, however, remain still, contemplating the problem at hand momentarily, before a possible solution manifests in your mind.
"Apples."
>Rarity looks up from her grumbling; calmer, but still moderately irate.
>"Spike, I know Applejack is rather... single-minded, but I would think that even |she| would be more clever than–"
>The sound of tumblers unlocking coming from the door dissipates any skepticism present in the air.
>"...Of course."
>The door opens, a smiling orange earth pony greeting the two of you.
>You saunter proudly inside with Rarity trailing behind, glaring at Applejack as hard as she can.

>Though the main room is still in a severe state of disarray, it looks like some attempt has been made at cleaning up.
>At the very least the central table has been set back upright, around which Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash sit, looking at a map of the town and some other assorted papers.
>Twilight perks up, looking back at the sound of the door closing; too deep in her thoughts to have heard the the previous shenanigans.
>She wastes no time in rushing over and scooping you up in a hug. "Spike! You're okay! I was so worried."
>Her sudden embrace startles you somewhat, but you gladly return the gesture before she sets you back down.
"Aw, you know me. It'll take more than a little old weretimberwolf to get the better of this dragon."
>A sudden howl from somewhere outside causes you to jump and latch onto Twilight's neck again.
>Remembering yourself, you hastily jump back down and try to act like that didn't happen.
>The sight of Rarity giggling at your reaction does not help your ego any.
>Before moving on, a thought comes to mind.
"You know, I swear he waits to do that until someone says 'weretimberwolf'."
>Taking the cue, you hear yet another howl reverberate through the air.
>Angrily, you march over to the door and yank it open.
"Knock it off!"
>The door is slammed, and you cross your arms with a harumph.
>Though after a second you realize you just yelled at a creature that could very easily eviscerate the lot of you, and nervously run to the table to join your colorful compatriots.
"So, what's the plan?"
>Rainbow slides a sheet of paper over to you from her position a few feet above the table.
>"See for yourself."
>You pick up the page, clear your throat, and read it aloud.
"Operation 'Get Anon Back'. Step 1: Build a trap. Step 2: Capture Anon in it. ...That's all it says."
>Twilight snatches the paper out of your claw. "It's a work in progress."
>"I thought you were supposed to be good at this planning stuff," Rainbow chides from above. "Like, planning stuff is all I see you do half the time."
>Frustration is clear through a mask of indifference in your spiritual sibling's response.
>"Tell me, Dash, what did you do today?"
>Dash scratches at her spectral mane. "I dunno. Kicked some clouds, slept in some trees, the usual."
>"Oh yeah? That's nice."
>Twilight suddenly slams both front hooves onto the table, eliciting a frightened squeak from a nearby yellow pegasus.
>"I turned one of my friends, who also happens to be Equestria's only human, into a vicious, bloodthirsty death machine! So |excuse| me if I'm having a little trouble dealing with that!"
>A painful silence falls over the group, before Twilight gives up and collapses into a heap against the table, head buried in her forelegs.
>"I'm an idiot..."
>You start an attempt to console her, but yield to Fluttershy when she drifts over to do the same.
>"It's alright, Twilight. We'll figure this out."
>Twilight barely reacts to the yellow hoof rubbing her shoulder, tilting her head up to stare blankly forwards.
>The sudden explosion of pink in her entire field of view however has a decidedly different effect, causing her to jump back a bit.
>"Yeah! Just focus on how happy Anony'll be when we throw him a 'Welcome Back from Being a Terrifying Beast' party! Ooh, and I know just the kind of cake to make for that! It'll be great!"
>Twilight can't help but crack a small smile at the party pony's straightforward thought processes.
>"Yeah, sorry Twilight", Dash says, now scratching at her head for an entirely different reason, "I guess we're all a little on edge with Anon out there running around as a were–"
>You frantically wave your arms past one another in the hopes of stopping the comment before it was too late.
>"...As a big, wooden... dog... guy."
>You breathe a short sigh of relief.
>Twilight seemed to be in much better spirits as well.
