Thread 2: Stories 1-15

Thread 2 archive: http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/15809561
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Applejack has been Alicorned, and not a day goes by that Celestia doesn't regret it!

There are a few ongoing themes:

>Everything is wrong with Equestria.
>Applejack attempts to ask Celestia a question, she reacts hilariously.
>The regular ponies are terribly incompetent.
>It's all Celestia's fault.
>Luna is steadfastidly avoiding doing princess work.
>Celestia needs her cakes
>All of the princesses do, in fact.
>The guards are incompetent because Shining Armor is a terrible captain of the guard.
>Shining Armor wants to be an Alicorn and feels unappreciated.
>Cadence doesn't notice.
>Twilight notices and is crazy protective... and can apparently punch cancer.
>Cadence can't do any princess stuff, and can't count.
>Discord made Fluttershy an Alicorn
>She can apparently counter his magic now
>Applejack's family doesn't know where she is.
and most recently
>Queen Chrysalis has a frighteningly limited vocabulary, and her government is essentially her commanding a bunch of changelings.

So go on and write some greentexts that fit the bill!

Old thread is here
>>15714689

Give it a read to get a feel for what's going on and try your hand at writing, they're pretty fun to do.
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"Applejack, a question, dear."

>Hark, be that the Solar Princess actually comin' tuh ME with a question?

"...you make it almost woefully difficult not to hoof you in the stomach sometimes, I just want you to know that. Now then, I'm afraid you're killing Spike. It's bad enough that he's undertaken being both your assistant and Twilights', but you've got him running back and forth so much he's made trenches in the floor."

>Ah, uh... Ah have no clue what y'all mean....

"Oh, you don't, do you? So it's not you that's got him racing laps to the kitchen with plate fulls of cake in claw? Cake with apple topping and apple drizzle?"

>...nuh-uh. Not me, princess.

"Applejack, I know that as an alicorn, you're no longer strictly bound to your element but you should at least continue to exercise its merit so--

*door bangs open and Spike staggers in*

>I can't take it anymore! I'm going mental! She's got me getting her cake every freaking hour! I won't do it again--I'd rather jump out the window! Being a pancake on the ground has got to be better than this!

"Spike, come here, sweetheart, it's okay, I was just chastising Applejack for treating you so cruelly. Don't you worry, she won't--"

>Applejack? No, I love working for Applejack, she actually treats me like somebody! It's Princess Luna! Ever since you gave her a piece of Applejack's cake as a prank, she's been hounding for it nonstop!

>...

"..."

>Y'all know what Ah'm 'bout to say next, right?

"...damn, dragons."
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>Okay...what in the unholy land of Tartarus is goin’ on here?!

>Tartar is a sauce, not a land, Applejack, even I know that! But welcome to the first ever Changeling tryout!

>Buh… they’re everywhere! What’re they doing?!

>I thought about what you said, about me needing a way to tell them apart, so I decided to let them do what they wanted and give them a name or position based off how well they do! Smart, huh?

>Chrysalis, look here, it’s a good idea, it really is. In buckin’ theory! Y’all have Changelings swingin’ from the drapes, that one of there’s makin’ eggs and Ah don’t even know how it’s doin’ that without a fire…

>Oh, there were plenty fires earlier but I put them out a while ago when it became clear none of them had a future in fire control.

>Aaaagh...

>See! I’m learning!

>...is that two Changelings f… fornicatin’ over there…?

>Quit making up words!

>Are those two Changelings havin’ sex on that pile of burnt cake?

>Yup! This whole thing started out as one big orgy, but it seemed that’s all they wanted to do so I decided to let the best pair keep at it and told the others to try something different.

>Urrrgh….

>Then the best ten will fight to the death and the winner will get a name! It’s a foolproof pl- what was that popping noise? Was that your eye?

>CELESTIA!

*from deep in the castle

“Not my proooobleeeem!”
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>Shining learned everything he knows from D&D
>Tries to order weaponry for the guards
>Nobody knows what bill-guisarmes, glaive-guisarmes, or guisarme-voulges are

>The royal guards' idea of checking whether things are safe is to prod them with a pole.

