the depression is very much cleared and i just listened to buddy holly, i feel not only NORMAL but i see the need for young love very clearly

i feel the extreme requirement to fulfill young love

NONE OF THE PROBLEMS IN MY HEAD MATTER AT ALL RIGHT NOW

---i see life as a whole and shit as i'm supposed to, life feels good right now - this is how it's supposed to be
i see my childhood and entire life in perspective, i'm taking in all of my memories and combining them for motivation which i tried and failed to do while depressed
i only see the positives - let that sink in, even a small emotional sound effect from a song has a good effect on my mind which is otherwise unthinkable

I FEEL ALL OF THIS DEEPLY

IT'S LIKE BURNOUT 3

---it feels like i've entered reality again for a moment, and this as i'm typing feels like a reason to fight harder and longer

DO NOT GIVE UP

IT'S LIKE I HAVE A SUPERPOWER AT THE MOMENT, I'M MY OLD SELF AGAIN BUT ALL NEW AND IMPROVED

DO NOT GIVE UP
SINCERELY, YOUR OLD SELF THAT CAN SEE SHIT

I SEE IT MOTHERFUCKER
AND IT'S SO GOOD











finally, just a girl won't fix this is what i clearly see with my superpower - i need more, and what i see i need is a more positive environment both in terms of people and aesthetics AND i need to have another goal, a.k.a. GED
when i feel down a girl is the answer, and when i'm not organizing shit and improving life directly is the answer - which mental state sounds correct?
super important and god bless you, seriously


also, i'm thinking about how i'm not feeling it when wanting to ask a girl for her number though i feel great right now, i am contemplating and if i don't finish this i came up with jack shit
btw all of the girls i'm looking at have extreme value, they're fucking females for christs sake

remember that i keep experiencing bursts of the things below, even when i really want to feel some shit i feel like it never happens but it keeps happening more and more




i'm remembering "bluemoon1lwv.wav" and a starry night near childhood apartments near the mailboxes in the middle of the road

i see myself at night with a girl in a golf gti, driving down the rainy road with the windows down

i see myself with a girl at christmas in a well-decorated and atmospherically lit apartment

i see myself with a girl on a sunny and foggy morning near the elementary school bus stop/trailer park

i see myself at the ball park in the summer where some of the kids had purple jerseys, very vividly

i see myself walking down the road when i'm 5 in the summer towards that store that played 'funky white boy'

i see prison passage's sky with a girl in a rural area

i see the prison passage skybox near old pricechopper with a girl in gothic foliage

i see myself on the snowy roads with a girl my age

i felt myself in the yellow bathroom at night with bluemoov1vwv.wav outside on a starry night which gave off bm vibes

i see myself racing down fairview near old apt while this plays:   https://invidio.us/watch?v=ffT0hgBHM74

i see myself with my girlfriend who has red hair and a pink pigmentation who admits to me she dislikes her natural pigmentation which i tell her is fucking insane

i see nfs heat (which i want to see atm) and all the games i have in my catalogue and i'm taking all of that in for atmospheric purposes

I SEE MYSELF IN ODS'S HOUSE THEN LEAVING AT NIGHT TO GO TO LOWES (GET FUCKTON OF ATMOSPHERIC SCREENSHOTS)

C:\Users\Halagini\Pictures\WALLPAPERS\city life\wallpaper high rise restaraunt.jpg    - i see this quite clearly, look at the sky and the skyline that it accompanies

C:\Users\Halagini\Desktop\text\room\other\20190816_051346.jpg    - i see this atmosphere

i see myself on the subway confident as fuck and shit
https://invidio.us/watch?v=Vl70_PfiuXo  (0:30)
eric kirchmer
blond
green eyes
extremely pale
veteran of nyc

listening to unknown soldier i had to stop playing mw because i got a wave of nostalgia and perspective
prior to that the EA flash in mw made me feel myself as an adult as myself now, then near swannys place which felt right

i'm seeing all the positives of my generation and young life (i know what i'm talking about)