>"Thanks, guys. Sorry I exploded like that. And you're right, Fluttershy, we |will| figure this out; together, like we always do."
>The warmth exuding from each pony's responding smile is almost too much for even a dragon to bear.
"Alright, enough sappy apologies. Let's get back to the plan."
>"Right."
>Twilight picks up the mostly blank paper and scans it again.
>"First thing's first, we need to figure out how to capture Anon."
>"Seems like th' most obvious solution to catchin' a loose critter would be tah build us a right sturdy cage."
>"Definitely a solid idea, Applejack, but I don't know if we have the time to build a cage that big. I want to stop Anon before he causes any serious damage to the town or its inhabitants."
>Dash speaks up again, now more reserved, but still noticeably sarcastic.
>"Can't you just, iunno, magic up a cage for us to use?"
>Curious, you scratch at your chin before heading towards one of the bookcases you know you saw something related to the task at hand.
>You can hear Twilight regaining her default level of snark in her response.
>"You know, I can't always just 'magic up' a solution to all our problems. Magic is very precise in its–"
"Here ya go."
>The thunk of the dusty tome you toss onto the table in front of Twilight halts her derision mid-sentence.
>She dusts off the cover and reads the title aloud for the benefit of everyone present.
>"Enchanting Entrapments: A reference guide to all your caging, trapping, and binding needs."
>She takes a moment to ruminate on the convenience of the book's existence.
>"Alright, so I |can| magic up a cage," she finally responds, unable to hide a light smile at the situation, "but that still leaves the problem of getting him |into| it. For one thing, we don't even know where he |is| right now."
>The air stills as the group thinks.
>Shortly, the pony of Apple breaks the silence once more.
>"Oh, ah know, I'll go round us up a mob!"
>Twilight raises an eyebrow.
>"A mob?"
>"Yeah! Boy, we ain't had one o' them in ages. I know just the folks who'd love to–"
>"AJ, we don't need a mob to track down Anon."
>Applejack's enthusiasm deflates a bit.
>"Aw... but we |never| git to have mobs anymore. Ah... ah miss it, ya'know?"
>Twilight sighs, putting a hoof to her head.
>"Fine. Gather up your mob. But we're calling it a 'search party'."
>"Yee-haw! I'll be back before ya know it with the rowdiest, most rabble-rousin' mob ya'll ever seen!"
>The delighted farmer's hat barely stays seated on her head as she races out the door, Twilight calling after her.
>"Be careful! And it's a |search party|!"
>Turning back, she emits another sigh.
>"Okay," Rainbow starts, "we got the cage, we got the 'search party'," the phrase said with exaggerated air quotes, "what else is there?"
>Twilight looks back at the unchanged list, as if expecting something new to have written itself down.
>"I guess all we need now is something to lure Anon into the trap."
>Once more springing from nowhere, Pinkie throws a foreleg around the purple unicorn's shoulder.
>"You leave that to me."

---

"You sure about this, Pinkie?"
>The mane-six-minus-one cluster around you, collectively hidden in one of the bushes outside the library.
>In an open part of the street ahead sits a small plate of cookies, innocuously placed beneath a giant shining purple energy cage floating some distance above.
>"'Course I'm sure!" the pink partier whispershouts, "Double White Fudge Chocolate Rainbow Kersplosion cookies are Anon's favorite!"
>Rarity turns to her friend, the velvety bliss of hearing her words in no way diminished by her whispering.
>"Did he actually |tell| you they were his favorite, or are you just assuming they are?"
>"They're everyone's favorite!"
>"That's not quite what I asked."
>"It doesn't matter," Rainbow interjects, "that cage is lit up like a beacon. No creature in Equestria would be dumb enough to get caught by it."
"Quiet you guys!" you hiss, "I think I hear something coming."
>The group goes quiet, leaving only the rustling of nearby foliage.
>A figure approaches the plate cautiously.
>"Is that him?" Rainbow asks.
>"I'm not sure," Twilight responds, "it's too dark to make out from here."
