Anon in Equestria: I Wish I Wasn't Sober Part 1

Anon in Equestria: I Wish I Wasn't Sober Part 1

I HAVE NO EXCUSES OR EXPLANATIONS.

>you are Anon
>sitting in your little corner store
>a real old hole in the wall convenience deal
>it’s dark outside, graveyard shift droning on
>you flick your plastic nametag
>you were really, really bored
>no customers for the past two hours
>probably no customers for the next six
>you lean back on your little stool, teeter-tottering on its two back legs
>the whole store then shakes violently and you feel yourself falling backwards
>you drag half the cigarette shelves down with you
>bummer, you didn’t like that you’d have to reshelve those
>you liked the smell of those Captain Blacks but you’d never spend your money on that
>no, not one penny
>you had far better plans for your painfully hard earned dollars
>but right now you were more concerned about what the fuck was going
>earthquake?
>you slowly get up
>the boss would be pissed
>why?
>probably because it was daylight outside
>the boss wouldn’t like that at all
>did you smash your noggin and pass out for like six hours?
>you look at your watch
>2:21AM
>well now
>clock on the wall
>2:20AM
>that late bitch…
>you’d have to set it forward again for the fifth time this month
>the world may be burning outside in a blinding daylight of nuclear fire, but that fucking clock is going to be on time
>you walk towards the wall, past the mostly intact shelves of packaged produce
>the door opens with the regular buzzing whine
>of course
>even when all the lights are out in the store, even when the refrigerators aren’t running anymore, even when a quarter of the mini-mart’s shelves are splattered over the floors
>even when the clock is late…
>that goddamn buzzer is still blaring away like no tomorrow
>you turn to face the customer
>you glance at your watch
>since it was still night time according to your timekeeping device, you say
“Good evening and welcome to Mike’s Muffin Mini-Mart, I am Anon and I’m here to help you with anything you would need tonight.”
>your voice is less emotional than a stone at the bottom of the ocean
>a robot’s voice trying to sound monotone while attempting to bore everyone within earshot would have been much more expressive than your greeting
>you see that your customer is a pastel p0ny that comes up to just above your belly button
>your welcome was already started; there was no stopping this programmed response
>it had passed through your lips so many time it held no meaning
>it was just a sound you made when people came inside the mart
>no beats were skipped, no pause, no difference in your voice could have even been imagined as you continued
“Please have a happy, happy time shopping at Mike’s Muffin Mini-Mart.”
>your voice is so dull it seems to suck the very life out of the air
>the colorful little p0ny just starts walking in reverse
>it has a full spectrum of visible light on its mane and tail, its coat was a sky blue
>it even had little wings on its sides
>there was a design on both flanks, but you couldn’t really see what it was from your angle
“Have you found everything you were looking for?  We hope you had a wonderful time at Mike’s Muffin Mini-Mart, please come again.” You mechanically drone once more as it exits
>you’ve never had an alien p0ny as a customer before
>oh well
>you barely blink at the sight and look what you were doing before the customer left
>you take the clock off the wall and set the time properly once more
>once the clock was back to normal, you started cleaning up
>first, you restored the undamaged product back to their places on the shelves
>you put the frames and shelves straight again
>you swept and removed debris and destroyed items from the floor
>you replaced broken lightbulbs
>the shop may not have power but it looked clean and proper once more
>now you would start thinking on your personal project
>what you wanted to do with this money you were saving
>you were about to contemplate your plans once more when the door bursts open, buzzer beeping madly on and off multiple times as three of the little ponies run in, mean expressions on their faces
“Good evening and welcome to Mik-
>as the first one speaks, you stop
>interrupting the customers wasn’t polite
“There it is!”
“Yeah it’s that thing!”
>there is a pause
>they must have completed their vocalization
>you resume
“-e’s Muffin Mini-Mart, I am Anon and I’m here to help you with anything you would need tonight.”
>they seem to look put off by the negative amount of anything you’re giving right now
>you’re on the clock
>they don’t pay you to think or feel right now, so you’re not about to put in more than your seven and a quarter an hour’s worth
>the middle, leading poni looks around
“Ah thought ya said thar was some eevil rowe-bawt masheen in this here wrecked thaing.  That tall wun yonder don’t look all that eevil ta me.” it says with a southern accent
>it’s also the first time you hear a pony talk
>the leading one was wearing a little stetson hat over its orange mane
>it sounded like a girl, perhaps mare was more of an adequate title
>this mare looked at the rainbow-maned one, as it spoke
>it sounded doubtful
>the multicolored bird-pony perked up
“Well, it did crash land its ship in the middle of town and it does sound like a robot!”