>Captain, you know there is no such thing as banded mail, and you know you can't put spikes in these kinds of armor!

"Bu-but the spiked-armor charger is my favorite character build! All you need to make it work is Improved Grapple and lots of strength, and-"

>No, shut up, shut up, shut up! If you looked at your precious rule book you would know the only thing fighters are good at is tripping over 10 feet with spiked chains, because the rest of the weapons are either replaceable with wizards or just plain useless! Tartarus, even the entire fighter class can be replaced with a wizard or cleric and nop0ny will miss it! And that's coming form an earth pony like me!

"D-does it mean you're going to give spiked chains to the earth pon-"

>NO! How many times I tell you? Earth ponies hold the line with spears while pegasi pepper the enemies with crossbows and unicorns with magic!

"Bu-but, there is no way to stop the enemies on track with only spears-"

>How many times do I also have to tell you? STOP PLAYING FIGHTERS USING ONLY CORE! DO I REALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU TO USE THE SPLATBOOKS, CELESTIA DAMN IT!

"Uh..."

>Stand Still, XPH page 51. That's what you are looking for.

"Yes, princess, I should start training the troops with- Uh... should I call a doctor for your eye?"

>Captain, I think it's about time you switched to Hyperspace Hyperwars. At least you'll learn how to count to over 50 and maintain line formations.

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>Shining Armor.

"Yes Applejack?"

>Why in tarnation are all the spells the guard know consist of telekinesis and fireball?

"Oh well thats real easy to explain, see most sorcerors tend to have a pyromatic bloodline trait meaning that all the guard that are unicorns have , have...why are you staring at me like that?"

>Shining, did you create a training schedule so yer guard is like hyperwave wars?!

"But you told me to!"

>FOR LINE FORMATION NOT TRAINING SCHDULES!
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>SHINING!

...Y-yes, A-Applejack?

>DO YA CALL THIS AN ARMOR?

....of course that's and armor

>Now...i see ya can tell what a proper armor is, now would you be a dear and tell me if THIS is proper armor?

but that's mare armor!

>would you like if i send you one of these days to battle with YER ENTIRE BUTT EXPOSED IN LEATHER UNDERWEAR.
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"But it helps with moral!"

>At the expense of the safety of our warriors specifically our female warriors!

"Fine, what would you suggest then?"

>Cover up the exposed parts, add in reinforcements here, here and here then add an articulated system along the spine all pruddy like for mobility.

"..."

>None of this is gettin through to ya is it?

"It is, I just...that covers up all the good parts though!"

>Shining.

"Yes?"

>Run

"Wh-what?"

>Vines erupt from the marble floor of the castle wrapping around Shining Armor surprising the stallion!

"H-hey! Lemme go!"

>Fraid I can't do that pardner

"Why!?"

>Since ya'll have sex on the mind Ah Figured Ah'd oblige ya neighborly like.

"Applejack what do you mean by that?"

>Applejack turns and starts to leave the barracks

"Applejack!"

>Have fun!~

"Wait thats an exit not a entrance!"

>A lock can be heard as the door closes shut cutting off the scream of anguish that emerges from the stallions horrified visage.
"Stupid Alicorn heat..."
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>So then I decided to just set it on fire, and you'd be amazed at how... Applejack! However are you?

>Not well, yer highness... not well...

>Cadence, problem with the administration, or your newest little project?

>All three.

>Ah.

>Cadence is a mite upset that Ah' passed a law sayin' Changelings can attend school.

>Well, she has had some bad experiences with them...

>She shot me, yer' highness.

>...beg pardon?

>She shot me. She charged up her horn, got ta' point blank, and shot me.

>Oh dear, are you alright?

>Ta' be honest, it was like havin' one of the Cakes youngin's give me a stern poke, actually.

>Well, I didn't give her the position for her firepower...

>She keeps threatenin' ta' overthrow me.

>...I didn't give her the position for her brains either.

>Why did ya'll hire her?

>She's an Alicorn.