"I don't think so, it looks too small to–"
>Pink Excite cuts you off by basically jumping on your head, frantically shoving at Twilight.
>"He took the bait! Now!"
>Without completely meaning to, Twilight's horn flickers out, and the cage falls with a heavy clang.
>Pinkie leaps into the air, one foreleg thrust skyward.
>"Wahoo! We got 'im!"
>The group clambers out of the bushes and races over to the cage, Twilight and Rarity's horns casting light on their catch.
>Unfortunately, it turns out the creature that had fallen into the trap was not the transformed terran.
>Rainbow is the first to show displeasure at this discovery.
>"Aaww, dangit Derpy! What are you doing in there?"
>"Oh, hey guys! I found some street cookies. Also, where'd this cage come from?"
>"Derpy," Rainbow sighs, "Those weren't for you."
>The unusual elation given her current predicament finally fades from the scattered pegasus.
>"Aw... but they're my favorite."
>"Told ya!"
>You suddenly notice Pinkie sitting inside the cage next to the gray-coated mare, munching on one of the cookies and offering another to her new cellmate.
>You're slightly distressed that no one even questions that.
>"Regardless", Rarity picks up, "we needed them as bait for use in this trap."
>"What fhor?" Derpy questions through a mouthful of cookie.
>"We were trying to capture Anon," huffs Rainbow, "because |somepony| turned him into a rampaging wooden beast."
>"Ooooh, okay! Well then you guys are lucky; he's right over there."
>"What?"
>Before any of you can follow one half of the absent-minded pony's line of sight to somewhere beyond the group, a terrifyingly close roar pierces the air.
>The lot of you turn around to find a very large, very angry collection of timber closing in very fast.
>Rainbow deftly takes charge of the situation.
>"Scatter! He can't eat all of us at once!"
>The five liberated ponies take off in all directions, while you stand your ground.
>Not intentionally, of course; it seems your legs had suddenly decided to revolt against any signals you sent them.
>Unable to do any more, you cover your head with both claws and await the end.

>Interestingly enough, the end sounds a lot like a giant wooden wolf creature crashing facefirst into a magic fence.
>Looking back, you find Anonymous had apparently overshot his leap by about 1.2 baby dragons, knocking his would-be prison over from the impact.
>You take a moment to think about how awesome it was to be short, while a panicked pegasus and still confusingly ecstatic earth pony scurry away from their binding, which itself quickly flickers out of existence.
>But there would be time for reveling in your miniaturism later; the coup staged by the city-states of Leftlegopolis and Rightlegton was finally quelled under the might of the Kingdom Of Brain, their electric army unstoppable in the face of– okay seriously enough fancy metaphors just run like holy shit he's right there are you stupid
>You do your best Rainbow Dash impression since Discord's first arrival and tear away from the recovering horror.
"Twilight! Make another cage! Get him before he gets us!"
>The worried tone of her response does not put you at ease.
>"But the spell takes a full minute to cast and can't be moved! We need him to be in one location long enough! That's why we were using bait in the first place!"
>"|Of course| it does! "Rainbow shouts from above, "Just cast it somewhere, egghead!"
>"But what about bait!?"
>"|I'm| the bait!"
>Though it's hard to totally pay attention while running for your life, you see Twilight's horn light up, as a vague swirl of purple mist starts to coalesce in the air nearby.
>Rainbow swoops in and lands directly underneath it, standing on her hind legs and cupping the front two around her mouth in preparation to shout.
>"Hey Anon!"
>The beast's attention is drawn to the side, but unfortunately he does not yet break off his pursuit.
>"Twilight Sparkle is worst pony!"
>The wispy outlines of the ethereal cage dissipate a little.
>"What?!"
>Bizarrely, the savage sequoia skids to a halt, staring daggers at the the rainbow rusemare, who in turn looks at the confused caster, a deadly serious look in her eyes.
>"Keep going!"
>Still moderately unsure, Twilight redoubles her focus on manifesting the luminous capture device.
>Rainbow proceeds to roll into some kind of strange, almost otherworldly mocking tirade of her bewildered friend.