I FEEL LIKE A YOUNG ADULT ON TOP OF EVERYTHING EXPERIENCING LIFE

I REMEMBER HOW DANIELLE MADE ME FEEL, THIS CAN NOT ONLY BE REPLICATED BUT EVEN BETTER WHEN IN A RELATIONSHIP

THE AMAZING THINGS I FEEL THEN PUSH AWAY ARE REALITY AND NEED TO BE SEEKED
i had a total shock when 'rightside of the bed' albums cover had a redhead on it
this includes converse/ankle boots without socks - this is reality but i keep pushing it away when it comes up, why?

i just got a glimpse of the ultimate burnout 3 fantasy of sam harper + gloomy sky near lemon tree, it was special because i felt as if red is more obtainable than ever which is new - it's all matter of perspective, all struggle is
also imagining sam harper in the bronx - THIS IS FULLY OBTAINABLE, I SEE IT CLEARLY
remember danielle




----------------------------------part 2----------------------------------

i see it again right now to an extent, i do not feel sad and am happy about improving my life as i work on ged

envisioning that college work may not be bad at all

btw i can't go to college until i have a remote idea as to what i'm going for thus it has ZERO relevance

feeling a part of me is missing and having anxiety about hs/teen shit is solely due to never having experienced it despite having experienced middle school

furthermore, i never experienced any negatives of high school while having an equivalent deploma - 99% of people have to waste years in high school and i did not

GOING TO SCHOOL IS LEGALLY MANDATED
NOT ONLY DID I NOT GO TO HIGH SCHOOL BUT I AM EQUAL IN EMPLOYEMENT POTENTIAL TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO DID
A.K.A. I BEAT THE SYSTEM

stop idealizing shit, even in middle school i acknowledged if things were normal i would have enjoyed it, the same would happen in hs where things would still not be normal

HOMEWORK IS FUCKING GAY
https://youtu.be/FcGdSnpSFAY?t=739

i'm never going to go to a high school reunion and that's okay because i don't need it or them

i'm different and that's great

THINGS WILL NOT CONTINUE ONCE SHIT IS IN ORDER, THEY WILL BE EXACTLY THE SAME BUT BETTER THAN BEFORE

imagine a masculine male driving the honda civic while in high school
now imagine him doing so two years later and exactly the same but completely free

i never experienced being in my senior year on january while it's snowing out and the sky is a 5 am blue w/ 00s trends, knowing i'll be out of school soon and making $$$
the thing is that this doesn't matter with life in perspective

imagine feeling the same i did when i was a kid about life, nothing changing - coming of age as an adult but things are exactly the same
THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME EXCEPT I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE AND CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT

you know how i wanted to explore downtown in burnout 3?
imagine the game letting a five year old take control of the super type 1 and explore an extremely realistic city that's basically real life where you can explore, do anything, and have control over where you go unlike yourself as a kid
i can do this in real life

listening to this while looking at black mki classic logo hoodie, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKyOcQJZcuU&list=PLFrniyppjnhgPCi6SzLpe5niTmk_sZudq&index=15
C:\Users\Halagini\Pictures\asap rocky buckshot mki hoodie perspective.png    - what i saw
i feel like i'm out of high school with no issues at all as an adult with all things considered, there's perspective available
this is important because this is EXACTLY how i'm meant to feel, even looking at a girl next to it i felt completely normal as it's meant to be
feeling this + kirchmer's shit combined with my shit but still no issues is how i'm supposed to feel 24/7, that's normal and that's where i will be shortly
seriously this is important shit
finally i'm only considering the positives of myself compared to x (specifically trailer guy  - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gM3CLeqqss&list=PLFrniyppjnhgPCi6SzLpe5niTmk_sZudq&index=23)
not the negatives, the negative doesn't even have any relevance because it's all in my head, i feel it 0% right now, it's not even a consideration
it feels perfect




===NEGATIVES OF HS
-attendance is compulsory, as mandated by law
-wake up at 6 am for no reason to ensure you perform at less than a quarter of normal functioning
-hot/cold depending on season
-10s trends
-asking for permission to go to the bathroom like a dog
-niggers
-leftist teachers
-political correctness enforced (6th grade teacher saying not to use retard then explaining political correctness to the soon-to-be-brainwashed student)
-everything learned is arbitrary and has no value outside of the building
-homework which ensures your free time and a considerable amount of your life is eaten up for absolutely no verifiable reason
-children are cringeworthy and most are genetically inferior subhumans who have no idea what to do in their life and never will
-being trapped in an adult body but still in a place meant for kids to learn nothing