>...The crystal empire is headed by a complete ninny because she jus happened ta' have wings an a horn....Ah blame-

>Oh stuff it.
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>"An' then I was like 'Wait a minute there, don'cha mean 'this', then explained to her, and she said no!"

"So what did she say?"

>"Irregardless, I could care less."

"...And then?"

>"AppleJack, really; for all intensive purposes, I really could care less."

"...I suddenly want to grab a dictionary, a thesaurus, and a chain. The urge to beat that Queen with all three is rising."

>"Ah hear that, Celly."
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> So yer serious 'bout this, Princess? Alicorns only?

> Yes, Applejack. I'm afraid I have to be adamant on this. It's how it's always been done, yea, the very foundation of our government.

> *muttering* An' no campaign funding cuttin' into yer cake budget ...

> Did you say something? Now please give me just one sweet, blissful moment to myself. I have a very important ca- ... er, c-conference, uh, coming up.

> Fine. Ah'll be in Ponyville if anypony asks.

> Would never cross my mind, dear Applejack.

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Fifteen minutes later, in the dignified silence of her personal solar, Celestia is carefully slicing up a towering four-tier paragon of cakehood.

Each tier, carefully sandwiched layers of tangerine and peach fairy cake, separated by just the right amount of custard to keep it moist, yet firm.

The entire thing soaked in fine orange brandy over weeks, and covered in delicious white marzipan, more richly decorated than the castle ballroom - even before the Changelings had their way with it. The theme is wisps of cloud, little alicorn cherubs and glowing sunbursts.

That Gustave LeGrand sure is a suck-up. But he does know his baking, and this will surely be worth diverting a third of the funds for the embassy in the Griffon Empire.

It even has a spiraling tricolor rainbow - looks like thin, translucent nougat - winding down the length of the thing. A delicious suck-up he may be - subtle he is definitely not.

This is practically a peacekeeping effort in itself. Why, Pinkie Pie might single-handedly launch an invasion on the griffons if LeGrand won another first in the National Dessert Competition. And with an entry such as this, how could he not?

"Better to eliminate this tasty point of contention from the contest", thinks Celestia, licking her lips while severing a section of the nougaty rainbow with her royal cake knife - edge honed to scalpel sharpness.

A faint snap is heard as the east-southeast eighth of the rainbow breaks off and lands on the section of cake beneath it. Celestia lets out a long-held breath.

> There will be cake in our time, and all is well with the world!

Now, carefully sliding the knife under the slice - a mere eighth, but she figures this one is worth savoring ... oh, so slowly. Now, carefully tilting and pulling the slice slowly out along a radial line ...

Celestia catches herself drooling slightly, and ... oh my ... Been a while since the chambermaids had to wipe up *those* stains!

Finally, her slice of cake hovers free of its delicious harbor. The flame-colored insides of the towering confection warm her like the very rays of her own sun. She stares down the slice, hovering in the grip of her pale yellow hornglow.

> Thank you, dear Applejack, for allowing me to have this moment.

She closes her eyes.

Leans in.

Opens wide.

> This is it.

From far below the castle, a shockwave blasts through the room, sending the cake slice to splat against the far window. A shrill scream rings in her ears:

> Cutie Mark Crusader Alicorn Costume Makers, YAY!

Trembling, Princess Celestia turns her eyes to the cake on its table.

> Oh, thank me. It's still good-

One leg gives way with a snap, and the world turns to treacle, as she watches the masterpiece of Gustave LeGrand tumble to the floor with a sad squelch.

> Ouch. Nice ta know y'all are ... eager ta help. Well, thankee kindly, lil' fillies! Now, if'n ya could just keep it down a mite from now on?

> Sure thang, sis! Now, are ya gonna come and say hi ta - what was that?

> Geez, what are you Applebloom, a mole?

> Scoots, moles are not deaf, you dodo! Anyway I think it was someone shouting "I blame you ..." Hey, where did Princess Applejack go?
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>Alright, Ah' think we've got it! Ya' have the basics of government down, right?

>I think so....

>Figured out an education system?

>Looks like it....