>"Purple Spazmo couldn't socially awkward her way out of a wet paper bag without the help of her miserably few friends! It's a wonder she ever goes outside at all; without them she'd probably be a permanent basement dweller, whittling away her life in a fortress of perpetual loneliness!"
>You eventually make your way over to the increasingly distressed purple pony, resting on your knees to catch your breath.
>"You know," she starts, "I'm more than a little confused about what's happening right now!"
>"Hmm... I think I understand her gambit."
>That familiar, diamond-marked image of perfection steps out of a nearby bush, carefully cleaning a few leaves from her expertly coiffed mane.
>Twilight remains irked in her response.
>"Then by all means, please, enlighten me."
>Rarity ignores her tone, knowing it wasn't directed at her so much as the situation at large.
>"She knows Anonymous is too far gone to respond to logic or petty insults at his own character, so she attacks something he cares about on so deep a level that he may not even truly be aware of it himself."
>"Well if that's the case, why in the world would she be talking about... me... oh dear."
>The realization hits her like a fully loaded moving carriage, and the half-solidified cage starts flickering again.
"Focus, Twilight!"
>She shakes her head free of any unwarranted thoughts.
>"Right, sorry."
>"The only reason she has any friends at all that aren't |books| is because some sparkly sun princess straight up kicked her out of the town she lived in, thinking so highly of her that she instead sent her to some backwoods crudhole situated on the scenic edge of an untamed death forest!"
>"Still," Twilight complained, "I'm having a little trouble keeping it together under this kind of personal onslaught."
>"You know she doesn't mean it, dear," Rarity assuaged, "it's all part of the plan. Look."
>Sure enough, Rainbow's tirade had the full attention of the leviathan larch, who stared her down in anger, growling and creeping slowly closer.
>"Even the few friends she |did| manage to make are reflective of her own failed life; you got a pegasus that can hardly fly and is afraid of her own shadow, a pink loudmouth that never shuts up, a country bumpkin who's life goal is to kick trees all day, a prissy marshmallow who cares more about dresses and fashion than she does anypony around her, and a weather pony who |seriously| hopes that cage is almost ready!"
>Rarity's relatively light demeanor droops somewhat.
>"Though I can begin to see where you're coming from."
>Twilight can barely contain a snicker before responding to the anxious aggravator.
>"Just a few more seconds!"
>Clearly having had enough verbal defamation, Anonymous scratches off like a shot towards his sky blue target.
>Rainbow is visibly distressed at this action, but holds firm, ready to take off at a moment's notice.
>Twilight strains harder next to you in an effort to speed up the spell
>"Almost... there..."
>The tension in the air was nearly tangible, as you watch the distance between predator and prey rapidly shrink.
>Then, you hear a faint click.
>"It's done!"
>"Got it!"
>Just as Rainbow prepares to leap dramatically out of the way, the beast suddenly digs his claws into the ground and skids to a halt mere inches outside the cage's target area.
>"What the?"
>With a calm defying his previous demeanor, the arbor abomination looks up at the purple energy construct, then back at its hook with an unimpressed expression; as far as you could tell, anyway.
>"Ah, ponyfeathers! I knew this wouldn't work!"
>"Maybe you didn't lay it on thick enough!" Rarity offers.
>"I think she laid it on |plenty| thick, thank you!" Twilight replies.
>Weretimbernonymous casually glances at the new source of bickering, and you very suddenly remember the direness of the situation.
>Dread wells up in you as the walnut werebeast realigns his attention and races towards the three of you.
>In a panic, you scatter away from the locale of certain doom, but a very familiar scream arrests your flight.
>"Rarity!"
>You turn to find a scene you never wanted to see in a million lifetimes; The pony who meant more to you than any other, pinned underneath a snarling spruce.
>"Gah! Get off me you ruffian!"
>Your mind raced. You had to do something before it was too late.
>You spot a sizable stick, and pausing for only a few milliseconds to wonder if it might have at one point been attached to Anonymous, pick it up and lift it high above your head.