===POSITIVES OF HS===
-literally nothing that doesn't exist outside of hs, after all the positives existed long before education did



it's 6:20 and the windows in the living room are blue while it's cloudy out with a thunderstorm due
i feel my life in perspective as i desire red hair (looking at christy)
i feel yellow lit but blue sky outside nurses office, blue cloudy sky dollar general, and some suburban shit down near shoprite


after reading a reddit post asking 'should i chase a girl who blew me off' i felt my entire life in perspective, being alpha, and being happy

remember that a girl wants a boyfriend as much as you want a girlfriend
she is to you what you are to her
i feel red creep wearing s/s saying "oh, he's my boyfriend" to someone at the counter

as a side note, when i imagined dark red + end guitar riff, that was the same exact thing i'm feeling now back then - idealized, but with more emotion obviously


https://invidio.us/watch?v=leDLtQHFzKE
imagine thousands of females submitting girlfriend applications
now comprehend this is what happens on a biological level when females show their interest in you


https://invidio.us/watch?v=-qKjLJBoD3Q
the bella twins appeared in the music video for this song when they were 18
what my life led up to is being wasted
HURRY THE FUCK UP CUNT



even if things change for the negative in life (think future as a kid as extreme example) it doesn't stop the good and it never will because the good is biological pleasure which can be triumphed by nothing

when you remember the positives clearly, the negatives stop being relevant because the good is overpowering




FINALLY, I IDEALIZE HS LIKE I IDOLIZE MY CHILDHOOD AND HL2 BETA CONCEPTS
IT'S NOT REALITY
when i imagine 90s/00s + hs i'm envisioning my childhood combined with being older, it's not reality
but when listening to the nobodies while looking at bull + amanda, now is the time
the best time is now, which is clear when my mind is clear (as i am typing this)

IMAGINE LIFE NOT GOING AS PLANNED BUT NOT GIVING UP AND NOT LOSING HOPE CUNT
(jimmy + christy + defend the castle + in front of the cs hs near the pillars on a blue and gray cloudy morning)
EVERYONE GOES THROUGH STRUGGLE, IT'S VITAL TO NOT LET IT DESTROY YOU

you idealize hs (as portrayed in bully) as an example of youthful vigor, energy, discovery, and overcoming hardships, but the reality is it has nothing to do with school

look at cr1tikal's channel and how it evolved
look at dunkey getting married
people are growing, time is progressing and life is good



----------------------------------beta shit----------------------------------

i just considered how i would be presented wearing nfs heat inspired jackets + sambas in real life in manhattan which made me feel good with no other relevant issues at all, not a single thought of any kind


any insecurity stems from caring about things that don't matter over things that do - see thenathanns leaving in unedited errors while reading the script, it doesn't affect anything - views won't change, people don't give a shit because it's not the point of anything

notice how in nfs heat nobody has a very deep voice because that shit doesn't fit

i just saw eric kirchmer on my body and it felt good with no issues, this will return and be the one true case

imagine this someone insecure about having a foot fetish being afraid to tell their girlfriend out of fear for a negative reaction but in reality if they're confident and normal about it nothing will happen
same applies for literally anything

https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/cxdh07/im_just_gonna_come_out_and_say_im_scared_to_make/
"In my own skin I’m pretty confident, I have no other insecurities and I’m extroverted to a T."