>And finally, ya' can read our writin'!

>Mostly....

>Now what're ya gonna do?

>Take over Equestria?

>....No. Jus'.... no. Bad. Bad bug monster. No. Nooooo.

>Please stop hitting me with the newspaper.

>Bad bug monster.
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>Look, what do you want from me? I don't have an actual kingdom! What am I supposed to do, annex this freaking ballroom?

"First off, Ah' am so proud of you fer' learning what annex means."

>Thanks?

"Second, iffin' ya' wanted this place, Ah would let you have it. This room is dead to me, and Ah' will probably explode it with an airstrike the moment yer' gone. Third, no. Ah' didn't expect ya'll ta' stay in here. There's plenty o' land out there in Everfree, and ya'll have the basic infrastructure now ta' get started on yer' own home, a kingdom ya' can call yer own!"

>...That's hard.

"Well, nobody said being a queen was gonna be easy."

>Yes they did. Everyone said that. Have you ever actually HEARD a fairytale in your life? Queens have it super easy."

"Well, those do tend ta' gloss over the particulars."

>You know what's easy? Shooting a bunch of ponies and taking their stuff. That's easy. This? This is hard. This is going to take MONTHS.

"...quite a bit longer than that, actually."

>See!? How am I supposed to deal with that? Look, just give me the Crystal Empire. Cadence sucks at that too, right? How much worse can I be?

"That corner of the room is still on fire. There is nothin' over there 'cept a giant marble statue. Think about it for a second."

>My people are gonna revolt if I even try it!

"What do ya' want me ta' do about it?"

>...Can I blame you?

"Ya' know what? Yes. Yes you can. Blame me fer' all of it. It's all my fault."

>Yay!
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>Hey Tia?

'Any closer and it's off to the moon with you. Spit it out.'

>Well princess, I was just wondering why we're aren't involved with other countries?

'How do you mean?'

>I mean none of them have tried to contact us or anything.

'Yeah, well when we keep getting threatened by some monster every month or so, you can see why they'd want to stay away.

>I see..

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>Well how are we going to deal with this little problem?

'erm, I know! lets ask my advisers!

>How many do you have?

'Three. I'll be right back!'

*a couple minutes later*

'Fire away, Applejack.'

>Sure. So, how do ya'll think we should go about handling this monster situation?

Adviser 1: 'I say we should beat our guards into shape, and have them patrol the wilderness, looking for monsters and the like.'

>I'm liking it, how about you?

Adviser 2: 'How about we give our citizens access to weaponry, and reward them with bounties?

>A bit risky, but it could work.

Adviser 3: 'I say we should kidnap a random off the street, tell him that he's our only hope, and shove him off into the wilderness and see what happens!

>Tia, where did you find this one?

'Somewhere off the street, he looked smart. He had cake too!'
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>Alright, no.

>C'mon, Shiny.

>Don't call me that. No. Not happening.

>It's a barren wasteland of snow, ya' don't even need it.

>She mind controlled me and nearly drained me to death. You all remember that, right? Am I the only one who remembers this? Is she mind controlling you all right now? You're seriously asking me to LET MY RAPIST SET UP SHOP NEXT DOOR!?

>She says ya' weren't even that good in bed....

>Oh, I'm sorry, maybe my performance was affected by my total zombification and lack of energy due to BUG MONSTER DRAINING.

>Yeah, Applejack! I'm sure Shiny's great in bed!

>Twilight, not helping.

>...Cadence said okay.

>Buffalo shit. There is no Luna-damned way she approved that. I refuse the reality you have placed before me. It's refuted.

>She's over there doing her hair right now.

>Again, I refute- OH COME ON!

>Hi Shiny! She's a whiz with my split ends, can you believe it!

>Cadence! NO! Kidnapper! Kidnapper who ruined your wedding! Bad wife!

>But this shampoo is amazing!

>Ah'll leave ya'll ta' hash this out. C'mon Twi.

>Don't worry, big brother. I'm sure Cadence will respect your opinion on this.

>Oh my word, this hoof polish is to DIE for!

>....I'm sure.
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