"Hey!"
>Anonymous glances back.
"Get away from her, you birch!"
>With all the strength your tiny body can muster, you heave the stick at the ferocious fir.
>Both he and Rarity follow the stick with their eyes as it sails right past his head, landing in some bushes beyond.
>You stomp the ground in irritation.
"Darnit!"
>Unbelievably, the hulking hemlock jumps off of your desire, bounding after the stick and disappearing into the brush.
"Uh, what?"
>Shaking off the confusion, you waste no further time and rush to her side.
"Rarity, are you okay?"
>You help her to her hooves, a gesture that she receives with a smile.
>"Well, it'll take me a week to fully wash the smell of wolf breath out of my mane, but I seem to be alright, thanks to you."
>She nuzzles against your cheek, and you soak in the experience, not even caring about that wolf smell she was talking about.
>Pulling away, she looks in the direction Anon disappeared to.
>"Though I do wonder why he reacted that way."
>"Maybe his animal instincts took over."
>You both look back to see Fluttershy, along with the rest, gathered at your location now that the threat of dismemberment was not looming immediately nearby.
>Rainbow again took to questioning the finer details of the situation.
>"Maybe, but he's a timberwolf, not a dog, right?"
>"Well, timberwolves |are| related to dogs, strange as it might sound."
>"Okay, but is 'chase the stick' even actually an instinct thing?"
>"Um... well... I'm not sure..."
>Fluttershy's quiet fumbling gives way to another startled shout as something very heavy hits the dirt just behind you.
>Terrified of what you know is there, you slowly turn around.
>Anonymous sits before you, his imposing stature still towering over the entire group.
>The stick is held in his mouth.
>He drops it to the ground and looks at you expectantly, wagging his twiggy tail.
>Cautiously, you bend down and pick the stick up again.
>He follows it intently with the glowing green misty orbs that served as his eyes.
>You toss the stick out into the street, and he bounds off after it again, barking cheerfully.
>You take this reprieve to scratch your head in curiosity.
"Huh. I guess he is kinda like a dog."
>Returning with the limb in tooth, Anon drops it again and leans down next to you.
>You scratch at one of the pieces of wood behind his ear, an action he seems to enjoy.
"Who's a god boy? Who's a big, scary monster boy?"
>Content with his praises, Anon lifts back up into his previous calm sitting position as Twilight poses a question.
>"Well this is great and all, but I don't understand why he suddenly changed his behavior so wholly. I mean, right when he transformed he wanted to |eat| the both of us."
>A sudden hacking from the baffling beast startles the whole group, and eventually he coughs up what looks like the gruesome remains of a rabbit.
"I hope that wasn't Angel."
>Fluttershy does a flying tackleslide into the ground, skidding to a halt with her horrified visage inches away from the matted chunk of fur.
>She quickly drops face after taking a closer look, standing up back in her normal level of nervous calm.
>"No, Angel bunny's fur is white. This was a grey rabbit, at least I think..."
>She carefully prods at the remnants, oddly casual at the obvious death of an animal.
>You suppose she probably was well familiar with the ways of nature, and how predators survived.
>Though that does raise another question.
"So wait, just one rabbit was enough for him? I mean, he's a pretty big, uh, you know."
>Anon coughs again, a puff of small white feathers emanating from his mouth.
"...Alright, a rabbit and a chicken. But that still doesn't seem like–"
>"Spike!" Twilight interrupts, "Please stop, before he coughs up somepony's tail or something."
>Anon wheezes a few times like there's something long and stringy caught in his throat, as you all look on with anxious fear.
>Eventually, he clears it and waves a paw back and forth, signifying completion.
>There's a collective sigh of relief.
>"One thing's for sure, I'm going to have an interesting letter to write to the Princess once this is all over."
>"Uh, no offense Twilight," Rainbow starts, "but how would that even |go|?"
>She raises her hooves and takes on a flat, semi-mocking tone.
>"'Dear Princess Celestia; Today I turned Anon into a horrifying beast. He tried to eat us. He's better now. Your faithful dork, Twilight Smarthorse.'"