https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/2krq6v/small_penis_i_am_out/
"I really don't care about it's size. Why? Because I realize there are so many more things to care about in life rather than sex. I like gaming, tabletop and video. I have other interests as well, life is so much more than just sex."
now imagine this from the perspective of x insecurity actually doesn't affect life at all which is my perspective and its relevance is literally zero

imagine someone insecure about their penis being uncomfortable when naked and cuddling, and unable to enjoy sex to its fullest when they should be enjoying these most
letting a dick you don't like ruin sex is blatantly absolutely unacceptable and this has been acknowledged previously
this doesn't mention that being insecure about your dick makes you a bitch and a non-male
so why can this be the case for any other insecurity
reminder that it feels so good to see others insecure about their dick but not myself

unrelated but i felt unshakable confidence and perspective when reading the comments for this video:  https://invidio.us/watch?v=NEXVQiN49V0

right now i'm feeling as if the negatives themselves don't matter - if nobody cares about me, if people don't like me then it doesn't matter at all because i have other things in my life beyond a contained bubble (in theory of course, right now that's not the case)

any time i encounter what should be a non-issue and it becomes the focal issue, attempt to understand an alternative perspective where it doesn't matter

after listening to starseed while looking at eric kirchmer, i feel extremely good about my face and also feel highly confident about hair/pigmentation
i imagine myself stabbing someone and in the bronx

notice how when getting a massage by someone who is a complete stranger i don't give a shit about my weight in the slightest

this is not normal and it's not how men act
it's not how i actually feel anyway

realize this:
foot fetishes carry a poor stigma at times, see dan schneider, and it makes me somewhat unhappy that this reputation can be projected onto everyone - what else can this be applied to?
realize that this doesn't matter especially because confidence triumphs all, a girl won't care if you don't but if you are insecure about it she'll be turned off - this applies to anything
what another perceives is completely irrelevant because it's untrue

finally:
any time i feel beaten down by something, it's because i've totally forgotten the positives and what it's like to experience them, which i acknowledge
however, i also feel as if what's beating me down is stopping me from obtaining the positives; but in reality it's exactly why what's beating me down can be defeated

the depression is the only thing stopping me from existing, not anything else in the world
you are simply projecting depression and the other thing onto other bullshit that has relevance to nothing
when i say i'm not living a normal life, it's because of the depression - this isn't normal






----------------------------------bully----------------------------------
in a time where i feel very strange due to never experiencing being a teenager and having no emotions i find myself looking at bully and seeing elements of my childhood, as well as strong connections with jimmy being an alpha loner who's at the worst stage in his life
feeling connected with jimmy reminds me of the positives of feeling connected to something which grounds me into existence on top of the game itself giving me positive feelings about youth, new england, anglo population, neo-gothic aesthetics, confidence, and more
keep in mind that rockstar is from the uk but bases itself in the u.s. combining anglos to america just like the games setting itself

i feel some relations to jimmy and gary as they were very mature for their age, beyond their peers mentally, and lacked a lot of problems teenagers typically have, being more of their own person as opposed to 'finding out who they are' and being highly insecure
feeling little relations to other students that have typical teenage problems such as insecurities and such about non-issues (especially since i never went to hs) also makes me feel the same

part of the reason i don't feel like my age is due to a vital part of development being partially absent, from the typical perspective at least

typing this long after the above, i feel it again and i feel a sense of belonging to something grounded in reality ironically enough
(this makes it easy to imagine amanda stroking my palm and fingers while in beta maroon and while adolescent)





----------------------------------waking up from sleep----------------------------------
i just slept well and my mind is totally different, the normal depression isn't really evident
i feel normal and feel positive emotions right now including emotional ones

listen and imagine this
my father says "life is so good" while standing outside on the phone with me
i think about how disappointing it is i don't see this and think about how he would view this as being wasted
however, what i fail to realize is life RIGHT NOW is the same despite how poorly i feel, there's no magical waiting for ug/female to make it better - it can get better now with a different mindset
i am feeling positive shit right now that i haven't felt in awhile
(fyi i woke up with 'listen to your heart' in my head which is giving me nostalgia and reminds me of the positives of life which is powerful)

i feel old youtube, cs:s, and romance vividly right now and i feel as if i have it all in the proper perspective

listening to forgotten tomb in 2019 is no different than listening to forgotten tomb in 2004
red hair is identical in 2004 as it is in 2019
i will realize this as it clears


