Starts off with Durnk's green, which I expanded on. Afterwards, brandnewwritefag took over.
>Day jail in Equestria
>You are Anon and you're in a pony police carriage
>You tried to pet the cute little police ponies and they arrested you
>You arrive at the pony prison and are led inside
>They make you take off your clothes
>They see your dick
>"Oh my, we're so sorry sir, there must have been some kind of mistake!"
>You are fawned over by the guardsponies while the warden calls the ponice department
>The officers that arrested you become the laughingstocks of the whole police system
>The Ponice Chief walks you to the door after you've had a chance to put your clothes back on.
>She looks adorable in her little hat and shirt.
>"Listen... 'Anonymous', is it? Will you be okay getting home by yourself?"
"Yeah, I know which part of the city I'm in."
>"You sure? It's getting pretty late, and Canterlot can be a dangerous place after dark."
>Pfft, whatever, mom.
>If you can get arrested for just molesting law enforcement, then Equestria can't be THAT dangerous after dark.
>But she looks so worried and cute and oh gosh you want to pet all the widdle powise officews!
>Keep it in your pants, Anon
>You give her your best smile
"Hey, I'm a big boy. I'll be fine."
>"Listen, I can't really say something like this on the record as the Chief of Ponice, what with those new laws the Princesses put in place, but...."
>She scuffs her hoof and doesn't look you in the eyes.
>"Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Anonymous, but downtown Canterlot isn't safe for a stallion all by himself."
"What's the worst thing that'll happen? Non-consensual cuddling?"
>The Chief nods sombrely
>Sarcasm is apparently not a thing here.
>"Just this month, we've had over twenty reports of stallions being hugged and snuggled against their will by mares."
>"Many victims claimed that their assailant would gently rock them back and forth and hum a song until they fell asleep."
>"Three cases even reported feeling a soft kiss pressed onto their heads just before they lost consciousness."
>A few other officers have gathered around the two of you.
>They can't risk losing another colt. Not again.
>"Mr.Anonymous, after the grave error that the Canterlot Ponice Department has committed on you, please reconsider staying the night."
>She's really struggling to keep a brave face for you.
>"I'm not asking you as the Ponice Chief, sir. I'm asking you as the mare named Cuddle Wings."
>Oh my god is that really her name?
>You can't say no; and you don't.
>Sleep tight, Cuddles.
>You are Anon
>You have decided not to take up the nice Ponice Chief's offer to stay the night, no matter HOW adorable her name is.
>Oh god birdpones are the bestpones
>She was so fluffy
>So here you are, walking in what you've since learned is the "Red Lamp District" of Canterlot.
>Laughing stallions are playing with makeup and wigs
>They've got crayons and parchment and widdle plastic tables set up for them to draw on.
>You're allowed to draw with them or play board games, but only if you've got the bits.
>They wave at you, and you wave back. They're probably the friendliest bunch of ponies in this city.
>It's another five minutes of walking before you see it.
>It's one of the crayon stallions from before.
>Just when you were about to panic and run back to the ponice, the corpse snores and rolls onto his tummy.
>Sometimes you forget that murder isn't even a crime here.
>Wars are fought with blunted spears and harsh language.
>Well, whatever. Time to go home.
>Lord knows THAT scare took a good few months off of your life.
>"Stay righ' where yew are, col', innit."
>Somepony is nuzzling your knee.
>"What's a col' like yew doin' aaaht so late at nigh'?"
>You look down and see a mare dressed up in a black cloak and a very nice velvet top hat.
>This whole situation is very strange to you, so you'll try to explain yourself to this mare.
>Try to get some answers, you know?
>God dammit Anon.
>No wonder you don't have any friends.
>"t's dangerous, yew know, especially wiv somepony like Jane da Cuddler on da loose."
>She sits back on her rum and kind of arches her front legs out in front of you.
>This is fucking stupid.
>You've had enough for tonight. You ignore the mare and continue on your way home.
>She shouts something after you, but your tolerance for bullshit has reached its' limit after tonight.
>What kind of world do you live in where you can't pick up law enforcement officers like toddlers and cuddle them against their will?
>And you, who has done NOTHING wrong, is arrested and strip-searched.
>This world is going to the diamond doOOF
>Something light collides with your stomach, and you fall back more due to the shock than anything else.
>" I don't fink so, friend! There ain't nopony in Can'erlot who can outrun The Cuddler. Sorted mate."
>The pony with the top hat and terrible cockney accent is now sitting on your chest.
>You're pretty sure she was the one who tackled you, if you had to guess.
>This is actually the first time you've gotten a good look at her.
>Her widdle costume is complete with fake glasses and taped-on sideburns.
>Oh god she looks like something out a Tim Burton movie.
>Fuck me, you love ponyland.
>Even when the inhabitants are trying to struggle-snuggle you.
"Aww, are you supposed to be dressed up as Jack the Ripper?"
>Oh your goodness she's doing that angry scrunchy face that Dash does whenever you boop her nose.
>"Who da buck is Jack da Rippuh? Yew dummy, I'm Jane da Cuddler, an' I'll get 'uggle-snuggles aaaht ov yew whether yew like i' awer not."
>Aww, okay. She's put so much effort into this whole thing, so you guess you'll play along.
>You gasp loudly and try to look scared.
"It's you! The ponice told me all about you!"
>She smiles her terrible, adorable smile and reaches her forearms towards your neck.
>Wait. Didn't Jack the Ripper slit his victim's throats before opening their guts and playing with their organs?
>You don't think you want to play this game any more.
>"Tickle tickle tickle!"
>You can't help but squirm. How can she be so good at tickling when she only has hooves?
>This goes on for a few more minutes before she turns around and trots over to your exposed tummy.
>With a sinister smirk thrown back in your direction, Jane the Cuddler plants her hooves on your stomach and slowly, but firmly, begins to rub in a circle.
>"Shhhhh shh-shh-shhh.... Bo Peep now, col'. Let Janey 'ave 'er fun. Yew'll be safe in ol' Janey's 'ooves. "
>And with that, Jane starts humming a sleepy bedtime tune to you.
>This is the best serial killing you've ever been a part of.
>You can't contain yourself any longer.
>"Oy, wha'? Put me down!"
>You scoop the mare up and carry her like she were your bride.
>She struggles pretty hard, but quiets down when you nuzzle her face.
>Somepony's earned dinner and a cuddling from you.
>As you later find out, serial "killers" in Equestria make wonderful snuggle pillows.