>Most of the group giggles lightly, save for Twilight.
>Though after a moment even she starts to chuckle, too relieved that the danger had passed to be bothered by any light derision.
>"Alright, well. We still need to find a way to return Anonymous to his original form. He can't stay like this forever."
>You turn back to Anonymous, who now laid on his back as Pinkie rubbed his belly with her hooves.
"Why not? He's certainly friendlier this way, at least when he's not hungry."
>Twilight regards his canine antics with a small smile before continuing.
>"Be that as it may, none of us really have the means to take care of any huge wooden monsterdogs right now. I mean, out of all of us, only Applejack even has a dog, and I don't think- wait. Where |is| Applejack?"
>At that very moment, the orange apple-marked pony in question crests a nearby hill, a strange glow emanating from behind her.
>"Hey ya'll! Ah brought the mob!"
>Twilight doesn't skip a beat.
>"Search party!!"
>"Whatever! C'mon everypony, he's down there!"
>Charging forwards, the source of the light becomes apparent, as a huge group of ponies, easily 100 strong, floods over the hill behind her.
>Many of them tote torches or pitchforks, though there's a few overachieving members carrying both.
>"Oh no."
>As the rambunctious crowd nears, Anonymous rapidly rolls over to an upright position, flinging Pinkie away.
>He gets into a low defensive stance and starts growling, backing away from the encroaching ponies.
>You can only watch the short-lived peace fall apart around you, while Twilight takes to trying to manage the crowd.
>Though as their incoherent shouting only becomes more intense and less intelligible, you figure she's not doing so great.
>Anon wasn't faring well either, for that matter; his focus darted back and forth across the crowd, what you at first assumed was fury very obviously closer to terror.
>But what in the world would a huge vicious beast like him have to fear from a few ponies carrying pitchforks and torches?
>...Wait, fire! Wood's natural enemy! Of course!
>You kinda wish you knew that earlier, come to think of it.
>But you could sort out the shouldas and wouldas later; right now some kind of action had to be taken, before either opposed party hurts the other.
>And thanks to your excellent ability to see the obvious, you notice just where the bark-coated behemoth had backed up to.
"Twilight!"
>Still trying to quell the sea of raging ponies, your harried housemate looks back to see your frantic gesturing towards Anonymous.
>She picks up on it as quickly as you knew she would, and her horn lights up.
>The forgotten cage comes crashing down around Anonymous, sealing him off from potential harm or harming.
>The crowd notices as well, their ranting quickly morphing into a cheer.
>You can see Anonymous confusedly look at his predicament, before slapping a pine paw to his face.

>After a bit of calming and sorting, the six of you stand between a caged Anonymous and one proud hat-wearing earth pony, as well as about half the town.
>Twilight sees to giving out congratulations.
>"Applejack, what in the world are you doing?"
>The farmer's pride droops a bit.
>"Whuh? I brought the mo–  uh... the search party!"
>Twilight's irritation does not subside.
>"They have pitchforks and torches! What kind of search party has pitchforks and torches!?"
>Applejack fumbles around a bit.
>"Well, ah, it is pretty dark out..."
>"And the pitchforks?"
>"I thought we was comin' to bale some hay!" speaks up a random pony from the crowd.
>"You did not!" Twilight angrily barks back.
>"Yes I did!" He wittily retorts.
>"I thought you said  you wanted to 'stab somethin' real fierce like'," a second mob pony nearby questions.
>"Sssh!" He ssshs.
>"Alright enough!" Twilight finally shouts, clearly sick of this rigamarole. "Look, the fact of the matter is we had the situation under control before you all got here."
>Applehat scratches the back of her head awkwardly.
>"Ya did?"
>"Yes, we did."
>"...Ah shoot. Ah'm sorry everypony."
>Twilight sighs the rest of her anger away.
>"It's alright, Applejack. I know you were just trying to help, in your own way."
>The downcast pony perks back up a little at the acceptance of her apology.