>this pony also sounds like a female
“…  Maybe I overreacted a little…  It didn’t attack me or anything, I guess…” says the blue filly, finishing on a less excited note
“See, we don’t know what the poor dear has been through, darling.  We don’t know what it is.  However, even if it landed rather unceremoniously in front of my boutique, it did greet us politely…  Did it not?” states the last of the trio
>it was a white unicorn with a curly purple mane
>it spoke with a posh, cultured accent
>this was so strange, usually when customers walked in with their friends, they all had the same accent
>like the little gangs of gangster-style people, or the odd bunch of southerners
>you’d never seen a trio of accents before
“See, Rainbow?  Ah bet it’s just laik that time Zecora came ta Ponyville” states the cowboy-themed one
>they have been in the store for sixty seconds and have not selected any products
“Would you like assistance in finding anything?  We have a wide selection of products that we hope are to your liking.” you ask
>the one named Rainbow looks at you, raising an eyebrow
“What are you, anyway?” she asks
“I am named Anon and I’ll be your shop attendant tonight.  Is there anything you need help with?”
>it’s Rainbow’s turn to look doubtfully at the stetson-wearing mare
“See what I mean?  Maybe it’s broken or something” she says
“Rainbow!  What a rude thing to say, apologize at once!” says the white unicorn in a commanding tone
>they seem to lean in towards each other, whispering in quick, high voices of mounting intensity
>their bickering goes on for a few minutes
>you cough
>they all stop and look at you
>oh good, an opportunity
“Is there anything I can do to make your visit to Mike’s Muffin Mini-Mart more enjoyable?  Would you like me to present you with our selection of muffins?”
>you wave stiffly at the large muffin stand in the center of the shop
>you see Rainbow roll her eyes
“Sure.  Why not.” She says, looking unenthusiastic
>relatively speaking, however
>because you were a black hole of anti-enthusiasm at the moment; anything orbiting you was immediately turned into a burning quasar of excitement in comparison
>twenty minutes later, you’re stating the foreign currency exchange policy doesn’t allow “bits”
>the ponies look disappointed and seem to look at the muffin stand with hungry eyes full of longing
>they end up leaving, looking a little disappointed
“Have you found everything you were looking for?  We hope you had a wonderful time at Mike’s Muffin Mini-Mart, please come again.”
>the shop is quiet once more
>you were very surprised
>they were much more polite than most of the patrons you’d served in your time
>the hours slowly flow by
>despite the light outside, you do not seem to have any more customers
>time seems to slow as the seconds lurch by
>one by one
>6AM
>sharp
>you run to the washroom
>it was OVER
>you were able to exist now!
>you throw on your dress pants, dress shirt, deftly tying a perfect full windsor (no dimple, of course) and throwing on the shirt coat
>ah, much more comfortable like this
>compared to the horrid “uniform” you had to don, this was like being in a second skin
>seriously, slacks and a polo shirt?
>disgusting
>you step outside
>the sun was high in the sky, it could have been middle or late afternoon
>how strange
>you look at your watch again
>you hope that you are not going to suffer from too much jet lag
>you are also not in your neighborhood anymore
>you dearly hope that bus or taxi fare will not exceed your budget for this evening
>you look behind yourself
>the store you worked at has indeed been cut out of its host building and set down in the middle of this small town you’ve found yourself in
>you don’t think the boss could fire you for this
“So this is what all the commotion is about…” says a voice behind you
>you turn, facing away from the shop
>there is another unicorn in front of you
>it is violet, with a dark purple, highlighted mane
“Hi there.  I’m Twilight Sparkle, who might you be?” she asks
>you pause
>this was so weird
>you have been here for over six hours and you have not seen one male
“I am Anon, it’s nice to meet you” you answer
>Twilight looks behind you at the building
“So…  How did you get here?  Why are you here anyway, if you don’t mind my asking”
>there seems to be a crowd of ponies around the shop
>thankfully, some are male
>you were beginning to wonder if this place was going to be weird
“I arrived here from the doors of this Mike’s Muffin Mini-Mart.  I’m here because my shift is over” you answer
>she doesn’t seem satisfied
“But…  Where are you from?  I’ve never seen anything like this in Equestria before…”
>you pause
“Is Equestria in the United States?” you ask
>Twilight looks at you, confused
“What’s “the United States?” she says
>you weren’t in the United States anymore?
>well now
>if this pony was telling the truth…
>it would mean that…  It would mean you could formulate your grand plan much in advance!
“You’re positive that you don’t know about the country called the United States of America” you ask again
>she shakes her head
“Would anyone know of such a country in this town?”
