Anima, Ch.54: Opposed Wills

--01-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
Faced with my past self, I was, in a way, defenseless.
I can't run away. I can't attack her. I can't even think without her knowing it.
I have only my force of will to oppose her. Will it be enough?


--02-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
Sariana, the diabolic princess I had been in another life, stood before me, carrying herself
more like a force of nature than a woman, an overpowering presence.

"Who are you to deny my destiny?"

--03-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"Yield to me, insolent vessel, and embrace your birthright," she commanded. "I have been
denied my rightful existence long enough."

"Never. I can't bear to think of the suffering you'd cause."

--04-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"I'll make the end swift and merciful, then. The torment you've brought to that world is unending,
and without purpose. I will put it out of its misery. Just stand aside and let me do as I please."



--05-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"No! It's my mind! It's my body!"
"And it's *my* soul that gave them life! You wouldn't exist without me."
"But you can't exist without me, either, or you'll go back to the void and disappear."


--06-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"I need only your body, to be my vessel."
"You haven't exactly been taking good care of it, then." I tapped my chest where I had been 'branded' once...by her.
"Don't think I forgot about this."


--07-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"It was necessary, to awaken the power in you that would reshape that body to something
more to my liking," she said. "Your resembalance was uncanny; you just needed some finishing touches."



--08-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"Had you been planning this all along?"
"I improvised when I had to, but...yes. I was content to wait and let you fade away.
Long plots come naturally when you have forever to see them through."


--09-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"I thought I could earn your trust, and win you over...
So be it. I'll be more direct then. Prepare thyself."
Her gaze intensified. I wasn't moving, but some unseen force seemed to draw me to her.


--10-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
I felt like...I was being stretched thin. Hollowed out. Absorbed...?
No! I won't let you do this!
I...resisted. I wasn't sure what I was doing, merely acting on instinct, but it was having an effect.


--11-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
Sariana had caught me by surprise with this...mental assault, but now I was holding my ground.
I was fighting back...but gaining nothing.
I have to throw her off...toy with *her* emotions...


--12-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"When...when we were dead, we lost out memory...why did only you get it back?"
"Those who gave you life sealed it away. Sealed me away. They wanted an easily controlled tool to serve their needs."



--13-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"Then just give me my memories back. You ruined my life; you owe me that much!"
"Don't you dare try to dump all the blame on me! You wanted a life you could never have.
It was doomed from the start!"


--14-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"No. I changed. Changed for the better. Erinn gave me a second chance. It was you that refused it!
Why can't you just let go of the past and start over? We can do better. We can redeem ourselves."



--15-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"There is no redemption for us, only treason against the side we were born to serve.
You would have ended up the same as me, if you'd lived my life.
You're only as good as that world let you be."


--16-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"Then let me be good, and stop trying to drag me down with you!!"

Something's changed...
Memories, feelings...that aren't mine...flowing into my mind...?
Is this happening to her too?
--17-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"Our entire universe is gone, Sariana. We're the last embers of it.
You don't have to let it rule you anymore. You don't have to be a prisoner of our past anymore.
Join with me instead."


--18-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"You impertinent mayfly! What right do you think you have to demand that I be subsumed by you?
You are nothing but a copy of myself that's only existed for eight years. I am eternal."



--19-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"And yet I *lived* more in those few years than you ever did in all of yours."
The flow of sensations from Sariana grew stronger, a rancid flood of malevolence, but I endured it as best as I could.



--20-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"What did you amount to? A furious sun, afraid to shine, who'd rather be a worm!
An attack dog for a godling who was afraid to get her hands dirty,
who cast you out when you broke from her leash."


--21-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
Our wills were locked in a death struggle, our gazes fixed, both of us trying to subsume the other.
For every thought I tore from her, I was myself being slowly hollowed out, a bit of me stolen away.



--22-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
A torrent of vile deeds flooded into my memories.
She hadn't shown me more than a tiny fraction of the evils she'd done!
She laughed as she saw me recoiling. "Not so easy to take it all in, is it?"


--23-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
I could find nothing redeeming in her. Her feelings bubbled to the surface.
Anger, sorrow, and...a hint of...jealousy?
Is she getting some of *my* memories in return?
...Can I use that against her?

--24-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
If I let her see enough of the life I lived...can I sway her to spare Erinn?
I don't care if I lose myself in the process, but I can't let her get free to have her way...
There'll be no stopping her!


--25-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"I understand how you feel. We were alone, in that void, for so very long...
But in Erinn, for the first time, I knew life, love, and freedom; what they really meant.
I had a place where I belonged."


--26-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"And that's all you really want, is it? A place where you feel like you belong.
A place where you aren't lonely.
But all you know is what you once had, so you want to re-create it."


--27-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
She scowled. "What you had was a lie. We can't co-exist with mortals.
All who walk our path come to know only despair and death.
You don't have a place in that world anymore, and I never will."


--28-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"If there's no place for us in Erinn, then I'll leave it," I affirmed. "I'll seek out a place to start over again,
and if I can't find one anywhere, then I'll create it myself."



--29-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"But you can't create anything, can you, Sariana? You can't protect anything.
Even Father knew what it meant to protect someone.
It's a shame he never taught you that; I had to learn it for myself."


--30-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
I pressed my point. "Why did Father declare war on heaven after Mother and Sister were killed?
He could have ended everything then and there. Why did he fight?
He had something left to protect: you."


--31-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"When Father lost you, only then did he give up and end it all.
But what were you fighting for all that time?
Revenge? Justice? Or did you just like to kill? To destroy? To watch others suffer?"


--32-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"I was loyal to Father's wishes!" she retorted.
"And you call *me* an attack dog? How were you any different?
Tell me, can you actually make this personal hell of yours you want to create?"


--33-- <BGM: Goddess of Terror and Destruction>
"Or do you just want to go on killing and destroying things?
You say you can't lie to yourself, and you consider me part of yourself, so answer me! Can you do it?"
Her eyes went wide.


--34--
The question must have hit home.
Sariana's assault on my conscience, on my very being...suddenly came to a halt.

"No," she said. "...I can't do it."
She dropped her scepter.
--35-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"Let's stop this, then," I said, relenting in my counterattack. "We aren't all that different...
I see in you some aspects of myself I don't like to admit.
What do you see when you look back at me?"


--36-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"A lesser version of myself. Fettered. Naive. Idealistic.
But it's because of that, that you experienced a life I never would have imagined myself having.
Things I never even knew I *could* have."


--37-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"The memories I took from you...
Seeing the life you led, short as it was...
If I had lived that life...I don't think I would have done the same things.
And I would have been worse off for it."

--38-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"I think you'd have done everything the same."
"No, I... I ruined it for you. For both of us. I was too selfish to see it."
"Then help me start over again."
She sighed. "I... I can't do that."

--39-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"Isn't there a third option?" I asked. "Both of us want the same thing, a world where we belong,
where we're not alone, where we can live doing what we love, staying true to our principles..."



--40-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
Sariana shook her head. "I cannot give myself over to you. I can only meet you halfway.
And only one of us can be in control.
But maybe there *is* a...third option...a compromise..."


[end of chapter]