More Oversharing

I  might  look like a Big Meanie for this, and this got  derailed  at some  point


Talking  to  people  at school  feels natural and effortless,  but  I  wonder if it's  because  I'm  speaking  Out Loud, or  because OF close  proximity, and  that's  how  it's  suppose to be normally?

It feels  shallow  because of  everyone's  animosity?
But  the  Internet  breeds  hostility too
But I  change  to  match the  environment so


 the  prompt  for all  this  was probably  a cluster  of  Circumstance, was  my probably  being  controlled  by my  parents and Assorted  adults (external control)

I  wish  I  could  be left alone  forever, even  if  the  Internet  breeds  hostility, because the  problem  is irl,

All of  this  is why I  sincerely resent  people  I know  irl, even  if my reasons are  unjustified  and invalid, but it  doesn't  reflect  in my  actions. But maybe  I'm  defining  this wrong.  Maybe  I  just  can't  handle  being a Real Person



I  resent  the  people irl more because  I  can't  escape them

I  liked  it  while it  was. Happening, the Talking,  but Its all fake  on a meaningful  level.

I  can't  control  it irl so...  its obligation  and not Real Wholesome  friendships

And  I'm  not  friends  with  anyone,  or, the core of the issue is  that  I'm out of sync with  people  at  my core.

Even  if  I was, I  understand that  my friendships  are lackluster compared  to  other people's lives

The  only  solution  I can think of  is to die, or to move away,  but those  aren't  in the realm  of  possibility

I understand  that  it's  easier  to  Remember  things online  Because  of  screenshots,  but even irl, i know  people  remember  effortlessly  and define  me by it,

But there weren't  simple  mistakes, and  I. Have  no redeeming  qualities,  and  I  never will, because  it's  unnatural  for  me to talk with people, even  irl, and even  then,, not all conversation
Is equal, and  it's  all  my  responsibility

it's  irl  though so... at least  people  don't  inherently  think  I'm  harassing  them?
Little  solace.  Its  all the same  to me

I wanted depth,  but I  failed  to  underst6nd  that  it's  complicated  and can be the worst