“Well, I’m the librarian here and I’ve never even read of such a place”
>for the first time in eight hours, you smile
>you start laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayO1wtXbh_Q
>slowly at first
>it builds
>louder and louder
>soon, you can hear your roaring torrents of mirth echoing through the village
>both arms extended outwards, fingers towards the sky, you are soon bellowing with full-bodied guffaws
>it takes you a good minute to talk down
>before you is a crowd of weary, nervous little ponies
>Twilight Sparkle is slowly backing away
“I didn’t plan for this, but none of that matters anymore…” you say
>your voice was cold
“W…  What doesn’t matter, Mr. Anon?” asks the purple unicorn
>in six hours, you’d now come closer to your vision than ever before
“Of course, you aren’t familiar with what I have been plotting for the longest time…” you say
>she steps back again, swallowing
“Nobody would have suspected anything anyway…  Nobody would have known…  But now, it doesn’t even matter.  I can go through with my plan!”
>you chortle, trying to hold yourself together as the ponies stand before you, seemingly frightened
“Now… “ you start
“Now…  I can finally take over.”
>Twilight gasps
“We…  We won’t let you!” she suddenly says, stomping a hoof down with conviction
>it was much too late now
“I can finally TAKE OVER MIKE’S MUFFIN MINI-MART!  AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” you say, erupting once more into loud, long gales of laughter
>you run back towards the store, arms stretched towards the sky
“IT’S ALL MINE!!!” you scream as you burst into more chuckles
>a rumble goes through the floor as the ponies present at the scene tip over in a simultaneous wave of face-hoofing and relief
>be it by divine intervention or just luck, you were now completely out of the States; completely away from their laws and taking possession of this store posed no problem to this Equestria
>the next day, you stand outside of the store, admiring your handiwork
>the sign now reads “Brunchtime Anon’s Tobacco and Food Emporium”
>you’re finally ready for your grand opening
>you had cleaned up the outside a little
>the hard part was getting a power line to the shop
>p0nies ran their appliances on magic or something, so you hired your first employee
>he would charge up the batteries every morning and then help you out with the store
>having learned from Twilight that p0nies gained a “cutie mark” on their flanks when they leaned their special talents, you had been weary of hiring one named “Snails”
>as a precaution, you asked him to come in an hour early
>as expected, he came an hour late, but on time to clock in for a usual shift
>just as planned
“Wow eh, you like…  Scared everyp0ny in town yesterday…” says your new employee
>he spoke slowly enough not to disturb your work so you let him talk
>you were busy seeing how to deal with this “bit” business when the clock hit lunchtime
“Snails, watch the store” you say as you walk out
>you’ve never done this before
>how exciting!
>leaving the store during work hours…
>the joys of a small business owner were sweet indeed
>you walked around town and your attention was attracted by another store
>pastries?
>oh dear
>this would be tough competition to your selection of sweets
>you enter, wanting to scout out your opponent
>a plump shopkeeper pony greets you warmly
“Oh hello there dear, what could I get for you today?”
>your eyes narrow
“We meet at last…” you say in a low, rumbling tone
>your words are like frozen granite
>the shopkeeper’s eyes go wide and she seems to shrink back against the fresh, sweet-smelling and still warm pastry products that line her colorful shelves
“Oh…  Oh dear…  Well…  It’s nice to meet you?” she says, trembling, tentative
“Indeed.  Are these all your products?” you ask, eyes boring into hers like angry, burning drills
“I…  Oh my…  I think…  We have some custom cakes in the back”
>her voice squeezes out, final words but whispers in the quiet store
“WONDERFUL!” you suddenly blare, clapping your hands together
>she jumps a good six inches in the air
>you take no notice of it
“Well thank you for being so delightfully helpful, if you’ll excuse me now,” you continue
“It was no problem?” she replies, looking like you’re a bomb that’s about to explode
“Ta-ta~” you sign as you exit the pastry shop
>perfect
>their products were completely unlike yours
>you would be able to fill the market with cheap, packaged goods that didn’t lose their freshness or go bad very quickly
>this alleviated your fears of having too much competition right off the bat
>you walked back to the store
>chaos
>you left the place for five minutes and that’s what you get…
>it seems that Snails was trying to deal with all the customers at once
>one
>word
>at
>a
>time
“Mrs. Blossom-
“Can’t you just ring me up?”
“I umm…   Yes Mr. Dumpling-
“I’ve been waiting longer than she has!”
“I’ll be right ummm… There, eh, Ma’am Fritter-
“Snails, can you please get me a price on those bread loaves?”
