Pretty Sailor Magical Abyssal Princess-chan

"Hello world! Welcome to Painfully Embarrassing Nutjobs In Service, the amazingly popular vlog where we discuss all the reasons why shipgirls are stupid and should just go scuttle themselves!" She paused momentarily. "Plus some other stuff. I am your host, Pretty Sailor Magical Abyssal Princess-chan! Welcome to our very first episode! This video would be brought to you by our lovely Patreon supporters, but we don't have any yet, so today it is instead brought to you by our honorary-patron-for-life, Taiho! Please like and subscribe." The speaker on screen flashed a peace sign at the camera.

Pretty Sailor Magical Abyssal Princess-chan was a gorgeous woman with red eyes, snow-white skin, and ankle-length white hair. Her torso had a large split down the middle that exposed an inky black void inside her body which periodically pulsed with a demonic red glow. Regular cracks split off from it like tiger stripes, or reversed ribs. All of this was painfully easy to see, since the abyssal was the next best thing to naked. The only things she was wearing was a white surgeon's mask to hide her identity and a tiny black bikini that blended in to her stripes so well that the viewers had to look closely to see if she was wearing anything at all.

They were looking. It was obvious they were looking because the video had over a million views in less than twenty-four hours and an obscene upvote-to-downvote ratio, and because of the comment section. The horrible, horrible comment section.

A short, cheerful jingle began to play, and the video faded to black while the title faded in with white comic sans letters outlined in pink and and wrapped up in the tentacles of a chibified abyssal naval mine. A few seconds later, the camera faded to a head shot of the abyssal with open ocean in the background.

"Now, I can already hear you saying, 'Eeeeh!? An abyssal on the internet!?' but you should know I am one of the good guys and you don't have to feel embarrassed about falling in love with me!" She tilted her head and flashed a v sign in front of her face. "And as proof..." The camera pulled back further to show the massive white creature she was sitting on, seemingly made out of cannons and teeth and glowing red hate. It kept zooming out and rose into the sky before it circled around behind her to show a vast expanse of open ocean. The camera, apparently mounted on a drone of some sort, kept rising until a bit of land appeared just over the horizon. It was an island atoll, just barely sticking above the water with a beautiful teal lagoon in the center. It was an ideal vacation spot. It was the perfect tropical paradise. It was the abyssal stronghold on Wake Island and absolutely lousy with enemy ships.

The camera tilted down just far enough to catch Princess-chan for a split second before her cannons lit off. A godawful boom rocked the camera and she was completely obscured by smoke. A few seconds later, the wrath of an angry god fell on the abyssal base. Explosions erupted everywhere. Land, lagoon, buildings, ships. The blasts were just barely beginning to settle when she sent off another salvo, and another, and another. Fifteen minutes later, Wake Island was a smoldering ruin, obscured by the smoke of countless burning ships. A few battleships had sent return vollies, but their guns were silenced before they were able to bracket her with their fire. The carriers didn't manage to launch a single plane.

The camera faded to white, and then cut back to another close-up shot of the masked abyssal.

"Now, I'm sure you have loads and loads of questions, so I'll start off with the one that I'm sure is on the forefront of everyone's mind, 'Pretty Sailor Magical Abyssal Princess-chan, why should I watch your channel instead of cats getting scared with cucumbers?'" Princess-chan put her fingers together and looked down. "In all honesty, I can't compete with that. But!" She looked up again and pointed dramatically at the camera. "I'm still going to try! You should watch my channel because it has explosions! And the truth! Each episode will begin with me blowing up Abyssals and end with me explaining why shipgirls suck! I'll also talk about other stuff in between, like what format my videos are going to have, or what my favorite color is, or maybe I'll share a couple of stories from my adventures as a slider."

Princess-chan folded her hands in her lap. "Now, I believe it is time to move on to the final part of today's video, why shipgirls are terrible and should just go scuttle themselves. In the interest of time, I will keep it short today. Three weeks ago, Tenryuu cost the taxpayers of Japan and America seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars when she bought ice cream for all the destroyers on base but underestimated how much she needed and ran out before everyone was served. The resulting riot leveled three buildings. No injuries were reported."

Princess-chan clasped her hands together in front of her chest. "Thank you for watching Painfully Embarrassing Nutjobs In Service everyone! Please be sure to like and subscribe so that you are notified whenever I post an episode! This is Pretty Sailor Magical Abyssal Princess-chan signing out. Don't lewd the destroyers, and always remember, Yamato pads her chest!"