[RGRE] Jane the Cuddler

Nov 21st, 2015
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  1. Starts off with Durnk's green, which I expanded on. Afterwards, brandnewwritefag took over.
  2. >Day jail in Equestria
  3. >You are Anon and you're in a pony police carriage
  4. >You tried to pet the cute little police ponies and they arrested you
  5. >You arrive at the pony prison and are led inside
  6. >They make you take off your clothes
  7. >They see your dick
  8. >"Oh my, we're so sorry sir, there must have been some kind of mistake!"
  9. >You are fawned over by the guardsponies while the warden calls the ponice department
  10. >The officers that arrested you become the laughingstocks of the whole police system
  13. paste:
  15. >The Ponice Chief walks you to the door after you've had a chance to put your clothes back on.
  16. >She looks adorable in her little hat and shirt.
  17. >"Listen... 'Anonymous', is it? Will you be okay getting home by yourself?"
  18. "Yeah, I know which part of the city I'm in."
  19. >"You sure? It's getting pretty late, and Canterlot can be a dangerous place after dark."
  20. >Pfft, whatever, mom.
  21. >If you can get arrested for just molesting law enforcement, then Equestria can't be THAT dangerous after dark.
  22. >But she looks so worried and cute and oh gosh you want to pet all the widdle powise officews!
  23. >Keep it in your pants, Anon
  24. >You give her your best smile
  25. "Hey, I'm a big boy. I'll be fine."
  26. >"Listen, I can't really say something like this on the record as the Chief of Ponice, what with those new laws the Princesses put in place, but...."
  27. >She scuffs her hoof and doesn't look you in the eyes.
  28. >"Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Anonymous, but downtown Canterlot isn't safe for a stallion all by himself."
  29. "What's the worst thing that'll happen? Non-consensual cuddling?"
  30. >The Chief nods sombrely
  31. >"Exactly."
  32. >Sarcasm is apparently not a thing here.
  33. >"Just this month, we've had over twenty reports of stallions being hugged and snuggled against their will by mares."
  34. >"Many victims claimed that their assailant would gently rock them back and forth and hum a song until they fell asleep."
  35. >"Three cases even reported feeling a soft kiss pressed onto their heads just before they lost consciousness."
  36. >A few other officers have gathered around the two of you.
  37. >They can't risk losing another colt. Not again.
  38. >"Mr.Anonymous, after the grave error that the Canterlot Ponice Department has committed on you, please reconsider staying the night."
  39. >She's really struggling to keep a brave face for you.
  40. >"I'm not asking you as the Ponice Chief, sir. I'm asking you as the mare named Cuddle Wings."
  41. >Oh my god is that really her name?
  42. >You can't say no; and you don't.
  43. >Sleep tight, Cuddles.
  45. >You are Anon
  46. >You have decided not to take up the nice Ponice Chief's offer to stay the night, no matter HOW adorable her name is.
  47. >Cuddle Wings
  48. >Oh god birdpones are the bestpones
  49. >She was so fluffy
  50. >So here you are, walking in what you've since learned is the "Red Lamp District" of Canterlot.
  51. >Laughing stallions are playing with makeup and wigs
  52. >They've got crayons and parchment and widdle plastic tables set up for them to draw on.
  53. >You're allowed to draw with them or play board games, but only if you've got the bits.
  54. >They wave at you, and you wave back. They're probably the friendliest bunch of ponies in this city.
  55. >It's another five minutes of walking before you see it.
  56. >The body.
  58. >It's one of the crayon stallions from before.
  59. >Just when you were about to panic and run back to the ponice, the corpse snores and rolls onto his tummy.
  60. >Fuck's sake.
  61. >Sometimes you forget that murder isn't even a crime here.
  62. >Wars are fought with blunted spears and harsh language.
  63. >Well, whatever. Time to go home.
  64. >Lord knows THAT scare took a good few months off of your life.
  66. >"Stay righ' where yew are, col', innit."
  67. >Oh god
  68. >Somepony is nuzzling your knee.
  69. >"What's a col' like yew doin' aaaht so late at nigh'?"
  70. >You look down and see a mare dressed up in a black cloak and a very nice velvet top hat.
  71. >This whole situation is very strange to you, so you'll try to explain yourself to this mare.
  72. >Try to get some answers, you know?
  73. "What?"
  74. >God dammit Anon.
  75. >No wonder you don't have any friends.
  77. >"t's dangerous, yew know, especially wiv somepony like Jane da Cuddler on da loose."
  78. >She sits back on her rum and kind of arches her front legs out in front of you.
  79. >"OOOoooooOOOoooOOOooooOOooo"
  80. >This is fucking stupid.
  81. >You've had enough for tonight. You ignore the mare and continue on your way home.
  82. >She shouts something after you, but your tolerance for bullshit has reached its' limit after tonight.
  83. >What kind of world do you live in where you can't pick up law enforcement officers like toddlers and cuddle them against their will?
  84. >And you, who has done NOTHING wrong, is arrested and strip-searched.
  85. >This world is going to the diamond doOOF
  86. >Something light collides with your stomach, and you fall back more due to the shock than anything else.
  88. >" I don't fink so, friend! There ain't nopony in Can'erlot who can outrun The Cuddler. Sorted mate."
  89. >The pony with the top hat and terrible cockney accent is now sitting on your chest.
  90. >You're pretty sure she was the one who tackled you, if you had to guess.
  91. >This is actually the first time you've gotten a good look at her.
  92. >Her widdle costume is complete with fake glasses and taped-on sideburns.
  93. >Oh god she looks like something out a Tim Burton movie.
  94. >Fuck me, you love ponyland.
  95. >Even when the inhabitants are trying to struggle-snuggle you.
  97. "Aww, are you supposed to be dressed up as Jack the Ripper?"
  98. >Oh your goodness she's doing that angry scrunchy face that Dash does whenever you boop her nose.
  99. >"Who da buck is Jack da Rippuh? Yew dummy, I'm Jane da Cuddler, an' I'll get 'uggle-snuggles aaaht ov yew whether yew like i' awer not."
  100. >Aww, okay. She's put so much effort into this whole thing, so you guess you'll play along.
  101. >You gasp loudly and try to look scared.
  102. "It's you! The ponice told me all about you!"
  103. >She smiles her terrible, adorable smile and reaches her forearms towards your neck.
  104. >Wait. Didn't Jack the Ripper slit his victim's throats before opening their guts and playing with their organs?
  105. >You don't think you want to play this game any more.
  107. >"Tickle tickle tickle!"
  108. >You can't help but squirm. How can she be so good at tickling when she only has hooves?
  109. >This goes on for a few more minutes before she turns around and trots over to your exposed tummy.
  110. >With a sinister smirk thrown back in your direction, Jane the Cuddler plants her hooves on your stomach and slowly, but firmly, begins to rub in a circle.
  112. >"Shhhhh shh-shh-shhh.... Bo Peep now, col'. Let Janey 'ave 'er fun. Yew'll be safe in ol' Janey's 'ooves. "
  113. >And with that, Jane starts humming a sleepy bedtime tune to you.
  114. >This is the best serial killing you've ever been a part of.
  115. >You can't contain yourself any longer.
  116. >"Oy, wha'? Put me down!"
  117. >You scoop the mare up and carry her like she were your bride.
  118. >She struggles pretty hard, but quiets down when you nuzzle her face.
  119. >Somepony's earned dinner and a cuddling from you.
  120. >As you later find out, serial "killers" in Equestria make wonderful snuggle pillows.
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