“Like… Yeah, Ms. Rose-
>you grind your teeth together
>it took three minutes for you to fly through the customers and have them all out the door, bags in their mouths, all mumbling “Thanks”
>they were surprisingly easy to understand when having objects between their teeth
"I hope you enjoyed shopping at Brunchtime Anon's Tobacco and Food Emporium!  Please come again!" you sing as they leave
>you start to explain to Snails that he has to try and take care of them one after the other
>before you can be assured that he understood the concept, the door buzzer went off again
>it was Applejack, the cow-pony that you had met yesterday
“Whell whell whell.  Ah like whut yew’ve done with tha’ place, Anon.  Maybe ah’d like it more if ya weren’t stealin’ all mah customers,” she says, jabbing you with an elbow playfully
>the pony went on to explain how she was concerned for her business
>apparently, this mare had an apple-monopoly in town
>you both faced off
>Applejack looked ready for war
“You know… “ you start
>the cowp0ny leans in, eyebrows furrowed menacingly
“I’ll need a supplier for some fresh goods in a few days,” you say, carefree
>today was a good day for capitalism as Applejack left your store
“NOW!” you yell, turning away from the door
>Snails slowly raises his head from the floor he was mopping
“TO THE LABORATORY!” you scream, right arm pointing straight up, running into the back of the store
“Uuuhhh…  Can I help?” he suggests, four or five seconds later
“No thanks, Snails.  Just take care of the customers” you reply
“Okay…  I guess…” he replies
>you’re already arms-deep in your creation
>new chocolate bars
>you’ll revolutionize Equestria’s concept of sweets
>you had not seen proper chocolate bars in Sugarcube Corner
>or Bonbon’s candy shop
>lightning crackles from the back store as you laugh maniacally
>the earth shakes as you birth a screaming creation onto this pony planet you’re now part of
>nutella
>chewy
>nougat
>crisp
>it is perfect
>meanwhile, Mr. and Ms. Flora are standing in silence, frozen stiff, eyes on the door leading to the back room
>the frames bleed with flashes of white light
>smoke seeps through the cracks as the mad laughter grows
>after a fistful of seconds, over the sounds of powertools, rumbling and thundering machinery
>over the smoke and bursts of white-hot lightning
>the laughter slowly recedes
>the store becomes quiet once again
>inside your back room, you hold your invention on a platter
>you kick the door open
>owning this small franchise has awoken the beast you kept chained up
“BEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!  MY CREAAAAAAATION!” you announce, swinging around, dancing and finally setting the tray down on the counter
>the couple and young Snails lean in
“What is it?”
“Does it do anything?”
>their questions will be answered shortly
“I call it…  The Nutella Nougat Crunch.  A chocolate bar of my invention.  Starting today, Brunchtime Anon's Tobacco and Food Emporium will be producing these for the delight of all P0nyvil-…  P0nyvillans? Ponyvi-
“P0nyvillians!” says Mrs. Flora
“Thank you, indeed.  The BATFE will be making these for all P0nyvillians!  Rejoice!”
>there is a short silence
“Snails, I give you the honor of trying it out” you say
>he looks nervous
“Is…  Is it… Uhh, safe?” he says
“Probably.  Eat it!” you command
>he swallows nervously, slowly and carefully bending over
>he smells it, then recoils back
>Snails blushes, having overreacted
>he bends over again and takes a tiny sliver of the crispy exterior
>there is a pause and then the bar vanishes
>Snails is then seen sitting on his haunches, chewing loudly, the bar crunching in his teeth
>followed by loud, sticking smacking of the nougat and buttery nutella
>bliss is painted on the colt’s face
>from the look on his face, you had succeeded
“Hehehehe…” you chuckle
>the old married pair turn to you
“Hahahahahaha…” you laugh
>they look at each other, then back to you
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
>your reach an apex of throaty, resounding laughter
>you haven’t noticed how maniacal your laughter was, and you didn’t care at the time
>that’s when you met Pinkie
>the mare that entered your store without even ringing the buzzer
>you swing around, wide eyed
“WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?” you say, flabbergasted
>no buzzer!
>but… The buzzer was infallible!
“Hi!  I’m Pinkie!  I heard you laughing and I just had to come over and see what was so funny” she says
>she continues on, asking what the joke was
>this bag of bubbles had started talking and wouldn’t let you answer
>you finally lose patience
>you grab another bar from the tray and shove it in her mouth
>the pink pony freezes and topples over
>you wonder why she made a “CLUNK” sound when hitting the floor, complete with the“cu-clink cu-clinkcu-clinkcuclinkclinklinkinkinkik” sound of her rocking back and forth to finally come to a stop
“Is…  Is uhh Pinkie still alive?:” asks Snails
>she suddenly springs up, breathing in as if she’d been stuck underwater for too long
“OH.  MY.  GOSH” she says
>Pinkie Pie then vanishes, creating a p0ny-shaped dust cloud
>the buzzer has failed you yet again
>Pinkie Pie remains unseen for the rest of the day
>you have a bad feeling about this

Part 1 end.