>"But if you |really| want to help," Twilight continues, "you can help us figure out what to do with Anonymous now that he's been captured."
>A different voice in the crowd is the first to offer a suggestion.
>"Burn him!"
>Any amount of calm that had returned to Twilight's mind and expression very quickly left her as the entire crowd started shouting for the immolation of your friend.
>Anonymous seemed to pick up on the tone of the atmosphere as well from his barking.
>"No! We can't |burn| him! That would kill him!"
>The same voice responds over the others.
>"Yeah! Kill him!"
>Once more, the rest of the crowd vehemently agrees.
>You couldn't help but think it strange that the townsponies were currently whipped into a bigger bloodlust frenzy than even Anonymous was at any point.
>Maybe it was time to move back to Canterlot.
>"Stop! We're not killing anyone or anything! What's wrong with all of you!?"
>Slowly, the furious yelling peters out as the purple public speaker stomps out the flames of unfocused rage.
>"I know he |looks| like a mindless killing machine, but buried under that is our friend Anonymous!"
>Unfortunately, the crowd appears to disagree.
>"He's not really |my| friend."
>"Isn't he that guy that spends most of his days annoying ponies around town?"
>"Yeah, he's kind of a jerk."
>"Kill him!"
>Before the group can get riled up again, Applejack herself turns and tends to the situation.
>"Dagnabbit, Mob Mentality, if you don't shut yer pie hole ah'll come back there and buck it clean offa ya!"
>"...Sorry," the voice replies meekly.
>"Okay," resumes Twilight, "So not everypony is on great terms with Anon. Believe me, I know how he is; I'm his favorite target." Her voice lowers. "Though new information has recently come to light on the possible reasoning behind that." She picks back up. "Regardless, that is no reason to bring him harm, even in a transformed state such as this."
>You figure this is as good a time as any to provide backup.
"Yeah, Twilight's right! Besides, he's not really dangerous now; he won't hurt anypony."
>As a show of good faith, you reach through the bars and pet the bark of his head.
"See?"
>You hear a faint crunching noise, like that of wood clamping down on scales.
>Looking back, you find your arm up to the elbow is obscured by Anon's splintery teeth.
"...Yeaaahaahahahaaa! Killitkillitkillit!!!"
>You desperately pull at your arm, ignorant of the shouting starting back up behind you.
>Thankfully, a purple aura pries the jagged jaws open, allowing your freedom.
>You check over your arm for signs of damage as Twilight once again assuages the mob.
>"Alright, look! There's gonna be no more of that until we find a solution to this problem that |doesn't | involve burning, chopping, hacking, or otherwise destroying Anonymous!"
>"And how are we going to do that?" Rainbow asks, advancing from the sidelines.
>"We start by trying every curative spell I know, to see if they have any effect."
>"Aww, but that'll take all night!"
>"Sorry Dash, but that's how science works. Solutions don't just fall out of the sky."
>Just then, a dark blue alicorn falls out of the sky, landing near the iridescent cage with a majestic thud.
>"Perhaps we could be of assistance."
>"Princess Luna?"
>"Kill her!"
>"Mob ah swear tah her sister!"
>Twilight continues her inquiry unperturbed, after a short bow.
>"What are you doing here?"
>"We were on our nightly patrol of the woods when we happened upon a particularly large timberwolf. Normally this is not an unusual occurrence, as we are aware of this creature's ability to combine and grow larger in certain situations. But one detail caught our attention."
>"What's that?"
>Luna gestures a gilded hoof at Anonymous, currently busying himself by gnawing on one of the magical bars of his entrapment.
>"Timberwolves do not wear pants."
>"Thank the stars for elastic waistbands," comments Rarity.
>"At any rate," Luna continues, "while watching several of your collective antics from afar, we believe us to have a solution to this predicament."
>Only appearing slightly miffed at the revelation that the night princess could have stepped in at literally any moment before now, Twilight shows confusion.
>"You do? But how?"
>"It is no secret that we wield full control over the moon, and therefore extend a modicum of control to any creatures inexplicably tied to it, such as weretimberwolves."