"All these comments are about feeling nostalgic and missing the good old days. I completely understand those feelings. But. Thing is, those days aren't gone. You're still living them,  just not realizing it. 10yrs from now there will be a moment when you look back on these days

happening now and you'll see what you miss was once right in front of you. Recognize what those things are and relish them. Live in the present!"
-comment from 1979 vid


----------------------------------doing shit----------------------------------
i'm not doing anything fast enough

my license took forever because of delays and my ged may be the next thing to take an unreasonable amount of time

BASICALLY FUCKING DO IT CUNT



----------------------------------burnout----------------------------------

while listening to cut licensed burnout 3 songs, i feel several things

(-a. i looked at a picture of myself near the hospital before this which invoked images of my life beforehand

(a. while looking at eric i am reminded of my status as a male

(b. while playing the b3 demo i feel rock in full perspective and i genuinely felt exactly how much i loved this shit back then, it was a very weird feeling

now i can feel the misty morning at old apt and it feels very special

when i listen to nothingface - beneath i can imagine what i would be feeling had i listened to this when i was young in downtown

burnout 3 is big, not in a dramatic way but in a reviving way

i just organized playlist and imagined father listening to final song (numetal instrumental 2) while i told him this is what i grew up with and it made me feel what i'm supposed to have been feeling

you need to also understand that the nostalgia i once felt years ago is life itself, i never actually stopped feeling what i felt as a kid, it's still there and will never die

while listening to memory by sugarcult while adding it to a playlist, i saw "i'm 20 now" in a comment and i felt something i had not felt in at least ten years - a completely foreign feeling, unlike anything i felt while documenting anything in this article
it made me almost sick, i had maximum 100% motivation with no depression at all
can't even begin to describe it, all i can say was it was truly different and 100x as intense from anything else i felt while writing here




----------------------------------nfs and self----------------------------------
imagine being in a nfsu style nu-metal environment with the ideal voice, ideal body, ideal face
compare how unideal a high pitched voice is compared to a manly one
i have literally every secondary sex characteristic to extreme degrees
you need to remember how you used to be mentally in terms of toughness and confidence, because that's default
http://archive.is/41SXx - "My point is that shit-talking in video games is present since the first online multiplayer game, and has never been a major issue since the mute button and the ability to grow up and ignore meaningless comments"

imagine yourself listening reversing while listening to ride (nt) while in leather blazer with matrix sunglasses

while taking in release by primer 55, imagine your father in C:\Users\Halagini\Pictures\nfsmw\nfsmw bmw m3 gtr beta yellow.jpeg
realize you are your father
hs was skipped entirely and so i immediately became a man, you are not perpetually stuck in hs
now look below



----------------------------------reason for existence----------------------------------
looking at yourself at your most attractive comes with the realization that you are made for attractive girls, and attractive girls are made for you
you are put onto this earth solely to be with an attractive female
acknowledge objective value

http://archive.is/iGfi7 - "2. Positive Outlook"

i may not remember this as i'm reading this but today i saw a girl at walmart i'd never seen previously, she looked like a russian model and took me by surprise because of her face which required almost a literal double take
at my best, this is the type of girl i am designed for, or whoever i choose

if a hot girl walked up to a single guy and offered him a casual relationship, he would take it regardless of whether or not he is attractive
same applies to girls, but high testosterone men are the equivalent

https://invidio.us/watch?v=_Tnh1j9SNj8
look at this video with dunkey and gf
they are objectively less attractive than myself and amanda
yet this nerdy ass motherfucker still found a female
you can see her touching him throughout the video, you know that shit would be crazy some years ago

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17160983
reading this makes me feel high perspective and value

like how ALL men, strong and weak, want to be dominant and in charge - ALL women want to be submissive and under the control of a man who is confident and strong enough to do so

"She bore a striking resemblance to her then-boyfriend, Greg — from their hair colors and complexions down to their facial expressions — and for years, people had commented that they looked related."  -  http://archive.is/1th0s

i want red creep more now that she's gone because of her pale skin and facial features, but i can get all that and better - the only thing she's got is temporary, and that is her blatant showings of interest

when i'm feeling maximum motivation, when my mind is clear, it's easy to see that what i want exists and i will get it
i'm really looking for myself in a girl, finding that just takes patience