>Anon suddenly howls at the sky from within his confines, drawing the attention of most present.
>Luna turns back to Twilight, her stoic expression unphased.
>"Does he always do that?"
"Yeah," you intercept, "try not to say the W word."
>"Noted."
>With no further words, the midnight monarch turns towards her celestial body, concentrating intently.
>After a few seconds, she turns back once more.
>"It is done."
>There is uneasiness in the air, before Rainbow asks the important questions.
>"What's done?"
>"We have altered the color of the moon, from Titanium White, to Mountain Peak White."
>Rainbow shrugs. "Looks the same to me."
>"It is a very subtle change, but it is one we feel adds a much nicer aesthetic to the surrounding environment. It also more closely matches the drapes."
>"What drapes?"
>"All the drapes."
>The air grows tense once more, as no one else seems daring enough to question the diarch on her bizarre methods.
>Luckily it doesn't linger long, as soon enough Anonymous starts completely flipping out.
>He starts to bang against the walls erratically, as if he was suddenly wracked with a terrible pain.
>And with one final howl at the heavens, his body falls apart.
>At least that's what it looks like, before his original form is revealed to be standing amongst the debris.
>He staggers a bit before regaining sense of himself, and takes a quick survey of his surroundings.
>"...You know, I would ask why I'm standing shirtless in a pile of wood while inside a glowing cage in front of what looks to be most of the town, but I'm honestly afraid of what the answer might be."
>He glances over to the present princess.
>"Hey Luna."
>"Evening, Anonymous."
>"Huh," remarks Applejack, "well don't that beat all."
>She turns back to the crowd, who's been milling about for a time.
>"Alright, mob's over, everypony go home!"
>A chorus of disappointment results as they begin to disperse.
>Rainbow floats over to to speak for your closer friends.
>"Well, thanks for fixing everything and all that, Princess, but I think we're all gonna go home and get some sleep. It's been a long night."
>"We can imagine."
>The remaining ponies say their goodbyes, and before long it's only you, Twilight, Luna, and the still confined Anonymous.
>You notice Twilight looking at the ground a moment before regarding the hindered human.
>"Anonymous? There's a few things I'd like to talk about, if we could."
>Anon casually leans against one of the cage's crossbars.
>"Maybe later, Purple. Right now I think I need a drink or seven. I've got this weird, furry, feathery taste in my mouth that I would like to get out as soon as possible. Luna, you wanna hit a few bars or something?"
>"We believe that would be a most acceptable course of action."
>"Killer."
>Without a further thought, Anonymous clambers through the bars of the cage, his normal stature easily small enough to fit through.
>"Wait, hold on," Twilight starts, "When did you two get to know each other?"
>Anonymous puts a hand around the lunar noble's shoulder, to which she does not protest.
>"Look, when you spend a week mindswapped into someone's body, you tend to get to know a couple things about them. Like how to control the moon, for one."
>"If we are to recall, you never quite got that particular skill down, did you?"
>"Hell no I didn't. That damn thing was waning when it shoulda waxed and waxing when it shoulda waned."
>"You also knocked several stars out of place with it's erratic movements."
>"Psh, I was just making new constellations. Check it out."
>Following his pointing finger, you find a collection of stars that you never noticed before, which appeared to spell out the words 'Twilight is a stupid'.
>"I was gonna make it say 'stupid horse', but that must have been around when we got everything sorted out. I think it still gets the message across though."
>Much to Twilight's continued building surprise, Anonymous hops on Luna's back, just behind the wings.
>"Right then! Princess, if you would be so kind."
>Luna suddenly rears her forelegs into the air, before shouting a phrase you never though would originate from the reserved royal.
>"Onward to booze!"
>With that, the bizarre pair took off into the sky, fading from sight shortly.
>For a moment, you both just kinda stared blankly after them.
>Eventually you managed to bring yourself out of it enough to look over at Twilight, who still stared at the sky.
"Hey, Twilight...?"
>For the second time, you hear something you never would have expected.

>"I hate magic."